To be grateful and shut the hell up or to seek a career at 40 ?!

[JMary2021]

Hi all,

Please no judgment, as I realise I’m in a hugely privileged position.

I fell pregnant young and unexpectedly, three months into my relationship. Luckily, we managed to make it work and are still together 20 years later with more children (quite spaced out, so the youngest is only 7).

I didn’t have much of a career when I met my husband, and the job I did have meant I had to work away. I willingly gave up my job to support his career after our first child. The combination of our work hours and lack of help from family made my job impossible.

Over the last 20 years, my husband has worked his backside off, and we are now very financially secure (no mortgage, a large sum in the bank). He still works but slightly fewer intense hours, and our children are getting older and less in need of constant care (although one does have some health issues that require a certain amount of flexibility from any career I choose).

I have everything I could ever have asked for, but I can't help feeling a little like I want a career. I want to achieve more. I'm an intelligent woman, and I feel like my days are filled with meaningless tasks that no one ever even notices. I have friends, but I do get lonely and would really like more adult company. My husband is lovely but an introvert who needs to wind down and talk less after a hard day at work.

Do I need to just accept that I have a nice life and be grateful that I get to avoid the stress that work brings? I don't really need the money, but it would be nice to feel a little bit more financially independent. I just can't help feeling like I haven't quite fulfilled my potential in life. I have done some volunteering and a bit of work for friends, but I haven't really ever "gone for it" with a career. Or is this just a case of grass on the other side always seems greener?

Should I try to build a career or get a degree at 40 years old when I've not worked for 20 years? I have A Levels but didn’t go to university.

I would love to hear others' experiences, good or bad, or what starting again at 40 looks like.

Any career ideas? I'm very good with people but don't really fancy something that involves staring at a screen all day.

I'm lucky enough to be able to spend a bit on retraining, but I also don't want to spend a crazy amount of money with no guarantee it will help me earn.

I'm worried it's selfish to take time away from my kids to train or work when actually we don't need the money. Have others felt this and how did they deal with it.

I really appreciate any honest and non-judgmental advice.

TIA

Why are people suggesting volunteering as though because they are well off she's not entitled to earn money of her own or have all the benefits a job brings?

Yes OP go back to work/retrain/go to uni. You clearly want to. You can clearly afford to. You presumably can pay for support for the children and in the home. It's a no brainer to me. Particularly as it its not what you dreamed it would be you're not in a financial imperative to continue. In fact I can't really think of a reason why you wouldn't look into it...

That definitely does worry me.

I work quite hard to keep my brain going. I'm really interested in psychology, listen to lots of podcasts, read lots of books, have lovely friends who I can have deep conversations with. I do think the brain is very much like a muscle, use it or loose it.
Saying that's there are plenty of people stuck in under stimulating and repetitive jobs in a similar position.

My mum was a proper career woman, worked all the hours that god sent and in a sector where it was status rather than money you could achieve. I remember as a child all the other mothers say how inspirational and what a super woman she was. All I could think is how much I wanted a normal mum who was there at bedtime and knew what was going on in my life rather than working constantly. I was so jealous of my friends with SAHMs.

My mum was mortified when I became a SAHM, she wanted me to continue a career even if it meant loosing hundreds of pounds a month and putting my children in constant childcare.

My kids will probably moan about my helicopter parenting and be adamant their kids won't stop their careers.

I think finding a middle ground is incredibly hard.

Whatever we do as parents we will probably be told by the next generation that we made the wrong decision!

I am a huge fan of volunteering because I don’t just value paid work, I am also aware of and value the skills involved in unpaid roles too, which communities rely upon. I don’t actually want to live in a world where nobody will do anything unless they are paid, it feels hollow and soulless.

Volunteering is also a way to try out different potential career paths, as this OP seems unsure where her interests might lie. Volunteers are often offered paid positions. Volunteering is often far more flexible too.

Thank you.

I think it's just bloody scary!!!
Then the guilt of spending time away from kids and spending family finances on me 'wanting a career'.
Guess maybe if I find something I feel passionate enough about those doubts might fade away.

I'm hoping this post might bring some career suggestions and inspirational stories to give me more confidence. Either that or some 'I tried it and actually it's better just to stay at home and enjoy your life' stories to settle my urges.

This is very true. I think I need to look into volunteering with this more in mind. Previously for me it's just been about trying to offer extra hands where needed rather than actually exploring things I might like to do.

It’s also hugely beneficial in terms of being able to obtain respected character references needed for applying for further study/work opportunities. Lots of volunteer roles involve structured training and ongoing courses/CPD. You can also brush up on computer skills in a less hurried environment, eg Zoom, Teams, etc.

That's incredible and what an achievement!!

I love Psychology, Criminology, learning and helping others.... also very into fitness and how it can be used as a tools for mental health, especially weight lifting for women.

Also love travel, helping others organise trips, encouraging others to be brave and travel with children.

Love house renovating, interior design, project management...

Not really into anything too computer based. I like communicating with people and meeting new people.

I have a few family members with mental health issues so I don't think I could deal with becoming something as full on as a social worker... on top of that.

I'm a bit different to you, in that I had a profession (as a qualified teacher) before giving up work. But I then spent 17 years as a SAHM.

I mentioned substantial volunteering because it was precisely that that meant my career flew when I returned to work.

I didn't just volunteer when I wasn't working, I had big and really interesting volunteering roles. Long term too, with "progression" within the volunteering community. This essentially formed the backbone if my CV when I returned to work - all the training and experience I gained while volunteering (when I was also a SAHM and raising my 4 children).

It meant I when i went was to work, in a relatively low paid, but high responsibility support staff role in school (I was a designated safeguarding lead, non-teaching). Then very quickly, within 2 years, I've more than tripled my salery and am now a Senior Leader in a secondary school. I was able to progress so quickly because I'd developed a substantial amount if experience in the field while volunteering. But also because I'd done the training to become a qualified teacher before I gave up work.

Without wishing to sound like an up-myself twat, I'll be a Headteacher and expectations to be earning 6 figures in the next 5 years. Two years ago I was earning 22.5k and back in the 2020 lockdown, my children qualified for free school meals because I wasn't working and my husband had no work.

You’re in a brilliant position to be able to try different things and find something you’re passionate about or really good at. Go for it!

Absolutely 100% yes please do it. Aim to qualify at 45 and go for it.

What are you naturally good at? Do some research and talk to a career coach, get excited about doing something new and go confidently in the direction of your dreams!

I was going to suggest social work but saw that you may not be too interested in mental health. There are so many different branches that there could be something for you. it's not all child protection either - Older adults, learning disability, children with disabilities, youth offending.
https://www.ucas.com/careers-advice/how-to-become/social-worker
If not social work then what about Occupational Therapist or Speech and Language Therapist?
https://www.ucas.com/explore/career-page/1.1/2223?assessmentId=a19ce3ac6b9445e5b77133924ac9952b

Absolutely not up yourself! What an incredible achievement. Also sounds like the skill set you have would make you a wonderful head teacher!
Very inspiring.

Love this idea. Think of an age to be qualified by as an aim. That definitely makes it feel more manageable. 45 doesn't seem too old. Although I still can't quite believe I'm 40, crept up on me!!

Loving all the encouragement on these posts. Thanks you all, what a lovely bunch you all are!

Hey! I’m 42 single mum of 6 and 14 year olds. I was working as a cleaner for 15 years then a year ago decided I fancied being a probation officer. So here I am! A year into being qualified and I love it. We’ve still got a long slog left unfortunalty. Probably 30 years before we can retire 😣 so get out there pick something you love and try it 🥰

Hello! Just wanted to wish you well - I’m in a similarish boat (although 41!) and I’ve found your thread and all the contributions really inspiring :) best of luck whatever you choose to pursue! xxx

I did an education studies degree aged 40.

Thank you. It's so hard isn't it. I do think most of it is a confidence thing. That's why threads like this are great!!!
Good luck!!

Definitely go for it, but also know that you can do loads of cool and meaningful stuff without having a job! :)

You could consider criminal law? There is a desperate shortage of criminal defence lawyers and they have an interesting role. Obviously legal but also required to interact with and support some very vulnerable people. There are various types of on the job training you can do. You can also be a police station representative without even being a qualified lawyer.

If I was in your position I would get a substantial volunteering role and do some short courses (in-person, for the human interaction aspect) at my local university, to get a sense of what direction to go in. Don't rush it and think carefully and realistically about your personality as much as your interests. Whether you are a people person, introvert, extrovert, high energy, introspective, detailed or big picture etc. Your character matters as much as your values and interests in terms of whether you will actually be suited to any given career.

The financial position for your household makes it easier for you to train in something, not harder. Others might have barriers in terms of cost etc where you could steam ahead.

Go for it.

Maybe an allied health profession like occupational therapy, speech and language therapist, radiographer. Not sure what the academic requirements for these fields are though.

Go for it.
If you hate it, you can always go back to being a SAHM. You have nothing to lose!

Retraining when I was 38 was the best decision I made in a long long time, I love being around adults, doing something productive and interesting, and having my own income.

Started my career at 40 with dc 15 and 7. Did part time to start and built from there. Now 10 years on work in the third sector full time and love it. I have loved having my own life away from dc and now they are grown feel so able to focus on what I need to thrive. Please go for it.

Oh God, you so need a career otherwise you'll end up boring in a person who just has hobbies.
Also, you don't need to read many threads on here to work out that your husband might leave you