How friendly do you actually need to be with colleagues?

[StayceGerste]

I get on well with the people I work with, but I’ve never been someone who wants to socialise a lot outside work. Lately there’s been pressure to join after work drinks, group chats, weekends away, all framed as “team bonding”.
A couple of colleagues seem to take it personally if you don’t join in, even though I’m friendly and professional during work hours.

I’m quite a quiet, private person and I really value my downtime. My job is fairly people-heavy, lots of meetings and talking all day, so by the time work finishes I’m usually craving some peace rather than more socialising. I genuinely enjoy my colleagues during work hours, I just don’t have a big social battery outside of that.
I also like keeping my life simple. Evenings at home, seeing a couple of close friends, doing my own thing. Big group chats and organised socials feel like effort rather than fun to me, and I don’t think that means I dislike anyone.
I suppose I’m wondering if this is becoming less acceptable at work, or if it’s still okay to say “this is just how I am” without it being taken the wrong way. I’m not trying to opt out of the team, I just function better with clearer boundaries.
Interested to hear if others are similar or if you’ve found a way to balance this without it turning awkward.

Weekends away with work colleagues? Fuck that, it's a recipe for disaster! I occasionally do after work drinks, but that's the extent of it! There's even an onsite bar that's open twice a week where I work and I rarely stop for a drink. I've joined a new team and they go for one drink once a fortnight. That's plenty enough for me.

Nope… clear boundaries. I have far too much on in my personal life. I prioritise my spare time to spend with family and friends.

No that's definitely an encroachment on personal life.
You do your job and do what's asked of you and get paid.
End of.

friendly and fun as appropriate but only during work hours.

I wouldn’t be keen on weekend stuff but team drinks are a bit different and, assuming you can make them occasionally, then I would always advise people to go at least sometimes.

In my sector (consulting/ project management) your professional success is directly linked to the depth and breadth of your network. It doesn’t have to mean after work socialising but I would be loathe to never do that.

But maybe OP’s sector is very different. Do you have a mentor you could ask about that?

I think it depends on the work place and team etc, I've done both to be honest

When I was younger I was out all the time with colleagues as it was a great team . I've done team bonding at other place which is cringey

It was when I was younger and single but now I'm married with a child I would rather be home with them and I'm not afraid to decline any invite to things arranged with work

Don’t eat with people you wouldn’t starve with.

I enjoy working with everyone, I just prefer keeping my time outside work low-key. It’s nothing personal.

I work in a small team of four and we all get on great but we don’t socialise outside of work

We have a very senior manager who's very keen on this. They don't seem to understand that the world has moved on since they qualified professionally in the 1980s and not everyone earns £300k, has a small army of PAs to manage their lives for them, dedicated parking spaces, and adoring on the surface but actually terrified acolytes.

In my 20s and 30s I loved socialising with colleagues but we all lived fairly close and didn't have the caring or other commitments we have now. We hadn't been through a financial crash or Brexit or a pandemic or several mad governments in a row.

I don’t see anyone or do anything work related outside of paid work hours.
i like my colleagues and we all get on well but they are colleagues, not friends and I’m only there because I’m being paid to be !

In my younger days I formed strong friendships with a group of colleagues that still exists today - some of us house shared, dated each other, and there was even a wedding - so great days. I think we were just lucky though. Most workplaces aren’t like that and although I’m friendly and will go to the Christmas party etc. I’d rather not do anything work related unless it’s during working hours or paid for by the company.

I think don’t feel guilty or anything for not wanting to see work colleagues socially.

As a manager I already feel stretched so socialising outside of work would just feel like more work to me (naturally an introvert who likes her own space). I have nothing against my work colleagues we are all just trying to get through the day. I’ve got a toddler right now with no family support so time is short and I rarely even get a few minutes to myself outside of the times my DC is at childcare, and weekends are hectic.

I think when DC is older I will try to make more of an effort.

I've been out more with people from my previous job since I left than I have with people at my new one, though we did have a Christmas meal out. And i went to the pub with a colleague who was retiring. So that sort of thing once or twice a year is fine. I know a group of the younger guys sometimes go to a snooker Hall together and to football matches, but that doesn't interest me at all, and I would decline if asked (which I haven't been.)

In the past, I've houseshared with colleagues, dated colleagues, been on holiday with colleagues- so I'm not against socialising with them. But it has to happen sort of organically, let friendships develop first. Being told I should go on a weekend away sounds horrific. Choosing to as mates that you happened to meet through work is a completely different scenario.

I personally think that unofficially compulsory work socialising outside work hours (ie it affects your position at work if you don’t go) is discriminatory against people with particular disabilities and/or caring responsibilities, though I understand a lot of sectors do it as standard.

I do a bit of it - team social every other month or so - because I feel for the poor sods who try and organise this sort of thing, and I suppose because we are in essence fully remote, which is isolating. But I don’t think anyone should have to attend, a
d I think managers should make that abundantly clear, as well as providing opportunities for social time in hours (team lunch or similar, we’ve moved to having at least a few team meetings a year face to face.)

I would never spend time with colleagues on weekends.

I have gone for drinks and social things during the week in previous workplaces but only when I liked the people I worked with.

In my last job the organisation was full of back stabbing, unpleasanpeople left so I made a point of refusing to go to anything including the Christmas party.

Keep strong boundaries and keep telling them you have other commitments.

Also if you have young kids, other caring responsibilities or health conditions/disabilities or simply a long commute it simply is often not feasible to take part in these events anyway.

No one should feel obliged to join in. I will 'show my face' at work things if it's convenient but I'm long past the age when I was up for getting pissed with my colleagues. Soft drink, say hi to people, slink off!

Colleagues who take it personally are fucking cunts, and would be the last people I'd want to waste my weekend on.

Establish boundaries - you want a get together - fine, do it on the works dime and dollar, not yours.

This is why its better to avoid pseudo needy friendships at work. Come in, work, go home. Fuck all this team bonding bullshittery of wokeness.

I’ve worked in those sorts of places, and with the colleagues who take it personally if you don’t want to spend every waking hour with them. It is a good reminder that we’re just a group of random people all there to work and pay the bills, they aren’t people you’d necessarily choose to spend time with otherwise - I think it’s great if you can really get on with people at work, fantastic if you actually genuinely come across a new friend, but mostly it’s best to have surface professional relationships.

I’ve not been in my job long and I already had a real friend who worked there in a different department, his dept is quite “we are family”, it’s all very dysfunctional from the outside looking in. It took a while for my friend to get that I didn’t want to join in (and obvs I didn’t want to upset him by being frank about my opinions of his dept’s toxic culture!). I run my team in a very no pressure way - even if we’re all travelling together (for work!!) I say your evening is your time.

Team drinks are ok and can help fuse/glue people. Weekends away hell no.

When I have been super friendly with colleagues (eg stayed over) it’s all gone pear shaped re our work friendships, in time this is.

Going on weekends away, paid for out of your own pocket with your colleagues in the name of 'team bonding' sounds ridiculous. Like those cult like sales teams who try and stop you having a life outside of work, so you're constantly spending time with your colleagues.

If you want to be friendly then after work drinks sometimes is fine. But going on group holidays seems way OTT. It's like, you're nice people and all but your not my best friends or close family?!

I am another one who thinks that it depends on the work place and team.

Personally, a people-heavy job sounds like hell for anyone who values peace, quiet and downtime! If you're friendly at work, but don't bother with all of the social occasions, you might miss out on things (that usually generate gossip and sometimes dubious photos)... but do what makes you happy (and I say that as someone who gave up a people-heavy job because of the toll it took on my social battery). People who don't accept that socialising at all hours is too much are usually the most draining!

Edited to say that if one person stands up and says no, there are usually a few shyer, less brave people who admire you for it and desperately want to do the same without standing out! Lead the way, OP.

They're not your friends so why would you socialise with them. Definitely not, they'd soon throw you under the bus if they had to. Do your work and go home simple as that .

Its important to remain polite and civil to the people you work with. However this does not mean you need to be joined at the hip.

Like many posters upthread I used to do a lot of socialising in my 20s and 30th. Once I grew older and became a manager I felt it was best to maintain a certain social distance from my team. They are not your "mates" and its important that you should be able to impose discipline and policies when necessary. Christmas staff nights out and the (very) occasional meal were my limits.

As a team member I would resist the pressure to socialise too much with colleagues. You can always refuse with a clear conscience if you have children and responsibilities. If single you can always invent an elderly relative or someone in your family that you provide childcare for without going into detail. That will leave you free to decline unwanted activities if they become too much.