How friendly do you actually need to be with colleagues?

[StayceGerste]

I get on well with the people I work with, but I’ve never been someone who wants to socialise a lot outside work. Lately there’s been pressure to join after work drinks, group chats, weekends away, all framed as “team bonding”.
A couple of colleagues seem to take it personally if you don’t join in, even though I’m friendly and professional during work hours.

Extroverts (them) can't cope with introverts (me, and probably you).
You do you. It's a them problem.

I did know someone at work who was very diligent about attending out of hours work events, but she never stayed long. People were always glad she turned up at all. So maybe there is a middle ground.

Unless it’s paid it’s not team bonding and I wouldn’t be doing it.

Current job (not a very nice place to work) I got to team lunches (there seems to be a reason for one every couple of months) at work lunch hour. I went to (I've been yo xmas meal when able- 3/4 years) and been to 2 other work socials ( a leaving do and another day time thing i organised one day time). It mystified me really as one of the people who was adamant we shouldn't return to the office (went wfh to 1 day a week in office) also loves organising socials. Really confusing. I'd make my excuses if I were ypu- a simple 'sorry I have plans will suffice surely.

In my 20s I socialised with my colleagues every weekend. Now I’m 49 and I don’t even go to the annual Christmas party.

I work from home in a global setting so if there’s an opportunity to meet I will. An ex colleague recently visited me from abroad as they were local. I went down to London and caught up with ex colleagues. For me being professional and consistent is important but it’s like you can’t choose your co workers. Some you get on with - some are aloof and distant but again professional and consistent. Long gone are the days when work would foot the bill for a trip to Paris but I enjoyed it at the time. Covid changed all that. I suppose it depends on how young your workforce is and line of work.

I am with you OP, I work long hours engaging a lot with colleagues and after a week of peopling I have nothing left to give. I certainly think it is wrong to link someone’s performance or commitment to the company to their willingness to socialise regularly outside of work. There are many different reasons why someone cannot or does not want to join organised activities outside of work and no one should be made to feel guilty about this.

Absolutely agree. A weekend away with work people is my actual nightmare. I like my colleagues, but I don’t need to live with them to prove it. One drink every so often is more than enough to tick the “I’m sociable” box.
I think some workplaces really blur the line between being a team and being forced mates. I’m friendly, I do my job well, I’m pleasant during the day — that should be enough. My weekends are for switching my brain off, not doing trust falls with people I sit next to Monday to Friday.

Exactly this. After a full week of talking, meetings and being “on”, I’m done. The idea that my commitment is somehow measured by how many drinks I go to or whether I’m in the WhatsApp chat is honestly ridiculous.
I don’t think people always mean harm, but there’s definitely an unspoken judgement sometimes. Like opting out of socials equals being antisocial or not a team player, when really it’s just about energy and priorities. I show up, I do my job properly, I’m pleasant to work with — that should count for far more than how often I stay late for a drink I don’t even want.

I will not socialise after work because the train times are too inconvenient for me to get home.

For me, it has to be at lunchtime.

I'd never see a work friend at the weekend

I’m the same though — lunchtime I can manage, weekends are a hard no. By the end of the week I’ve already given work all my social energy, I’m not keen to donate my Saturday as well.

These days I keep work relationships friendly and kind but don’t become good friends with anyone, or see anyone out of work events. I’ve made close friends at a previous job and I then stayed in the job far longer than I should have because I was attached to the people - it wasn’t the right reason to stay.

I have a good professional network despite never going out for drinks. This is an outdated view and only serves to exclude women, who inevitably can’t do the after work drink thing because of child caring responsibilities.

It’s also another way of bashing introverts, ND people etc. Nobody would say to an extrovert they have to spend their own time doing something they viscerally hate in order to progress at work.

I went away on two personal trips with diff colleagues recently. It's not for me!

General conversation tends to be about work, outside of that it's hard to have a conversation to be honest if you don't have much in common. So consider how many are going and how well you gel before agreeing. And don't share hotel rooms as you might need "peace".

Perhaps it is easier to separate work and home when you are in London and don't see work colleagues away from the office unless by choice.

I have work colleagues who are a pleasure to work with, support each other with work, and will cover if there is sickness or a domestic unplanned event. They are work colleagues though not friends, and respect my boundaries.

I attend things such as Christmas work dos, and selective leaving or retirement socialising.

I'm cheerful, friendly, will help out with colleagues if they need to drop their car in for service at lunchtime. Will put £5 in a maternity leave or retirement collection.
Will happily go for one drink after work if someone I like is leaving.

But no weekends, no evenings out. I'm a single mum, I have prior commitments, plus I don't like alcohol and I can't afford to eat out. If I could, I'd be sharing that with my ds.

I go for a meal occasionally with a (very select) group of my colleagues but I would not spend a weekend away with them.

A weekend away is way too much!
I don't work in the kind of job where this kind of thing is expected, work is work and that's it. But people are friendly with each other and I'm sure many of them hang out together outside of work times but its all naturally developed friendships not pressure to socialise.

I still get together with people from my old workplace though. We all got laid off and operations have ceased but we still get together at the workplace from time to time for coffee and a chat, or drinks and sauna. I'll be really sad if that ends (the city council isn't going to let them not pay rent and still occupy the building forever)