Unwanted attention from colleague

[AnxiousKitty]

Hi. I'm looking for some advice, please.

I recently started a new job and there has been this one male colleague who has been giving me unwanted attention.

There have been instances where he stands too close, or touches my arm or hand unecessarily. I think I've been able to ignore it and pretend he was just being friendly because that's been easier but then he messaged me this weekend to ask me out.

I now feel so uncomfortable and am dreading going into work. I suffer from anxiety anyway, so this is just making it spike and has ruined my weekend (I realise this probably seems overdramatic but it's how I feel). He's old enough to be my dad and has a daughter my age which just adds to my discomfort.

I honestly just feel like handing in my notice tomorrow but I can't really afford to do that but I really don't want to see him. It's a small organisation so it's not like I can avoid him.

Does anyone have advice for feeling less awkward and uncomfortable? I don't particularly want to speak to a manager or HR about this. Is my best option just to resign?

Thanks.

you definitely shouldn’t have to resign. I know you said you didn’t want to involve HR but is there a reason why? As that would be my suggestion.

How did he have your number?

You really need to talk to another female member of staff about this and how it’s making you feel, as that’s less ‘out there’ than taking it to HR.
If he’s old enough to be your father then I’m sure they’d understand how inappropriate he’s being.

If he stands too close to you make sure you move away, and if he touches your hand or arm also move away.

Did you reply to say no thanks, I'm not interested?

If he then persists its a HR matter but asking a colleague out isn't.

I appreciate you've been feeling uncomfortable about the way he's been behaving, and it isn't acceptable but is hard to call out. He now knows you aren't interested so raise that with HR too if it continues.

Fair chance you're not the first woman he's done this to.

I don't want to cause issues and it would be obvious it came from me.

I've never had a good experience with HR dealing with work issues- they are always more concerned about the company then employees so I just feel I'd rather avoid unnecessary stress.

Tell him you aren’t interested in Dating him and would like him to stop the physical flirting in the office.

If he stops all good.

If he doesn’t HR.

But men and woman have been flirting with each other since day dot - we’re reliant on the act to keep us populated 😉

Flirting isn’t an issue if it’s consensual but it is if it’s unsolicited and that’s been communicated clearly.

He messaged and asked you out.

You presumably replied and said no.

Just leave it now as there may be no problems going forward.

But if there are then you'll have to speak to a manager or leave. That choice will be yours.

No, absolutely don’t resign. If you haven’t already, message back “I don’t date people I work with. Please don’t ask me again” and leave it at that. His ego will mean he drops it. If he continues? “Fuck off I said no” works well.

I think this is irrelevant. I went to HR as there was a male making me uncomfortable. He did have my phone number. HR still upheld my complaint and spoke to him. He has not bothered me since. I’d say go to HR. It’s horrible as I felt like it was my fault but ask yourself if you’d do this to a much younger colleague ?! I doubt you would.

I’d tackle it head on I think.

No Jeff, I am definitely not interested in dating.

No Jeff, I am not interested in a romantic relationship.

No Jeff, I do not see you in that way.

Thanks to everyone who has responded, I am trying to go through it all and take everything on board.

He has my number because it's in the work group chat and I've had to call him about a work issue before.

To his message, I replied that I was busy and would prefer to keep things professional. I have never shown any interest in him, and have always tried to shift away when he stands too close but sometimes have been unable to because I was next to the wall or something and there was nowhere to move to.

I guess I probably will have to wait and see how things go tomorrow before considering next steps, I just really don't want to go in.

@jimbort I'm sorry you had to go through this. It is horrible isn't it? I hate that I feel bad and uncomfortable about something I have no control over, and like you said feeling like it's your own fault.

I'm glad HR helped you and it stopped. Was it awkward at work afterwards?

I deal with a lot of these types of cases at work- as awkward as you might feel, you've done the right thing saying you want to keep things professional. any further incidences you need to inform your manager.
i see a lot of excuses- it wasn’t my ‘intent’ but with sexual harassment it’s not about the intent it’s how they’ve made you feel. You’ve given a chance to stop so further behaviour should be reported and dealt with. Try and keep a log of incidences- the dates and who was around. I get it’s hard if no one is witnessing it but in this case he’s messaged you also. Please don’t resign you don’t deserve to feel like this.

If you are already uncomfortable enough to leave the job then what is there to lose by complaining about him?

You have made it clear you aren't interested. If he continues his behaviour then be very clear. It's not that you are 'busy'. No you aren't interested, you don't want to go out with him. Don't explain or make up excuses. Just say no, don't smile at him or apologise, just say no. If the behaviour continues go to your manager or escalate to HR.

Yes it HRs job to protect the company but in this case this means protecting it's employees from harassment as failing to do so can land the company in hot water. Other claims from other victims, accusations of constructive dismissal etc. it's in their interest to protect you. If your fears are true, that they would protect him over you, THEN you realise you are working in a toxic environment and have to protect yourself by leaving or contacting your union (or both).

But this is not an employer vs employee type situation this is a potential harassment issue which they should be able to nip in the bid swiftly for you issue.

Just tell him you’re already attached. Tell him you’re gay if you have to so he gets back in his box!

Don't resign. If he's too close ask him to move out of your personal space. Practice an assertive response in the mirror. Tell him you will report him to HR if he continues to harass you. But with luck he will have got the message that you are not interested already. He's chanced his arm and struck out. There's no reason you should lose your job over his actions.

@AnxiousKitty
Your response was perfect.
I've had issues like this in the past and understand how awkward it can make you feel & I'm not an anxious person, I'm what you'd call "loud and gobby"

However, this type of unwanted attention can unnerve the best of us and that's why men get away with it.
We dont want:
To get anyone in trouble.
To make a fuss.
To look like we've misunderstood the situation.
To be labelled as trouble.
To go down the HR route with all that entails.

All we want is to go to work and be left alone.

Tell yourself this is not your fault, he's in the wrong not you, he should feel uncomfortable not you.

If he approaches you tomorrow and gets too close, say loudly "excuse me Bob" and walk away, if he doesn't move say it louder and on repeat.

If he tries to touch you say "dont touch me" practice it, you are perfectly entitled to tell someone, who is crossing every personal boundary in the book, not to touch you.

If he's daft enough to press a conversation about going on a date, repeat "no, I dont want to"

Get angry, this is on him, he has no right to make you feel like this.

Update us tomorrow, dont quit, I'm furious on your behalf, if you work anywhere near York I'll come and tell him for you ❤️

@AnxiousKittyit is horrible and you don’t deserve to feel like this. In my case it was made easier in that I discovered he was doing the same to a colleague so we both reported him. I can see why it’s hard to do though. I felt guilty and under scrutiny. And lost sleep and dreaded work a bit. Even though I’d done nothing wrong. I’ve seen him and blanked him. He’s left both of us alone thankfully. Hope he leaves you alone but I’d have absolutely no hesitation in going to HR if he was to start again or if someone else did it. You have done nothing wrong. How dare he!! HR were completely amazing and she said that same thing a pp said about it not being about intent but its how it makes you feel. You won’t be the first or only one he’s done this to do. God only knows what goes on in those types of men’s heads. Like seeing work as some sort of hunting ground. Hope you are ok.

Yes this you need to learn to speak up for yourself. I'd add, I prefer to date people my own age.
If he pesters you again go and speak to your direct team leader and ask them to sort it out. You can't just resign everytime something happens at work because this kind of thing will happen your entire working life so you need to learn to deal with it now.

The standing close and arm touching sounds like grooming to me. He was testing your boundaries. I’m only surprised that he hasn’t had heart to heart chats about how unhappy he is in his marriage and his wife doesn’t understand him (I’ve just realised I have assumed he is married - is he?) I’m a bit concerned about your comment that on occasion you couldn’t move away from him as you were cornered. That is definitely not ok.
I think your response to his message was good. Given you aren’t keen on involving HR anything happens again I would speak to your manager in confidence to say that he invades your personal space, has been handsy and propositioned you. They have a duty of care to you and you shouldn’t be considering resigning.

@DonewhatIcando Thank you. Unfortunately, I'm not near York but I think everything you said about why we don't report it was going through my head

Thanks to all who have commented. After a pretty sleepless night and dreading coming in today, I did decide to speak to my manager. It was really hard and I'm not sure how well I conveyed everything but I did it. My manager is going to try and have an informal conversation about it with him for now, so it's not obvious I've mentioned it, and then we'll go from there. If I wanted to take things further he would have done.

My colleague wasn't in today. He phoned in sick so at least I didn't have to deal with seeing him today which was a relief.

I can’t believe this guy is asking a new work colleague out. It’s hard enough trying to adjust to a new job. I hope your manager sorts it out, OP.

Well done, I'm so proud of you!
You've taken back the power.
He's probably phoned in sick because he's embarrassed to face you as you've knocked him back.
Hopefully he's had a rethink about his behaviour.
How do you feel about it now, do you feel any relief?
Stay strong when he returns to work, I should imagine that when you're manager speaks to him he'll give you a wide berth.
Act normally, be yourself and get on with your work.
If he's daft enough to approach you have a reply ready "Bob, I'd rather not have a discussion"
Update us, I came on MN this morning to check in on you ❤️