The older I get the more difficult I find fitting into the workplace

[user1471867483]

I'm 54 and still don't fit the mould. I'm unworldly and not run of the mill. I find I get missed out a lot in the workplace too. I can't always contribute to conversations and it takes me a while to process discussions. I've had a sheltered upbringing (just me and mum) and I worry a lot about working, particularly as I've just come out of a lengthy contract role and about to embark on an ongoing temp role. I worry how I'll be perceived/judged and always think people are saying 'bless her' about me, when I'm not present in the office. I'm even not applying for permanent jobs because of this.
How do I navigate this problem? 😞

What exactly is this mould you think you don’t fit?

I'm quite innocent for my age and younger in my 54 years.

It’s still not clear what you think ‘normal’ 54 year olds are like, though? How exactly does it mean you miss out at work?

Well you are projecting onto other unknown people your own subjective opinion of yourself. If I were you I'd pack that right in and apply for jobs and see if I got any interviews. Then take it from there, or reappraise my CV if no interviews.

Autism?

Honestly, if all people said about me was bless her- I would be quite relieved
will your colleagues be a lot younger than you? In which case, don’t worry about fitting in as you won’t- and they won’t expect you to. You may well find they accept you more than you accept yourself and perhaps you will learn from them
anyway, enjoy your new role and well done- many people can’t get work

My heart goes out to you.

It sounds like you may have issues with social communication. My daughter has autism and some of what you describe chimes. When you say unworldly and not run of the mill, my daughter has said she is wired differently. Not being able to contribute to conversations or taking a while to process discussions, my daughter has slow processing speed. She can also be sensitive about being rejected or being judged but that is from a lifetime of feeling different.

Does it matter to you deeply how others perceive you?

You have got an ongoing temp role, I say well done.

As I get older, now 57, I realise that my younger colleagues will not naturally include me anyway when they go out socialising or for lunch. It does not bother me because I don't want to socialise with them either. Some of this is not you, just how folks are. But people should not deliberately exclude you in office social events or talk like you are not there.

I think you just have to take your chances. I do know what you mean. I’ve had some trouble over the years with finding it hard to talk in meetings or at social things. At one of my first jobs a colleague later told me that he saw me come in for interview and thought ‘she’s weird’. I wasn’t dressed unusually of anything, it was just my demeanour. He did later become a friend.

I’m in my 50s now. Some workplaces I haven’t fitted into at all. I’ve been in my current one about 7 years and it’s perfect. They like me, and I can be myself. I’d maybe stay away from big corporate places, I’ve found smaller companies easier to navigate.

Are you saying that you’re an arsehole?

So what if they are? How is that relevant to their question? Stupid comment.

What I mean is I tend to not be invited out socially and I'm the only one in the office who doesn't get a gift at Christmas out of everyone in the office 🤷. Don't get me wrong, I work well and get glowing feedback on work performance, it's the social side I struggle with.

Huh? 🤔

Sometimes I like a big workplace like a call centre-type office as I can easily get 'lost' in a crowd. I think yes maybe it's self acceptance I need to work on.
Thank you so much for your replies - they've helped me so much 🙏. I have applied for jobs and have been blessed with interviews as I can put down on paper what I want to say very well, but it's vocally I stumble with; putting over what I want to say vocally, yes. That's the struggle for me.

I would try hard to show a genuine interest in other people - without being intrusive or interrogating, which you may find a tricky line. If you know someone has just been away ask them how it was, what did they like about the place, would they go back? How is their child getting on at school... remember when they say one week that little Sophie has been sick and kept them up all night so the next week ask if Sophie is better and back at school and is your colleague managing to get more sleep now? Read more about how to create conversations. Even just making superficial connections with a few people makes a difference.

In my experience, if you're good at your job - that goes a long way. Certainly in terms of respect if not affection. But affection can be very gentle, e.g. smiling at people when they approach you, being helpful, that sort of thing will really help.

I'm not at the centre of things socially because of a disability as well and sometimes am 'left out' of jokes that are going on around me. I accept that it's not personal, people are allowed to have a laugh without always including me, and I am smiley and friendly. I'm also self-aware and understand what impact I have on others. I'm generally quite serene and secure in myself and I feel liked by my colleagues (and I like them too).

Do you like your colleagues? If so, they probably like you the same amount as these things are often balanced. Unpopular colleagues are those who are socially isolated AND poor at their jobs, unfriendly when approached, generally grumpy, unaware of the impact they have on others.

But lots of people never socialise with their colleagues — after all, you’ve only been thrown together by chance, rather than liking and compatibility. I mean, I’ve made a couple of close friends through various past jobs, but that’s definitely the exception, rather than the rule. Mostly we’ve just rubbed along.

What about other friends, outside the workplace?

On the presents issue — are you saying you’re annually left out of a Secret Santa?

You are focusing a lot on the essentially social aspects of working while saying nothing about the actual job you do. Naturally some roles are more about how you get on with people, it’s surely not true for everything. I work in a pretty big IT department. Things are pretty relaxed and some individuals really stand out as being good with other people.

the majority of us though, myself included, rely on brewing respected as good at our jobs and while ‘bless her’ might not be the highest form of praise it would indicated you are not offending anyone.

what kind of role are you doing? When you interview, can you articulate what benefit the organisation would gain from having you on board.

maybe focus there

Good luck with your job search.

I'm autistic. I am FAR better self-employed but in employment and group situations:

• I am polite
• I take an appropriate interest in colleagues
• I keep my own preferences in mind (ie I do not want a lot of the social stuff)
• If someone behaves poorly towards me, I do not take the blame. I am not responsible for other people's behaviour.

Getting older, one of the benefits is the ability to say, Fuck it, I am who I am and I'm fine with that.

I'd consider if there's some neurodiversity at play.

Take care OP.

I'm always the friendly one, always smiling, always nice (too nice). After a couple of sentences with people socially however, I'm 'zapped of energy'! 🤷

Lovely reply, thank you. I'm never left out of secret Santa, but when it comes to gift giving from consultants where we work (I work in admin for the NHS), I'm the only one whose consultant never gets anything 🤷. Same happened in an office I worked in 10 years ago - there were two of us. The other girl received a gift from our boss, I didn't. I left the job consequently.

I've always been like you OP. I chose to be a gardener so I could work outside alone a lot of the time. It suited me well.

Could you retrain and do something that fits you rather than making yourself fit into something that doesn't really suit you?

Do you actually enjoy socialising with colleagues? At the pub etc?

If so try and put yourself out there at the very beginning. Ask about the social side. Like 'do you guys go to the pub after work?'

Once people get to know you I'm sure they'll see you're a nice person. Not everyone has to have had the exact same upbringing or life experience.

If you're not keen on the social side that's fine as well. Just be friendly and helpful during the working day.

Sorry you have a miserable bastard consultant as a "boss" that poor behaviour is on them

I completely understand what you mean. I have felt the same myself at various points in my life. I think often it's just a case of being lucky and ending up working with the right kind of people. You sound like someone I would get on well with. Far better to be on the quiet side than someone who has far too much to say for themselves! I find the latter to be the people who are most gossiped about when they are not there.