The older I get the more difficult I find fitting into the workplace

[user1471867483]

I'm 54 and still don't fit the mould. I'm unworldly and not run of the mill. I find I get missed out a lot in the workplace too. I can't always contribute to conversations and it takes me a while to process discussions. I've had a sheltered upbringing (just me and mum) and I worry a lot about working, particularly as I've just come out of a lengthy contract role and about to embark on an ongoing temp role. I worry how I'll be perceived/judged and always think people are saying 'bless her' about me, when I'm not present in the office. I'm even not applying for permanent jobs because of this.
How do I navigate this problem? 😞

I'm sorry to hear that, it's not nice if your consultant is a tightwad. I strongly suspect that's the case rather than it being personal. Exclusion is unpleasant even its that the case.

I've always worked in sectors, public and private where workplace presents aren't a thing fortunately.

Yes, I've been thinking a lot of that lately. I wouldn't mind working in a garden centre for example, but I have a mild back problem and feel the cold! I'm going to have a good think and re-evaluate things. Moreover, I'm applying for part time roles now. I have a temp ongoing role to start Monday. I have to do full-time for the 3 weeks leading up to Christmas then they're going to review my request for a 4 day week in the New Year. If they don't grant this, I'll have to get another job for my own well-being.

But your consultant being a Scrooge is on him/her, not you. It certainly has no bearing on you fitting in to the workplace in general or being generally liked.

Do you even want to be invited to social events outside of work by colleagues, if you are ‘zapped of energy’ after exchanging a couple of social sentences with colleagues? Do you enjoy your colleagues’ company? Would you like to see them outside of work? Have you ever suggested a social outing?

I suppose I’m wondering how you would envision acceptance in the workplace? If your colleagues asked you to come to after-work drinks and dinner next week, would you be pleased or think it sounded exhausting?

The fact that you say you’re ’always smiling, always nice (too nice)’ rings slight alarm bells for me. It’s often said by people-pleasers who are trying to make other people like them, but it tends to put other people off because it feels inauthentic. Obviously no one should be inflicting their varying moods on their coworkers, but no one is genuinely always beaming, and performing smiliness all the time prevents other people seeing the real you.

I 100% understand the exhaustion thing. I tend to just go for one drink, so I've shown my face, and then leave for the same reason.

I agree with PP that not getting a gift from a consultant is a reflection on them not you.

What a previous poster said is spot on

"If someone behaves poorly towards me, I do not take the blame. I am not responsible for other people's behaviour."

The people I work with behave very poorly and as I have got older, I have struggled more. But I think it's because I used to be a people pleaser. As I have worked on myself, and grown in my career, I no longer feel the need to do this. I am more assertive. I am very good at my job but unfortunately that can trigger insecurity in other people.

It is draining dealing with poor behaviour but it is not a you problem. It's a them problem.

My advice is turn towards those who bring you some positivity and just be professional but limit interaction with those that are negative for you.

What's life like out of work? Do you have friends who bring you Joy and support? I find it helpful to remember that my important people do love me when people are being unkind at work.

your miser of a consultant is no bearing on your personality op.
you are your own person, be proud of yourself

i hope you meet more kindred spirits soon op

But, other than the miserly consultant, there’s no evidence at all that anyone in the OP’s workplace is behaving poorly. She says she’s always included in the Secret Santa, and though she says she ‘tends not to be invited out socially’, it’s not clear whether she would actually want to go out with her colleagues if exchanging a couple of non-work-related sentences with them leaves her ‘zapped of energy’.

Hmmm @Palourdes you make a good point. I'd read it as being left out/excluded which can be really unpleasant but yes, it's more how @user1471867483 is feeling, you're right. Maybe I'm projecting!

What about redefining success in this instance, @user1471867483 ?

If you don’t find off the cuff conversations easy, how about preparing some general light questions in your mind, eg:

How was your evening?
Oh, what are you watching at the minute?
Are you up to much this weekend?
How are the kids?

And defining social success as using one each day with a colleague?

Two other tips:

Most people will answer and then say “how about you?”, so have a simple, light answer in mind, and

Consider keeping a note on your phone or in the notebook of things people have told you, to make it easier to follow up the following week with eg

”How’s your Mum doing now?”
”Did you get through that last episode?”

It moves your encounters from transactional and repetitive to a bit more meaningful.

But also- don’t overdo it and wear yourself out. It’s absolutely fine to have a personality that is naturally a bit more reserved or quieter. Just aim for friendly and kind.