Find networking at conferences incredibly difficult

[Corall]

I sometimes get the opportunity to attend conferences through work as a delegate. I think I have undiagnosed asd. Often I don’t know anyone at the conferences and I dread the breaks and networking times so much. I often queue for refreshments then drink/eat alone. Sometimes I hide in the toilets, and wait till the sessions start. I just find initiating conversations with strangers so hard

This is me! Also (diagnosed) ASD, and generally socially inept. I absolutely hate it and move heaven and earth to avoid being in these sort of situations. When I'm really forced to go, I end up being 'fascinated' by the paintings/photos on the wall, or just stand awkwardly holding a drink hoping someone will be kind enough to start a conversation (which I am incapable of, once I've exhausted the weather topic it's just tumbleweed).

I've never come out of an event with any useful new networks of people either, so I find them pointless.

I’m the same but I don’t go to conferences.

Can you work up a list of open-ended questions so you’ve got something ready?

• have you come far today?
• I thought the presentation on ‘x’ was interesting, what did you do you think?
• do you think you’ll find any of this useful in your work?

That kind of thing.

It is hard. I wish they made networking easier like having tables to go to to start off on particular topics of interest etc.

You could use the coffee/tea queue to start a conversation? Say something banal about needing your caffeine, looking forward to a specific session and once they reply, introducing yourself?

Or try the person you are sat next to at a session?

Do you definitely need to network,.is the information you gain from attending not enough?

I'm exactly the same and I'm not neurodiverse. Networking is hard and people seem to create their little cliques very quickly making it difficult for others to join in.

I have ASD and struggle, I think I can't spot who would like to talk. Sometimes I go for a walk during the breaks if I'm not there to network.

Often though the point of it is to network. Look out for other people who look uncomfortable, go and join them, introduce yourself and ask them questions. Have an exit plan in case it's not going well.

Whats the worst that can happen? An awkward conversation or being ignored by the people you're standing with. It feels bad but it's no big deal. Nip to the loo and try someone else.

Keep an eye out for the speakers or organisers, they will talk to anyone. I often volunteer to speak so that I have a queue of people waiting to ask me questions.

I'm neurodivergent too, now days I just accept this about myself. The first time I did this I made myself the most decadent packed lunch and ate it in my car during the networking lunch. Never been so happy and then I was re-energised for the afternoon.

Although bear in mind lots of people hate these. It's not an ND thing.

Thank you you are all being very reassuring. I agree that lots of people seem to be in groups already. I do really enjoy the talks and a day away from work is nice so that’s why I feel I should go. I find public speaking stressful so not sure I could offer to present a paper

Look for people on their own not talking to anyone.

At work events I'd usually start with warm hello then ask them how they travelling to the conference. Because everyone had to travel.

Then another good one is who are you hoping to speak to today or looking forward to seeing.

The part I struggle with is following up after the conference if I meet people.

I absolutely hate it and find it hard, however I also think often I am not the only one so saying hi to the person next to you in the queue is a good first step. Even if it leads to no further chat at least you have connected with someone.

Roughly half of people hate to network regardless of any neurodiversity.

It is a skill that can be learned though (literally - you can go on courses to learn how, or just pick up from YouTube).

A few key things that can help:

• remember networking is a work task that you are there to do. You might not like it, but there are probably other work tasks that you dislike but manage to power through.
• half of the other people there also don’t like it, but it’s also their job too, so they are not going to be upset if you help them do their job by speaking with them
• it is transactional, and that’s OK. You are there to make contacts, not friends. You don’t need to like them, and they don’t need to like you
• channel a persona if you need to - like how Beyoncé uses “Sasha Fierce”
• acknowledge that you will be exhausted at the end of the event, and plan something nice for yourself

The thing with strangers are they are always transient unless you both wish to take it to the next level.

We have been away in our Motorhome a lot this year and met lots of people. We chose to tell people we met what we were ok with them knowing.

As you have may ASD or social anxiety it’s very likely different for you but ultimately strangers know nothing about the real you unless you tell them.

Most people just want to spend time with people they love and enjoy their free time doing things they love doing.

People are also very forgettable, I think people with any condition that gives them anxiety probably don’t realise that.

I engaged with thousands of students over my career, ultimately I only remember the exceptionally talented or the exceptionally challenging. Which means I have forgotten most of them.

A little trick that I found worked really well, although it sounds weird, is get to the place really early.

If you’re the first person there then the next person in will naturally talk to you, and then the third person in will join you etc…

Hopefully a few of the early people are nice and then you have a few people that you can talk to for the rest of the day.

Joining established groups is hard so you need to build your own at the start.

It is hard work but half the point of a conference.

It's a learnable skill though.

Before the conference you can practise your conversation 'approach' with total strangers e.g. shop cashier, bus driver. Smile, eye contact, 'morning' 'thanks a lot' etc

At the conference this would translate to something like: smile, eye contact, 'hello, how are you finding the conference so far?' or some other easy conversation starter.

Also, watch what other people do and just copy them.

Approaching as a work task is a good idea. I don’t think I realised others didn’t like it much either - lots of people give the impression they are having fun catching up with old pals

It’s one of those things where the more often you do it, you develop something of a muscle memory.

If it helps, this is what I did when I needed to learn to develop the skill

• smile. Even if you aren’t feeling it, it makes you more approachable and others are more likely to gravitate to you and start the conversation themselves. Also keep eye contact for a few seconds and smile if someone makes it with you across the room
• If you aren’t approached, find someone else standing alone or in a two, approach them with a smile and say something along the lines of “I don’t know a soul here, do you mind if I join you”
• have a short list of prepared questions or comments to start the conversation - about the agenda, the venue, a session which has just taken place. A comment followed by a question is good as it starts a natural back and forward
• have a graceful exit planned if you feel the conversation is lagging - “it’s been lovely to meet you both, please could you excuse me for a moment as I need to make a quick call before the next session”
• remember to ask to connect with them on LinkedIn - the barcode matching thing is great because it’s quick and easy - or if you are old school exchange cards
• make sure you mix with a different person/set of people at each break at the conference
• check the attendees list at the start against your LinkedIn and if you can see you’ve connected with someone before even if you don’t remember them approach them and say “How nice to see you again. I know we’ve met at one of these before but I can’t quite remember when. I’m x from y”. People are flattered you’ve remembered them even if they also don’t remember you and it will spark a natural and organic conversation about other conferences you’ve been to what you thought about them who you might know in common etc

Honestly though almost everyone struggles initially with this and the ideal is to get good enough at it that you are able to make life easier for those less advanced on the journey so when you do find it easier and get to know more regular attendees at these things don’t just gravitate to the familiar faces but pay it forward and make a point of chatting to people who seem shyer and introducing them to others

I'm neurotypical and I struggle with this, as does everyone I know. It's hard and takes practice like any other skill in the workplace. I don't know anyone who does it effortlessly from day one.

Honestly I hate it too and everyone I know hates it

chatting to ppl you don't know is hard and conferences especially if they don't have break outs/workshops around tasks where it's easier to start to talk ppl but are even harder

As you are anxious you may not wish to say and that’s fine but is this higher education? If so it’s full of people like yourself. I write this as someone now retired from HE, married to someone who also worked in HE. We are absolutely undiagnosed ND. I realised when I was sent on a course regarding students with additional needs and disabilities when aged about 40.

I spent a lot of time trying to fit in when young now I just embrace whatever I am, it’s extremely liberating.

I'm not neurodiverse at all but I hate networking and conferences and it is part of my job and I am expected to bring back new contacts. To add to some good advice.

• Ask a question during Q&A - this will give you practice at speaking and raise your profile in the room but without the stress of having to engage in chat.
• Think of three interesting but non-controversial things to say about the sessions and use these as an opening gambit when milling around.
• Introduce to yourself to one of the panel / speakers during breaktime with a question / praise / compliment.
• Could you volunteer to help out with conferences? They are always short of people and welcome anyone who will tick people off at the door / hand out lanyards. Or even just offer someone a coffee?

What are your presentation skills like? I know people think that presenting/public speaking and networking are the same skillset but I am fine at the first and can't do the last - one of those weird people who has no problem giving a speech or presentation to a room of 500 people but the idea of chit chat and networking afterwards makes my blood run cold. So the main thing I go to conferences is as a speaker, co-ordinator or panellist - so people 'know' me already.

It’s public sector related, but not HE

I'm exactly the same. What I would like to know is firstly do you actually need to network? I often attend conferences but have never been told networking is part of my job there. I would have no idea where to begin, I spend breaks reading about the talks and speakers and their publications sitting quietly on my own it wouldn't occur to me to do anything else. All these people who force themselves to make awkward conversations, what happens after the conference do you have to periodically contact these people and have further awkward conversations, why? What is it for?

Not ND but I agree it's hard work, though I do it quite a lot for my job and it does get easier, or perhaps I just care less.

I agree an inoffensive opener in the coffee queue along the lines of 'have you come far/have you been to venue before/how did you get here/what did you think of the last session?' generally serves its purpose. The key thing at these events is to find out what people work in and if you have interests in common. It is quite transactional.

I agree also that if you can ask a question in a session people are more likely to engage with you. It also helps to wear something distinctive. That seems counter intuitive if you want to blend in, but it's easier for people to remember 'thats the woman in the yellow top who asked the intersting question about x' and follow up with you that way.

I also build in breaks. So if I network furiously during coffee and lunch and the afternoon sessions look dull, I give myself permission to sit a couple of talks out and recover.

These days im on a couple of organising committees. That sounds counter-intuitive again but it structures the engagement. It's often the unstructured nature of these things which are terrifying.

Very much me as well. In fact I love being asked to present at conferences because I know ppl will come and talk to me in the breaks!

It depends, of course, on your industry and your role.

I’m usually interested to find either potential new clients, or other companies that my company might be interested in partnering with.