Bullying at work... does it ever work out?

[BrightSideOfTheMoon]

I'm not going into details because it's not my story to tell, but I'm supporting a friend and everything I'm reading around this seems to be doom-laden.

Does is always end in resiging/ going off sick/ being miserable forever?

So sorry to hear some of these accounts of what people have been through. Workplace bullying is just crap.

Just reflecting on this, and how isolating it is once a formal complaint or grievance process is intiated. Trust goes out the window. Lots of anxiety about who knows what, and whether there is an agenda.

In my experience the bully gets promoted away from the victim. The victim gets zero support.

Ive been bullied horrificly lately, everyone can see it and does nothing. The persons manager and all the upward chain know they have form but they do nothing. I’ve been told they need a catalyst and by that they mean ‘put it in writing’. Nothing can be done till then.

I don’t have the mental strength to go up against a clever, gaslighting narcissist who is very high up.

I’m looking for a new job.

Really sorry to hear that you are going through this, @Henry8thHoover . It is so deeply..... unjust.

This was my experience as well. And they get us to do online harassment training courses. Was appalled at the contradiction. Hope you get a new job soon with decent people. I have had some brilliant bosses in the past. Really remember them. And they were mostly just normal people doing their best.

@jimbort the hypocrisy of the online learning is astonishing. We also have to do Active Bystander training. What a joke.

@BrightSideOfTheMoon it’s shocking, I’m a hard worker even though I’m low paid. I don’t know what I ever did wrong to make this person point their venom at me.

Twice it’s happened to me and both times I resigned. The first time was in a small family run business - all management was a family so I wouldn’t have had a leg to stand on!
The second time I did report but only in my exit interview and I do feel a bit guilty as a few months later somebody else left for the same reason. I didn’t realise she as going through something similar and feel that if I had reported it it might have changed things for her.
Although I don’t see how I could have stayed on.

The only time I've EVER seen a bullying manager dealt with was when the entire team got together and went to HR. Manager was let go. Otherwise sadly no. The best that happens is the complainant gets moved sideways away from their work and team etc. Sometimes pointless mediation. Grievances have a very low win rate and the bringer usually gets labelled as trouble. My advice would be to use your energy to get an internal transfer or a new job.

@MumofSpud. Yup. When family are running the show you have no chance. Doesn't make it right. I just think the dynamics are such that it isn't worth it.

I don't blame you for not reporting the other time. In a toxic situation, taking a stand can very easily escalate in a very bad way. You need to feel confident that you can weather it, and not risk your mental health or damage your chances of getting another job by having months of time off sick. Well done for raising it at your exit interview...

@Middlechild3 Well done, in the case where the team all got together.

I think part of the problem is that once a grievance is in place there is a lot of secrecy and fear over what can be shared and who know what, and a desire to keep the 'fuss' to a minimum. So the persion being bullied becomes more and more isolated and uncomfortable...

I don't know that an internal transfer is an option for my friend. It's a small company and their role and experience is pretty specific.

In case anyone else is affected, I have found this helpful:

https://www.acas.org.uk/bullying-at-work/if-you-think-youre-being-bullied

Just been catching up with my friend.

Not going to share details because, as I said, it's not my story, but I feel a bit helpless. I'm trying to just listen. They are struggling with keeping things 'normal' and how relationships at work have suddenly become difficult because everything just feels different and trust has gone. Relationship with line manager is toast.

They are not a Union member - is it worth joining?

I posted earlier about the person who bullied me. It appears another complaint has been put in by former manager so hopefully it will be taken seriously this time! That’s at least 3 complaints! Ex bully boss is trying to find out who it is by questioning her staff! Shocking! So much for no retaliation!

Let's hope it IS taken seriously! How are you feeling about it? I know you are out of there, but it must be hard to forget what happened.

The fact that bully boss is asking her staff suggests she's rattled. Seems like a strange way to respond, though.You mentioned in your post that you thought she'd been brought in to 'fire and save money'.

Would like to see then lose their job as keeps blaming staff for escalationS and says yes to leadership to customers excessive demands. Is not supporting the team at all! I feel angry as I had a great team with amazing feedback from them and now they’re having to work hard and all are stressed. I do think she was brought into fire but she wasn’t too clever and could open the company to legal action so if she becomes a liability it won’t be too long before they get rid! It happened to many before me and I won’t be the last in that organisation

I suppose it worked out for me in that I eventually moved to a much better although not better paid role. But it was an awful time in my life. I raised a grievance that wasn't upheld (as it was the bully's boss that heard it) and the business was naive about bullying as I assume most are. I was off sick for 7 months, the OH doctor stated that I wasn't to work for the bully again but I still had to go through mediation.

It changed me. But I learnt to pick up the signs of this behaviour much sooner.

In hindsight I wish I had got myself together and then left.

@Whatamiwishingfor It seems like senior management really hate to admit that a senior hire is a mistake or that their management style is having a negative impact. I also think many people really don't understand how this impacts on productivity and staff retention. I know what you mean about feeling angry, even after you have left. It is hard to let go of the injustice that good people have to have their lives turned upside down because of shit like this.

@user1471538283 gosh - I imagine that being off sick for that length of time was awful, with that hanging over you. It's good to hear that you have another job, and a better one.

I think these experiences do change us. We are often expected to give a lot of ourselves at work, but when it comes to it there is no guarantee that loyalty and hard work will be remembered when its no longer convenient.

I'm not providing details as per opening post, but sad to report that it didn't work out.

Turns out there was a 'bigger picture' which ultimately didn't include my friend. They are upset but starting to let go of the idea of their 'future' that was built on that particular job.

Heart goes out to anyione else in this terrible situation.

I posted up thread back in July.
It didn’t get any better and I’m leaving in a couple of weeks.
The relief is unbelievable.

I’m pretty sure I have some form of PTSD and I had suicidal thoughts, it was so bad.

@Henry8thHoover so sorry things have panned out like this for you, and the imoact on your mental health.

Are you leaving to go to another job?

Yes, I work for a massive organisation and it’s an internal transfer, well away from the poisonous dept.
I’m dickering over putting in a complaint after I’ve moved.

You need to document it, time dates, who was there, what was said, don’t bully/insult back. Get a witness if you can who will back you, make sure they’re willing to back you as some might back down if you make a grievance.
Be prepared the outcome may be that you get moved.
Check your HR policy, do you have a union rep etc
Sometimes it’s easier to move roles as you may only get an apology from your bully and then ‘silence’ going forward, creating an atmosphere.

I was 'lucky' in that I realised the bully was crap at their job and totally out of their depth. With colleague support I kept going and knew it would be them or me leaving but, as I was competent I knew it wouldn't be me leaving.

The day they said they were leaving was of no shock to me and possibly one of the best days of my life!

If you decide to make a grievance, take your time. Make sure you are really clear what the complaint is... don't expect the investigation to join the dots or understand the point you are making. Its all too easy for people who don't want to uphold your grievance to dismiss anything that is woolly. It's a very stressful process but, well, if no-one says anything then nothing changes.

Watching with interest (and sadly, familiarity). In my experience the bullies are usually backed - particularly when senior.

I'm interested in speaking to other people who have endured toxic jobs and are going through the process of recovering and moving on. My DMs are open for anyone wanting to compare notes!