Juggling family life as a corporate lawyer with a long haul pilot husband

[Motherhood12345]

We're currently living in Glasgow and my husband has got a new job as a pilot, flying long haul out of Heathrow. He previously flew short haul for another airline, flying out of Glasgow. I have a demanding job (corporate lawyer) and we have two young kids (aged 1 and 3).

My husband and I are currently considering whether he will be able to commute from Glasgow for his new job, or if we'll need to make the move down south closer to Heathrow. We would likely live in Surrey as I would get a new job in London and commute from there.

In Glasgow, we have my parents nearby who are an amazing support childcare-wise. If we move south, my husband's parents would be close by as they live in Sussex but it is unlikely that they would provide any childcare support.

Does anyone have any experience with a similar situation, or have a partner who flies long-haul? Do you also have a career? If so, how do you manage childcare? Any advice would be much appreciated.

It sounds like you're going to need as much help as you can get with childcare so I think you'll have to try and make commuting from Glasgow work. But it doesn't sound easy, those are young kids.

Who does your childcare in Glasgow?

I'd say you're going to need a live-in Nanny.

What is his rota going to look like?

If moving a live in nanny seems like the best bet.

Surely you just throw money at the situation- nanny/ cleaners etc-

My goal would be move to Berkshire and live in Nanny. Expensive but only for a couple years. Or North Wiltshire. Or the bits of Surrey near Richmond. Or West London anywhere that’s an easy hop to Heathrow. You want easy access to the M4 that does not involve tangling with the dreaded M25.

But before you pull the trigger ask to talk to some long haul families - if he’s say 4 days on and 4 off, the commute to Glasgow may not make so much difference. It doesn’t sound great though.

If you moved to Surrey and changed firms, you’d be making so much money in London you wouldn’t know what to do with yourself…and so could throw money at the childcare problem!

I wouldn’t recommend US, but a decent City firm’s hours won’t be that much worse than what you do now

I agree with the PP suggesting live-in nanny. It makes sense when the kids are young and your DH is going to be away for days at a time.

It sounds hard though even with family help and a live-in nanny.

I was doing corporate transactional work (ages ago) but when the kids were small I just found it too hard to juggle the all night completion meetings. Hopefully Docusign etc means people don't still do those!

I moved to more commercial / in-house work for that reason because while its never just 9-5 you can have a bit more control.

Moving is always a bit of a risk and moving away from helpful family does feel counter-intuitive. I suggest you give it a go staying put and see how his commute and hours pan out before doing anything drastic.

Sounds very tough! We are two working parents without family nearby, no travel for work, and even we have a nanny to do the school pick ups and not have our little one in nursrry everyday.
I think you'll need a nanny or an au pair to survive.

I have no real advice - you can invest heavily in childcare and housekeeping, so the practicalities will be sorted when your husband is away! :)
But in the most gentle way possible, and with no judgement at all as we have been in a very similar position, is this really what you want?
It sounds like it would be an incredibly busy and frantic lifestyle - is that what you all want for your family, and is it in the best interests of your children? With little family support, and with two parents working outside of the home the majority of the time, the person you elect to be primary care giver will be responsible for values instilling, behaviour management, building characters etc for the children. That’s a huge ask, and a huge risk, especially with such young kids.
I’ve come to realise that two big jobs can’t exist in a family without huge sacrifice and compromise, borne mostly by the children. It’s okay to take a pause and reflect if this is the set up that feels good for you all, you can always revisit the career later down the line.

Why does he want to go long haul? I’m curious as My husband has just left long haul, we barely saw him and he was KNACKERED.

Don’t underestimate just how tired they get flying through the night. Of course it does depend how many nights he gets down route, but mine would come home a zombie sometimes.

I have 2 DC and their behaviour fell of a cliff when he was away, they really missed him.

I also have a career (earn over £100k) and that doesn’t work either. The ones that made it work, from what I could see, were stay at home Mums.

He’s back short haul again now, we see him a lot more, although I do miss the free flights around the world!

If it’s a lot more money or offers real benefits for you, I would get as much help as you can in terms of a nanny, but keep an eye on your kids behaviour.

I work in big tech, dh is in "the city" we have a 1 and 3 yr old.
we have a cleaner 4hrs pw, ft care for both and veryyy flexible working.
We just about manage but both if us do work from 8-10p most nights and standards have dropped massively. We are just about hanging in there and neither of us are "progressing our careers" right now
In your circs... I'd say somethings gotta give
Your dh will basically be absent and you'll be a single parent with a demanding job.

You will have the money but you will need proper paid help. And I mean PROPER.

I'd be looking at either someone live in who or a FT housekeeper (who will clean, wash clothes, do food shop /meal prep, errands etc) and maybe help with bath and bed with the kids or baby sit or whatever on an adhoc basis

My friend who has this set up (dh works in Amsterdam mon-fri) has a live in nanny.and a cleaner 10 hrs a week, a gardener and uses lions meal prep for herself ... nanny does food for their baby)

where ever you live you will need a live-in nanny-housekeeper.

So think about which is better for your family - see DH less but your parents more. Or see DH more (but possibly smaller house in the south) and see your parents less.

Sounds completely impossible without the help of a live in nanny or au pair.

I mean commuting to Heathrow is one thing, then the actual long haul flight, then the stop over. You need to take your DH out of the equation really. And if you work FT, you’re not even going to be able to do nursery pickups are you?

Sounds like you have childcare if you stay in Glasgow but none of you move to Sussex, I think you either have to cut down your hours or hire a full time nanny.

The commute sounds tough for him on top of long haul.

Having done two big jobs (I was a corporate lawyer at a magic circle firm and DH away from Monday to Friday when we had small children) the only way we could make it work, in the absence of any family help, was to move so my commute was only 30 minutes all in and get a full time nanny plus a cleaner. I was still pulled in all directions (eg if the nanny was sick or if I was on a big project) but that would be more easily handled now employers are generally better at allowing flexible working.

In your shoes I wouldn’t leave Glasgow if you are very reliant on the in laws. That sort of help is hugely valuable and if your DH is away a lot (and not doing his share of the childcare) his commute is going to be much less important than yours.

If you do move to London, don’t live anywhere with a long commute or where it’s too far for a cab ride home if the transport goes down. Nothing worse than being stranded and unable to get home to take care of the children. Surrey might be too far, depending on where you are thinking.

Your hours will be significantly longer in London than in Glasgow.

I gave up my job as an airline pilot to look after our child as we had no outside help. DH is long haul and the hours are brutal so when he is home he is often tired and grumpy. Lots of LH pilots do commute, but most that have long commutes go part time as soon as possible. It is a difficult decision, but if you moved to Surrey you would need a nanny and be prepared for many (most) weekends with him away. If you stay in Glasgow be prepared for him spending most of his life jet lagged and exhausted. The money is good.

You need a nanny, a well experienced one who can make everything to do with the children run smoothly. At the ages your children are, I don't think a nanny housekeeper combined role will work, this option would be good when they are at school but you will need separate cleaning/housekeeping help whilst they are still little.

POV on the DH's side of this from a now retired Long Haul pilot, based at Heathow, commuted from mainland Europe,.possibly worked at the airline under discussion.

As someone hinted at a lot depends on rosters, and they depends on the fleet your husband is headed for, and (if we are talking BA) senority, because that can govern if you get much if any control over rosters.

As a general points, lots of pilots and cabin crew lived in places.like Glasgow and flew to/from London for work,.so it can be done.

What follows is BA specific just in case that applies:

Worse case he'll be doing maybe 5 or 6 trips a month, each work block will maybe cover 3 or 4 days and the newbies tend to get clobbered with weekend working..

It's slightly better if he can get a roster with 3 or 4 slightly longer duration trips but that's easier with senority....

Basically plan on it being tough on family life if it's BA lots of weekend working, certainly in the near term.

Didn’t you discuss this before your husband went for the Heathrow job?

I have a friend who is a pilot but has done short haul. I can't see how long haul can work with a young family but appreciate you go where the jobs and money are. I think it's quite a lonely job at times.

Long Haul can work sort of OK with a young family if you can maybe get a part time contract and you have support at home.

It's can be tough to impossible (and horribly cream crackering) from a family POV if you are rostered up to the legal max every month...and many airlines aim to get pilots very close..

Flying too/from work (e.g Glasgow to.London) adds even more to the time away from home...might even mean an extra night away from home if the working trip has an early in the day report.

I'll add it can actually quite hard for an outsider to get a handle on how a prospective employer's rostering works in reality...

Did he ask your opinion before applying for the Heathrow role? It sounds a bit of a nightmare. Exhausted or absent DH and new role and more professional pressure for you. Worse commute and losing your childcare support. I would stay home in Glasgow until you have more clarity.

If your DH is going to be away that much, you’ll effectively be in the same position as a single mum with a big job, which is what I am. Childcare needs to be rock solid reliable and flexible, so your best option is a Nanny, probably live-in. I was fortunate enough to find a live-out Nanny Housekeeper, though she didn’t really like the housekeeper part of the job, however I couldn’t justify getting a cleaner on top, when in theory I had someone who was supposed to do it.

If you succeed in finding a Nanny, you’ll also need a cleaner as you will be exhausted trying to keep on top of DC, job and house otherwise.