Husband got a job offer abroad, I don't know what to do

[lalula]

My husband was recently offered a promotion within his tech company, which would require us to relocate to California. While it’s an exciting opportunity for him, we only just got married a few months ago, and moving abroad was never part of our immediate plans. At the same time, I’ve only just accepted a new position at an independent school in west London — also a step forward in my career.

The idea of giving that up to start over professionally in a new country feels like a huge personal sacrifice for me. On top of that, he earns about two to three times more than I do, which adds another layer of pressure to the decision. I’m really struggling to figure out what the right path forward is for both of us.

Initially he goes alone and you both travel back and forth. Independent school you will have long holidays.
while you start your new job
for one year

Do you actually want to live in California? Just because he was offered it, doesn't mean he has to accept.

This would be a firm no from me. What if you wanted kids? You want to raise them in America away from friends and family support where you will struggle to find teaching work and where Trump is?

Did he apply for it, or was just offered it out of the blue.

Did he apply for this job or did it just land in his lap? Did he consider whether you would want to go? I would imagine he'd be out of the house an awful lot and you wouldn't see much of him at all in the first year or two. Would that suit you? Would you actually be allowed to work over there? I don't think I would want to teach in an American school.

If you are relatively young and don't have kids and you can get a job there and you both agree it will be a time-limited move ( eg 2 years) then it might be a fun experience. Obviously you'd need to sort out health care etc, and deal with being in the land of the gun-toting crazies, but it would be an experience. Don't go to LA though, that's horrible.

Is it a huge salary increase? Most tech jobs in California mean living in extremely expensive areas. Housing will eat up a large part of his salary. There will also be large health care expenses.

Will your spousal visa allow you to work? Not all do.

are you planning to have children? If they are born in the U.S., you will not be allowed to return to the uk with them without his permission. Their presumed residence will be where you have been living. If you lose your visa status and he does not, you could even find yourself completely separated from your children.

I'm not sure there would be a wage high enough to attract me to work in America, Trump, MAGA, ICE, health insurance claim refusal with creeping restrictions on womens health (some states making miscarriage illegal), COL and rent, school shootings, guns in general, climate change causing massive fires in California, having to drive everywhere.

Your career path is just as valid OP, having said that a couple of decades ago I would have said go for it, but now I see America as regressive as the UAE. All sparkle and big wages, but scratch the surface and it's rotten to the core.

Do you enjoy your present life and career? Are you interested in living abroad for a few years? What does that mean for your career? What would you miss?

Completely agree.

I’m in the states due to DH’s work. He’s military, so it’s not even like we chose to live here….we were simply told: that’s where you’re going 🫠
We aren’t in California but are in another state close by, and I’d seriously heed the other warnings here about the financials of living in Cali 🤯😳
Recent stats show that the average person needs a salary of $113,652 (approximately £84,012 as of today’s exchange rate) to live comfortably in California.
If you rent, expect to pay upwards of $2700pcm for a modest apartment. If you choose to buy, California has the highest property taxes in the entire country.
Highest cost of groceries, highest cost of fuel - it’s generally the most expensive place to live in mainland USA.
In your situation, I wouldn’t go. I’d have DH go, get himself set up there and you travel back and forth during school holidays considering you’ve just got your new job. Then reassess at the end of next academic year 🤷🏻‍♀️

And also important not to forget the Divine Ruler has cut disaster relief funding……so when wildfires inevitably start up again in the coming months, California residents are fucked to put it mildly 😵‍💫

Have you both spent a lot of time in the US and California? Do you both like the lifestyle and culture? The scenery is lovely and if you are into the outdoors just awesome.

It is so expensive now to live - be very very sure of your numbers. How good is the health care and do you have any housing costs covered.

Is he keeping his uk holidays otherwise he will always be at work.

It might be very lonely for you as it will difficult to make friends outside of the wives of his collegues. Could you work. If so where. You will need 2 cars. If not what will you do?

If its in Silicon Valley would you live in a non description commuter type place or somewhere nicer but with a massive commute. Regardless,- rent anywhere near SF is huge. Again, what would you do all day?

How will you feel being tied to his likely J1 visa which means leaving in a few weeks if for some reason the job stops as the visa is job dependent.

Do not have dc in the states unless you are both settled for all the reasons mentioned earlier.

As pps have said- would you consider 18 months long distance? I did this albeit before we were married. He then came back. I went every holiday. It was okay.

It is definitely worth checking which Visa you would have as they impact whether you can work or not.
You as a family would need to earn about double what you do in the UK to have a similar lifestyle ( unless you’re moving somewhere with very cheap housing and you aren’t)
There are private schools you could teach in but teaching in general is often not well paid. The state sector teachers I know in the USA often have multiple extra jobs and work during the summer to support themselves.
I wouldn’t say don’t go, we did, but look into it carefully don’t get caught up in the romance of it.

I’d consider taking the job for at least a year and doing long distance too. Others ask very valid questions about cost of living, can you work, does he have any holidays and even if he does is the culture work till 10pm and don’t take any of those holidays so you will never ever see him…

If you have children there and you want to leave you will need to ask his permission. If he doesn’t want to leave and you do but he doesn’t grant permission then you could be stuck there

I work in big tech.

While i have questions doubts over trajectory of the uk... there honestly isnt enough money to make me live in palo alto.
Its a shitty dust box and SF is no better.
I go for work occasionally...

I'd also caution you on quality of life. On 400-500k usd as a childless couple you'll be living a slightly nice vaguely mc lifestyle, but nothing deluxe.

It will be better if he goes alone for year 1 you'll have long hols and can join him - do not expect to see too much of him they want their pound of flesh

As a teacher you can easily find a job in the US. I would go for it if you don't have children yet.

In California the majority voted for the Democrats so Trump is not popular there.

Tell him to research it very thoroughly before agreeing. Where in California? There is a housing crisis in Silicon Valley. People live in their cars.

Does the job offer come with a home? Does it come with top range health insurance for him and you? Would you be given a visa that allows you to work?

Cautionary tale but a family near us moved to US with a 'great' job offer and massive salary increase. They were home within two years, much poorer. The money doesn't go as far out there. Rent is expensive, food is very expensive and health insurance worth having is eye watering.

Also, you are married, so the decision is joint. I worked in US on secondment a few months after we married. I was offered a permanent job out there and would have loved it but DH adored his UK job so we stayed put.

I would ask him to negotiate a deal with his employers:
For 2 years the role is treated as a secondment - he lives out in california and does that job, and you stay living in the UK and the company pays for you to fly out to join him 3 times a year for each long school holiday.
After 2 years, you talk it through and decide whether to end the secondment and he returns back to his previous role (or seeks out a new role in the uk) or whether you emigrate out to the USA and commit to life there.

We've just come back from a trip to Central America. While there we got chatting with a few couples who had moved to the US from Europe and India for brilliant looking IT jobs. Every single one was looking to go back home. Not all had the same reason but insecurity and medical care costs were the recurring themes.

I'd have several things on my mind. The single biggest one would be, could you legally work in California? It sounds like it would be a really bad time in your career to stop work for two years, so that's the first major question. If you couldn't work there, then yes I would look at long distance living apart together for absolute maximum 2 years - tbh I would probably do 1 year in yoyr job while looking at options for remote working while you are there.

I adore California. I would jump at the chance to live there for a while even with Trump. I would talk to him seriously about whether in his heart he's thinking about a semipermanent move - kids etc out there. At your age I wouldn't rule it out, but it would be a major change by the sounds of it in your life plans. Also is his job one where these promotions move him around the world a lot? Will there likely be more moves, maybe Singapore or elsewhere in Asia? Is that what you're signing up to?

There is a lot of talking to be done.

How old are you both and do you have plans for children?

Theres potentially no reason you couldn’t both pursue your job opportunities. With the amount of time off your job affords, you would still be able to see a lot of each other.

The job insecurity is a big one

People are being made redundant almost indiscriminately at this point.

I wouldn't relocate my family in the first year for that reason alone