Husband got a job offer abroad, I don't know what to do

[lalula]

My husband was recently offered a promotion within his tech company, which would require us to relocate to California. While it’s an exciting opportunity for him, we only just got married a few months ago, and moving abroad was never part of our immediate plans. At the same time, I’ve only just accepted a new position at an independent school in west London — also a step forward in my career.

The idea of giving that up to start over professionally in a new country feels like a huge personal sacrifice for me. On top of that, he earns about two to three times more than I do, which adds another layer of pressure to the decision. I’m really struggling to figure out what the right path forward is for both of us.

There was a thread last week from a woman who moved to America for 3-5 years for DH's job, they have DC together, she wants to come home and he doesn't so she's stuck there (can't take the DC back to the uk) .
Think very very hard about What you want and if you want DC where you I want to raise them and even if he says he'll try it for X number of years you can't actually force him to return

I think your DH should do it if he wants to. Live in a long distance relationship for a year so you can work in your new job. Then see if for another year you want to go over. If he does that job in the US for even two years, he’ll have made more money and gained valueable work experience to benefit him also in the UK.

It could be an interesting opportunity for a year or 2 if the financials check out- the salaries often sound big but housing costs around where a lot of the big tech companies are can be insane, and there’s also health insurance to consider. If he’s transferring within his existing company that’ll be an L1 visa for him and an L2 visa for you which will mean that you can work, although confirm this with his company of course, and you’d probably be quite in demand for international/private schools. If he can keep his current holiday allowance and you’ll have plenty of disposable income it’s a good opportunity to do lots of holidays in that region that would cost a bomb if you flew from the UK! We did it for a few years, had a great time then moved home to the UK for our eldest to start school.

Does his company do this regularly - relocate families abroad? If so it would be worth you and him having a chat with colleagues who have already done it.

My old big company used to do this. The people who got posted abroad had incredible packages (finances, health, accommodation, education, spousal visas etc) and for all of them it accelerated their careers. They tended to stay there for 3 to 5 years then come back to an even bigger job.

The point is that loads of companies do the above and if they have a tried, tested and robust relocation package, a lot of risk is taken out. I would talk to him /the company about reassurances of timelines in the US e.g. is this for x years or indefinitely.

Firstly, do you actually want to live in the states?

Secondly, and for me this would be quite key, where abouts in california? I grew up there and adored it, but I lived in a small town in the mountains so very different to living in the bay area or LA. It depends on your lifestyle and what you want.

Thirdly, is there an option for him to relocate back to the UK further down the line? As I say, I loved it but theres no way I would want my children growing up in the states these days so definitely something to think about. You may go out there and love it, or you may want to come home in six months.

Good luck with your decision.

Yes I wondered that. It’s not completely unheard of for companies to say “hey whoever here’s a big new promotion and relocation package we’re just giving you even though you’d never expressed any interest in it” but it’s unlikely

2/3 X salary does not sound like enough to live in Cali

The US is so so ridiculously expensive - also it’s so culturally different.

I was about to mention this very thread.

The problem is if he moves over there you’ll be establishing that as the status quo and it’ll be more difficult to convince him to come back if you don’t like it. And if you have kids over there they’ll be US citizens.

OP I adore LA, San Diego and the U.S. in general and have been twice to the U.S. in the last year alone. That said, I probably won’t go again for a while. MAGA, ICE, TSA etc seem a bit out of control and even my friends over there are advising me to be cautious as a POC visiting there.

What is your experience of the U.S.? Could you imagine yourself living there? I have a friend who married an American man and she hates it over there.

We work overseas - some questions to ask very early on are: 1. What is the package including healthcare, accommodation and any travel to Uk to retain ties, is there any support for the spouse in terms of career, visa and pension, what are your working rights in US? You could check with the British Council what the market is like for UK teachers out there (often very favourable). You could of course commute in the holidays but there may be residency rules - for us the spouse has to be overseas for just over six months of the year for us to qualify for various things. We haven’t regretted it and would not in reality want to live apart the majority of the year (for any job) but we also have a good relationship and both were happy to move (and for basically one to be on a career break as where we are there are some restrictions around spouse working visas). Finally, I’d suggest DH also checked how open they are to him working day 2 months of year from Uk office assuming they still have one. A few of our colleagues do this.

“Gun toting crazies” there’s so much in that phrase I don’t know what to unpick first.

Only go if you can work there too, I was a trailing spouse 5 years ago to somewhere I couldn't work. Whilst I love the lifestyle here, I regret moving as my career basically died when we moved. It changed the dynamic of our relationship. Ensure you can work, be independent. Maybe make it time bound if youre not sure- as in let's go for 2 years and then if we aren't sure we come back. To be honest I wouldn't go if I couldn't work- if stay in your current job and travel back and forth.

I would go - you dont need to go immeduately, obviously but it's a great opportunity for both of you. Trump won't be in forever and Cali is a great place to live. You will find a teaching role look for the International schools, they teach English curriculum, or general private schools in Cali.

Good luck.

No help but as someone who moved only an hour and a half away from everyone I know for dh I’d honestly think long and hard- money is definitely not everything x

DH and I discussed before marriage that I would probably never be willing to move for his job. Since I wanted to maintain my earning ability.

before DC I might have considered somewhere with good job options for me. Would never be a trailing spouse. After DC no way I’d do it due to the risk of being stuck there forever in the event of divorce.

Not sure if the news is making it to the U.K……but LA currently resembles an actual war zone.
Residents are not tolerating the indiscriminate ICE raids. They are showing up, without the correct warrants etc and descending on homes and businesses in a very hostile, intimidating manner. Without getting into the ins and outs of undocumented immigration….these people are human beings and have the legal right to due process whether they are here legally or not. They are not getting due process. They are being rounded up by something resembling the gestapo….and LA residents aren’t having it 🤷🏻‍♀️
Huge protests in the streets have been going on for days. Armed agents in riot gear are throwing flash bang grenades at crowds. Just yesterday, a news helicopter captured footage of agents unloading an arsenal of weaponry from a helicopter in full military gear. The National Guard were called in yesterday. It’s literally one step away from martial law being declared.
https://www.bbc.com/news/live/cvg7vxx888kt

Similar is happening in Minneapolis too.

I wasn’t aware - that’s awful.

I have friends in LA but haven’t been on their social media or spoken to them recently.

Travelling this weekend so haven’t looked at the news much either. But yes sadly no surprise there, as I said ICE etc are out of control @MsNevermore

It’s honestly chaos.
It’s only a matter of time before government forces kill their own citizens.
I’ve just watched a video of a young man being peppered in the legs with rubber bullets and had a flash bang thrown directly at him.

I would tell him to take it if he really wants to with the view that you’ll see how it’s going a year down the line.

As a teacher you’ll have plenty of time off to travel over there and his new employer should be willing to pay for his travel back here.

OP may not be eligible to (1) do paid work or (2) teach in California

Indeed. This is true. It depends on your DH's exact status @lalula but when friends of ours went out to California for the DHs work, the DW was only able to basically be an SAHP with a little bit of unpaid volunteering and a little bit of WFH remote work from a UK employer who was very relaxed about where in the world she was, until they eventually they both qualified for green cards and she was allowed to work, but it's not automatic for the spouse of a non-american who gets a work visa for themself.

Big tech company well used to visas I hope? If not the chance of actually getting a visa to do the job is remote and may take a while. It may not be a real job offer, if the company can't get him in the country.

Did he even discuss with you that he going for this promotion in California?

Personally it's not for me, I'm a home body and love travelling but I like where I stay.

Awful 😧Those rubber bullets are dangerous.
I’m sure I remember a woman from the BLM protests who was badly injured for life as a result of them and opened a gofundme.

Just caught up with some news now https://www.bbc.com/news/live/cvg7vxx888kt#player

Yikes I see what you’re talking about @MsNevermore this is wild