Would you pull up this low level moody behaviour?

[SunnySideDeepDown]

I’ve been managing this person for two years and I’ve always found her tricky. She’s early 20s and good at her job, so no issues in terms of work performance and results. I regularly praise her for her work. But her attitude is starting to affect my happiness as work. For context, I’m late 30s and am a friendly approachable manager. We work closely together in our work and I’ve tried to be as supportive as I can through health and family issues. I give her regular guidance and attention when she asks but also a good amount of autonomy and flexible working. I show an interest in her life and she shows zero in mine, which I’ve come to accept, that’s fine. We also don’t have many colleagues which I think is why this is affecting me in the way it is; in a big team it would be less impactful.

1. she’s moody. I get it, we can all feel low or stressed at times but she makes it so obvious and I’m her manager, not her work mate. I think you should show respect with management and “turn up” and when meeting. We have regular catch ups - sometimes she’s sprightly but often she’s nonchalant, distracted or just flat. I ask her if everything’s ok, both at home and at work, and she says it is but will often only pick her mood up once I’ve acknowledged her poor mood. I never know what I’m going to be facing. She talks a lot about her health but hasn’t mentioned mental health so I don’t think it’s depression, although I guess it could be.

2. the other day, for example, we met in person to complete a task together. Again, I walk in bubbly and ready to do the work. The sun was shining and we had plenty of time set aside to do a good job together, it could have been fun! She instantly avoids my eye contact, talks huffily and made me feel awful in the first minute of arriving. One word answers and generally acting like a moody teenager and I felt uncomfortable. I asked her how she was - “fine”. “Are you sure as you seem upset, would you like to talk about it? “No”. I left it a few minutes and I couldn’t carry on with that atmosphere, so I said something like “you seem upset, do you need to take a minute or would you like to talk” at which point she cries and leaves the room. She comes back and I said I’m here to talk if she needs it but equally happy to leave it. She wanted to leave it but eventually she seems happier.

3. today, we meet on Teams for a catch up she’s requested and she’s staring at her other screen, clearly working on something. Again, moody when she talked and dismissive in her chat. I asked how her weekend was “ok, just relaxed”. No interest in my weekend - fine. But continued to be distracted so I asked if she needed anything, she says no so I say we’ll catch up later and leave the call.

4. loads of examples of my doing her a favour and she barely thanks me. I could count on one hand the number of times she’s thanked me. Whereas I make a point of thanking her for her contributions, highlighting her strengths and value in the team.

Im just fed up of the quietly controlling atmosphere I feel around her. I don’t know what mood I’m going to get. She’s also a poor communicator in my perspective. Shows little interest in other people and is just a hard person to build any kind of working relationship with besides task based chat. I’m not looking for a best mate, but do like to be friendly with my colleagues.

The reason why I haven’t addressed it formally is because it’s so low level. She hasn’t shouted at me or been overtly rude. I haven’t seen her act that moodily to others. She’s just subtly moody and disinterested with me and it’s affecting my work satisfaction. We work closely and don’t have many colleagues so it’s all the more noticeable.

Would you address this in her 121 or just leave it? I already ask her how she is regularly and she says she’s fine. So I think if i raise it I’ll need to be more specific about why I’m talking about her attitude but also I wonder if it’s just me as I can be sensitive to peoples emotions around me and find it hard to just ignore people etc.

I guess to me it comes across as unprofessional to be that moody, but then the workplace is all about “bringing your whole self to work” these days - maybe that’s just what she’s doing!

WWYD?

I would raise it in 1 to 1 else she’ll keep being the same.

The reason why I haven’t addressed it formally is because it’s so low level.

The "level" of her attitude shouldnt have a bearing.

The fact she is being cunty is enough - I'd put her on a performance improvement plan.

Doesnt have to be directly related to her work, which you said is fine - but her attitude stinks and thats what she should be managed for. She should buck up her ideas or leave.

Everyone is expendable in the workplace and life is too short to pander to people like this with their shitty PA behaviour(s).

You are mad to have put up with it for so long. There I’d imply no excuse to be so rude at work

Seriously, stop being so nice.

You need to ignore her moods. Stop asking if she is okay. Stop telling her you are there as her emotional crutch if she needs to talk, etc. etc.

Stick her on a PIP if you need to.

I’d work on being less affected by her moods too.

but she is being unprofessional. Talk to her 121 about it and give her targets to improve.

I see issues on both sides.

I'm wondering about this Shows little interest in other people and is just a hard person to build any kind of working relationship with besides task based chat. I’m not looking for a best mate, but do like to be friendly with my colleagues - are you perhaps a bit much? What is wrong with task based chat at work?

I wonder if it’s just me as I can be sensitive to peoples emotions around me and find it hard to just ignore people etc. This could be possible. You seem to be asking a lot of personal questions and trying to find out about home life. I have colleagues who are flat. They're fine, they do their jobs well.

I think you need advice from your manager.

If someone came in “bubbly” and wa ring to have fun in a meeting it could well irritate me.

she may be out of line. Or quite possibly you may be - she’s not your friend, obvciosyoybdiesnr want to be and she does her job. It sounds like you want more out of your relationship with her than she wants.

your mood shouldn’t be dependent on your direct reports moods. I’d take. Step back, be professionally friendly and crack on and get the work done without obsessing about the dynamics of your relationship with her.

Start by taking notes for a couple of weeks. When she is moody, what she says, how she says it, etc…. Then advise her that her moods are creating a tense working atmosphere and if she has anything going on in her private life, she needs to address it with a counsellor or her GP, as it is affecting your working environment.

Honestly I don’t think I’m too much. She’s disclosed personal information during 121s as part of the process, managers are encouraged to ask how people are in my workplace and staff wellbeing is a priority. I am a naturally nice person, yes, but I’m not in your face with it. I’m absolutely fine talking work, but it’s odd to me to work with someone for years and show zero interest in their lives. Don’t you ask your colleagues if they had a nice weekend? Or how their kids birthdays were (if they’ve said they had them), or how their holiday was? These are perfectly normal topics of conversation at work, to me. It’s part of building relationships.

Im not trying to find out about her work life, but if she’s stroppy and upset, I need to know if it’s work based upset or something unrelated.

Sorry, did I say I’m obsessing about it? I’m fine with purely work based chat, but that doesn’t excuse her blatant moodiness.

Are you short and flat with your manager?

She sounds difficult to be around but I think you need to be mindful of not repeatedly asking if she's okay and wants to talk. If there is really something going on then I think pushing it at the time isn't helping and could be seen as a bit intrusive. Having said that if she'd like this repeatedly (and it sounds like it is) you should raise it in her 1-2-1. She sounds like she doesn't respect you and needs to know it's an issue. Don't keep asking her if she's okay and wants to talk. She probably doesn't want to talk to you but I'm a formal 1-2-1 you can ask if there is something going on and tell her that her attitude is not acceptable. She sounds like she has poor social skills almost as if she doesn't realise she needs to be pleasant to you as you're her manager and she can do what she wants.

In your second example you asked her if she wanted to talk three times.

If she’s unpleasant to work with that needs addressing properly but acting like a counsellor is inappropriate and is feeding into it.

You sound quite demanding. If she's getting her work done just let her be. Some people aren't interested in bonding with their colleagues and that's fine. Stop taking it so personally.

Not justifying her behaviour - but she sounds a lot like me when I was about 23-25 in an abusive relationship with a 36 year old man. I found my work moods reflected how he’d treated me that morning and if he randomly had outbursts during the day, I (on reflection) would be lifeless in any meetings soon after. Maybe it’s something similar?

You don’t need to do more than you’re doing, just not take it personally. Sometimes we don’t click in a small team - I always have - but I’ve worked with colleagues who are 1 manager, 1 report and it’s PAINFUL to watch and half the time both are nice people, they just don’t click. Could be that one is super organised and one is scatty, but both are good at their jobs and the scatty one thinks the other is judging them so gets affronted “assuming” they’re being judged, when they’re not. You can’t control other people’s moods. I think you should bring it up, but also accept you may not find the positivity you’re looking for with her. (My husband is a ray of sunshine, genuinely, but can’t ever seem to like his direct manager because he’s very qualified and knows what he’s doing and they’ll try to take over and MAKE him do it their way (even once), it goes wrong or gets criticised and he then can’t get past them being controlling one time…. Maybe there’s been one incident you’ve overlooked your own behaviour and that’s it?)

too many options to guess, best to ask!

Is it affecting her work? It isn't clear from what you’ve written.

I think it's weird to ask someone if everything is OK at "work and home" and it sounds like you are trying to be a friend rather than a manager. You are also asking her repeatedly if she's OK even when she says she's fine which I think would be irritating.

Also she may be autistic. Avoiding eye contact, finding the social side of things difficult. Seems a bit mean to make it a performance related thing if they're doing their job fine.

If she's being rude saying rude things, ignoring you then it is different. But if she is getting her job done to a decent level and keeping things task based, not ignoring you then you need to take a step back.

My DH can come across like this. He has Asperger's.

My DH wants to go to work, do his job (he hyper focuses and is amazing at it) but has no interest in friendships, getting to know people or doing false pleasantries (he has got a better social understanding since I prepped him !)

I mean this nicely , but are you coming across as a bit "Pollyanna?" You're obviously a bright and cheery positive person (and that's lovely) but not everyone is like that. Some people just want to be left alone, get their head down and do their work. If you're not that way inclined, it can come across as rude and standoffish, but we're all different.

You do sound a little pushy with the probing her on what's wrong (sorry). If she's said "fine" just take it at face value.

If her performance is excellent, I'd just let her be. It takes all sorts to make the world go round.

She wasn’t fine though. She was avoiding me when we met specifically to complete a task together. She was giving me one word answers and acting off.

If she was acting normally, I’d have just said hey and gotten on with the day with normal work and chit chat. I don’t make a habit of asking people how they are but if they’re obviously moody, I can’t just ignore that as a manager? Or should I just accept my staff member essentially ignoring me?

It’s tough - I take on board what people are saying and I’ll hold back more. I can be a “fixer” personality and perhaps I should instead accept her moods in the moment, document, and raise in 121s.

I have this issue too and it’s tricky. The person is only moody maybe once a month or so. They are a good worker generally. I raised one of the behaviours with them and they acted quite confused or didn’t see the issue. It will definitely raise its head again and I’m thinking of taking notes so that I can give very specific examples. I work in the kind of place where it’s very hard to get rid of someone. Not that I’d want to necessarily but any performance management plan wouldn’t go anywhere but would cause bad feeling so it feels like there isn’t a clear solution. I also have problems with their colleague who I also line manage but much worse and I almost want to keep the moody one on side as I can’t be having issues with them all at the same time 🤣

I think you’re right. Not necessarily about a diagnosis, but about accepting the situation.

I think it feels like a bigger issue because we’re a small team and she’s the role I need to work with most so it affects me more than if I had a lot of regular interaction with others to almost dilute it. My manager has multiple hats on so I see her less frequently (although we have a good relationship).

I’ve always gotten on with colleagues before, both those I manage and my managers, so the long standing ‘friction’ I feel from her isn’t usual for me but I suppose I need to relax and accept it for what it is. And sadly, if it’s affecting my work, maybe I should be looking elsewhere long term. The dynamic isn’t one I want to continue for years ahead for sure.

I think you are being too accomodating. Stop asking her social things for example - just be more perfunctory. That alone May help. She sounds like she needs counselling. I think you need to tell her straight with examples that she is being un profesional. Then see if she improves. Start keeping a note of everything.

Yes, it would be easier if it was more extreme behaviour but when it’s subtle or infrequent it becomes harder to address I think. And having read some opposition on this thread, there’s also a chance I’m reading too much into it and expecting more than I should as a manager.

I do expect greater professionalism though, and part of that is showing respect for me as her manager (whether she actually respects me or not). I’m not convinced she does this but perhaps I’m still at documentation phase. It will at least help me see a bigger picture and whether it’s enough to raise or if I’d be better off letting it slide.

From what I've read her work seems good- not sure what basis any pp would have for putting her on a PIP.
Sounds like she just finds you a bit much tbh, and I'd find it hugely annoying if my boss kept on asking me if I was OK. You aren't her friend, and she won't view you that way either.

I’m not looking to be her friend, I’m looking for two way communication, I’m looking for professionalism where I’m not met with single word answers or huffiness. Where I’m not left hanging on teams calls.

She also cuts me off mid sentence to answer her front door (no “can I…”, just goes “hang on” and off she goes). Cuts my sentences because her cat has jumped on her lap. Checks her phone multiple times during meetings and 121s.

This is her first proper job since school and I don’t think she’s learned how to act professional in the workplace. She shows a lack of respect for me as a line manager and I’m not taking that personally, but I’d like it to improve. But like I said, it’s all pretty low level stuff, nothing major that would make the conversation feel totally worth it. The quality of her work is fine. Her attitude isn’t always (sometimes she’s fine)

I think you should tread carefully here as tbh i think a line manager giving feedback along the lines of ‘be more cheery’ could potentially open a can of worms and MAY result in her complaining about you. I think it’s really difficult to give examples of low level rudeness that doesn’t look like you are being extremely petty or essentially have an agenda against someone.

I think other PPs are right to suggest you juts ignore it as much as possible, nothing you’ve said actually sounds that bad and I think ‘documenting’ stuff like ‘she didn’t ask me about my weekend’ could be seen as you having a grudge. I would be wildly unimpressed if my LM had been compiling a secret dossier of times I had seemed distracted. She could be doing the same for you if she thinks you are being intrusive and over familiar! It doesn’t even really sound like she is being particularly unprofessional, it might be that she doesn’t like you that much but if she’s getting the work done…

it’s tricky for you though, I get that.