Would you pull up this low level moody behaviour?

[SunnySideDeepDown]

I’ve been managing this person for two years and I’ve always found her tricky. She’s early 20s and good at her job, so no issues in terms of work performance and results. I regularly praise her for her work. But her attitude is starting to affect my happiness as work. For context, I’m late 30s and am a friendly approachable manager. We work closely together in our work and I’ve tried to be as supportive as I can through health and family issues. I give her regular guidance and attention when she asks but also a good amount of autonomy and flexible working. I show an interest in her life and she shows zero in mine, which I’ve come to accept, that’s fine. We also don’t have many colleagues which I think is why this is affecting me in the way it is; in a big team it would be less impactful.

1. she’s moody. I get it, we can all feel low or stressed at times but she makes it so obvious and I’m her manager, not her work mate. I think you should show respect with management and “turn up” and when meeting. We have regular catch ups - sometimes she’s sprightly but often she’s nonchalant, distracted or just flat. I ask her if everything’s ok, both at home and at work, and she says it is but will often only pick her mood up once I’ve acknowledged her poor mood. I never know what I’m going to be facing. She talks a lot about her health but hasn’t mentioned mental health so I don’t think it’s depression, although I guess it could be.

2. the other day, for example, we met in person to complete a task together. Again, I walk in bubbly and ready to do the work. The sun was shining and we had plenty of time set aside to do a good job together, it could have been fun! She instantly avoids my eye contact, talks huffily and made me feel awful in the first minute of arriving. One word answers and generally acting like a moody teenager and I felt uncomfortable. I asked her how she was - “fine”. “Are you sure as you seem upset, would you like to talk about it? “No”. I left it a few minutes and I couldn’t carry on with that atmosphere, so I said something like “you seem upset, do you need to take a minute or would you like to talk” at which point she cries and leaves the room. She comes back and I said I’m here to talk if she needs it but equally happy to leave it. She wanted to leave it but eventually she seems happier.

3. today, we meet on Teams for a catch up she’s requested and she’s staring at her other screen, clearly working on something. Again, moody when she talked and dismissive in her chat. I asked how her weekend was “ok, just relaxed”. No interest in my weekend - fine. But continued to be distracted so I asked if she needed anything, she says no so I say we’ll catch up later and leave the call.

4. loads of examples of my doing her a favour and she barely thanks me. I could count on one hand the number of times she’s thanked me. Whereas I make a point of thanking her for her contributions, highlighting her strengths and value in the team.

Im just fed up of the quietly controlling atmosphere I feel around her. I don’t know what mood I’m going to get. She’s also a poor communicator in my perspective. Shows little interest in other people and is just a hard person to build any kind of working relationship with besides task based chat. I’m not looking for a best mate, but do like to be friendly with my colleagues.

The reason why I haven’t addressed it formally is because it’s so low level. She hasn’t shouted at me or been overtly rude. I haven’t seen her act that moodily to others. She’s just subtly moody and disinterested with me and it’s affecting my work satisfaction. We work closely and don’t have many colleagues so it’s all the more noticeable.

Would you address this in her 121 or just leave it? I already ask her how she is regularly and she says she’s fine. So I think if i raise it I’ll need to be more specific about why I’m talking about her attitude but also I wonder if it’s just me as I can be sensitive to peoples emotions around me and find it hard to just ignore people etc.

I guess to me it comes across as unprofessional to be that moody, but then the workplace is all about “bringing your whole self to work” these days - maybe that’s just what she’s doing!

WWYD?

Having read your most recent update, maybe you could suggest a mentor for her? I have been a peer mentor in a vaguely similar situation where it was someone who essentially needed a model of how to behave. I also think maybe being a b more it brusque will be more effective than being nice, ie you could say that you would like her to set aside toke she I’ll not be interrupted for your 1:1s etc. sometimes being clear with expectations is good.

Posts like this make me laugh all I can say is everyone needs to get use to this stuff very quickly as things are about to change i have bpd so my moods change rapidly and i also have bipolar so my moods and emotions are all over the place but according to the government because I can put a fork to my mouth and can wash the upper half of my body with aids i will have to work a full time job and honestly people's moodiness will be the least of people's worries because when I'm in psychosis and become homicidal I'm really not nice to be around.

Shows little interest in other people and is just a hard person to build any kind of working relationship with besides task based chat

Work based talk is a working relationship. She’s doing her job just fine and having appropriate work based chat. Her being disinterested in your personal life isn’t something you can complain about. She’s there to work, not to be counselled by an unqualified person or gossip about her weekend.

I have a slightly similar situation (not work) with someone who repeatedly asks me if I’m ok. I tell him I’m ok and it’s met with repeated questions until he’s suitably convinced. I’m on the verge of telling him to fuck off. I am ok, and if I wasn’t I don’t want it pointing out. Neither would I want to talk to him about it. It makes me feel self conscious, harassed and pressured to perform “happiness” for his benefit.

There is a big difference between enquiring after someone’s general wellbeing and refusing to take No for an answer. No means no and the implication something is wrong with her is not nice. She probably feels tense and defensive because you’re ignoring her boundaries.

You asked her if she wanted to talk and she said no. You then asked her again and again. She left the room in tears and when she came back you asked again! Do you not see anything wrong with that? Stop meddling in her emotional state and let her do her job.

Strikes me you need to be somewhat less concerned for her welfare and a bit more concerned about her pass-agg insubordination. You're her boss, and she needs to respect that in the workplace.

I can be a “fixer” personality and perhaps I should instead accept her moods in the moment, document, and raise in 121s

Fixers bond over fixing, especially emotional problems. They can look for problems that are not there because they want to connect and feel helpful. It’s nice for the fixer but horrible for the other person who either has to make something up “I’m just a bit tired” to get them off their back , or give off vibes that they’re not up for a unwanted counselling experience like your colleague is doing.

Theres a power imbalance because she’s young and you’re her manager. You shouldn’t keep asking her if she’s ok or if everything’s ok at home. It’s intrusive and not your place. Someone older and more assertive would have told you to pack it in playing counseller.

I am not being unkind, but when your emotional probing has someone in tears, and you still wont stop, that sort of fixing has become toxic.

"She also cuts me off mid sentence to answer her front door (no “can I…”, just goes “hang on” and off she goes). Cuts my sentences because her cat has jumped on her lap. Checks her phone multiple times during meetings and 121s."

This is something concrete that can be discussed in a 121. These are solid examples of unprofessional behaviour. This is where you can set out your expectations as a manager. It's about her being 'present'.

Stop asking her if she is ok or wants to talk. Your her boss not her friend. She may not like the constant reading of her state of being.

I'm thinking maybe she just doesn't like you much @SunnySideDeepDown

Although it is rude of her not to be focussed during a meeting - cats are distracting if very cute

She sounds like hard work, I would stop indulging it, you aren't her mother. If you say are you ok? And she replies yes then don't keep digging, just get on with it and ignore her mood.

I would address it in a 1-2-1 but do it gently in case she does have Aspergers or something similar. Maybe don't frame it as moodiness but ask her to make improvements with her communication, ie focus on each other, not other work/screens, try to engage with sentences, not one word answers, turn up to meetings with a positive attitude (not necessarily "all bubbly because the sun is shining", but not sullen). Remember to offset any constructive criticism with praise for what she does well.

On your side, respect the fact she doesn't want to share anything about her personal life. Yes, it's nice to exchange a few pleasantries with colleagues, but some prefer to be extremely private, or may not be NT, so respect that.

Tbh, I’d be sick of you asking if I was ok and asking questions about my weekend.

She wants you to leave her alone and let her get on with her job and that’s ok. Accept, as her manager, that’s who she is. Talk to people who want to to be friendly.

I think you need to be more assertive as a manager and be less attuned to her ups and downs of mood. In the teams meeting where she was looking elsewhere abd you ended up re scheduling , why weren't you more assertive about what you'd met for and got on with it. She doesn't need to ask about you, you just need to get tasks done . If you are regularly not getting stuff done then raise with hr. People have different personalities maybe this is hers and you have to cut through it and not take it personally.

Time for a courageous conversation. Pull her up on it.

I think you’ve overlooked the fact that she’s giving one word answers and ignoring her boss. I’m not constantly asking if she’s ok - I’m trying to resolve what is sometimes a very tense atmosphere so that I can also enjoy work.

Yes, she’s entitled to privacy and I’m very happy to accept and honor that, but I’m entitled, as her colleague and manager, to have full conversations and not one word grunts. And if she grunts at me, I’m entitled to find out if there’s a problem.

I'd stop asking her about her weekend, how she us etc. I would tell her to act a bit more professionally in the office though and to stop being so moody.

I don't think she appreciates all the friendly chit chat. Telling her she's being unprofessional though might make her realise she needs to stop behaving like that in the office.

I think your response is quite revealing.

You've already said she does her job well and chats about work.

What you seem to be saying is she isn’t meeting your emotional needs for connection and conversation.

It doesn't sound doesn't like you have had a conversation with her about this, so why are people talking about PIP's? Seems a bit drastic if you haven't raised anything in an informal discussion yet.

Book a meeting with her to discuss preferred communication style. Ask her if she would prefer if you don't ask about her personal life and say you find the brisk responses jarring. Work with her and you might see an improvement. If not then at least you tried first.

The fact she is checking her phone while you are trying to have a conversation about work with her is outrageous. She has no idea how to behave at work. I would stop asking her how she is and in a one-to-one meeting I would say to her that she is creating a very bad atmosphere and although she is doing the job properly she is not behaving in a way that makes the workplace a happy place. Some of her behaviour is downright rude and I do think you should pull her up on it even if you just think of it as being for her own good. I really don't think you should be thinking of leaving!

I would be very wary of bringing this up until you’ve corrected your own boundaries and style of communication. Repeatedly asking someone personal questions until they cry is really overstepping and if she’s documented this it might be you in a 121.

I think what you perceive as disinterest and moodiness is her trying to maintain professional boundaries. She sounds like she may be nd with her lack of eye contact, being flat and dislike of personal conversations and small talk. If she is, the experience of you trying to cajole her into mirroring your emotional state could have felt like bullying along with the subsequent questioning.

People mirror each other all the time quite naturally. A different colleague might have met your bubbliness with enthusiasm. Some nd people struggle with this or simply don’t want to do it because they feel they’re being pressured to be fake. They have a point because if you are being honest you wanted her to be bubbly and fun to meet your own needs.

I am not nd but I know what this forced mirroring feels like. The man I mentioned earlier doesn’t ask me if I’m ok in a benign way. He asks me because I don’t join in with his over the top tigger type energy, so therefore something must be wrong with me. It’s not nice.

Your preference for fun and friendly conversations isn't unreasonable. But they are not realistic with this person and she has made it very clear she doesn’t want that sort of relationship. Accept her as she is. It’s ok she’s a bit flat and it’s not a rejection of you. Stop trying to build an unwanted intimate connection and focus on your working relationship.

She may has autism or ADHD so doesn’t naturally think about others and maybe finds the constant questions about if she’s ok too much! Though does sound like you need to put her on informal coaching plan on code of conduct at work particularly if in a customer facing environment! Or maybe she simply doesn’t like her job! Can you ask her and see if you can move her to another part of the business? Maybe you are not the right manager for her? Anyone else she can move to? I’ve moved individuals from line managers before when I can see it’s not a good fit to see if they do better elsewhere?

Yes, she’s entitled to privacy and I’m very happy to accept and honor that, but I’m entitled, as her colleague and manager, to have full conversations and not one word grunts. And if she grunts at me, I’m entitled to find out if there’s a problem.

And this is exactly why you should now place her on a formal improvement plan / discipline her sorry ass for her behaviour.

She either bucks her ideas up, or you help her out the door with a P45 to "grunt" into.

Dont pussyfoot around this issue.

I feel this, also we only have your side of this general friendly is nice 'bubbly' is too much

I don't mind the odd chat but I am at work to work

Agree that she shouldn't be checking her phone, but for a lot of this you sound at least as much at fault as her. You are bubbly, chatty, extroverted, and want to bring your personal life into work. Great - that's you - but you do need to realise that not everyone is or should be like you. Once you've driven someone to tears with personal questions that's definitely a sign to step back. Suppose - for instance - that she were going through IVF and just did not want to talk to you about it? She doesn't owe you a chat. You don't have the right to hear about her weekend.

I think she sounds incredibly rude.
I’m an introvert and not great at small talk, but what you’re describing is just professionalism and politeness, which she is completely lacking.
i wouldn’t dream of behaving with a colleague, let alone a manager, the way you describe she does!

I would start to note the incidents that more clearly cross the line and then raise it in a 1:1. No one needs to be Pollyanna but you can’t be surly, negative and rude at work.