Telling me to go to my GP

[BunnyVV]

Having a few issues at work. Too long-winded to go into. My work is not suffering. In short, there is some in my team who makes me cry as they are disruptive. (HR investigating, will
probably come to nothing).
As a result, my boss is keeps telling me there’s something wrong and I need to see my GP. I am under the care of my GP for a particular issue that is not straight-forward and I am having tests. It doesn’t prevent me from working. I work cross/functionally with a lot of people all of whom like me and all is ok (but busy). I am managing a heavily operational role and doing fine. Not dropping any balls.

i get she needs to say it once to cover her duty of care for my well-being.

However, every time I cry my boss emails me with her opinion that I need to go to my GP. I keep telling my boss that I have received the instruction from her and HR to speak to my GP, and I have a blood test booked. I feel that this means I am under the care of my GP. I don’t want to go again in case my GP signs me off work for stress. I don’t want to be signed off. I like my job and I am good at it.

my boss keeps emailing me telling me she thinks I should make an appointment with my GP about the fact I keep crying. I confirm I have received the instruction and I feel it’s being addressed in the wider issue where I’m already having tests. She then repeats by sending another email stating that she thinks I need to tell my GP specifically about the crying, but that it’s 100% my decision what I do.

I agree it’s 100% my decision what I do and I ask her to stop sending me emails telling me I should go to my GP again.
She may not agree with my decision but it is what I have decided.

at what point is she overstepping the mark by sending another email to justify her request that I see my GP?

she is starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

i have said I am happy to see the company doctor if they make me an appointment. But please can she stop emailing me about seeing my GP.
I would gladly go to an appointment with the company doctor and they can do any test they like and ask me any questions they like.

It's perfectly fine for you to say that you are under your Dr's care.
How many times has your boss emailed you about seeing your doctor ?
Meanwhile - if your colleague is making uou cry you could either report them for workplace bullying, OR get some therapy where you learn how to handle such people without crumpling.
Good luck.

OP I think you are conflating two different things. You have booked to see the GP for a blood test as you believe the issue is physical. It would seem your boss thinks the issue is mental as you are crying a lot at work. You think you are under the care of a GP but only physically and it sounds like to your manager you aren’t addressing the mental aspect of this issue which it sounds like this is. You have said yourself and have given specific examples of crying at work because of specific circumstances - this isn’t because of an iron difficiency (for example).

I would gently suggest that you may feel you are performing but if you are crying very often it is affecting the team and intimately your work.

If HR and your boss know about the situation and presumable others in your team (as they will see the tears) and don’t think there is an issue. I again would gently suggest mentally you aren’t in a good place.

Your manager is trying to support you as it sounds like you don’t want to accept there is a mental issue concern here. Feeling that upset at work and crying every couple of days isn’t normal and will start to affect your performance. You said you don’t want to be signed off by a GP but this suggests to me you know this may happen.

Does your company have a mental health support line you can call?

I think there's been a misunderstanding, your boss wants to know that you've seen your GP for mental health support, either for medication or to be referred for counselling. Why is a blood test relevant?

You can't be crying at work 3 times in just over a week.

I think raising it every time there is a new incident or other sign that you aren’t coping well is reasonable. You are displaying signs of poor mental health. Your boss has a duty of care that doesn’t go away just because you don’t want to tackle it. Your statement about being under the GP’s care is clearly weasel wording and your boss is, presumably, not stupid.

I think I would also be asking you to see your GP if you have cried 3 times in the last 9 days - I really think you need to think about your well being and focus on how you are feeling/ your mood and how you are functioning. Sometimes (kindly) when we are overwhelmed with emotion because of difficulties it may be hard to reflect and see the actual impact on us of other peoples behaviour.

I would be very concerned about a colleague who was upset and who visibly is struggling.

You need legal advice. It seems you are being bullied and your manager is playing it that you are the problem. You don't want to play into that narrative because management ought to be disciplining the person who is causing all the distress. Are you in a union? If so call them. Also call ACAS. But ideally you will see a lawyer. Do not ignore this as it's not going to end well for you if you do.

How do other people feel about this person? Do they upset other people as well as you?

If I were your boss and you had cried at work 3 times in the past week, I'd consider it my duty to check on your wellbeing and ask if you are seeking GP support. You telling me that you're having blood tests would not reassure me that you're being honest with your GP about the situation.

Having said that, I'd be calling a meeting with you to check that I was giving you the right support. I'd feel a failure as a manager if a member of my team was in tears so often and the only support I was giving was a few emails.

I used to work with someone who cried daily and for most of the day. This was in front of children and adults. Management just used to ignore it and she would sit crying while still working. I would go out of my way to be kind to her but it continued. It went in for literal years. I don't know what management were thinking putting her in charge of the children's area everyday or just carrying on ad if it was normal. Anyway it did really affect everyone else. It was difficult to work with her and you felt like you were walking on eggshells. The atmosphere was awful and awkward. I felt sorry for the children who came for a fun day and would just play around a crying adult. Obviously I felt sorry for her but I remember everyone avoided her ad they didn't know how to just carry on working while someone cried the day away.

I have cried at work as I work an incredibly stressful emotional job. But it's been twice in 10 years and I have always taken myself away to cry in private or with a trusted colleague. I cry at home more often though.

I understand it's due to you experiencing the colleague being unkind but even so it's not normal for grown adults to cry so often. There are lots of awful colleagues around and I myself have felt pissed off with them many times but the usual response is to internally swear and then raise it with management. I can't say I have ever seen anyone cry on meetings and such like even when things have been heated or upsetting. I'm an emotional person op but in your shoes I'd be questioning my resilience and mental health. Nothing wrong with having poor mental health, especially as a response to bullying. It's not a sign of failure. Look after yourself.

I think you're boss is correct to be following this up. Being in tears at work 3 times already this year is concerning.

How long have you been managing people for? Do you think people management is for you?

I've managed some tricky/frustrating characters over the years but nobody has ever made me cry (and believe me I'm a crier!)

Tearful 3 x in 8 working days would be enough for me, as a manager, to be very concerned. Totally reasonable to ask you to see your gp and more concerning if you refuse but continue to be upset.

Honestly op. I'm sorry you're finding it so hard but crying away at your desk every few days is absolutely not sustainable for any of ye as well as being really uncomfortable for the people sitting around ye. You need to stop focusing on your manager emailing you and focus on what you need to stop crying at work so often.
I don't want to be unkind but you will permanently damage your reputation if you don't get to grips with this somehow.

I am sorry, but receiving her message is not enough, and the very fact she keeps repeating it is evidence that you are not "recieving it", you are ignoring it. Constantly crying in work - and you are constantly crying at work - is unprofessional, unacceptable and must have an awful impact on your team and everyone around you. You may be right about this other person - but have you thought for one minute about how your conduct in all of this is impacting on others? With respect, no matter how difficult this other person is (and as a manager, which you seem to say you are, it is your responsibility to manage this) this "lovely team that you've built" is seeing you crying repeatedly at work, and it must be as obvious to them as it is to people here that you are not well, almost certainly should not be at work no matter how you feel about it, and are not exercising the self-care that they should expect.

To be perfectly frank, not only is she not overstepping her boundaries, but in her shoes I would have suspended you on medical grounds and referred you to OH by now. She is being more than fair and I honestly think she needs to double-down on this - she is being irresponsible on several fronts by not doing so, both to you and to other employees.

Quite seperately, they are looking in to the behaviour of this other person - have you provided them with clear evidence of their conduct? As a manager it is down to you to manage this person if they are shouting or acting inappropriately with members of the team; and if it continues when you have acted then to provide evidence of what they and you have done so that others can support you in dealing with it. But in a sense whilst she might possibly express herself better, if you have brought this person on board, you have a responsibility to deal with it - this person seems to not respect you, and crying at work about it will do nothing to dispel that belief.

I haven't cried 3 times at work in 25 years, let alone in 2 weeks!!
This isn't normal.

Sounds shit but you really need to try and develop some strategies to stop crying at work.

Also your GP won’t sign you off for stress unless you ask them to. They might suggest you take time off but they can’t make you

my boss keeps emailing me telling me she thinks I should make an appointment with my GP about the fact I keep crying

So you are ill and are also facing harassment and bullying at work for it?

I'd be thinking about this carefully and flagging this with HR as making a difficult situation worse...

I agree that you should say that your doctor has said that you are working in a toxic environment and that he or she will not prescribe antidepressants so that you can cope with toxic behaviour.

This is a tough one. I am a crier. I cry all the time. It's how my body regulates the emotion and it took me a long time to understand that is absolutely fine. However, when I cry Infront of others, I make a point to say "I'm fine, this is just how my body regulates itself. Please excuse me for a moment".
I have been signed of work many time over the years and frankly I cried a lot less after a two week mental health break.
I think as others have said, your boss is trying to get through to you that you need to seek some mental health support. While you may be under GP care, seeing a GP for gout (for example) and getting a blood test would not suggest the GP is covering the bases your boss is concerned about so the response you're giving is not satisfying their duty of care towards you.
I think you need to seek some mental health support and look at your work environment and how it can be improved.

So have you actually told your GP you keep crying?

May I ask your age? Is it possible that you are menopausal and would benefit from HRT. I found myself crying when frustrated before HRT which has changed my life.

There is no point keep telling her you hear her if you aren't actually taking any form of action to resolve this.

If the colleague is misbehaving in private and you are their manager then it is time to discipline them. Or if that is not your remit to raise a grievance so that their behaviour is investigated and addressed.

How many times is reasonable for your boss to recommend / ask you to see your GP?

Probably one cycle of interactions per event.

So one initial raise, and then follow up / reminder / check in if not followed through on.

Then start again if it happens again.

It sounds like your boss has seen through your attempt to divert the topic with the distraction that you’ve seen the GP for something that seems unrelated.

It’s also likely that your boss is trying to avoid needing to go down the capability route. They’re trying to help.

Sounds like you’re a manager. Put yourself in their shoes. One of your team is consistently showing signs of poor mental health. It’s impacting the work place. How many times do you try and encourage them to address it if you’re being given no indication that they are?

You're right OP it doesn't seem professional for your boss to keep telling you to go to GP when you've already answered the question. It's a HR question I can't answer, but if it were a different symptom, eg frequent toilet visits and your boss was telling you every time "you need to tell your GP" when you've already told her you have and it's being investigated, I think people would see it differently

Tbf to OP - she has said that she's told boss she has seen the GP and is having tests

You mentioned in your OP that the reason you are crying is due to the behaviour towards you of some members of staff.
Is there a reason you can't or won't say this to your manager?
I really hope you are in a union and that you can go and discuss this with your union rep.

I think your boss is right to be concerned and is also covering her own back by putting it in writing that she is addressing this with you.

I hope the issue with your colleague is resolved, it sounds like a horrible situation if it has you in tears every couple of days.