Female bosses and male direct reports

Eskimal · 2024-12-27T10:38:18+00:00

I manage a large team, a mixture of ages, abilities, salary levels. Mostly men, 2 women (3 including me). I am having some issues with one of my direct reports who is a man. He’s fine whilst I let him be autonomous, but struggles if I give him direction or ask him to do something specific. If I do this it’s always with an explanation and context so he understands why, but he will just carry on and do it his way. I thought it was because he was a bit set in his ways, but now I’m not so sure. recently I had to speak to him about his behaviour and tone when in a meeting at an offsite location. He was reactive and angry over something work-related. Totally inappropriate. He then had a 1 on 1 conversation with a colleague the next day which was even more angry. he absolutely didn’t like being spoken to by a woman in this way, and thought it was not my place to address his behaviour. The group incident was undeniable, but the 1 on 1 incident he claimed never happened. There’s not much I can do about that one. It is my responsibility to address it as I am his boss and he upset members of the team and other external people. i think I am going to have to get HR involved as he doesn’t want to (or won’t) be accountable for his behaviour, nor recognise that I am the person who gives direction and addresses problems in the team. any advice or people in similar situations? The rest of my team are great.

DreadPirateRobots · 27/12/2024 10:42

You're his boss. You don't need him to agree that his behaviour is unacceptable. Your opinion is what counts here. Presumably you know about his behaviour in the 1:1 from the other person who was there, so of course you can do something about that. Document the report of that behaviour.

It is not HR's job to manage this situation for you. They can advise you, but you're paid to manage him so manage him. Start a disciplinary process. Document everything.

TinyMouseTheatre · 27/12/2024 10:42

Definitely speak to HR. They should help you to manage him out.

MuggleMe · 27/12/2024 11:05

Whether he agrees or not, you'll presumably need to involve hr as he needs a written warning about the behaviour he doesn't deny? And you'll need to follow policy.

LadyLapsang · 27/12/2024 11:30

As he is your direct report, I’m presuming you are having regular KiTs. Do you understand why he is unhappy / angry? Do you know what else is going on in his life? When I was involved in a similar situation, the person had serious and worsening physical health problems, was a carer for an elderly parent, a DC was having issues in HE and it all got too much and he became depressed / anxious. Certainly he had to improve his behaviour - which he did - but he also needed support.

HelplessSoul · 27/12/2024 12:01

Document his inappropriate behaviour and use the disciplinary procedure on him.

Thats what it is there for.

Matters not about the gender of who is the manager/direct report. Your job is to manage - so manage.

Tough that he doesnt like a woman manager - nows the time to lay down the rules - he either conforms, or you execute a plan to get rid. No third way really.

Original poster

Eskimal · 27/12/2024 12:25

LadyLapsang · 27/12/2024 11:30

As he is your direct report, I’m presuming you are having regular KiTs. Do you understand why he is unhappy / angry? Do you know what else is going on in his life? When I was involved in a similar situation, the person had serious and worsening physical health problems, was a carer for an elderly parent, a DC was having issues in HE and it all got too much and he became depressed / anxious. Certainly he had to improve his behaviour - which he did - but he also needed support.

Yes I know about his home life. He has all the support he needs. We have regular catch-up. There may be reasons behind his behaviour but the inappropriate reactions are not down to work-related stress or pressure.
its a simple problem that he thinks he has a right to act the way he does and then he doesn’t like his manager telling him to have a think about other ways to react when he disagrees with an opinion or proposal, and how his behaviour disrupts the atmosphere in the meeting room, and ultimately hinders the progress of the meeting. People have put effort into travelling to a meeting point. They all want to play a part in the discussions and they all want to keep the focus on making the best decisions on the project plan. Lots of people disagree with certain points or the order of tasks on the project, but they are able to voice their opinions in a respectful way.

OP posts:

TinyMouseTheatre · 27/12/2024 12:30

Did you post after the meeting OP? It seems very familiar.

Original poster

Eskimal · 27/12/2024 15:16

TinyMouseTheatre · 27/12/2024 12:30

Did you post after the meeting OP? It seems very familiar.

No. This is my first post on the issue. The meeting happened in mid November. There’s been lots of annual leave since then. I reviewed things with him today in the hope of finding a way forward, and his position hasn’t changed: he says that I don’t get to decide the definition of inappropriate behaviour because he thinks getting angry is ok if he doesn’t like someone’s opinion. He says he gets to decide if his reaction and shouting are appropriate because it’s coming from him!
and he thinks there’s business things I don’t understand because I think “differently” to him.

He says nothing directly suggesting the problem is that I am female but it’s a feeling I get from
his choice of words and condescending tone.

its borderline hilarious. I’m much more senior than him and I have solid career history at this level, with a much wider remit across different areas, so me not understanding “busines”
is a really silly thing to say.

OP posts:

HelplessSoul · 27/12/2024 15:41

@Eskimal "I reviewed things with him today in the hope of finding a way forward, and his position hasn’t changed: he says that I don’t get to decide the definition of inappropriate behaviour because he thinks getting angry is ok if he doesn’t like someone’s opinion. He says he gets to decide if his reaction and shouting are appropriate because it’s coming from him!"

You say you are senior and have a solid career history etc etc - so why havent you reprimanded him for this outlandish statement and put him on a disciplinary?

No manager would let a comment like that slide in any context. That is a classic example of insubordination and misconduct.

Many employers would sack someone for that - probably even less than that, and here you are letting him walk all over you.

DreadPirateRobots · 27/12/2024 15:42

So discipline him then.

Original poster

Eskimal · 27/12/2024 15:43

HelplessSoul · 27/12/2024 15:41

@Eskimal "I reviewed things with him today in the hope of finding a way forward, and his position hasn’t changed: he says that I don’t get to decide the definition of inappropriate behaviour because he thinks getting angry is ok if he doesn’t like someone’s opinion. He says he gets to decide if his reaction and shouting are appropriate because it’s coming from him!"

You say you are senior and have a solid career history etc etc - so why havent you reprimanded him for this outlandish statement and put him on a disciplinary?

No manager would let a comment like that slide in any context. That is a classic example of insubordination and misconduct.

Many employers would sack someone for that - probably even less than that, and here you are letting him walk all over you.

What makes you think I’m not doing anything about it?
I certainly am doing something about it.
i came here to see if anyone had any similar experience. I didn’t come here to have people like you make silly assumptions.

OP posts:

HelplessSoul · 27/12/2024 15:50

"What makes you think I’m not doing anything about it?
I certainly am doing something about it."

....because up until that post, you hadn't said anything 🙄

Praxoulla007 · 27/12/2024 15:52

Name changed here. Yes, I have had a similar experience and sorry but HR were not helpful at all. In fact, it got turned around as if I was bullying him which made me look like a complete cow to the rest of the team - it got out and was one of my worst experiences - ever. The rest of the team had no complaints but interviews with them got somehow out of hand. What I should have done was go to my boss and asked for his advice and my boss got his boss involved who is female. Seems so silly now that I didn't. The point was he had upset clients as well as our own team and that's where my boss and my boss's boss would have been sympathetic. I was very very lucky that I had a very supportive boss who albeit being based overseas got involved and got the HR nonsense against me to stop as clients then complained directly to him and to his boss and that wasn't on. My experiences of HR involvement have not been good (not only that experience but over 25 years ago also when I was a young intern) and I strongly think in my experience they just don't like me and have not been supportive at all.

FKAT · 27/12/2024 15:57

LadyLapsang · 27/12/2024 11:30

As he is your direct report, I’m presuming you are having regular KiTs. Do you understand why he is unhappy / angry? Do you know what else is going on in his life? When I was involved in a similar situation, the person had serious and worsening physical health problems, was a carer for an elderly parent, a DC was having issues in HE and it all got too much and he became depressed / anxious. Certainly he had to improve his behaviour - which he did - but he also needed support.

She's his manager. Not his mum. If he has a problem affecting his work, it's for him to raise that issue appropriately.

Agree with PPs, you need to start the disciplinary process and put in a performance improvement plan.

BoxOfCats · 28/12/2024 02:41

I have had to have similar conversations with a male direct report in my team. He expressed disagreement when I pulled him up on his behaviour and I simply had to reiterate that I disagreed, that in my opinion his behaviour was undermining other people in the team, and that it wasn't in keeping with our corporate values of respect and teamwork.

Batmanisaplaceinturkey · 28/12/2024 03:29

FKAT · 27/12/2024 15:57

She's his manager. Not his mum. If he has a problem affecting his work, it's for him to raise that issue appropriately.

Agree with PPs, you need to start the disciplinary process and put in a performance improvement plan.

Show quote history

A PIP isn't appropriate here. This isn't a capability issue, its misconduct. Disciplinary is the way to go.

RedHelenB · 28/12/2024 04:01

So he's said he thinks it's OK to shout and get angry in meetings. To which you tell him categorically that it's not and that if it happens again he'll receive a warning. Simple

lover99 · 31/12/2024 16:24

Your post is too vague for us to decide who is at fault

TinyMouseTheatre · 31/12/2024 20:38

How are you now @Eskimal?

Swiftie1878 · 31/12/2024 22:57

Eskimal · 27/12/2024 15:43

What makes you think I’m not doing anything about it?
I certainly am doing something about it.
i came here to see if anyone had any similar experience. I didn’t come here to have people like you make silly assumptions.

Show quote history

Sounds like you have it all sorted then! Well done x

Original poster

Eskimal · 01/01/2025 17:17

Swiftie1878 · 31/12/2024 22:57

Sounds like you have it all sorted then! Well done x

Show quote history

I asked for people to respond who may have gone through something similar. Hence why a post about me not doing anything was completely irrelevant.

OP posts:

Original poster

Eskimal · 01/01/2025 17:17

lover99 · 31/12/2024 16:24

Your post is too vague for us to decide who is at fault

It’s not about fault

OP posts:

Original poster

Eskimal · 01/01/2025 17:19

TinyMouseTheatre · 31/12/2024 20:38

How are you now @Eskimal?

Most people back at work on Monday. It’s an annoying time of year to make progress and resolve things. I have a review with my boss about what level of discipline to go for: verbal or written etc. whether HR need to be present when we do it etc

OP posts:

Bobbing46 · 01/01/2025 17:30

Eskimal · 27/12/2024 15:16

No. This is my first post on the issue. The meeting happened in mid November. There’s been lots of annual leave since then. I reviewed things with him today in the hope of finding a way forward, and his position hasn’t changed: he says that I don’t get to decide the definition of inappropriate behaviour because he thinks getting angry is ok if he doesn’t like someone’s opinion. He says he gets to decide if his reaction and shouting are appropriate because it’s coming from him!
and he thinks there’s business things I don’t understand because I think “differently” to him.

He says nothing directly suggesting the problem is that I am female but it’s a feeling I get from
his choice of words and condescending tone.

its borderline hilarious. I’m much more senior than him and I have solid career history at this level, with a much wider remit across different areas, so me not understanding “busines”
is a really silly thing to say.

Show quote history

His behaviour is inappropriate, unprofessional ans intimidating. As a manager I'd give him a written warning with a view to escalate if be continues and refuses to modify his behaviour. His colleagues don't go to work to be shouted at, intimidated and bullied.

Dutchandglory · 01/01/2025 17:31

@Eskimal been there. I’ve worked in male dominated industries my entire career and board at FTSE 100. Remove the fact he’s male from it and treat it as you would any other individual. Inappropriate behaviour, pull them up, if it continues, verbal warning and expectations moving forward (follow up conversation with an email), happens again PiP (keep HR in the loop, but don’t let them lead it).