My mouth always gets me Into trouble

[another79]

So just as the title says, I'm a very verbal person. I'm not bitchy or nasty & always try to be kind. However if somebody does me wrong I vent to whoever will listen to me. I have made the mistake numerous times of speaking to people who I think I can trust & they'll then repeat what I have said or even worse they'll exaggerate or twist my words. This has caused me problems in my family & work life. I would love to be a quiet person & keep things to myself but when I'm stressed I vent & then I feel better (until it comes back to haunt me). I am the type of person who will never repeat anything that has been said to me if I know it would get that person into trouble but unfortunately other than my dh I don't have anyone I can really trust.
So advice welcome please. Is there a way to stop being like this or is this just my personality?

I know I need to do better & I am trying but I need to get things off my chest, I'm not able to keep things to myself. I have always been this way.

You absolutely are able to keep things to yourself, of course you are!
As someone said up thread, either go directly to the person who has 'done you wrong' and have an adult conversation with them, or keep quiet.

Btw, what do you think the difference between venting and bitching is? Aren't they both talking badly about someone behind their back?

Our experience evidently differs.

To me bitching about someone is talking negatively about someone's appearance or relationship or body shaming them etc...

I don't think stating facts about something someone has done to me is bitching.

I do speak directly to people if I have a problem, they are reasonable people. The people I vent about are impossible people who you can't reason with, narcissistic, manipulative, controlling types.

Get a journal. Seriously. Don’t be unprofessional like that work. Don’t vent to colleagues. They're not your friends.

Narcissistic manipulative types...? What do you do for work? Really it's just a job I don't get how you're getting so wound up about a few crappy people.

I was friends with her before working together..

You need to learn who’s trustworthy

you need to manage your response to stress and stop sweating the small stuff

Thank you. I know.

Just don't say anything about anyone that you wouldn't also be prepared to say to their face (or have read out in court, etc). Things have a way of getting back to people, as you've seen.

I wholeheartedly agree with the suggestion of venting via a journal instead of telling colleagues - you can always just type it on your phone rather than handwriting it (although I do both as hand-writing gives me more time to process my thoughts and I find it easier to come up with my own solutions when I journal by hand).

I only ever say things I don't want repeated to people I know I can trust 100%. So pretty much dh, bf and dsis, that's it.

"Dont expect anyone to keep a secret you can't keep yourself" is a very apt saying.

The people I vent about are impossible people who you can't reason with, narcissistic, manipulative, controlling types

You are NOT venting

You are chatting about these people to others behind their backs

You are BITCHING

Fgs try to see yourself for who you actually are

If you don't like being a bitch, stop

You say 'vent' I'd say moan.

You are a moaner. It may be factually correct but you are still banging on about stuff which I would imagine you can't fix or change. So you bang on about it because you are frustrated. It's very dull for the listener though- (human I mean, I'm sure the cat is fine with it.)

Ill-advised to type anything into an internet based platform, be it ChatGPT or any other application. Therein madness lies.

I'm too trusting & my mouth seems to be faster than my brain which is the reason

use breathing techniques to calm down your 'monkey mind' which seems to go into overdrive and reactive mode. Every time you have the impulse to open your mouth to talk to someone, sit quietly first, deep breathing and actively think about the consequences of you disclosing something to a person to offload. Remember you can't unsay things or wind back once you've said it,

You'll need to practice this every time, it takes time to change behaviour from over-sharing, to being someone who can internalise frustrations and find other ways to make it dissolve away.

ultimately you're the only one who can choose to not use other people to vent. What you've obviously realised is that you'll get yourself in a lot of trouble and gain a very bad reputation for speaking out of turn. There's no magic formula, other than discipline of mind.

if you feel you cannot stop yourself from acting impulsively on a very regular basis, ADHD could be at play here, but it's impossible to do an internet diagnosis of you, it could be a sign though.

A few things strike me from this. Are you "stating facts" or are you stating your interpretation of events? I suspect it is the latter, because there are few situations involving communication with other people where "facts" can be stated. I also suspect that because there really aren't that many "narcissistic, manipulative, controlling types around". They do exist, but I have worked with people in my career for over 40 years and I think I have met three in all that time. No-one I have met has ever commented that this is a big problem in their lives. So either you are incredibly unlucky with the people you know, or the problem isn't them, and you "stating facts" is your critical and negative perception of other people. Which is very draining to listen to over time, and people will get fed up with.

You’ve repeatedly written that you can’t stop yourself, so you’ve got a couple of alternatives.

1. Reframe your thinking and realise that actually you can stop yourself - you’re choosing to say those things so it is within your power to learn to bite back your frustrations and keep them to yourself/your husband.
2. choose your vent person more carefully- eg never vent about work situations to other work people, surely you have other friends who don’t work with you or know your colleague?

I agree with PP that venting/moaning/bitching/whatever are all basically the same behaviour but I do understand that it’s a common and sometimes necessary part of life. I’ve certainly worked with a person who - if I hadn’t been able to vent about her to non work friends - I don’t know how I’d have stayed sane. No point pretending this behaviour is better than other people having a moan though!

I was also going to suggest getting your work frustrations out in some other way if they feel overwhelming - take up running or a martial art where you can hit someone?!

Venting is just another euphemism for bitching. There's no difference and you need to recognise that.

You are also being very indiscreet. You ARE bitching, and you are not even being remotely careful that it could not get back to the person you are bitching about. If you must "vent" about stuff from the office (we all need to let of steam sometimes) then do it with someone who doesn't work there and won't come across your colleagues.

Of course you can control yourself. You are a grown arse woman.

In hindsight I shouldn't have posted this under the Work topic.

It was a work situation that had prompted me to post this thread initially but it's life in general that I have this problem in. I take on board that talking behind someone's back is bitching whether it's nasty or stating facts so I'm going to stop it.

On reflection it seems to be controlling people that I have an issue with. I have dealt with a lot of emotional abuse from controlling family members so these issues may be a factor as to why I'm so emotionally reactive to things that cause me stress. I know I need therapy to deal with some of these issues.

I have been working with a highly manipulative personality at work who EVERYBODY had an issue with so I know I'm not the issue in this situation. Constant nitpicking, micromanaging, gaslighting & causing confusion are some of the things this person does on a daly basis. They are impossible to deal with. For some reason they are protected by HR & nobody knows why. Everybody sympathises with me for being the poor unfortunate sod who has to work with them so it's easy to trust people & "bitch" about it when you feel people are on your side.

I'll be less trusting with my friend in future as there seems to be a few red flags & I might post a separate thread about that sometime. But for now I will not be so forthcoming with my complaining to her as I've realised she thrives on drama & gossip.

Lesson learned. Thank you all for the helpful advice..I'll work on my oversharing & try to control my mouth in future.