My mouth always gets me Into trouble

[another79]

So just as the title says, I'm a very verbal person. I'm not bitchy or nasty & always try to be kind. However if somebody does me wrong I vent to whoever will listen to me. I have made the mistake numerous times of speaking to people who I think I can trust & they'll then repeat what I have said or even worse they'll exaggerate or twist my words. This has caused me problems in my family & work life. I would love to be a quiet person & keep things to myself but when I'm stressed I vent & then I feel better (until it comes back to haunt me). I am the type of person who will never repeat anything that has been said to me if I know it would get that person into trouble but unfortunately other than my dh I don't have anyone I can really trust.
So advice welcome please. Is there a way to stop being like this or is this just my personality?

However if somebody does me wrong I vent to whoever will listen to me.

This is work, not a spaghetti western.

I'm not able to keep things to myself. I have always been this way.

Oh grow up, most people past puberty learn how to self regulate to make work life smoother and easier. Yes you're bitching.

You've had lots of suggestions. Use whichever works best for you.

If you're saying things about someone behind their back that would damage your own reputation should they hear it, you are, by definition, bitching. Stop it.

You need to stop venting, it is exhausting to listen to, will put people off you in time, and is going to get you in trouble. You seem to think that venting is an okay thing to go. I think you need to reframe it in your mind as something that is tedious and draining for other people to listen to. If you accept that this is not an okay thing to do to other people, then you may be able to put in a boundary for yourself with doing it, and find other ways to express stress. That can be exercise, journalling, chatgpt, whatever works for you. But your need to vent does not top other people's need to not listen to streams of negative complaining from you. Stop that now.

Who is ‘doing you wrong’ such that you need to mouth off numerous times? Could you work on improving relationships/communications with people so that it doesn’t keep getting to this stage?

I think you need to go further back. Why do so many things bother you to the extent that you need to "vent" about them. Venting is pretty unproductive. When we tell negative stories about other people we get a wee hit of a dopamine which is lovely. It encourages us to do it again and again. Our narrative then becomes more and more entrenched. As the dopamine hits wear off we seek more and more drama. Our brains start to tell us that things are problems when they are really not and we become more and more reactive.

I actually think a good CBT practitioner could help you to examine what the triggers are (what you get upset about, when, where, why?) and how you can process these events in your own head (am I 100% sure there was a negative intention here) and then how to deal with them effectively (addressing them directly in a way that won't have you lying awake at 2am worrying that you've escalated something).

Also a bit off field but start to look at stoicism as a daily practice. It's basically about not sweating the small stuff, putting things into perspective and becoming more resilient. Darren Brown's Happy (think that's what it's called) is a good, interesting introduction to some of the concepts.

You're not a bitch OP. You're just coping with your emotions in an unproductive way because you have yet to learn better ways. It's absolutely not too late though.

@another79 put up and shut up and if you can't find work elsewhere.

You sound aggressive rather than assertive. I wonder if you bring the mood down.

It's good you are reflecting, it's the first step towards change but I suspect you do need to change. If people continually encounter the same issues, the key issue tends to lie with them.

Reread your post and then consider whether you are in a position to speak to OP like that.

You obviously don't learn from your mistakes do you?

There’s no difference for the people you’re ’venting’ to. You may understand bitching as different to venting, but to your hearer, it’s just a shedload of indiscreet negativity about other people. Like I said, if you’re such a verbal person, use your words to negotiate civilly with whoever is being difficult, which will let you chance the situation for the better, rather than saving your words to ‘vent’, which is useless in terms of changing anything.

I advise you to do a non-violent communication / conflict resolution / assertiveness training. In also like the book "civilised assertiveness for women". These will teach you to deal with conflicts in a constructive manner.
As a PP said, try to control your stress; exercise, meditate, etc... so that when you debrief a conflict situation with someone you are more appeased and less likely to say nasty things.
Last but not least, if none of these are enough and your emothions still get the better of you, therapy or counselling could help you.

Read more. Give your self time before you say anything, Ask questions? I have an older and wiser friend that I can vent to. ( as my parents are late)

I'm not bitching, I'm venting. There is a difference.

Yes its one of those irregular verbs isn't it?

I vent about third parties in a fully justified fashion
You bitch about people
They are being sued for slander.

If you are an adult you need to practice keeping your mouth closed and turn it into a habit. Write it down, count to ten, practice stoicism but as an adult this is basic self management (not to mention manners).

I'd reevaluate the friendship tbh. You are playing by different rules and they are working in her favour rather than yours. If you need to vent, then find someone else. If you don't trust anyone else at work (and frankly if you're new then you shouldn't ) then use a friend or as someone else suggested chatgpt.

Oh dear - she might be an old friend but it sounds like you have moved from being a friend to a junior colleague and she’s someone who’s a bit shit towards junior colleagues.

time to review - is it bad enough to have to start looking for a new job? If not, then you need to reassess this “friend” - do not confront her. But not more venting to anyone you work with. No matter how nice or however much you like them. You need to be annoyingly cheerful to your “friend”. Nod and make sympathetic noises when she bitches - sorry vents- about senior people, but add no comment.

learn to think things without saying them.

I consider it unprofessional to be 'venting' at work, I see it as part of my job to keep a lid on it until I get home and can speak to someone outside work (DH, best friend, brother etc) if I really need to.

Tbh it sounds all a bit immature and teenagery to be getting so het up about people 'doing you wrong' at work.

I think you just need to button it and keep your opinions to yourself.

And be more careful about who you trust.

The people I thought I could trust are people I should be able to trust. Family & friends etc...people who I am loyal to & would never break their trust.

When I say I'm very verbal I mean that I'm the person who has to fill the empty silence, I talk when I'm nervous rather than keep quiet. I always empathise with someone if they are down & the first person to compliment someone on a new haircut or nice clothes. I don't gossip about people's relationships or anything personal.

When I say someone "has done me wrong" I'm referring to someone continuously doing something that is provoking reactions from me & causing me stress. Things that are out of the ordinary, not everyday stuff. These are the things I vent about. I don't vent in work, I vent to a friend who works in the same company who also vents to me. This was happening outside of work & I have stopped it since realising I can't trust her anymore.
I'm too trusting & my mouth seems to be faster than my brain which is the reason I'm looking for advice.

I used to keep a diary when I was a child & stopped because I found out my mother was reading it. I used to love writing in it every night.

Thanks for all the advice. I will look into some of your suggestions 🌺

Not necessarily true. It annoys me that people always trot out this supposed truism. I count my colleagues as extremely good friends and trust them implicitly.