Do I stay or do I go? Work stress or meno.

[Cauliflowercheeses]

Hi all

hopefully I can get some alternative views on this as i am driving myself insane.

have worked in the same private family run firm for 10+ years. Business was bought out a year ago and I continued with the new Dirs. they pushed me from three days per week to four and that is slowly creeping up.

I get a reasonable salary, equivalent to around £20 per hour.

the problem is that the mental load is killing me. I’m not sleeping, stressed all the time, feel sick on a Sunday. Currently crying about the thought of the week ahead.

i have tried raising it with Directors and they let me recruit a junior (part time) but before she was even trained to support me, which takes a huge amount of my working day, they have announced they are merging us with another company they own and letting all their staff go.

when I try and tell them we can’t take on that amount of work I simply get ‘yes you can, your systems are amazing and you have extra help how etc’

I am so behind and there is work piling up on me everywhere. I can’t even take the time to train my new junior as it slows me down so it’s defeating the whole object of having her. Am I a terrible manager??

im on the verge of quitting. I’ve never taken a day sick in my life but right now I’m also battling HRT issues and need some perspective.

any suggestions of how to deal with this? Ideally I wish I’d have been made redundant and they kept one of the staff from the sister company but when I suggested this they said I’m too good. I can basically do everything in the business and am very good. I realise I have bargaining power but I’m just not confident enough to use it.

to add insult to injury I have been working more than my contracted 32 hours a week by going in early and staying late most days as well as dealing with emails on my day off. and Friday the Dir let everyone go home an hour early. I knew I couldn’t as I was so behind, so I stayed an hour later. This is the reward i get for my hard work.

is it a ‘me problem’??

Not sure 🤔 have covered anything but would love some suggestions please. I’m honestly not a career girl and just like a quiet life but know the grass isn’t greener. If I went elsewhere I’d have to work full time probably for less hours and at least o know I’m good at this job. Maybe I’ve just been here too long and can’t see anything else?

I feel trapped and on the edge of a breakdown over this.

thanks in advance x

You ARE good at your job. But the job has become full time and you’re trying to do it in four days (when really you want to work three).

Train the junior. Not spending time with her is false economy as it will never bring you the support otherwise.

Do you have a line manager (I know things are often less formal in family run businesses.) Objectives?

You need to sit down with manager / the appropriate senior person and clearly lay out what you can achieve in your working hours. Divide the tasks in a suitable way between you and the junior. That doesn’t mean you pick up all the slack; make sure you’re doing the harder stuff and she’s doing the easier / repetitive stuff as befits her level.

And then stop. Stop doing hours you are not paid to do. Leave on time.

I promise you, they do not need to solve this problem BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALREADY SOLVED IT FOR THEM by working all the extra.

I have been there trying to keep doing more and more, and the burn-out made me ill. I stood up from my desk, walked out, got signed off for two months and never went back. I promised myself I will never let a job make me feel that way again.

I think .. maybe go to the doctor and get signed off for a couple/a few weeks as it seems to me you need time and space to think clearly. I've been in your position. You are overwhelmed. I did extra (unpaid) overtime for years thinking I was being a good, loyal employee. Looking back, they took me for granted and were more congenial to the staff who weren't a doormat. I wish you well

Yes. Very succinctly put. This is what I’m thinking but I’m scared of the unknown. I still have a mortgage and loans to pay off and teenage kids. I’m just so scared and trapped. Thank you for taking the time to reply. You are correct.

I’m even tempted to offer to go full time. I’m doing that many hours anyway so I might as well get pay consummate with the hours. But then they’ve won. They wanted me full time and I feel like they’ve already got their way.

I do need to train the junior as she is often not very busy whilst I’m nearly wetting myself as I haven’t been to the toilet. But then she isn’t paid very much at all but I guess yes, I need to give her all the medial stuff. I need to rewind and use her properly. Thank you.

what you describe is what I should do really. If I was listening to anyone else telling me this I’d be saying that mental health and relationships are way more important. But I still have to eat and if i took a less stressful, lower paid job I’d then probably be bored and broke.

I genuinely think the issue is me and boundaries.

Thank you for responding.

You’re welcome, @Cauliflowercheeses. I know too well it is much easier said than done! You are trying to balance your boundaries with your own professional pride at getting a good job done. Everyone has a limit, though. Good luck.

Some possible solutions instead of quitting immediately:

First, take a week off. Immediately. Self-certify from stress. You need to get their attention that you truly are at breaking point.

Next, formulate plan of attack. Say you don’t have time to train the junior in a 4-day week and for X weeks you will need to work full time and be paid appropriately for that. As a PP says, divide up the job and get the junior up to speed on lower level tasks working independently.

Finally, look for a new job. These directors aren’t valuing you how they should. I strongly suspect you’ve got contacts if you put the word out you’re looking. Don’t be afraid. Sometimes it’s time for a new challenge.

I am very tempted to have a couple of weeks off and clear my head but i know I would never be able to go back. It would be chaos. There is literally nobody to do my job and I do things they don’t even know about. After two weeks the stress (right before Christmas) would be ridiculous and honestly, I wouldn’t be going back at all.

i have tried talking to them and all I get is lip service and telling me how exciting this is. It’s not exciting. I’m drained.

thank you for your time.

That's what I thought until I broke and had to take time off. It would've been a lot less time if I'd been kind to myself and took a couple/few weeks off when I should have. I only know this in retrospect. I wish you well in deciding what to do

That does sound like a less dramatic plan than flouncing. But I wonder if I tell them I’m looking for another job. Would be just my luck if I found another job and then they offered to pay me more or reduce the hours/get more support.

im a total doormat and people pleaser so tbh they don’t even really know how bad I am.

I lay awake very night even thinking that if someone died I’d have to have a few days off or almost wishing I had an accident so that I could have a break without letting anyone down. These horrible intrusive thoughts really scare me.

Thank you for your time. It is all helpful advice and this is exactly what I want/need: perspective from outside.

I’m so sorry and thanks for sharing. Are you happier now? Did you find a happy job?

You sound at the end of your rope and no wonder. It's very difficult to do in real life but you really must put boundaries in place. Nothing will change if you don't.

You mention not being able to take time off but if that is true (and it rarely actually is, just the companies make you feel like you're indispensable) then your company has a key person dependency and that's a huge risk for them that they really should be resolving. Note - the directors / your manager, not you!

Honestly you could use the headspace... if life threw you or your family a curve ball with physical illness, an accident or something worse you would be forced to. Please don't wait until that happens to make the changes you need. You're worth more.

Wishing you luck

You're not trapped, that's your overwhelm talking.

It's just a job. There are others out there. Get looking and tart up your CV!

But I wonder if I tell them I’m looking for another job. Would be just my luck if I found another job and then they offered to pay me more or reduce the hours/get more support.

No, @Cauliflowercheeses, don’t tell them. Only play that card when you hold the whole deck, ie you have already found another job.

They probably would counter offer more money. But it sounds as though you want a better work-life balance and less stress- not to be paid for the stress you are under!

If they agreed to reduce hours, and you could stick to those hours, that might be a good outcome for you.

You would have the choice - accept a new job or turn it down and stay. I suspect your inner people-pleaser would feel hugely guilty at turning it down but your priorities are all wrong there; it’s about being in control and making the right choice for you, not some employer who will wring as much from you as they can (and they all do, to some extent!).

I went back after having months off because I ended up quite unwell because I didn't take time off when I realised I was not feeling well in the first place. I recognise the feeling you "want something to happen" so you feel "allowed" to be off. That's how I felt. It's why I ended up quite unwell. But you don't actually need an external event to occur to prioritise your own health. After a while being back at work, I dropped my hours to 3 days a week. I retired when I became unwell again many years later due to a combination of things including my father's advanced dementia during covid. If you could go and tell your GP how you feel and be honest with them, that was the starting point where I got help to recover. Good luck

Whatever you do, don't flounce. The company you work for has been taking advantage of your commitment and conscientiousness with no thought for your wellbeing. If you flounce you are effectively letting them off the hook for that.

You're not well. Go to the doctor and get signed off and ensure that when you get the note it does reference work related stress. Don't try and go back to work. Sit back and see what they do next. Hopefully you'll be on full pay for a while?

It may be that they start disciplinary proceedings when you hit a threshold on sick leave but just go along with whatever they want, ie, meet with HR, meet with occupational health, etc, and continue to stress that you are not fit to return to work.

Either they make a lot of changes regarding the role (unlikely), or they decide to get rid of you. If they decide to get rid of you, the process will take a while and during that time, hopefully, you will be getting paid. Or they may decide to pay you off.

Whichever, consider it compensation for all the hours you've worked unpaid - much better than flouncing. Start putting feelers out for a new job when you feel able.

Please don't keep making yourself ill just to make life easier for people who really don't care about you. Good luck.

Exactly this

I know you are right. It’s only a job and I am sure if I dropped dead they’d manage!

im so sorry and thanks for sharing your experiences. I think sometimes women are our own worst enemies trying to look after everyone and putting ourselves last. I hope that you are stronger and happier and finding enjoyment in your well-earned retirement!

Sadly I’m only entitled to two weeks sick pay and I am HR and payroll so there’s nobody to pay me anyway!

you are right though I do need to start looking and walk away with my head held high not fade out.

thanks!

Do you mean 2 weeks company sick pay at full pay, because you'll get statutory sick pay payable by the employer for longer than that and it's a legal right (in the UK - I was assuming you are in UK but maybe you aren't?)

Yes, sorry. I am in uk and I get two weeks sick pay on the company and i couldn’t live on SSP. Hence id have two weeks off but be dreading going back so totally not worth it. I’d be more stressed and showed under than ever when I went back right before Christmas.

it’s defo a me problem. Reading all these kind replies I am seeing that I need to put barriers in and start looking for an alternative job.

Guess I’m gutted as I was holding out for redundancy but they’ll never let me go!! I’m just too good/doormattish 🤦‍♀️

If you don't have savings, you may well qualify for UC on top of the SSP. Maybe it would be an idea to take the 2 weeks off, clear your head and investigate your options. You just seem overwhelmed. It is not a "you" problem. It's that you are overloaded atm and are struggling to see the way forward. Some Councils have a "money" adviser to check your entitlement. There is also Turn2us online. There is also Citizens Advice. Don't discount asking your bank for help/breathing space. They all have specialist depts for people reporting financial distress (I worked in one)

I don’t have much advice except I realised this week what kind of manager my boss really is, I had to take time off to look after my son who was too I’ll for school, but her default was you must work from home with the laptop at the same time, it put extra pressure on me as she made me feel bad for not being able to do all my usual tasks. When I returned to normal routine in the office she berated me for not keeping all my work tasks done in her the target times. I have decided now to do the minimum. My point is any job is not worth your health suffering. Decide yourself to make sure you only work your paid hours take all the breaks you are entitled to.

This. I think it's called "quiet quitting".