The old 'having it all' conundrum- how do others do it?!

[mogernator]

I have two primary DS (one soon to be secondary). My DH works long hours in a stressful job but generally it is actually quite flexible that he can make sports days etc and work later and he can work from home a bit. But he's a corporate lawyer so it's intense work.

Anyway a big deal job has come up for me. I am amazed I've not only got an interview I've gone through to the second round.

The problem is it's minimum 4 days a week, plus regular evening events and travel every other month. Journalism.

I can't make it work can I without major guilt and stress?! Ideally I would love 2-3 days and for the role to be slightly less responsibility.

Do I go for it or carry on building my freelance profile which is flexible but way harder to get work from.

What do other people do? Nanny I guess?

I am privileged in this is a role I would love to do and really doesn't come up often (though I do feel under qualified for to be honest right now) it's not about needing to make ends meet.

But then would I also feel I'm putting work above kids. I barely feel like I'm coping right now. We are mid house renovation (though this will end at some point!) I have an elderly mother I regularly need to see and help and DH is not really that available to pick up the slack anywhere.

Having it all sometimes means doing it all and spinning multiple plates such as full time work ,young DCs and elderly children could be a recipe for stress and burnout. Perhaps ask if there is any flexibility in the new role for reduced hours?

I work in an international role and my husband is very senior at work. I'm away at least two nights a month. But I love my job so much. I sometimes feel guilty but reassure myself that life is for living and that my children have two good role models and my daughters see that women can have important careers. We have an excellent childminder and a cleaner and accept there will be chaos at times. Shared family calendar is essential!! If it is your dream go for it. It is possible to have a good career and be a good mother.

Does your dh feel guilty for having a big job? I would go for it. If it doesn’t work out presumably you can become freelance again in the future?

Is your DH ‘putting his work above the children’?

It would be a huge sacrifice not to go for it. I would say you are heading for the end of the burnout years and this might be good for everyone. Talk to DH, think about how you can jointly provide stability and best options. Depends a bit on your DC personalities too.

Sounds like the kids are getting older now and will soon be out with friends more than wanting to hang out with mum n dad. I would get a nanny or house keeper personally if you could afford it so the mundane stuff is taken care of and you will all still get family time. In reality who wants to work all them hours to come home to the housework etc. you want free time to be fun with the kids.

I think the important thing is that there is someone there. So back when I worked ft with kids I relied on a childminder and my husband’s job was more flexible.

You mentioned a nanny. You can make it work with support but not on your own.

I'd give it a go, if you're freelance already you can fall back on that if it doesn't work out? I always find the worry is worse than the reality and when you're then in the situation, you just make it work. I've also found that employers are flexible when they really want you, so they won't sack you if you can't make every visit away.

Try it. If it doesn’t work out, you can stop.

It’s natural to feel some nerves and impostor syndrome when going for a new job- if it was all inside your comfort zone in week 1 you’d be bored by week 3.

I think it depends on what you both want family life day to day to be like,or what are you happy to accept in order for you both to work at that level. What people can manage and cope with is different and priorities are different. But generally you can't have it all without a squeeze and pressure somewhere. That's just logistics apart from anything else.

How we do it: 50-50 school runs, that’s non negotiable. After school club til 6pm 3 days per week. Breakfast club if we need it. And both of us doing our jobs a bit differently than we did pre kids. I work in a job a bit like your husband’s and I don’t work the hours I used to (still full time). I bet he can make changes if he wants to.

The problem is it's minimum 4 days a week, plus regular evening events and travel every other month. Journalism

You absolutely CAN make it work. You'll probably have to throw money at it (nanny/aupair/child minder/baby sitter/cleaner)

Depends what "it all" means for you.

It doesn't matter what it means for anyone else.

I say go for it. Timing will never “be right” and honestly once kids leave primary it all gets easier to juggle from a logistics perspective. And if you can afford it throw money at it - cleaner, childcare, Hello Fresh - whatever is needed.

I have a demanding job with similar travel and love it - I feel energised and alive in a very different way to the energy I get from being a mum. No man ever (despite what they may say) has ever felt guilt at combining work with family. You don’t have to either.

I think key to it is earning enough that someone else is being paid to do some of the routine, nannies, childminders, cleaners (maybe even grand parents). Easier as the children get older DH would let himself in after school, make a sandwich and cup of tea then do his homework. Both his parents were at the time working but not in 'high powered' jobs. His mum worked part time until she felt he was responsible enough to belong his own (he was still at primary school though and made his own way there and back)

Go for the job, any reason why husband cant do 4 days a week other than corporate culture?

If you want to give it a go, I'd say buy in help. DB and his wife both have v snr jobs with international travel and have a cleaner and a FT local nanny (even though kids are in school) who will do lates and overnights if needed and tidy up after the kids. Food shop is done online and delivered, I think they send ironing out as well.

They all seem quite happily including the kids!

I’d say go for it! You have nothing to lose by trying it - if it doesn’t work you can stop.

I posted a thread on here worrying that I wasn’t seeing my kids enough (lawyer). I work 5 days a week. DH works 4.5 days but one day is Saturday (he is self-employed/freelance) so he can pick the kids up from school 2-3 days a week, we have a nanny 2 days a week, and if DH isn’t around on Fridays I can usually make it work as I wfh. Ours are much smaller (4 in preschool, 6 in year 2) but it’s already getting so much easier. The overwhelming advice I got was to keep going.

Whilst I think 4 days would be the perfect balance for me, it’s not really possible in my career and I’ve made peace with that. The upside is flexibility to work in the evenings so I can attend school stuff during the day whenever I need to. We have an amazing cleaner and are really well organised with stuff like online shops and laundry.

The new job sounds really exciting for you - good luck!

Given the ages of your kids, and assuming they are reasonably straightforward kids (no SN or major health issues) then I think now is actually a good time to do this.

As PP says they will be getting more independent. School runs will diminish, secondary age kids take themselves to and from school mainly. They can pack their own bags, do homework unsupervised etc.

Yes there is still a lot of emotional support needed but that comes later on in the day not at 3.30pm.

I do think you need to expect your DH to step up more. Don’t accept he can’t do much. Plenty of (female) corporate lawyers manage to drop the kids off in the morning (lawyers start late!), book the kids’ dental appointments, order more uniforms, amend the supermarket order etc, between meetings or on the train home. You will still bear the brunt but your DH can and should take some of the load. (Speaking as an ex corporate lawyer here).

Good luck - it sounds exciting

I had a nanny for a while - both of us had jobs with international travel, long hours etc - and to be honest, it was brutal. I gave up my career after my fourth child when I felt that none of the plates I was spinning were stable....and my eldest child kept asking why everyone else's parent picked them up and they had a nanny.

I haven't regretted it for a second, until this year when DH has been made redundant and I am only earning a third of what my FT salary was 15 yrs ago....!

In your situation, why not try it, and as you have strong freelance experience, fall back on that if it is too much. I probably would have stuck at it with 2 children...4 is a different dynamic 😁

You go for it by going for it.

I'm a full time lawyer, and my husband has an executive level job. We have 3 kids at school and day care.

The life admin is always up in the air, the house fairly messy, we're texting to coordinate bits and bobs all day- BUT in the evening we focus on playing and talking with the kids, we have wonderful family holidays, the weekends are totally family focused.

We have a cleaner once a fortnight and my MIL looks after our youngest once a week.

It's go go go, but I tend to think, make your decisions with confidence and then own them. I chose to have a bunch of kids while also having a demanding career, so it's on me to put the maximum effort in making them know that ultimately they are the priority and my time with them is what I care about the most.

It can be done but you need buy in and commitment from your DH. He will have to pick up some of the DC tasks. Both me and DH have senior jobs, he works full time and I work 4 days a week. We both parent equally, both do pick ups and drop offs, DH does everything when I travel for work and vice versa, we split the DC sick days. He recognizes that my job is equally important and if he didn’t pull his weight I couldn’t do it.

Totally this. Kids don’t miss their parents when they are in school and men don’t have the same guilt.

Ive been there and can add on no family around to help. Nanny was the solution.

I didn’t feel guilty about showing my kids I was a strong Independant hard working mom who was doing a job she was good at and loved. Yeah blummin hard but please don’t feel guilty. Kids remember if they are loved, happy and secure not if you were there ever second of every day.

4 days a week is perfectly doable; how often are the evening events and travel? I work 4 days in a stressful job and DH works long hours; time as a family is what suffers but each of us gets a good amount of time with the kids it’s just not always altogether

I'd go for it. Outsource as much non-parenting as possible (cleaning/laundry/food deliveries)

Ultimately it's building your career for the future. When your kids are teens/adults you will have wished you did. It's also a great model to your kids of chasing your dreams and balancing a healthy family home.