The old 'having it all' conundrum- how do others do it?!

[mogernator]

I have two primary DS (one soon to be secondary). My DH works long hours in a stressful job but generally it is actually quite flexible that he can make sports days etc and work later and he can work from home a bit. But he's a corporate lawyer so it's intense work.

Anyway a big deal job has come up for me. I am amazed I've not only got an interview I've gone through to the second round.

The problem is it's minimum 4 days a week, plus regular evening events and travel every other month. Journalism.

I can't make it work can I without major guilt and stress?! Ideally I would love 2-3 days and for the role to be slightly less responsibility.

Do I go for it or carry on building my freelance profile which is flexible but way harder to get work from.

What do other people do? Nanny I guess?

I am privileged in this is a role I would love to do and really doesn't come up often (though I do feel under qualified for to be honest right now) it's not about needing to make ends meet.

But then would I also feel I'm putting work above kids. I barely feel like I'm coping right now. We are mid house renovation (though this will end at some point!) I have an elderly mother I regularly need to see and help and DH is not really that available to pick up the slack anywhere.

The short answer is that your DH will need to step up and do more.

Senior women tend to exploit every bit of flexibility their seniority affords them so they can do school runs and nursery pickups. Senior men tend to have Big Important Man Jobs that can't possibly be flexed.

My best friend is a big shot lawyer, a partner in a big firm. She does loads of school drop offs and pickups, and loads of WFH. I don't know how she does it tbh, I don't think she sleeps, but she does it. As does her husband in a similar role.

I think you'll regret it if you don't go for it, but you need a big talk with your DH about what he can take on (mental load as well as physical child ferrying).

I have a different perspective to the majority posting. I am a City lawyer and was forced to reappraise when I realised one of my children had SEN. With hindsight, I am grateful that circumstances required me to reconsider and get off the hamster wheel. I realised that my children needed me and my time more than anything (more than more money/an abstract career “role model”) and also that I personally found it more satisfying than any amount of career success. So I took a step back in my job as a result (part time; a support role at the same firm) and do not regret it.

On a personal level, I have lost status and earning power but in exchange I have had more time to support/be involved with/be present for my family. That has turned out to be more important for me, and I think for them.

Yes thanks everyone food for thought. Ultimately I think it's more the increase in responsibility and the need to do evening events that's making me unsure. That and yes would I feel like I'm massively back on the hamster wheel. It's really really hard getting the balance right between work and family. And yes am aware my DH probably doesn't feel like this. It may all be irrelevant anyway as I don't have it yet! But perhaps I should at least try for the second interview.

I also work in media, husband worked long hours too, I managed by outsourcing …nanny, cleaner, dog walker … but I was earning a decent salary that helped give us a good quality of life (private school, decent holidays) … as I head towards retirement I am so glad I stayed on hamster wheel as I have a very good pension and - fingers crossed I don’t suffer health problems before then - hope to retire by my late 50s … my sons grew up respecting that men and women can have equal careers … good luck with second round interview!

I wouldn’t. Been there, done that, and I left again to return to freelance. It was a massive relief, not just for my relationship with my kids but for me.

Incidentally, when I relaunched my freelance career it really took off and I now earn almost twice what I was earning in the ‘big job’. And I am in charge of my own life again.

I think ‘busy-ness creep’ is a thing. You add and add and then before you know it you’re absolutely mentally and physically exhausted and on a treadmill you can’t get off. Just read so many of the posts on this forum by women who have ended up in this position.

If you already feel stretched then I would be hesitant.

It’s not what life is supposed to be like.

Edited to add: don’t underestimate how much teenagers need you.

Men don't think like this! It is achievable but you'll need to be highly organised, throw some money at the problem and your DH will need to be involved as well for sure. If this is a rare opportunity don't miss it. My tips:

You need excellent childcare and back up plans
Plan meals & order food online
Have a cleaner who will also do housekeeping so washing, ironing whatever
Pay everything online by dd, you probably already do
Share calendars, DH needs to do some stuff as well

I think you should go for it, it's not putting work above kids, it's doing something you love and are good at! In 15 years time they may have moved out and you'll be so pleased you kept your career intact, I promise you it's fab having an empty nest and a great job.

FWIW we both have well paid, hard, full time jobs and kids and we made it work. My daughter says I've been a good role model.

At a similar point I have accelerated my career, but it has worked because DH stepped up, and because the seniority I now have means that I have vastly more autonomy to be present at home when I need to. I enjoy work travel, and I love that my kids know I am a high achiever, as well as one of their two loving parents who will always catch them if they need it.
There’s a huge difference between different industries, I think. I suspect one with lots of presenteeism and overt managerial pressure I might feel different.

We did it ,DH and I , by sharing all the work of DC ,housework etc equally
No big man job here

If one is almost in secondary school and the other you don’t mention the age so I assume primary and not a toddler, I don’t really see why you’re limited to doing 2/3 days rather than 4?
Surely they are at school most of the day anyway? Why would you need an additional 2 days at home while they’re in school in order to feel like you’re putting them first?

I always think of this....