Is asking to move desks at work a bad move?

[Lilly1102]

I’ve worked at my company for 2 & a half years. I am 25 and I sit with three other 30 year old ish women.

one of said colleagues, I work directly with and sit next to her. Throughout my 2 yrs I’ve always thought we get on really well -in the sense that we always chat and laugh about stuff & chat about non-related work things.

when I first joined I noticed her and the other 30 year old go out for lunch, drinks after work etc and they would often have inside jokes. I’m well aware that people have their work besties so I just assumed that was the case!

However, I became more anxious when the other girls that sit near us started going to these lunches / cocktails and I was the only person that wasn’t. I was always anxious about it and then tried to move on.

it reached a peak back in April where it really started to affect my mental health. I would worry if I was too ugly, not cool enough or maybe I was bad at my job! It came so severe that I’d leave work early and cry my eyes out. My family advised that I should bring it to my colleagues attentions and ask if I’d ever done something to upset them / mention that I’d love to join these things.

The girl I sit next to said I’d done absolutely nothing wrong but came up with some excuse that they ‘bitch about work’ so didn’t want to tarnish my views of the office?!? She also said that it’s all in my head and that it’s only happened once (re drinks) and suggested I see a therapist!! Now, I know this might’ve come across more rude than she intended but I spoke to my boss and she was also aware that these girls did lots of stuff more than once so I was relieved to know it wasn’t all in my head.

After that it was very awkward (I regret ever saying anything because deep down I knew they would still do it - just more secretively) which was the case.

6 months later, my colleague isn’t coming into the office because of severe depression and said she overthinks stuff now because I mentioned it! It wasn’t a direct blame but now I’m really anxious I’ve upset her or caused her to have a mental health issue. She also told me not to tell any of the other girls in the office (not that I would) but I found that strange because she is closer with them (the ones she goes for drinks with etc & invited them to her wedding) so it did make me wonder whether it was even true because why the heck would she tell me and not them.

one of the other girls who sits on our desk - is always SO blunt to me. She never said morning etc, she is rather rude over email and demanding (she isn’t my boss) and this is who the girl I sit next to’s best friend.

I also just don’t think they like me. Even though we get on etc, I always go out my way to make everyone feel seen and liked. Whenever I pop out to lunch I always ask if she wants anything and sometimes she’s said yes. I’ve always bought it and never asked for anything back (because it’s £2). She sometimes asks if I want anything and I always so no because I never particularly do but one time I did ask she asked me to transfer her 1.50 and I thought that was strange given I’ve bought her coffees etc etc.

I’m sure I sound rather ridiculous on here but there’s a whole string of instances that make me feel not liked and the only person that knows is me!

i either need to leave my job (but it pays very well and I probably need to stay there so I can save to start up my own business) or move desks to where some nice ladies sit (who are 60) at the other end of the office.

If I move desks it will create more anxiety and drama but at least I won’t feel awkward when they all have their inside jokes and talking about where they went for dinner etc

i know people will tell me to man up - I have always been so sensitive and I don’t think I’m being irrational. I really am left out here and not liked for whatever reason.

but the money is good - I’m mindful they me and my partner will get engaged soon and I’ll need to start a pot for that.

Boyfriend hates to see me like this and would happily see me leave and take a minimum wage job if I was happier. It’s so hard!

Why does it matter if you’re left out? They’re colleagues, not your best mates? I think asking one of the women if you had done something wrong was a little bizarre. What happens if you move to another desk and those colleagues also go out without you?

I get along very well with a handful of my colleagues but I know they go out for drinks and do stuff without me. So what? I genuinely do not expected to be invited to things because we make a few jokes together in the office.

I think considering leaving a well paying job for this is slightly insane! I don’t have any practical advice as I can’t quite understand the feeling but I’m sure someone will be along soon

Now, I know this might’ve come across more rude than she intended but I spoke to my boss and she was also aware that these girls did lots of stuff more than once so I was relieved to know it wasn’t all in my head.

Since you've spoken to your boss before, can't you have another chat with your boss about the possibility of a desk reshuffle? Perhaps you could be involved in a project where one of your colleagues at another group of desks needs to train you, and it'd make sense to sit there?

You are letting your colleagues into your head too much btw. Don't even think about quitting a good job just because a few colleagues are like mean girls.

I don’t think it’s bizarre asking if I’m literally the only person but being invited??it’s not as if some people have been & others haven’t - just me. And it’s not like we are spread out in the office - it’s a very noticeable thing.

at least if I move desk I don’t have to feel awkward when I can hear them talking about where they went for dinner etc - what you don’t know can’t hurt you!

Unless you’ve been in that situation I thinks easy for you to say ‘ why does it matter if you’re left out’

yes this is what I was thinking! I suppose she could come up with something like that - she is a very caring understanding person so it would be no issue on her end - I just worry what ‘the others’ will think!

This is a really difficult one because nobody here can see the dynamic. But I think I'd have to say that you go to work to work, not to make mates. It doesn't mean people hate you or dislike you - they are talking to you in the office and including you in the conversation. But that means they want to be friendly, not that they want to be friends. You can't force people to be friends, and you can't make them invite you to social gatherings. And, if I am honest, I wouldn't want to include someone who talked to the boss about it!

I do think you may be overthinking this.

I get that and if that’s the case it’s just very unfortunate that 4 women don’t want to be ‘friends’ even though we get on well. Which yes, can be bad for my mental health if I’m there worrying what’s wrong with me / if I smell / if I look ugly etc.

there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be friends - but it’s still not a nice situation and if my mental health would be better elsewhere then I don’t think that’s an unreasonable thought to have either!

personally - I don’t understand it because if I got on well with a woman it’s just decent to be like ‘ oh we’re going out for drinks - would you like to come’ unless I really could not stand them.

You really do need to nip this view in the bud. It’s not healthy. It might feel to you to be a bit ‘mean girls’, but they really, absolutely don’t owe you friendship. It doesn’t matter that you don’t understand it, and it doesn’t matter if you’d invite out someone you ‘got on well with’. The reality is, they’re a small group of friends and they like socialising.

It’s not about you. They’re not excluding you because you’re ugly or you smell or because there’s something wrong with you. You’re not at the centre of this narrative. You’re not the reason.

Ask your manager for a desk reshuffle, by all means, because it’ll be easier for you. But don’t, in any way, suggest that these colleagues have done something wrong. Unless you’re actually being victimised, or 90% of the team is going to the pub and excluding you, they really haven’t done anything wrong.

sounds very hurtful
can you wear ear defenders/headphones so you cant hear them.
give up caring.
alternatively make plans to go out WITH them?

I actually did ask if I could join a few times (embarrassingly but did take ages to pluck up the courage). Excuses were still made so I’m obviously not going to out myself out again!

I really feel for you, I moved area once and was a Secretary sitting by a team of admin, around 8-10 women, various ages. 2-3 times a week they would all get up to go to lunch together and leave me sitting there. They never once invited me and came back chatting about the lovely time they had etc. It was soul destroying, I had moved house, area, just got married and felt so isolated and left out. The job was horrible, awful boss, so I looked for another job, found one and left. I just put on a brave face and was always polite and friendly, one to one they were nice. Try and move desk and don't give them a second thought, be as hard faced as them, good luck.

id look for a other job.

in the meantime I would ask for a desk reshuffle and I wouldn’t waste any time
on that. We spend so much time at work it is intolerable to be this unhappy.

Thank you for sharing how you felt!! 100% - this is exactly how I feel although the actual job I don’t find stressful which is a shame everything else makes me feel so awful.

i also work in admin with these people & exactly that I am always so friendly and kind and they’re fine 1-1. I think a desk change is the best option because at least I don’t have to feel so awkward and embarrassed when they come back from their lovely lunches etc

You feel left out, I get that. But they clearly don't like you. Just ask to move desks. Tell your boss the facts, you feel a bit left out and while you realise they don't owe you friendship, moving would allow you to be more focused on your work. Who gives a fuck what they think of you agyer moving?

Thank you! Exactly they don’t - that’s ok & if I move I won’t be worried about why or beating myself up because I won’t be experiencing it every day! Thank you :)

I moved desks for similar reasons. I think I replaced someone who the women in question really liked. That wasn't my fault, she chose to leave. I didn't want to be besties, but I didn't want to feel left out regularly. When I moved there were a few raised eyebrows, but people who leave you out can't really be offended by you moving away.

Just a heads up for when you’re new to a group in future - don’t do things to get people to like you like offering to fetch things for them on your lunch break, especially then not asking for the money for whatever you bought. It will often come across as needy and at best off putting but some people will really dislike you for it. Wait until you have established friendships before you start doing favours.

I don’t mean offering to make who you sit with a coffee when you’re going to make yourself one, that’s just good manners but anything more than that is too try hard

That is SO true - I am sure there will be raised eyebrows but they can’t be offended if they leave me out.

we always get our bonuses in December - is it worth waiting to ask in January? What if asking to move diminishes my chances of getting my bonus (I doubt it, I work very hard etc - I’ve just been having trouble with these non-work related issues which contribute to my overall wellbeing in the actual office)

exactly - no desire to be besties but wanting to feel that you are liked etc is a pretty normal!

Exactly. There’s a difference between being your friend and being friendly. They’re your work colleagues and don’t owe you anything other than making sure they’re respectful towards you and can work alongside of you.

Do you have your own friends outside of the workplace? I can see how it would be nice if the invited you but they really don’t have too. You’re there to work and earn money. Move desks and focus on that

!!!

I don't really understand when you say you're being left out. It sounds like it's 3 women, who are friends, going out for their lunch at work sometimes but that it's a big office and there are some nice women at the other end of the office? So it's not as if you're being left out, there are other people/women in the office who also don't go out for lunch with them?

I do but why don’t I make the cut of hanging out with them after work? Why is it just me that gets singled out? In fact one of the 3 women doesn’t actually work as closely / speak to the other 2 as much as I do because she sits slightly behind. It’s just me that doesn’t get invited - and I don’t think I’m being irrational for feeling hurt by it. It is actually like I am invisible sometimes??

ifs natural to want to be liked. If it was just 2 people I would be more inclined to think yes they have a bond and they’re closer but there seems to be weird office politics behind it

Hang on... So this isn't even happening in work time? They're meeting up after work??

During and after - yes! As in straight after work, drinks round the corner. That doesn’t invalidate my feelings either - just because it’s after work. If you were left out, and ugly like me you would feel the same

It doesn’t matter why you don’t make ’the cut.’ They prefer to spend time outside of the workplace without you there. Yes, that’s pretty brutal but I think you need to stop asking all these questions of why you’re not included and just accept it.

It doesn’t really matter if you’re spoken too more in the office than the woman that sits slightly behind you. I can’t relate to the feeling of wanting to be liked but again, they’re respectful to you inside of the workplace. Whatever they do outside of the workplace is up to them. They’re not doing anything wrong.

Maybe you should consider why this has you viewing yourself as ugly etc as it’s a pretty extreme reaction to have

It’s not extreme. I am So kind to them - I’ve always been so polite, we have common interests. Yes they don’t owe me anything - but why would they NOT want to hang out with me? I don’t mean that in an arrogance sense at all because actually it makes me feel very insecure as you’ve seen above. But if I know that I am kind polite, funny and that I know they’ve seen all of these qualities then it must be how I look!!

& I can just tell that they are much nicer to the office to each other than they are to me. It’s just horrible for me to endure