Is asking to move desks at work a bad move?

[Lilly1102]

I’ve worked at my company for 2 & a half years. I am 25 and I sit with three other 30 year old ish women.

one of said colleagues, I work directly with and sit next to her. Throughout my 2 yrs I’ve always thought we get on really well -in the sense that we always chat and laugh about stuff & chat about non-related work things.

when I first joined I noticed her and the other 30 year old go out for lunch, drinks after work etc and they would often have inside jokes. I’m well aware that people have their work besties so I just assumed that was the case!

However, I became more anxious when the other girls that sit near us started going to these lunches / cocktails and I was the only person that wasn’t. I was always anxious about it and then tried to move on.

it reached a peak back in April where it really started to affect my mental health. I would worry if I was too ugly, not cool enough or maybe I was bad at my job! It came so severe that I’d leave work early and cry my eyes out. My family advised that I should bring it to my colleagues attentions and ask if I’d ever done something to upset them / mention that I’d love to join these things.

The girl I sit next to said I’d done absolutely nothing wrong but came up with some excuse that they ‘bitch about work’ so didn’t want to tarnish my views of the office?!? She also said that it’s all in my head and that it’s only happened once (re drinks) and suggested I see a therapist!! Now, I know this might’ve come across more rude than she intended but I spoke to my boss and she was also aware that these girls did lots of stuff more than once so I was relieved to know it wasn’t all in my head.

After that it was very awkward (I regret ever saying anything because deep down I knew they would still do it - just more secretively) which was the case.

6 months later, my colleague isn’t coming into the office because of severe depression and said she overthinks stuff now because I mentioned it! It wasn’t a direct blame but now I’m really anxious I’ve upset her or caused her to have a mental health issue. She also told me not to tell any of the other girls in the office (not that I would) but I found that strange because she is closer with them (the ones she goes for drinks with etc & invited them to her wedding) so it did make me wonder whether it was even true because why the heck would she tell me and not them.

one of the other girls who sits on our desk - is always SO blunt to me. She never said morning etc, she is rather rude over email and demanding (she isn’t my boss) and this is who the girl I sit next to’s best friend.

I also just don’t think they like me. Even though we get on etc, I always go out my way to make everyone feel seen and liked. Whenever I pop out to lunch I always ask if she wants anything and sometimes she’s said yes. I’ve always bought it and never asked for anything back (because it’s £2). She sometimes asks if I want anything and I always so no because I never particularly do but one time I did ask she asked me to transfer her 1.50 and I thought that was strange given I’ve bought her coffees etc etc.

I’m sure I sound rather ridiculous on here but there’s a whole string of instances that make me feel not liked and the only person that knows is me!

i either need to leave my job (but it pays very well and I probably need to stay there so I can save to start up my own business) or move desks to where some nice ladies sit (who are 60) at the other end of the office.

If I move desks it will create more anxiety and drama but at least I won’t feel awkward when they all have their inside jokes and talking about where they went for dinner etc

i know people will tell me to man up - I have always been so sensitive and I don’t think I’m being irrational. I really am left out here and not liked for whatever reason.

but the money is good - I’m mindful they me and my partner will get engaged soon and I’ll need to start a pot for that.

Boyfriend hates to see me like this and would happily see me leave and take a minimum wage job if I was happier. It’s so hard!

Work colleagues don't have to be friends. Some workplaces have close knit friendships, some have colleagues who are friendly while they work together, some have cliques and some people tolerate one another.

If you have asked if you can join them for lunch and they have continued to exclude you, they are a cliquey bunch.
Your priority is cordial and effective working relationship. So you can stay polite/casual friends with them if that makes your day pass quickly. You could ask about moving (this is unlikely to improve relationships with them but you seem to only work with 1 of them?) if you are finding it too upsetting. You could look for another role, but there is no guarantee it would be better elsewhere.

It is unlikely that you have triggered the one who is off' depression. If you see her as a friend, then be supportive but don't get sucked into any drama between her and the others.

Your initial thoughts that some people have workplace "besties" was the right one - you don't automatically have to be invited out for lunches and drinks with people just because you work together.

Definitely ask to move and sit with the more welcoming women. Don't make a big deal to them about why.

For future reference, I wouldn't have asked why I wasn't included when it became clear I wasn't. Whether or not it's rude to openly exclude someone or they have the right to socialise with whom they like, your colleague was out of line to say you were imagining it and need therapy. So that was a dick move.

Without the full picture, once it became a bigger group I'm of the opinion that they should have invited you as you're a similar age to at least some things. They may just feel you don't have much in common and have become set in their ways.

I would reflect on what you could do constructively. Could you be hurt because you would like to make more friends generally? If so, don't worry, just look elsewhere.

no, i meant specifically making the arrangements?
but they do sound very mean, a clique

I hate to be blunt, but isn't this something kids learn in the playground? You can't be liked equally by everyone. Sometimes people just don't click as friends. You may have the same tastes, interests, hobbies, values etc but for no reason whatsoever you're not friends. There doesn't need to be an explanation. It doesn't mean you're ugly. It's just a strange fact of life.

And I have to say that the behaviour over buying things for one of them while you go out for lunch and then saying they don't need to pay you back would make me uncomfortable. It could be seen as needy, as trying to buy friendship, as people pleasing.

I'm sure you're a very nice person. But these women don't see you as one of their close friends. They see you as a work colleague. And that isn't a reflection on you. It's just the way job relationships work.

Because you’re their colleague and not their friend? The other women seem to be actual friends and for whatever reason, they don’t want a friendship outside of the office with you. We’ll just go back and forth on this so hopefully you’ll receive suggestions that you want to hear from other posters

Just because they don’t want to have drinks with you after work doesn’t mean they hate you? I have friends in the office who I see outside of work & have lunch with, I also have friends in the office who I have no desire to engage with outside of work. As long as they’re working peacefully alongside you nobody, not you or your boss, can say they’re doing anything wrong by not wanting to see you outside of working hours whether that’s at lunch or after work. They don’t need a reason or excuse, they just do not want to spend their personal time with you and that’s fine.

Oh and it's nice to ask if anyone wants anything picking up from the shop or canteen sometimes but not to insist on paying for their sandwich. That would make me feel quite beholden and uncomfortable, even a small amount.

Definitely ask to move and sit with the more welcoming women.

To be fair, (a) there is no evidence that these women are not "welcoming" - the OP has said that they are happy to chat in the office and have done nothing to the OP except not invite her for meals / drinks outside work and (b) the women around the next desk just might actually be not welcoming - there are no guarantees things will get better and they could get worse.

OP - So now one of the three women who go out together actually doesn't sit as close to you/the others? And since you are funny, polite and have common interests then it must be because you are ugly? Seriously? This is beginning to sound a bit far-fetched, but if it is true, I think you need to get your head around something... three women who are polite and friendly to you in the office ALSO happen to be actual friends and socialise together outside work. You are coming across here as clingy and needy. They have given you no reason to complain about how they treat you in work - they don't exclude or isolate you there because they are happy to chat with you etc. You have asked them more than once if you can go out with them and they haven't invited you which is a clear message. So you have gone to the manager and complained that the "mean girls" won't let you go out with them (and if you think that they don't know you did that, think again).

This is a workplace, not a classroom. Some of the women are friends. Some are just people they work with. This is all entirely normal. But you can't make anyone be friends with you. Go out with your own friends.

It’s normal to have colleagues who you want to socialise with outside of work and then to have others where you don’t. It’s not personal and doesn’t mean you are disliked. I don’t understand why you would raise this with a manager.

I get that this can be quite hurtful to you but to be honest unless I really liked them and their company I wouldn't care. They can't be that nice if they are OK to leave you out. Unfortunately cliques do happen in work. Try to make friends elsewhere so you won't care.
Make your own tribe.

I agree with you

Surprised at all the bitchy hard faced comments on here. They seem unfriendly and you shouldn’t have to feel excluded from general conversation in the office, a simple ‘good-morning’ is just polite and professional. If they don’t want to include you in after-work socials then don’t stress, just request a desk move if that’d make you happier and distance yourself from them. Life’s too short to be in a shtty office job with shtty people 🙂

You are a grown up not a child back at school you need to mature and realise work is work, if you are going to move desks anyway not sure what you want us to say

If you just want people to agree with you to make yourself feel better a blog is more appropriate

And not sure this little girl act will last long in a marriage

Wow, some of the responses here are really harsh.

Being deliberately excluded is horrible.

Leaving colleagues out while making plans in front of them is just rude.

If you can move to a different area, plenty of people are decent and it makes all the difference to a work place.

It's not necessarily that you're not good enough. The friends I make at different workplaces aren't necessarily the best or nicest or coolest. They are who I am comfortable being myself with. So usually the colleagues I am only surface level nice are the one that I think are too good for me if anything. I don't want them to see me with my guard down, being unprofessional.
Please don't take it personally and just ask to move. They just aren't your people don't give them anymore of your precious headspace.

Shitty people because they don’t want to spend time with the OP out of work hours? Come on

No, as stated in my reply - if they don’t want to hang out after work don’t stress. But not saying good morning and being blunt/rude to colleagues who are polite to you is shitty behaviour.

No, as stated in my reply - if they don’t want to hang out after work don’t stress. But not saying good morning and being blunt/rude to colleagues who are polite to you is shitty behaviour.

OP, you need to work on your resilience. You have a very long time until retirement.

Some really nasty replies on here that must have made the OP feel even worse.

Re-frame your thinking.
They are a load of sad cases who seem to need the people they work with to be friends and rely on each other because they don't have friends outside the workplace.

This is a you problem that can be fixed very easily…..just don’t give a fuck. Why do you care what they do, what they talk about and who they go lunch with? Why does it bother you to be left out when these women don’t even sound like a great bunch?

You’re caring about this way too much and you should learn not too, maybe use this problem as a way to grow and adapt to not giving a fuck….happiness lays that way 😊

You do get cliques at work and it's easier if you just try to be comfortable in yourself and ignore it. I don't have close friends at work. I just chat a bit and don't do social stuff. Ask to move in the new year. Just tell your manager it's a bit cliquey where you currently are and you'd like to mix it up by switching seats so you can concentrate on your work more.

I feel a little divided … On the one hand i think you are trying too hard - I wouldn’t be buying lunch for someone who you don’t think likes you in madness - particularly as she doesn’t pay you .. just stop .. they aren’t your out of works friends .

The chatting about it isn’t kind - is it rubbing your face in it or not .. hard to know … I went out with some people from work last week. Stuff mentioned from that night out was only mentioned when the none invited weren’t around .

i don’t think for one minute it is to do with been smelly , ugly ..

personally i would go into work breezy hello - get on with work .

yes ask to move desks . But just be you . If people don’t like you that is on them .

can I ask are you the same age as these women ?

Stop trying to be friends with them. It's work and you don't need to ingratiate yourself. Stop asking them if they want anything and stop giving a fuck tbh. You sound way nicer than them.