how to deal with crazy complaints from colleague?

[PumpkinLatte1234]

Any tips how to handle a work colleague who is making my life utterly miserable? She has never liked me but now it is getting ridiculous, everything I say or do is twisted to make me look as bad as possible.

Recent examples that she made into a massive drama, with crying how I am so mean to her:

• I didn't tell her about a confidential case - but she wanted to know!
• I didn't sit next to her during a meeting. I sat opposite. Drama ensued.
• I didn't respond one morning when she said hi, clearly I am a massively rude person who hates her (after further investigation into this event, she did admit that I was, in fact, talking to someone else and yes it's possible I simply didn't hear the greeting)

Sounds ridiculous, we are not in kindergarten - but those constant complaints are having a terrible effect on me. I'm sneaking around on eggshells, terrified what else I will now do that will offend her, probably I'm breathing rudely and offensively too. And the usual advice, that keep a log of the interactions etc, won't work, I simply don't have the imagination to guess where the next complaint might come from.

Any experiences with similar people? What worked?

Oh god so awful for you. That's so stressful. It's like a form of bulling I want you to be my pal! Speak to your manager it could be seen as bullying and intimation really. Good luck. Hope it's not so bad

Manager is aware. Manager is a lovely, but a soft and conflict avoidant person who basically says 'there there'.

Why won't logging your interactions with her work? I don't understand why not.

You need to log things. In the instance where she said hello and you didn't hear her, you should ask the person you were talking to to back you up.

Do you have any idea what the person's issue is, i.e. what her motivation is?

Who is she complaining to?

Grievance.

Thats your answer.

Unless your workplace has specific written rules about greeting people/where to sit etc, she is a fucking lunatic.

Shut it down, make your manager work for their fucking wage and grievance on this whiny colleague.

That is the only solution.

I think OP is saying she would have to document every interaction in minute detail to have the relevant info to hand in the case of the next complaint, e.g. '@PumpkinLatte1234 wore a yellow top 47 days ago and she knows that yellow is my mother's favourite colour and it was the anniversary of her death' or something utterly random like that. Short of having a film crew follow you around recording every moment for posterity you never know what shit she might come up with next.

I would still record the basics of every interaction so you have a record, but otherwise I agree - grievance. If your line manager isn't prepared to do something about it, it needs to go to HR. Surely what she's doing is a form of bullying.

How are you getting any work done whilst having to deal with all this drama constantly? I think the other thing I'd do in the short term is put in writing that you won't be discussing any further instances (listing the three examples you've set out above) unless a formal complaint is made and HR are involved, because dealing with this constantly is affecting your productivity as well as your wellbeing.

Yes exactly as tribpot said, all those complaints are so random. I am documenting any meetings and similar. But if she comes up with some random thing I allegedly did 2 weeks ago, I won't even remember. I was considering a bodycam :D

Meowcat she complains to our joint manager, but also various people in the company. Which is of course also an issue - manager basically shrugs, but I do not want to have malicious rumours spread about me.

Nigel, mainly I think because she was the only one on that level, others were more junior reporting to her, so everything was done as she wanted. She resents having me on the same level, also because we have very different working styles and I often don't do things like she would. For some reason, this is seen as personal criticism of her way of doing things.

When people say log it, they mean write down each complaint she makes to you, what it was about and the date she said it. Not log everything before she moans about it.

So like. Kirsty complained to me today that I didn't sit with her at a meeting last week, I was sat opposite instead.

She doesn't complain to me though. She goes straight to manager. Which is another thing, by the time complaint reaches me, it's usually been a few days if not weeks, and I won't remember the details - who was there, who sat where, who exactly said what etc, so I can't even properly defend myself.

Equally you shouldn't be having to defend yourself against the charge of 'sat opposite colleague instead of next'. Manager should be telling her this is not a valid complaint. Instead manager is taking the path of least resistance and making it all your problem.

Exactly. Your manager needs to start managing. I'm a senior manager and if someone came to me with a complaint like this I wouldn't even be discussing it with you. I'd be pushing it back in her to sort her life out (but in professional terms)

Of course all those issues are presented very differently - for example with seating, I believe it was something in the lines of 'She REFUSED to sit next to me!!' Gives it another flavour.

Right but even if she did go to the manager saying @PumpkinLatte1234 refused to sit next to me, the manager needs to say 'she can sit where she likes in a meeting room, this is not a valid complaint'. But this is never going to happen.

How do you come to hear of these events? Who is telling you and what is their motivation for doing so?

Speak to your manager and tell them that this colleague is making vexatious complaints against you for no logical reason or grounds that you can think of.

Make sure they note down the word 'vexatious' because it has a legal meaning. Next time your manager approaches you with a tale of yet another of her complaints, ask the manager whether they remember what you said about her vexatious complaints, and bear that in mind with regard to the current complaint.

In most cases, my manager tells me. No, I don't think he takes the complaints seriously, but the opposite is also true - he also doesn't take seriously the fact that it basically amounts to bullying.
And of course, if you take only her version, it could also amount to creating a hostile workplace: "My colleague hates me so much, every day she does something to upset me, ignores me on purpose, refuses to respond to my greetings, mentioned her dog while she knew that mine died 10 years ago..'

Do you have HR? Now is the time to speak to them.

For goodness sake, make a formal complaint already and include HR in it if you have an HR dept. It's the very obvious (and only) solution. "Vexatious" is the word you want.

we do and I have a meeting set up for Monday morning. Unfortunately based on my experience, HR will also say there there, try to get along. But we do have a new person for business partner, so maybe she is different..

Yes, this whole thing is way too toxic not to involve HR. Imagine if the complainer launches a grievance and says she raised every one of these complaints to the manager, and the manager admits he did absolutely nothing about any of them, other than going straight to OP to tell her about them.

You need to get your grievance in first, @PumpkinLatte1234 . After you've done that, I'd tell your manager in writing that you don't want him to notify you about any complaints unless he plans to follow the complaints procedure - and cc HR.

let's assume I'm right and HR does nothing.
Any other suggestions how I can make my life more bearable? The rest of the company is great and I otherwise really enjoy working there, so I do not want to leave.

Well for sure your manager needs to stop telling you about these complaints.

She's not actually confronting you with them, is she? So manager needs to suck it up and not tell you.

Be as bland as possible in your interactions with her. Don’t ignore her, but beyond “hello” and “goodbye” at the beginning and the end of each day, discuss absolutely nothing personal with her. Stick strictly to work. She might well decide this is wrong too, but it’s very hard to misinterpret comments nobody actually makes.

But that aside, don’t let HR do nothing. Be at them the whole time; make sure nothing goes unreported and push back each and every time they basically tell you to just kiss and make up or whatever it may be. Will it make you popular with them? No - but the squeaky wheel gets the grease. They won’t want to be spending a lot of time on this, so their options are to dismiss your concerns and hope it all goes away, or to step up to stamp it out. You need to make sure it’s option two.

I agree. Hopeless wibbly manager is enabling her. So you need to take this higher.
Lunatic co-worker is having a significant effect on your working life and should not be allowed to get away with this.

When I had a difficult colleague I kept things professional, so no chitchat, no personal opinions about anything and I never gave any input unless asked to. Eventually she was an arsehole about something I had covered for her on and the manager saw through her behaviour.