how to deal with crazy complaints from colleague?

[PumpkinLatte1234]

Any tips how to handle a work colleague who is making my life utterly miserable? She has never liked me but now it is getting ridiculous, everything I say or do is twisted to make me look as bad as possible.

Recent examples that she made into a massive drama, with crying how I am so mean to her:

• I didn't tell her about a confidential case - but she wanted to know!
• I didn't sit next to her during a meeting. I sat opposite. Drama ensued.
• I didn't respond one morning when she said hi, clearly I am a massively rude person who hates her (after further investigation into this event, she did admit that I was, in fact, talking to someone else and yes it's possible I simply didn't hear the greeting)

Sounds ridiculous, we are not in kindergarten - but those constant complaints are having a terrible effect on me. I'm sneaking around on eggshells, terrified what else I will now do that will offend her, probably I'm breathing rudely and offensively too. And the usual advice, that keep a log of the interactions etc, won't work, I simply don't have the imagination to guess where the next complaint might come from.

Any experiences with similar people? What worked?

@PumpkinLatte1234 Think about how you present the information to HR.

• I didn't tell her about a confidential case - but she wanted to know! I’m very concerned x doesn’t understand GDPR and confidentiality. She is pressurising me to disclose confidential information she has no business need to know, this includes complaining to our manager. Please could you make sure she receives appropriate guidance on confidentiality and inappropriate seeking of confidential business information.

• I didn't sit next to her during a meeting. I sat opposite. Drama ensued. I am very concerned by x’s unprofessional behaviour in meetings. For some reason she did xyz and lodged a complaint with our manager because I didn’t sit where she wanted me to. I am concerned that this is controlling behaviour and over reaction which could escalate unless they are addressed. It is not my place to investigate the root causes of her behaviour but have you considered an OH referral to make sure you are managing any risk to her, other employees and the business?

After the meeting send an email to HR confirming discussions and any agreed actions.

Basically flag to HR the risk if she goes nuts and they ignored the warning flags.

Based on the time of the year that you're posting this, perhaps it's coming up to your End of Year Review with your manager? If you do have a review, you could mention how each of these complaints/issues that this colleague is making might be seen as insignificant in isolation but when it is repeated, it could amount to bullying and you are the one at the receiving end of this. She is also making it out that you're difficult and this is damaging to your professional reputation and must be stopped. Not sure if the job you do has a union @PumpkinLatte1234 but if you're in a union, contact them and get their advice on the situation.

I would refuse to attend a meeting, online or otherwise where she is there without other witnesses and I'd actually show up just as the meeting is scheduled to begin and take a seat at the back or right up the front (perhaps you could ask another colleague to reserve a seat for you).

Stay strong as she is the one who is unhinged, but your manager really must do more. If you're still not having any joy during an EoY Review, perhaps speaking with HR might be the next step. It's like death by a thousand cuts here.

Spigging this is good advice. With the challenge that we have an open office and her desk is just next to me. She will be offended by something I said to someone else. Plus, she's also after my people now. One of the last complaints was that one of my reports had made a joke one of her reports misinterpreted, also that was somehow my fault.

Harassed thank you! I think this is what I need to do, with both HR but also my manager. Calmly make my case that colleague clearly has some issues that need to be addressed.

It's like death by a thousand cuts here.

that's exactly what I told to my manager. Each case in isolation - no big deal, ah well, people can misunderstand, whatever. But one after the other, each more absurd than the previous..

Keep stating and restating that she is creating a hostile work environment for you snd your team.

I was actually going to suggest a bodycam. Are you in a union?

i work with someone like this. She accused me of some pretty shocking stuff and involved HR when I had no interaction with HR in the last five years I’d worked there. In the end we were instructed to put anything through our manager. Only last week she asked for a solution how to prevent me doing something to her work she’d accused me of. Manager shut it down and spoke to her privately then asked me for my take on it. I told her. I hadn’t done anything she’d done it (long winded explanation but basically her mistake) It’s a massive pita especially for my manager but all I can keep doing is carrying on and letting manager deal with it

Go to your manager's manager and say that you consider the constant complaints to be workplace bullying and you would like it to be addressed. You can say you didn't feel able to go to your manager because it feels like there has been so much back story it needed to be dealt with by someone outside the triangle.

And keep very detailed records.

Can you get the seating arrangements changed? If you don't get on it would be sensible all round if you could sit further apart, you could say it's distracting if you both have to talk a lot to other people. Opposite ends of the room seems good.

There are two approaches, one. keep interaction to an absolute minimum and very formal, arrange a 10 min 'meeting' as necessary for your work, daily/weekly morning or/and afternoon and only discuss things then, anything in between you make a note and discuss at the meeting, get your manager to suggest this formal arrangement (for her benefit obviously so you can't be nasty off the record) take minutes or record if necessary. If you want to talk to other people go to them and talk privately where she can't overhear, is there a meeting room you could use?

The alternative is keep your enemies close, be extremely nice and cordial, killing with kindness, but somehow I don't think you will go for that option!

There are many good suggestions here, some of them would not work due to our our office set up.

But yes, as said, our HR is new and she does not have any of the backstory. So she will be outside of the previous interactions and can take a fresh look.

Those 'complaints' should not even been passed on to you.

Your manager should simply tell her to get a grip...

I can see that the manager wants to give me a chance to tell my side of the story. If I had one of my reports coming to me and claiming that another is being rude and did X,Y and Z, I would also want to check what the other says. I'm sure all the situations told by my colleague sound very different.

But the issue is you are being bullied at work because someone is repeatedly raising false complaints. It is a pattern of behaviour.

I feel you are being too passive.

Your manager sounds useless.

Have you made a formal complaint about your colleague's behaviour as a whole?

I can see that the manager wants to give me a chance to tell my side of the story.

But (a) there is no 'side of the story' to 'Pumpkin didn't want to sit next to me in a meeting' and (b) he's not doing this within the context of a formal investigation, is he? With fact being gathered from both sides, and the outcome recorded formally. This is essentially her whining to him and him bitching to you.

But (a) there is no 'side of the story' to 'Pumpkin didn't want to sit next to me in a meeting'
The story was of course presented that I had deliberately and aggressively refused to sit next to her, by this making everybody in the room unfomfortable and created an hostile environment.

it is a good point though that next time, either let's do an investigation, or stop bitching.

If you want to work from home, this may be your time to ask

Surely your manager can verify whether or not this was the case by asking others who were in the meeting?

yes that's true.
I am a little worried what will happen if I don't get my side heard at all? Maybe just a paranoia. I sincerely believe I have not done anything wrong in this situation. Except letting it carry on as long as I have..

But in the 'great matter of who sat where in a meeting', the charge is that your behaviour made everyone else feel uncomfortable, so it makes more sense to speak to the other attendees to get their view. Your manager is doing absolutely nothing to make this situation better.

And I agree, I don't think you've done anything wrong in this situation, her complaints are ludicrous.

true, thanks so much. Will talk to boss and tell him to only tell me about stuff where he believes my input is needed and he can't get a balanced view by other means. Otherwise it just causes me unneccesary stress.

Oh my lord. I feel for you!

no advice but didn’t want to read and run. What an awful thing for you to go through. I can’t imagine how stressful that must be ♥️

Hope you get on well with the new HR today @PumpkinLatte1234

Thanks for asking, she indeed thought the complaints were absurd and understood what effect they have on me. We will see what action is taken.

'I am making a formal complaint to you about a pattern of behaviour. X has repeatedly made unfounded complaints about me, which are either trivial or exagerated. They are not made in good faith. Either you have chosen not to investigate the complaints so that my name is cleared, or X is refusing to cooperate with investigation. The complaints process is in place to work towards resolution. By avoiding investigation and substantiation or otherwise of complaint so that the pattern of complaint can be recognised as unreasonable and vexatious, you are putting me at risk, professionally and personally, and you now need to tell me what you are going to do about it.'

Ah sorry, I didn't see that you had made some progress - good stuff and I hope HR delivers.