One step further, five steps back. Autistic client being nasty to me in public.

[BloodyPoppet]

Hi, not sure which topic was best to start this thread on, but here goes: sorry if it is long:

Since February, I have been a PA (personal assistant) to a 32 year old autistic lady.
This is the first time I’ve done a role like this, so please bear with me.

My original hours with this lady (I’ll call her Ann) were over the weekend in which she struggled with the amount of people around her in public, so I took her to the park most of the time (away from the children’s area), or requested a quiet booth in a restaurant for breakfast, both times Ann was mostly reasonable, though I was limited to where I could take her.

Ann’s other PA then left, so I decided to change my days to hers as those days are more structured with already planned places to go, which I thought would be ideal all round, but since starting these different days, Ann has been rude and misbehaving.

I understand that autistic minds work differently than ours and that she is overwhelmed in public settings, but I didn’t realise just how overwhelmed she is.

With all the rude things she says, storming off, and putting me down on a regular basis, and telling everyone around us that she prefers the PA that left, I feel I’m either, or all of, the below.

I’m not doing my job properly
I'm not suited to the job.
She doesn’t like me, she tolerates me as and when it suits her.
She is rude on top of being, or a part of, being autistic.

Again, it’s the first time I’ve been in this role.
We get on at the beginning of the day, but that changes as soon as we meet up with fellow PAs and their clients, so it’s like one step forward, five steps back, but I feel people think I’m being awful to her when I try to calm her down and try to be firm.

I’m ready for handing in my notice.
What are people’s thoughts? Does anybody have the same issues?

It doesn't really matter why, does it? You're not enjoying it, it's not working for you, so leave?

Yeah, I suppose that’s it in a nutshell.

Autism is not an excuse to be a jerk. I'd personally leave, as she's being abusive to you on a personal level. You don't have to accept it. If you want to stay, it sounds like you could do with some support. Who employs you? Ann herself, or an agency or social services? You're there to help her and facilitate a fulfilling and engaging life, not to be abused and called names etc.

You don't have to stay in a role you aren't enjoying but it doesn't sound like you understand autism very well either and are taking her actions personally. All behaviour is communication and this rude behaviour is likely to be because the other PA left, there has been a change and the service user is stressed and struggling with you being there as you are the wrong person. If she has such significant needs that she requires several PAs to facilitate going out and about then that is hardly surprising nor that she interacts differently to other people her age, it is a social and communication disability after all.

If you don't like the job then move on, but it's likely that with time and her adjusting to you being there she will settle and you will become her new normal.

It’s through an agency. The agency pays me, but Ann is my client, and her Mum manages the PAs, if that makes sense.
Her parents (she lives at home) are busy but they know how she is, they put it down to her being autistic, so no support would be given to me.

You've clearly never been around classically autistic people, this is often par for the course!

OP, it's really hard and definitely not for everyone, there's absolutely no shame in quitting if it's not for you.

Hi, yes, fair comment, and though I realise that the changes due to the other PA leaving are why she is behaving the way she is. It’s hard not to take it personally with the way she behaves in public.

I know so so many autistic people, so many of them in my family and extended family and loads in work as I’m in a sector where ND is very prevalent. So many of my autistic friends, family and colleagues are unbelievably nice, interesting due to their different way of thinking, fun, kind, thoughtful, lots of great traits in spite of daily struggles with their sensory experiences, emotional experiences but then there are a very small minority who are critical, cold, judgemental, lacking in empathy, controlling, rigid and literally impossible. Ann sounds like the latter I don’t think I’d work with an Ann personality, she fundamentally sounds like a bully. You can be autistic and a bully.

You're right. My experience is with boys with fragile x.

It always makes me sad when I read threads like this. Lots of autistic people are perfectly polite and pleasant. Autism doesn't make people rude and horrible.

The person you are looking after @BloodyPoppet sounds rude and unkind, autism or otherwise. I know plenty of NT people who are rude and unkind and I wouldn't want to work for them. I'm not necessarily sure it is the autism that is the problem here.

I hope you manage to find someone more pleasant to work for.

⬆️⬆️ that’s my experience too.

This lady is severely affected by her autism. You can’t compare how she behaves to the way other autistic people, who work, have a family etc.., behave.

Yes she is probably overwhelmed by the fact her old PA left. And you aren’t doing things exactly the same way than her (but are still taking her to the same places!!)

It’s not easy. And it’s ok to step away and find another job if that is the case. I’m going to guess there is high turnover in the PA anyway.

..very small minority who are critical, cold, judgemental, lacking in empathy, controlling, rigid and literally impossible..

Sadly, this is another style of autism. The person who has these traits is not being deliberately nasty to those around them, it is just how they are. Lacking in emotional connection, having to control everything, being rigid, being naturally critical and judgemental but having no 'filter' - it doesn't mean they are a horrible person at heart.

Yes it is possible that an autistic person is also a bully - but unlikely.
The relationship/emotional impairment of autism, including lack of interest in other people's reactions, make bullying a trait not often found in people with autism.
What comes across as 'bullying' is more likely a defence mechanism to control surroundings and situations, and trouble adapting to changes.

What training have you had?

Don't take it personally, it's the autism speaking. If the hours suit you carry on.

Misbehaving! This is a disabled adult not a naughty child. What you meant to say was "struggling to regulate her emotions which resulted in challenging behaviours."

I think you need to adjust your thinking. You've posted:

"Since February, I have been a PA (personal assistant) to a 32 year old autistic lady.

Ann has been rude and misbehaving.

I feel people think I’m being awful to her when I try to calm her down and try to be firm."

You are talking about a 32 year old woman. Your language describes an adult-child relationship. She's not a child. I doubt she had any say in who would be supporting her. She doesn't get the choice of whether to have support.

You either need to reframe your thinking and help her to participate in her care choices more, or resign.

Resign op. I would in your situation. You've done your best. Please don't feel bad about it

I think you’ll find that rigidity, lack of socially expected ways to display empathy and the need to control one’s environment are core traits in autism.

So no, they aren’t bullies. The other individuals you mention wouldn’t have been diagnosed as autistic 20 years ago.

The diagnostic criteria for autism and ND in general have been rewritten so broadly, they now include pretty much anyone who doesn’t fit in/feels different. This isn’t just my view, leading researchers have raised similar concerns. The result is that autistic individuals with more pronounced/typical traits are being othered within their own category. Your post is a great example of this phenomenon.

OP, I think tour client is struggling with change but if she isn’t offered training/techniques how to manage it, then I don’t think you should be at the receiving end of it. Autistic individuals can behave in a challenging way though, perhaps your client needs more focus on how to manage her emotions and anxieties in a socially acceptable manner.

Autism isn't an excuse for being rude! This person has the capacity to make these remarks so should know it's wrong. I think she needs a pa who is able to quite frankly support her to make better decisions about her behaviour.

@pinkoink isn't it still a spectrum though? How can you be 'othered' in a category that is a spectrum. Also, what is a "typical" autistic trait?

Even classic/more severe whatever you want to call it within the spectrum can still be taught manners etc. you can be rude and autistic, remember. I have a severely disabled dsd including autism and we do not allow her to be rude, she is reprimanded even as an adult for inappropriate behaviour.

I would leave. You can’t change how someone feels about you. Others on here should not be invalidating how you feel. The person with autism is being rude, their support network should be supporting you and telling Ann that is not nice behaviour and ask why she is upset. Probably why the previous person left!

Would it work to return to the activities - and possibly the days - you were initially doing? Going to the park or for a quiet brunch was working for you, could you return to that?

I would say that misbehaving is shorthand for challenging /poor behaviour (what the reasons behind it are)
OP did not say badly behaved or naughty…
Let’s not have a go at OP.

Fundamentally, you do not sound to have the insight to support this person. In my experience (autistic DS, now a teenager) the behaviours that you describe are indicative of very high levels of anxiety and she sounds very distressed. Has Ann been asked if she wants to do these activities? It doesn't sound as though they are the right events for her - you seem to be describing events which are too over stimulating and the behaviours you describe fit in with this.

It could also be that Ann doesn't like you and struggles to show this in a 'socially acceptable' manner - but I'd personally consider lack of choice, inappropriate activities and a general lack of autonomy as issues first off.

As the parent of an autistic child who will need support all his life, I'd have no problem with you quitting? Or perhaps discussing your training needs or sitting down and having a discussion with you. Be careful not to dismiss the parents advice as them accepting the behaviours though. I'd bet the last twenty quid of my overdraft that actually they're trying to pick the battles / see the bigger picture / understand their child better than you do. Which is why you should probably quit...