One step further, five steps back. Autistic client being nasty to me in public.

[BloodyPoppet]

Hi, not sure which topic was best to start this thread on, but here goes: sorry if it is long:

Since February, I have been a PA (personal assistant) to a 32 year old autistic lady.
This is the first time I’ve done a role like this, so please bear with me.

My original hours with this lady (I’ll call her Ann) were over the weekend in which she struggled with the amount of people around her in public, so I took her to the park most of the time (away from the children’s area), or requested a quiet booth in a restaurant for breakfast, both times Ann was mostly reasonable, though I was limited to where I could take her.

Ann’s other PA then left, so I decided to change my days to hers as those days are more structured with already planned places to go, which I thought would be ideal all round, but since starting these different days, Ann has been rude and misbehaving.

I understand that autistic minds work differently than ours and that she is overwhelmed in public settings, but I didn’t realise just how overwhelmed she is.

With all the rude things she says, storming off, and putting me down on a regular basis, and telling everyone around us that she prefers the PA that left, I feel I’m either, or all of, the below.

I’m not doing my job properly
I'm not suited to the job.
She doesn’t like me, she tolerates me as and when it suits her.
She is rude on top of being, or a part of, being autistic.

Again, it’s the first time I’ve been in this role.
We get on at the beginning of the day, but that changes as soon as we meet up with fellow PAs and their clients, so it’s like one step forward, five steps back, but I feel people think I’m being awful to her when I try to calm her down and try to be firm.

I’m ready for handing in my notice.
What are people’s thoughts? Does anybody have the same issues?

Tw mentions CSA. Twice I’ve been told how people with ASD cannot be bullies now so I’ve decided to reply with an experience. Feel free to dismiss that too.

Most types of bullying stem from some form of lack of capacity psychological or otherwise, For example I was sexually abused by an autistic bully who used all sorts of other rudimentary bullying tactics cruel comments, physical threats etc on both me and another family members too. I was much younger so the bullying level was at a much younger level than you would expect from the bully’s peers but it absolutely was bullying. Don’t underestimate people with ASD, they can absolutely bully especially as if in this case I experienced many of their needs are not being met. People with ASD are people too, capable of the full range of human experience.

Quit. Good carers/PAs are hard to find. I am sure you will find a job with a client who is better suited to you temperamentally.

People with ASD are as diverse in their personalities, intelligence levels, behaviours, morality and qualities as people without ASD. It's ridiculous to suggest otherwise. Having ASD is no excuse to bully and belittle others. How to challenge this behaviour and work on it may demand different skills from those you'd use with NT clients, but there's no need to put up with it, ever.

Have you tried talking directly to Ann about what is going on?

I also think you need t talk with the person who employs you (was it her parents?) since they will want to avoid having to employ another PA if you leave.

i can’t help noticing that you speak about her as if she is a Child. Did you discuss your change of hours with her? Did she agree? Have you tried discussing with her after the event why she got angry? You talk about “being firm”, but what are you being firm about? She is an adult so she is entitled to make choices about what she does. The fact you are managed by her mum also makes me wonder if she is treated like a child.

Whether it’s autism or not, Ann’s abusive & damaging.

💐 to you. Leave asap.

I couldn't agree more.

Being autistic is absolutely no excuse for rudeness. I'm a SN parent and I would absolutely not tolerate that from either of my children. Whatever, it's not the job for you. You don't have to put up with that and you shouldn't. I hope you find something where you're treated better.

Why did the other PA leave?

Regardless it doesn't sound like you are the right fit for this woman and she is not the right fit for you.

Some one else will be better suited to being matched with her.

Can you change client? ie ask the agency for other work? Failing that I'd leave, its not a good fit. I used to work in the care sector. Some people that require care are rude and difficult with staff, sometimes its a clash of personality, sometimes people are rude to everyone.
There is lots of work in the care sector so you should be able to get other work easily.
Also a bit about use of the term "misbehaving"

OP you will find plenty of other more suited clients. It is what it is. You’re not a good fit for each other and that’s OK.
Great post upthread sums up the gap here from AllThatEverWas

If you don't feel up to it then leave. If you feel up to going back to your previous hours do that.

If you feel like trying to improve things, ask Anne and her family how to make things better. She is being clear that she is unhappy with the changes, so how did your predecessor do it? If you are able to structure things the old way and Anne is happy does it make it a good environment for you? This is fundamentally a person who can't get through the day without a pa, so support needs must be fairly high. Even if your outcome is leave, do try not to take it personally.

I imagine she formed an attaché me y of sorts to the previous PA and you haven't done anything wrong, she just resents you taking her place.

You could walk into another care job if you went to an agency. Theres really no benefit or reason to work for this woman.
Ive been doing care and support work for a while, and i can get on with most people, but not everyone is a good fit.
Write this one off

Hi OP. Do you challenge her when she is rude? I work with an autistic teenager. Sometimes she says rude things usually about people’s appearance and will say ‘I’m just being honest’. So I will explain to her why we don’t say things like that. A lot of the things she says is down to her own low self esteem and sometimes I think she is trying to connect but doesn’t know how. She is quite receptive to me explaining things but it is a long process. You do have to be patient but also have a thick skin and remember it’s nothing personal, even though it feels like it. The rewards when you make a breakthrough are wonderful.