How to get my confidence back at work

[jestreform]

I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on how to return from a major confidence hit at work.

The background below is long so to keep things short for people who don't want to read the navel gazing essay: I have been given reason at work to doubt my ability, and as a result am in a spiral where I'm projecting to others less confidence in my ability, leading them to doubt my ability and lose trust, which gives me more reason to doubt and so on. I see my options now as either to stay at my current company and in effect give up on career growth (I'm about 10 years off retirement so could look to coast until then) or get another job. I'm trying to work out if there is a third option which is a way back from this.

** Long background 888
I'm middle management, in my late 40s, with a much higher level of responsibility than is normal at my grade. A major issue hit at the beginning of the year and more senior management swooped in and took over decisions that would normally be mine. The issue wasn't because of anything I had or hadn't done - something like my client being unhappy with the way another team had been performing and because this client was a particularly large one, senior management took over decisions and communication with the client, whereas normally it would be entirely left for me to run how to manage the relationship (with oversight of course). [Not the situation but trying not to be outing]. That hit my confidence because I was entirely cut out of the relationship - it wasn't a case of people wanting more oversight, or disagreeing with my decisions but I lost my seat at the table, had my decisions overruled in meetings in front of the client, and generally got the impression that whilst people were happy for me to manage the day to day contact with the big client, I wasn't trusted when the shit hit the fan. That lack of trust may or may not have been justified, but it was a major confidence hit and led to me questioning my ability to make any material decisions without sign off. Decisions that 3 years ago I wouldn't think about, I'm now questioning myself on whether I need to get my boss's ok on.

Then later in the year, I was told out of the blue the promotion I was working towards (which I had been led to believe was close to a done deal) was being delayed because key decision makers within the company didn't believe I was ready. This is despite other people being promoted with less experience, and less theoretical responsibility than me (say I'm managing client relationships worth 100m a year and I've been doing my role (and being appraised as a top performer) for three years, and people have been promoted where they're managing relationships worth 10m and only being in role for two years (don't know what their appraisals have been obviously). I'm not saying that these people don't deserve their promotions and my boss says this isn't a reflection on me, but the reality is I interpret this as the company saying I'm not as good as my colleagues who were promoted.

I've been in this company 6 years. I have been promoted in that time. Before I joined this company I was always a top performer, moving much much faster through promotions than the norm. I'm also a career changer and so started this career with more experience of work (if not of client management). At my current company, if anything I'm moving slower than the norm.

As a result, my confidence is at rock bottom and I am myself withdrawing from decision making, asking for reductions in responsibilities (to be more 'normal' for someone in my position), and letting others talk for me. I've been in burnout and am slowly dragging myself out again, but that in itself doesn't help because in itself it means I tend to self-doubt.

I was at an internal event last week, and actively avoided sitting with more senior leadership because I felt that it wasn't appropriate for me as I'm too junior. Last year I would have just sat there and wouldn't have questioned myself (and it wouldn't have been inappropriate).

I was discussing options for other jobs with a long term friend who is senior in my industry last week (and has previously managed me) and got the feedback that I was materially underplaying myself and that he didn't understand why I wasn't looking at more senior (external roles), and that he hadn't seen me like this before.

There's lots more to the above of course, and I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I don't have things to work on. I'm not even saying I should be promoted. I've had several months to think now, and I just don't think I'm ready to accept I've hit my limit and that this is as far as I get in my career, and have been actively looking for other options there's little interesting out there. So looking for help from the Mumsnet hive mind on whether there is a way to turn this around - ultimately I know it needs to start with me but I don't know how to start.

I am not sure if there is a third option because you need to show leadership; this is difficult without opportunities. I would coast in your current role whilst actively searching for alternative positions outside of your current employer. I would also look to take up a new hobby which will focus on strength and confidence building.

it sounds like it’s time to
move op

for whatever reason, they seem not to trust your capabilities. once gone, difficult to get back

what was your last review like?

Thanks. I suspect so too, but coasting is against my nature and there aren't a lot of opportunities out there at my level at the moment. I am worried that I may end up coasting for a couple of years whilst I look for something unless I'm move to a job that my heart isn't in (and that could end up worse). Not overly keen on working 60+ hour weeks in a job that I am just doing for the paycheck.* *If I had a job offer for a job I wanted it would be simple!

Last performance review (after the incident at the beginning of the year) I was given the highest possible rating. Same for 2023. And issues coming through in 360 feedback from 2023 were no longer coming through in 2024 - i.e. I showed (and it was acknowledged) that I had addressed the issues raised last year. My manager, and his manager, both tell me that I'm a valued employee with a future at the company, and that I am someone who is considered a top performer and a key continuity risk were I to leave (because whilst everyone is always replaceable and believe me I know my company would screw me over in a heartbeat if it made them more profit, I'm actually am less replaceable than most). Note a promo wouldn't change my role - it would just be acknowledgement that I am operating at a more senior level. So in promoting me they wouldn't be losing me. In fact it would increase my notice period so would be in their direct interests if they're worried about me leaving.

Had there not been the kick back on promo, I'd have taken the incident earlier in the year as just one of those things, and probably reflecting more on more senior leadership's own desire to be seen to be in control of the situation to their own bosses and the client than on a lack of trust in me. But the kickback on promo plus others getting pushed ahead of me is making it very hard for me to believe that my managers aren't just bullshitting me because they don't want me to quit. Plus the confidence issue is starting to mean that I'm probably not operating at a level for promotion - because if I need my boss's sign off on the basics, I defer to my boss in meetings with more senior people, and I avoid sitting next to people because I think I'm too junior, I'm not ready! These are not things I was doing a year ago but now I'm second guessing everything I say and do.

I should say that I have raised this with my boss, and he says that I'm working two steps ahead and jumping to conclusions that aren't true. Given actions seem to say the opposite, that's not making me any more confident.

And issues coming through in 360 feedback from 2023

what issues?

There are always issues in 360 feedback - people are specifically asked to provide areas for improvement. In 2023 I had one person who thought that I talked over them and wasn't always respectful (my boss told me this wasn't consistent feedback). I worked hard on this point and specifically asked as part of my 2024 review whether it was still a concern and was told no. This year it was more about me needing to prioritise better/delegate more (both points directly arising from my workload being unmanageable). I'm working on this, but reality is my current role can't be done by one person.

Whilst anonymous, i could work out who the 2023 feedback came from - it was personal (and my boss proactively told me this) and something this person has raised as an issue before when women junior to him (and it is women specifically) don't bend over and worship the ground he walks on. I still worked on different ways of expressing myself, and ways to improve the relationship, and was told that it wasn't a current issue.

Not trying to be defensive btw. Just trying to work out if there's a way back from this funk. Otherwise I insist on a scope reduction and coast until I find something else. Me insisting on a scope reduction is effectively me asking for a demotion in that I'm saying I want less responsibility and means me giving up.

My lack of confidence is making it worse for me, because I'm not putting myself forwards when I should be - I think I risk making myself unpromotable. There's never been a suggestion any of my decisions have been wrong btw. Sometimes there are alternative points of view, and maybe I might change my mind on discussion, but that has been pretty even both ways (my bosses being persuaded by me, or me being persuaded by them).

Honestly? I think they are just messing you around and you would be better off finding a new role where you are valued.

They seem to find excuses not to promote you and to dangle a potential future promotion so you continue to do your best and they don't have to offer you anything more.

Some of the feedback is odd as well such as being 'respectful'...is it a male dominated environment? are you from a different ethnicity/background than the majority of the staff?

I think they're messing me around too. It's frustrating because I don't want to make the wrong next career move, which means I do need to take my time.

It is a male dominated environment and this type of attitude is sadly not uncommon in the industry in my experience (I'd like to stress it's not just me - other women have gone further and actually raised grievances about this person). I don't think this is a male/female thing overall - men don't seem to be promoted more quickly than women in general.

It's a very multicultural environment so whilst I'm not the same ethnicity/background as most of the staff, that's not unusual (and I'm actually white British). I don't think this is anything to do with that.

That said, I do think showing respect is important (the word used may not actually have been respect but that's what it boiled down to) - it's important to ensure that people's opinions are heard and valued and I wouldn't want to come across as if I think it's my way or the highway. Being strong enough to disagree with opinionated people, without undermining their view, is not actually easy and if I'm not getting the balance right then I absolutely want to know that. I was told, I worked on it, and have been told I fixed it. But then I've been told a lot of things!

6 years? surely you have built up a close network of contacts in the org. No one you can go for a coffee with to find out what’s going on?

I can't think of anyone who would have the information on what is going on who would be more open with me than the people I've already spoken to but it's a good idea. Most of the people who would know are either in my direct management chain or are unlikely to have a come to Jesus conversation with me, because it would be undermining the messaging my boss has decided to give me.

Maybe there's a way that I can frame the discussion as a 'career advice' type conversation i.e. see if someone is clearly being more positive about career progression options outside the company rather than internally. Might be worth a try.

Doesn't get my further with my initial question though! I need to get my self-belief back!

It sounds like they are pushing you out, and hoping you will leave of your own accord. I would look for something else as I wouldn't rule out a redundancy/pip coming your way at your next review.

than the people I've already spoken to

and what have they said?

Doesn't get my further with my initial question though! I need to get my self-belief back!

but it might actually be down to something out do need to address and resolve

Then later in the year, I was told out of the blue the promotion I was working towards (which I had been led to believe was close to a done deal) was being delayed because key decision makers within the company didn't believe I was ready. This is despite other people being promoted with less experience, and less theoretical responsibility than me (

what was your response to being told this? did they give any indication as to what you need to do and when you may be considered?

it sounds like you need to be job hunting op and the option to coast for a decade won’t be a possibility

Just to be clear - I am of course job hunting! There's just not that much out there at the right level in my field and I don't want to accept a backwards move (and pay cut) until I have no choice. I am listening to what people are saying - please don't take my responses as anything else.

If I go by the words people at work are saying to me, I have absolutely no reason to have my confidence at rock bottom. If I didn't think there was a real possibility I was catastrophizing (which I am prone to do), I'd just accept my lot and put my energy into something else.

The people I have spoken to so far, including my boss, have said it's all in my head, that I shouldn't read anything into anything, and that I absolutely am still on a promotion path it just needed to be delayed six months because they didn't have all of their ducks in line - effectively I was caught in internal politics (there tends to be a bit of trading around 'I support your report for promotion, and you support mine') plus I didn't qualify on a technicality. My boss apologized and said it was his fault because he'd taken his eye off the ball and missed that someone needed more convincing to approve and that all I needed to do was carry on doing what I was doing. The only thing bandied around was needing more 'executive presence' and that was said in the context of 'everyone is told this'. I had a director (not in my direct organization) come up to me in the last two weeks and comment (unprompted) 'of course you'll be promoted very soon'. Work friends haven't given me any hint there's an issue when I've had a rant (they might not know, and also might not want to have to break the news to me).

They're not saying I'm perfect, of course not, but also this isn't a promotion to CEO - everyone around me has been promoted at around the point I'm at now and its a large multinational. Honestly I had thought of it as being routine - hence why it's hit my confidence so much because the news came completely out of the blue. I can accept I have things I need to work on, but I think that my confidence is now one of the things holding me back.

I note the comments re redundancy/PIP but if what they want is to manage me out, why give me the verbal assurances? I can completely understand if they've decided I'm not promotable but that they don't want to lose me, and so are stringing me along. It doesn't make sense in the context of redundancy/PIP where they want me to leave (but hey big corporate and so never say never).

“i am of course job hunting”

ok, but you don’t say that once in op or follow ups 🤷

If I go by the words people at work are saying to me, I have absolutely no reason to have my confidence at rock bottom.
The people I have spoken to so far, including my boss, have said it's all in my head,

how can your boss say that when you were sidelined from a project and was told explicitly that you weren’t ready for a promotion and then had to watch much junior colleagues be promoted?

you being told not to carry on preparing for promotion whilst other more junior were promoted…. was that “in your head”?!

I would leave but also question whether you had enough evidence to pull a case together for age discrimination

Trying not to get defensive here but the OP says "I have been actively looking for other options there's little interesting out there" and I have said similar things multiple times.

The colleagues that have been promoted - were they at the same level as you previously and now been promoted a level above? Are they in the same role as you or different? Just asking because not all businesses promote purely on merit - it might be that there was a role in a particular area that these colleagues were promoted to fill.

FWIW when I felt undervalued at work I eventually left. I had applied for an internal position (effectively a promotion) and didn't get it (fine), but it was then indicated a number of times that there would be future promotion opportunities for me but 2 years down the line and despite a restructure nothing materialised. By then I was working at an even higher level and effectively at a grade above. The restructure also meant that I had less project decision making capacity (not personal, but a change to bring my former area of the business more on a level with the rest of the business), and more line management responsibility.

I was a bit sad to leave but the whole experience had made me feel so undervalued by leadership. I wouldn't say I lost my confidence though, I just ended up feeling bitter but maybe I should have been more resilient. I do think you should try to project an air of confidence if possible - you are obviously self aware enough to know how you are coming across.

why would you be “getting defensive”?

i made an error
you pointed it out
🤷

Everyone does slightly different roles, and it's not a case of 'only so many can be promoted'. I'm trying to think of a good example, but maybe think of it being an HR department with several HR advisors, and this is promotion to senior HR advisor. Some people are supporting business lines with 1000 staff, and some people are supporting business lines with 200 staff - but of course those 200 staff might be more senior, and so you can't directly compare. How many staff your business line has isn't something that matters for promotion so it's discounted. So (using this example) the fact the job of supporting my business line is actually much more difficult than supporting someone else's business line isn't considered when deciding promotion. But it is the reason why I've been told me leaving would be a problem for the team (but who knows - maybe they tell everyone that).

Apparently I shouldn't compare myself to others as promotions are based on individual merit and it's not the case that one person being promoted stops another being promoted. The technicality that was used as one of the reasons to stop me didn't apply to others (long story that I can't explain without being outing and not related to anything I could control). If I'd been told that was the reason from the start, that would be more believable.

But yes I agree - the words don't match the actions.

Equally my boss could probably give a completely different view point on all of this and say that given the seriousness of the concern on the project, anyone at my level would have been sidelined and the promotion thing is just my bad luck for falling foul of the technicality. I think the reason I'm doubting what seems to be clear evidence to me is that my boss is actually a decent guy - he's been my boss for 6 years and I new him before I took this job. I wouldn't expect him to gaslight me.

I don't think it's age discrimination btw. I think it's potentially that I'm not the sort of person they see at the next level (quite possibly disability discrimination but I don't really want to go there - I will if they did PIP me and I'm needing to negotiate a higher payout!).