I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on how to return from a major confidence hit at work.
The background below is long so to keep things short for people who don't want to read the navel gazing essay: I have been given reason at work to doubt my ability, and as a result am in a spiral where I'm projecting to others less confidence in my ability, leading them to doubt my ability and lose trust, which gives me more reason to doubt and so on. I see my options now as either to stay at my current company and in effect give up on career growth (I'm about 10 years off retirement so could look to coast until then) or get another job. I'm trying to work out if there is a third option which is a way back from this.
** Long background 888
I'm middle management, in my late 40s, with a much higher level of responsibility than is normal at my grade. A major issue hit at the beginning of the year and more senior management swooped in and took over decisions that would normally be mine. The issue wasn't because of anything I had or hadn't done - something like my client being unhappy with the way another team had been performing and because this client was a particularly large one, senior management took over decisions and communication with the client, whereas normally it would be entirely left for me to run how to manage the relationship (with oversight of course). [Not the situation but trying not to be outing]. That hit my confidence because I was entirely cut out of the relationship - it wasn't a case of people wanting more oversight, or disagreeing with my decisions but I lost my seat at the table, had my decisions overruled in meetings in front of the client, and generally got the impression that whilst people were happy for me to manage the day to day contact with the big client, I wasn't trusted when the shit hit the fan. That lack of trust may or may not have been justified, but it was a major confidence hit and led to me questioning my ability to make any material decisions without sign off. Decisions that 3 years ago I wouldn't think about, I'm now questioning myself on whether I need to get my boss's ok on.
Then later in the year, I was told out of the blue the promotion I was working towards (which I had been led to believe was close to a done deal) was being delayed because key decision makers within the company didn't believe I was ready. This is despite other people being promoted with less experience, and less theoretical responsibility than me (say I'm managing client relationships worth 100m a year and I've been doing my role (and being appraised as a top performer) for three years, and people have been promoted where they're managing relationships worth 10m and only being in role for two years (don't know what their appraisals have been obviously). I'm not saying that these people don't deserve their promotions and my boss says this isn't a reflection on me, but the reality is I interpret this as the company saying I'm not as good as my colleagues who were promoted.
I've been in this company 6 years. I have been promoted in that time. Before I joined this company I was always a top performer, moving much much faster through promotions than the norm. I'm also a career changer and so started this career with more experience of work (if not of client management). At my current company, if anything I'm moving slower than the norm.
As a result, my confidence is at rock bottom and I am myself withdrawing from decision making, asking for reductions in responsibilities (to be more 'normal' for someone in my position), and letting others talk for me. I've been in burnout and am slowly dragging myself out again, but that in itself doesn't help because in itself it means I tend to self-doubt.
I was at an internal event last week, and actively avoided sitting with more senior leadership because I felt that it wasn't appropriate for me as I'm too junior. Last year I would have just sat there and wouldn't have questioned myself (and it wouldn't have been inappropriate).
I was discussing options for other jobs with a long term friend who is senior in my industry last week (and has previously managed me) and got the feedback that I was materially underplaying myself and that he didn't understand why I wasn't looking at more senior (external roles), and that he hadn't seen me like this before.
There's lots more to the above of course, and I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I don't have things to work on. I'm not even saying I should be promoted. I've had several months to think now, and I just don't think I'm ready to accept I've hit my limit and that this is as far as I get in my career, and have been actively looking for other options there's little interesting out there. So looking for help from the Mumsnet hive mind on whether there is a way to turn this around - ultimately I know it needs to start with me but I don't know how to start.