Colleague issues

[Logslogs]

I work in a senior NHS role, within a very specialised small team. I joined a single colleague in this role some time ago. I was aggressively recruited. Moving jobs is not an option.

My colleague is widely acknowledged to be “difficult”. Long story short this colleague refuses to discuss annual leave, refuses to cross cover, accuses me of hogging the department resources, triangulates, does not reply to emails for months and sends incomprehensible replies when he does. In meetings alternates between accusing me of bullying (subtly rather than overtly) and claiming I have said things which I am certain I have not. Mediation failed as it was just hours of assassinating my character rather than discussing any actual workplace issues.

Management are morally supportive but not being proactive and basically insist that I must continue to work with him, where he has been consistently unwilling to work with me. I am extremely overworked and fear I am rapidly becoming burnt out.

I have had some coaching sessions who have advised me to use a grey rock technique- which I am working on but there needs to be some communication within such a small department for any progress to be made. I’m looking for tips on how to manage to be a grey rock within a professional setting?

I’m not sure grey rock is appropriate within a senior NhS setting . I am also NHS.
I would be keeping a file of evidence and go back to management . They did to be the arbitrator for annual leave cross cover etc.

I would refuse to go into bat with him stating that you are unwilling to have constant conflict. They will get sick of having to arbitrate and do something about it. Make it a management problem .

In a situation like this I would document EVERYTHING to cover your ass.

After a meeting send an email: "To summarise our meeting regarding x, it was decided I would YZ and you would ABC" type thing.

I have been doing this but they struggle to deal with him so I feel it’s all just constantly pushed back to me. I then struggle with feeling that I’m in conflict with everyone!

The grey rock idea is for meetings where I tend to become very stressed, anxious and defensive (which I fully recognise is unhelpful). For example the coach has suggested that I avoid eye contact and that I have some core phrases I repeat - example “this is not factually accurate” or “let’s get back to the agenda” to try avoid a downward spiral. I suppose it’s about setting boundaries in a professional manner.

Brightstar I have documented everything. What tends to happen is that colleague takes issue with what I have documented and sends an alternative (fantasy) version of events. For this reason I now refuse to meet them without another person being present but this also has resulted in colleague repeating untruths repeatedly while asking that his statements be minuted and (I believe) trying to goad me into behaving unprofessionally. I am honestly at the end of my tether and my sanity is being greatly tested regularly.

They likely knew he was a problem to work with and no-one else would hence the aggressive recruitment of you!
I know of a dept where it's really difficult to recruit to and staff don't stay due to a "tricky senior". Managers would rather have regular turnover and long vacancies than deal with the core problem.

Honestly, they're not going to do anything about him if they would have by now.
I'd get out, even if it's not quite in your area of specialty until something else comes along.

Have you spoken to your Freedom to Speak up Guardian? And, have you reported this to your Union? Both of these groups should be able to expedite this for you... also look at raising a formal grievance.

I would continue to log and document everything. As he doesn’t want to work with you, I would suggest that you fight fire with fire and no longer work with him. Do your bit of the job - cc your colleague and your manager and do no more. Book your annual leave, don’t cover him and only respond to him in meetings with factual answers. Give zero fucks. Look after your mental health. Look for another job.

I have discussed at length with union who feel that because it’s very insidious behaviour that a grievance will get me nowhere.

Cucumber I think the issue is that he claims to want “to work together and improve our relationship”. It’s just that his actions speak differently. For example every single days leave I have requested this year has been contested. I have had minimal time off with my young children as a result. I feel this is unlikely to be coincidental because colleague does not have children (yet wants every midterm and school holiday off).

Why does he have the power to contest every
day off? Why do you both need to be there to do your job?

This person sounds like a narcissist or possibly even a psychopath. I am not exaggerating. For these reasons I don’t think the usual rules apply as they don’t behave normally (ie documenting everything, going to management via usual routes etc.) I think it is unlikely this person will change.

Is there anyone higher up in your trust you can escalate this to? Is there anyone in a parallel team you can get to corroborate your story?

Once these people have substantive posts it can be incredibly difficult to get them out. I have known of a few instances where it has been possible but has needed backing of many other senior colleagues and took a long time. Essentially I think that’s what I think needs to happen based on what you’ve said.

I really feel for you.

One of us needs to be here for cross cover. I probably give in too often because every time I request leave I am bombarded with emails explaining why his leave is needed more than my leave. I cc our line manager into every leave email and I am then accused of “dragging others into our dispute”. It’s just generally exhausting.

Can you draw up a spreadsheet for your requested leave dates and when they have been contested by your colleague. Then the outcome - which sounds like it is 90% of the time they get the leave?
as you can’t agree there does need to be an intermediate person- you can’t just not take your leave - as you say you will burn out and it sounds like they really need you!

Just- I have actually done that. It’s even more complicated because colleague will often switch leave dates at the last minute. So for example he apparently needed the entire portion of a recent school holiday off. He then actually turned up to work and said he was happy for me to now have the time. But obviously as my kids are young I had already booked childcare and it would have been too short notice for me to go. But he will argue that he didn’t actually take the days. I think I’m past the point of trying to argue, I just want to maintain my sanity for the next few years at which point he will be at retirement age.

He's a psychopath. There are no tactics that will stop him or work around him. I would simply tell your manager that you refuse to work with him anymore. Do your job, any communication with him do it through your manager. Book your holidays exactly when you want. Don't speak to him or email him.

Life is too short for this - I see now why you won’t win this battle - go sick with stress - find another job. Good luck.

So he is basically just messing with your head and making you suffer for no reason. What an absolute a***e.

Assuming you are clinical, I’d definitely be going as high up the management chain as possible- sit them down and say you cannot work with this person any longer. You will fulfil your weekly job planned commitments but all leave requests should be agreed by someone independent so that it is fair. Leave should not be cancelled last minute and then the days offered to you - clearly this is no way to live as you can’t plan holidays/childcare etc.

Leave should be on the calendar 6 weeks beforehand (barring any emergency leave needed).

Grey rock in a work environment is surely crap advice?! You’ll just end up being accused of not engaging or communicating.

Does this guy actually do good job? Are your management pleased with the job he's doing? If yes, you're probably on a hiding to nothing and will need to just bite the bullet and find something else. I know you say moving is not an option but ruining your own health should also not be an option.

If the opposite is true, I would suggest you take yourself out of the situation. I don't say this lightly, because I think there are situations where people do take this decision lightly, but I don't think anyone would blame you if you took some time off for stress. His behaviour/performance will be much more visible. Even if they do get someone in to cover for you, I am sure they will soon be reporting the same issues.

Ensure you are very clear that the reason you are on sick leave is work related stress. Resist attempts to force you back and no doubt you will soon be meeting with Occupational Health. Be very clear with them why you are stressed.

If after that management, the union, etc, don't take it more seriously, then again, moving does have to become an option but, equally, an offer might be made to you to ease the way. Nothing is worth your health.

No they are not happy with the work, and there have been previous attempts to manage him out which I believe have backfired. There’s a huge backstory which I obviously can’t share but basically things got very nasty. Promises have been made to me by management but I think his behaviours and tactics mean it’s easier for them to give in than to discipline him. I have considered taking stress related leave but don’t want to punish patients and don’t want to be seen as being as manipulative as colleague is.

Just go off sick with stress. Wish I had done.

In this situation you have to be completely selfish and completely prioritise your own wellbeing. Don't get caught up in trying to "beat" him or prove anything. He's a known problem, your managers have put you in an impossible situation, it's their job to sort it out.

Just do your job without any communication with him.

If your manager not selling with this then they should hang their head in shame.

Indeed they should but I’m afraid they are not! Ideally I would just do my own job and ignore him but we share a team of staff and cross cover is needed (though I’m reliably informed that it is not provided when I am not at work). At present I’m doing almost all of the department work- for example I’m the only one attending meetings with wider teams/management because he’s impossible to work with. I’m exhausted and feel like such a failure for being unable to deal with this. Plenty food for thought here, thanks to everyone.

Listen really carefully. You are not a failure. At all. Stop exhausting yourself. Go to 50% of the departmental meetings. Stop covering for his underperformance and difficulty. You are creating an opt-out for your managers and you will do yourself damage.

Women are too accommodating. What do you think a man would do in this situation? Would he doubt his abilities or would he acknowledge the situation is fucked up?