Colleague issues

[Logslogs]

I work in a senior NHS role, within a very specialised small team. I joined a single colleague in this role some time ago. I was aggressively recruited. Moving jobs is not an option.

My colleague is widely acknowledged to be “difficult”. Long story short this colleague refuses to discuss annual leave, refuses to cross cover, accuses me of hogging the department resources, triangulates, does not reply to emails for months and sends incomprehensible replies when he does. In meetings alternates between accusing me of bullying (subtly rather than overtly) and claiming I have said things which I am certain I have not. Mediation failed as it was just hours of assassinating my character rather than discussing any actual workplace issues.

Management are morally supportive but not being proactive and basically insist that I must continue to work with him, where he has been consistently unwilling to work with me. I am extremely overworked and fear I am rapidly becoming burnt out.

I have had some coaching sessions who have advised me to use a grey rock technique- which I am working on but there needs to be some communication within such a small department for any progress to be made. I’m looking for tips on how to manage to be a grey rock within a professional setting?

I wonder if you should discuss your situation with an employment lawyer. I think management are failing you. Life is too short. Either you don’t work with him or you find a new job and leave, perhaps with a settlement.

The thing is, this guy is a psychopath and/or sociopath. The normal rules don't apply. I've had experience of this. You can't win by playing the normal rules. Whatever you try he will be two steps ahead with zero fucks given for normal standards of behaviour. He's already lying to OP's face.

My relative encountered one of these men. After months of similar bad behaviour she tried to challenge him and he picked up a chair and threw it across the office at her. No one else saw but they heard the noise, came in and saw it lying on the floor beside her. He swore blind that she had knocked it over herself and her assault accusation was bullying and victimisation. She wasn't backed up by management. She ended up as a voluntary patient in a psychiatric hospital and took years to recover.

There's just no reasoning with some people!

This sounds godawful!
i wonder how he is with patients? And the team you share? I’d be shocked if there were not plenty of evidence in those two groups of his unsuitableness to practice.

What a cunt he is.

Your managers really need to get a backbone and manage him out or just sack him.

I'd go on sickness leave and say exactly why, document everything.

The examples you have given are not insidious; they are sneaky but blatant and provable.

Please don't reach a point where you have no choice and are totally burn out. I completely understand that you are worried for your patients but please reflect on whether it is better for you to step back and fight vs being completely incapacitated.

Mark these days holiday he rescinds down with his reasoning and use that for your grievance or for when he contests holiday again. You need to refuse to give up the days you request for him and state why. If management accuse you of dragging them into your dispute id remind them it's their job. If they refuse to support, go off on stress leave, state he's gaslighting and bullying you and management are no support. When you return request HR and occupational health support you

Thank you. With regards to the rest of the team I think they mostly communicate with me, so they don’t get the brunt of it. People who have left have cited his behaviour in the past however. A lot of food for thought here, thanks to everyone.

Why is changing jobs not an option? It seems to me that it is your only option. Either you leave with your sanity or without it, bluntly. You need to get out of there. Management don’t have your back and all that will happen is that you will be left to struggle with this til it overwhelms you.

Clementine- I am in a pretty niche field and there are no options for me which do not involve uprooting my family and moving house/schools etc.I have a child with SEN, moving him would be an absolute last resort.

Out- the examples may not seem insidious when written like this but when viewed from a string of emails etc they will look very much like a simple personality clash. They are very cleverly worded and in meetings will insist on some catch phrases being minuted which are generally along the lines of “I wish for us to work together and improve our relationship by agreeing on compromise”. It’s just that in reality he wants me to do all the work and me to make all the compromise.

I recognise that I sound defeatist but I really just want to find a way to get through the next few years without making myself ill.

I’m sorry to hear that. In that case I don’t know what to suggest I’m afraid. I think he will wear you down, whatever you do.