Can't bear the creepy new assistant

[Germainesays]

I'm embarrassed to admit this because I've worked in offices for decades and coped with all sorts of people, but there's something about the new assistant that makes my skin crawl and sets off my fight/ flight response. I've tried rising above, I've tried avoiding and throwing a metaphorical protective shield around me, but after a month, when I hoped things would have settled down and I'd have been able to overcome my response to her, I feel even more 'Aaaaagh, get her away from me' than ever before. I'm female, by the way. Reading this back I realised that it might look as if I'm male.

I try to be an appropriately open and friendly colleague. I try to keep things professional, non-gossipy but cordial and polite. I seem to get on fine with most people.

The new woman is very intrusive. I've watched her in action and she picks up on little things people say and prods and interrogates them until they tell her more than they are comfortable with. She's a gossip and uses information she's gathered to spark dramas and stir things up. She has several times told me things that apparently my colleagues have said hoping, I suspect, for a response from me. I've ignored but a couple of people have been lured into the game and there's been tension.

In my very first conversation with her she was clearly fishing regarding office politics and personal stuff and it's gone on in the same vein — all too personal, too nosy. She finds sexual innuendo in the most benign remark and is constantly making physical contact. Earlier this week I had to sit beside her while talking her through a process on the computer. She moved her chair so that she was squashed up hard against me: not just brushing me occasionally, but snuggled up into me from shoulder to hip, with her thigh against mine. I moved my chair away and said 'We're at work, please give me some space' and she said 'Oh, you're one of those who don't like human contact, are you?' She also comes too close when speaking to people: she literally gets in peoples' faces and touches them — I've seen her grab someone's arm and then not let go when it's clear they want to step away.

I'm not the only person to be struggling with her and there have been quiet exchanges with other colleagues and eyes rolled. But I seem to be the most triggered by her and don't feel that I want to spend the last couple of years of my working life in her presence. I know it sounds ridiculous but it's a very strong, visceral response that I can't control.

I've never had to approach management about anything like this before and am scared of being accused of prejudice or being told I'm unreasonable and to get over it. What do I say? What do I ask for? What happens when someone who's been in post several years, without issues, goes to a manager and says they can't work with a new team member?

PS We worked from home during Covid but have been back in the office 4 days out of five for the last year. I could ask for an extra day wfh, I suppose, but as I'm in a supervisory position I'm not sure it would be granted.

Her comments are definitely sexual harassment, esp to the member of staff that want to the cinema.

You and your manager need to pull her up on it , no innuendo, no inappropriate language, no touching, no encroaching person space .

Also her work needs improvement by x % , in x time.

It would be a good idea to speak to each of your members of staff ( individually) and let them know you are addressing the problem but they can come to you if they have any concerns.

It would be a good idea to speak to each of your members of staff ( individually) and let them know you are addressing the problem but they can come to you if they have any concerns

No it wouldn't.

Yes,.speak to her. Yes, take any complaints from others seriously. But don't lead staff into making complaints unless you want to be on the wrong side of a constructive dismissal case.

@Collexifon
The feelings you are getting are transference. She reminds you of someone or something from your past.

While this may be the case in some circumstances, its not here , the annoying member of staff is doing it to several colleagues.
Even if she was 'just' doing it to @Germainesays it is still highly inappropriate.

Yes I agree.

I think when you talk to manager you should say something like:

'my experience has been / my research has shown that people like this go on to become very difficult employees. They cause good employees to leave, and take up a lot of time and resources before they are let go. In my view we will save ourselves a world of pain if we do not pass her probation."

@Collexifon , the main reason I say let staff know that they can go to @Germainesays to voice their concerns is the annoying employee sounds like she is very dominant and staff may be worried about going up against her . I wouldn't want them to think they are alone when been made to feel uncomfortable.

Before you speak to her, go see HR.
You need to have them in the room when you speak to her...
Cover your ass...

Speak to HR about how you can ensure she is dismissed. Don't leave it until it is beyond the probation period.

'Your sexual banter/innuendos are not wanted in the office. Stop them now. I am your manager. When I have to speak to you about an issue, you absolutely do not tell me, "I'm not fun." Neither of these from you are appropriate. If it happens again, I will take further action.'
Send by email. Don't copy your manager but have a meeting with them to let them know of the issues.

It's not transference. This woman's behaviour is objectively inappropriate and affects not just the OP but her colleagues too.

People like this woman who openly and consistently ignore boundaries, are communicating that they're dangerous. That's why you experience a fear response when you're near her. But your fear is stopping you from acting. You've gone into freeze and fawn, rather than fight.

It's not your problem to solve why she is the way she is, or coach her towards more pro social behaviour. The fact is that she doesn't do the work she's supposed to do and she's disruptive to the rest of the team. You're having to spend time monitoring her behaviour and intervening to protecting your colleagues from her boundary violations.

It's totally unproductive. That's enough of a reason on its own not to pass her probation. Added to the fact she's 'not a good cultural fit', I'd just concentrate on getting rid of her asap, rather than expensing time and energy trying to adapt your own working practice to find a way to tolerate her. Just don't.

HR is a woman who works for the company for a handful of days a month from home. I would have to get my manager's agreement to arrange a Teams meeting with her. Those of you in big organisations have no idea how the other half live/ work!

Woefully poor manager that I am, even I know that suddenly calling staff in individually and tacitly encouraging complaints against the new recruit could end up in an employment tribunal.

@1989whome
Sorry, I can't seem to delete this @! Not aimed at you.

OP, I don't think you'll have too much trouble getting rid of her as long as you get the ball rolling during probation, so write down everything you can think of, your attempts to amend her behaviour, her responses, any operational issues such as the complaint mentioned.

You've been there a number of years and are known to be a sound manager. Your word will hold weight as long as you focus on examples. just get her out ASAP. Make very clear her conduct is sexually inappropriate including unwanted touching and innuendo, she has made mistakes that have reached the client, she spends increasing amounts of time not working and is looking like she will take up more and more of your time and effort to manage, and your judgement is that it would be less bother to get shut now and find another assistant than let her get through probation. Say you're happy to re-advertise the role yourself (if appropriate).

I think you'll be listened to if your LM is decent. They don't want to have to get rid of a nut case later down the line.

Oh, and no, it's not transference. I considered that very early on but I've never known anyone so intrusive and thick-skinned and relentlessly sexual before. Her behaviour is boundary-testing and aggressive in a way that she can easily laugh off ('Just having a joke, where's your sense of humour?') if someone gets shirty.

her manager needs to address these things with her, set probation objectives, do probation reviews. It can be handled as a communication development need. Get HR involved, what you dont want is anything coming back to you if the company decide to get rid so be careful and be fair, unbaised and professional

Why can’t you just have her fired?

She’s in her probationary period. Why is this a big deal?

I've never had to approach management about anything like this before and am scared of being accused of prejudice

Is she from an ethnic minority? I just wondered why you worry that prejudice would be accused.

Anyway regardless of that... IME, you will be made out to be the baddie. People like this are masterful at just-about toeing the line so you don't have anything very specific to complain about that doesn't make you sound petty.

If I were you I'd consider leaving, or taking early retirement as you mention just two years left.

Do you have a staff handbook or any staff training? I recently started a new role, and I had a ton of compulsory training on health & safety, EDI, respectful behaviour etc. There's also stuff in the staff handbook - all pretty standard stuff.

If you do, remind her to read that/ do the courses, and point out that it's not just box-ticking, it is actually hoe you're expected to behave in the workplace.

If you don't, just tell her it's not how people are expected to behave in the workplace, and she needs to stop invading people's personal space, to stop touching people, to stop making sexual innuendo and to stop prying into people's personal lives - it's fine if they freely disclose information but they must not be pressured into it. Point out that it's in everyone's interests to avoid a harassment case, but she is making people uncomfortable, and however friendly she intends to be, she's overstepping and inappropriate.

And if she complains about you being the fun police - so what? Your role is to ensure work gets on and people coexist in harmony within appropriate boundaries.

I would meet with her and explsin that her behaviour is inappropriate and outline expectations moving forward.
I've met people like this before in the workplace and unfortunately they don't see theyr behaviour as an issue as its ingrained in their personality.
Can you fail her probation ?

Hi op.

Ending her employment during probation would seem like the clear path here.

Her performance and behaviours are falling far short of the standards expected for her role.

It might help your boss take the situation seriously if you frame it as particularly needing support in dealing with the incidents of sexual harassment.

You say you’re not a good manager, but what’s happened here is you’ve encountered a situation that you’re not equipped to handle and the way a good manager deals with that is requesting the necessary support, training and resources from their superior. No one is brilliant at everything; it’s much more important to be able to recognise what you’re not good at so you don’t over reach.

Dig out the relevant company policies - if there isn’t one that’s another issue your superior needs to know about.

I’m long retired now. In my career with various businesses I’ve had two people very like this one. Your employee seems to want to do anything rather than work. If they pass probation your company will suffer.

#1: the process of shedding #1 was relatively easy as my boss was brilliant at listening and understanding, ie: would wait for you to finish points in a meeting. Within 2-3 weeks they were gone.

#2: was completely different with my boss (different boss) not taking points on board at all. Shortly after that he tried to turn it back on me. He got HR involved and the HR head paid me a visit, making it very clear that dismissal was ‘not on the cards’. Crazy, as that person was stealing from the company, often coming in very late, disappearing on site (big site) and claiming they were at A office or B office. (easily checked of course) Sick days were a big thing for them as well. To me those issues are all stealing, and obviously very unfair to colleagues.

For #2 it became a VERY long drawn out process taking up a lot of time for everybody. I was working extra unpaid hours as he was skiving so much.

Neither of them were probationary.

In essence I guess you’re reliant on your manager to take it seriously. Think carefully about how to approach it. Lots of good advice above.

Gosh she sounds exactly like a woman I worked with. Name doesn’t rhyme with Duly!!!

No. What happened with your over-familiar colleague?

Its not the same person OP as I work for a very very large employer.. But this type is not unusual- I have only met a few in my work life, but you can spot them a mile off.

In another job, I was in a self directed team and we had a new recruit. We tried really hard with her, but she could not pick up what she was supposed to do and resisted any feedback/help/support/training about the job, even though she was fairly new the industry. In the end we had so many complaints from other people in the organization, and so many concerns, we made a list and gave them to our very uninvolved line manager. She, being lazy, useless and stupid (she did an overnight flit a few months later, cleared out her office after most people had gone home and never came back) gave the list to the new coworker. You can imagine what happened - the hostility became all out war. And even though she was awful (she actually injured me one day by throwing a file at me) we were told to get on with it. It was horrible - and I remember thinking at as much as I felt it was unfair on us, and poor management, I also felt really bad for our co worker - it was obvious she was struggling to do the job, and you could see her going downhill. It became clear she had a serious problem and had held it together for the interview and a few weeks after, but could not keep it under control for longer.

The situation went on for about 9 months, and only ended because there was a very very serious complaint about her from a client - think massive problems if the regulatory body got involved. She then promptly went onto sick leave, ran out the time on that, took us to tribunal and fought all the way. She was actually so badly behaved in the tribunal she was told she would be removed and there would be further consequences if she did not stop shouting.

About 3 - 4 years later, I was reading the monthly magazine from my professional body, which had a monthly report on anyone reported to the ethics board (we needed a license to do our job). And there was my former co worker. The actual details of what she had done were glossed over but it did say she had had to undergo mandatory psychological testing and had been diagnosed with several MH conditions, a personality disorder and had prescription medication misuse. She was permanently banned from working in our industry - would never be able to earn and keep a license for the work we were doing. It all felt so tragic. I truly think if she was honest or open with us and open to our help, we could have made it work. But very soon after she arrived, she was a massive problem. Dont get me wrong, we had other co workers who I did not care for, but with this person it was a whole other level of issue.

The moral of this story - when someone is this problematic so early, rip the plaster off. Now. Dont drag it out. She is in probation, you have multiple instances of concerning behaviour, tell her she not fitting into the culture of the organization and has been disrespectful so you will not continue with her employment. If there is any hint that the people above you wont back you up, put your concerns in writing and tell them you will not supervise/support her due to her egregious behaviour.

I feel for you. Good luck.

@Germainesays
I only worked for one large company in my life and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The rest of the time I worked alone or with one other person.
And I never had to endure anyone like this.
I simply can’t imagine the day-to-day stress of being around someone who makes every encounter so uncomfortable that you begin to hate going into work every day.
And it’s far worse for you because of your position in the company.
I sincerely hope your co-manager takes you seriously — I can’t imagine he won’t, but maybe having the backup of everybody else she’s made uncomfortable in the workplace will help.
I wish you the best of luck.