Would you take this job?

[CherryBangBang]

I'm in two minds.

It's being the 1-1 carer for a 50 year old lady who suffered a catastrophic brain injury as a baby.

She has no personal care needs, no mobility issues and she is very active.

The role involves never ever leaving her alone, not even for a second and accompanying her to swimming, and to her voluntary roles

She works twice a week in two retail outlets. Her work is voluntary and involves just a couple of hours straightening the shelves (which she apparently loves to do) and the carer role is to stand by her side, offering encouragement and making sure shes happy and eyes on her at all times

The remainder of the job role is taking her to places. She loves visiting towns, going shopping, having a coffee , theme parks etc etc

The money is reasonably decent too.

However , having met her (with her mum) I'm torn. She is very anxious and needs constant reassuring. Her brain injury is such that she will repeat herself constantly. You cannot use any words that trigger her (such as 'hurry up' or 'let's go now' for example). She has severe OCD so I would always have to park the car with the wheels straight and perfectly aligned all round. (I'm not the world's greatest reverse Parker!) She will not accept you even glancing at your personal mobile as it makes her agitated. (However she understands a work mobile is allowed)

And - crucially - the hours seem a little ... vague. It's 18 hours , over 3 days, 9.15/3pm BUT if she decided she'd like to pop to a shop / go for a cake etc at say, 2:45pm, this is expected to be accommodated - along with ad hoc evenings for a cinema trip and weekends to drive to different towns etc

I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking. I met her and she's a lovely lady, BUT she's HIGHLY anxious and I worry I wouldn't be able to keep her happy and stress free (I'd sat down for the chat with her mum and her too, and popped my handbag by my thigh on the chair as I sat down and this stressed her because bags do not belong on a chair.
Of course I moved it to where she was happy with but I suppose I'm concerned that I'm going to inadvertently make a lot of errors like this and the last thing I'd want is to upset or worry her

Any thoughts? Thank you

Ha yes! That's what I'm asking!

I really need to have some boundaries around my hours. I have other outside interests, a second little job and family stuff etc

I can't have a job where I am expected to maybe float past an agreed finish time really. So is it rude of me to bring this up ?

I would ask for a trial day. You will likeky know tge answer to yoyr questio then.

18 hours , over 3 days, 9.15/3pm BUT if she decided she'd like to pop to a shop / go for a cake etc at say, 2:45pm, this is expected to be accommodated - along with ad hoc evenings for a cinema trip and weekends to drive to different towns etc

Based on this alone, this job would not be for me. It doesn’t sound like you could have plans/appts after work just in case, and how often will ad hoc evenings and weekends become? They should have an evening/weekend carer for that.

It would probably help people if you shared the salary though. ‘Reasonably decent’ is subjective.

@JoyousPinkPeer yes, we have just this moment agreed a 3 day paid trial.

And yes I suppose I'll know from there whether it's something I'm going to be up to

@loropianalover this is definitely a lady who loves to be pit and about. 7 days a week. She has a carer on Tuesdays and Thursdays but weekends seem a bit of a free for all - and mum definitely wants her to be active and out

Salary wise ... £15 an hour. I think that's fairly good BUT I really can't be hugely flexible in terms of staying on an extra hour etc so this worries me. Doesn't have to be to the dot of 3pm for example but I suspect I'll - mentally - be finished by then if nothing else

I wouldn't.
I had a similar job which was only temporary, and by the end of it, I was worn out.

I was also a hair's breadth from murdering the lady.

@TheShellBeach i don't want there to be any murders

I think I'll see how the trial goes as then I'll know if my boundaries are going to be respected too

I’d do the trial just to see but I’m not tempted by your description OP! Will you struggle to find something else? £15 isn’t much especially if there’s an expectation to stay late. It doesn’t sound like this lovely lady can handle/understand boundaries too well, it may work for others but I couldn’t cope with the uncertainty each day.

Fuck no. That would not be the job for me.

@loropianalover I just need a few hours a week really, it appealed because it's local with no personal care. I already work so just a little add on

But yeah - I'm not sure I'm up to it all tbh! I've never straightened my car wheels when I park for decades so this alone will be a challenge!

How do you go for a pee during this time? If you can't be eyes off for a second? Or prep food?

Or handle an emergency like a tyre puncture, car crash, or lesser issues like spilt food or drink?

What will her response be if someone or something triggers her? Can you handle that response?

Thanks for that @LadyCrumpet - appreciate a nice robust response

I think I'll see what's what after this trial. I'm concerned I'll be mentally drained with having to constantly check myself that I'm saying the right stuff - tone of voice is crucial for this lady apparently - there's to be no 'firm but kind' talk - and this is probably how I would veer towards being.

She does not like being what she perceives to be 'bossed about' although she understands she needs a 'friend' with her all the time

I'm also unsure about how I nip to the loo or grab a break. She cannot be left for a single second ever

@ButtSurgery I need to ask about the eating / visiting the loo thing

Re her being triggered - there is no kicking off. She is very patient. What happens is she will go very quiet and start to pick at her hands until they bleed. She will do this if very anxious and unsettled

From my own personal experience of working 1-1 with a ‘bolter’ at a SEN school, no way. But that’s me though.
I was in my 40s at that time, I have 3 children who were that much younger, life was and remains full, and the job absolutely exhausted me. I was a bit undone by the time quit. It’s not for me, this type of work. Not because I don’t care. I have loads of care and compassion. I don’t have the stamina, energy, or patience anymore.

Surely she needs two carers. OP, you can’t not go to the toilet or grab lunch.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater that does sound tough. And I'm not sure I have it in me either!

She's not a bolter though so that's something. She will not try and run anywhere or go off

She's just incredibly vulnerable. She's friendly and chatty and super trusting but you speak in the wrong tone or attempt to rush her and she will become very anxious etc

She told me that she likes me a lot and she is a good boss bless her 😀

@SerenityNowInsanityLater yes so do the hours need to be such that I won't require a break? Not sure.

And on paper, a day trip to a city to mooch around sounds quite nice but I suspect the reality will just about do me in.

I can't bring her into a toilet cubicle with me can I? Nor would I want to.

And things like period issues - I sometimes need to pop to the loo every hour. And the blanket ban on mobile phone use - I categorically would never sit there scrolling the net but I do check my phone - just to check all well with my own kids (err one is an adult and the other older - but I idly check in for various reasons!)

Can't you just tell her it's your work phone?
How is she going to know the difference?

@TheShellBeach she told me in our interview yesterday that her OCD means she doesn't miss a trick

Her exact words!

So she knows alright!

this sounds like the plot for an episode of Inside Number 9!

Sounds utterly awful!

The trial sounds like a good way to see if you're a good fit for eachother.
From what you are saying though, it does sound like she needs 2 people rather than 1. Nobody can watch another person continually. I certainly wouldn't want to- tbh it doesn't sound very enjoyable. Some of the rules sound very challenging- the parking, the not putting your bag in certain places..
I would also explain that whilst I may be able to stay later on occasions, my hours are my hours an there needs to be a fixed clocking off time and set weekends.
Be great if you could chat with her previous carer? Wonder why she left?
Does the Mother come across as reasonable?
You could easily pick up care work that fits around what suits you so unless there's a reason you particularly think this role would suit, I think I'd be inclined to swerve it.
Lots of much easier one to one care roles out there too.
But, do your trial, you may well love it.
Good luck. Come back and let us know!

Aw OP the more info you give I think her caring needs are not set up properly and it wouldn’t be fair on you to be doing this alone!

Sounds like she needs 2 carers but really they should be focusing on some more classes or courses for her to keep her mind occupied. She’d still have plenty of time to hit the shops etc but sounds like she’d benefit from a few hours of arts and crafts class, photography, anything she’s interested in. Knowing a more definite ‘plan’ for each day could help her nerves.

@snowlady4 thank you

And that's the thing! I've never done care work and I'm not drawn to it. However I know I have the capacity to properly look after someone if that makes sense?

I have my own affiliate marketing business and also do 8 hours a week as an estate agent so it's pretty new to me!

Her other carer has been with her for 15 years! But she only does a couple of days.

I understand there's been an awful lot who have come and gone

And that's a good idea - asking if I can chat to her other carer. Thanks

@FunnysInLaJardin let's hope it doesn't end in a gruesome fashion al an Onside No9!!