Unhealthily intense relationship with my boss

[Emotionalsobriety]

I work for an entrepreneur. We both suspect we have ADHD.

We are both considered inspirational bosses by those who have worked for us.

a year ago he imposed some changes which he knew I would disagree with. He avoided discussing them. For months I had to manage the blowback from my team. I confided in another manager that I was worried team members would leave. I probably spoke badly/loosely as I was upset. The message got reported back to boss as “she’s going to leave and take the team with her”. Long story short, I was demoted.

he and I are now trying to rebuild our relationship but our conversations are weirdly intense. Vocabulary includes words like “war”/“betrayed” (him) and “devoted/loved” (me). He sees all my relationships within the business as a threat.

it has a massive effect on me, the people who took over my role, the team and even the business (I am a founding member). His deputy (a very different person) tried to intervene which made things worse. He’s fired our HR head.

has anyone been through similar?

No OP.
Gently OP, this sounds nuts. They sound erratic, I’d be looking elsewhere for employment.

I worked for someone like this. When another team member left he called it a betrayal, wouldn't speak to her for weeks etc. Everything was always very emotional and intense. I thought he had ADHD.

It's really hard to get control of someone who is on that rollercoaster - massively enthused by their own ideas, overlooking what actually matters at that point in time because of wrongly-directed enthusiasm, plus favouritism to people because of perceiving them to be loyal.

I couldn't clearly see how toxic it was at the time, it's only looking back I see how misplaced it all was. I was well looked after because I fell in the 'loyal' camp, and was upset I was eventually made redundant. Now I see it was a great move to go to a different boss who actually has boundaries.

It all sounds incredibly unprofessional. Yes I have been through work weirdness and intensity. I'm autistic and worked for someone married to someone with ADHD and so likely was neurodivergent herself too. Everything was about personality and whether you were in her inner circle and not about the work

Nightmare.

This made me laugh out loud on a train.

This is him to a tee

“massively enthused by their own ideas, overlooking what actually matters at that point in time because of wrongly-directed enthusiasm, plus favouritism to people because of perceiving them to be loyal.”

Sounds like there is some unhealthy love/hate codependency going on as well. Time to move on.

Oh dead me this sounds incredibly unhealthy

Oh dear.

It’s not just me I promise: I am happily and calmly/contentedly married, have v peaceful relationships with my sons, etc.

this is the most dramatic relationship in my life.

Is he Donald Trump?

Or Tony Soprano I suppose.

No!

he’s decent! I saw him last night, he was calm and dignified - just said he’d not been sure if I would come.

There is potential to go Henry VIII if he doesn’t self-scrutinise a bit more though. He’s in the late Anne Boleyn phase and I often think of Wolf Hall.

It you like drama hang in there and keep going. Otherwise the whole situation sounds so dramatic, a bit immature and 'out there'.

He sees all my relationships within the business as a threat. This is going to be really hard to get over, for both of you, without a honest, pragmatic, professional conversation (with personal feelings put to one side) which sounds like it will never happen,

We are both considered inspirational bosses by those who have worked for us.

Noone in the history of the world has ever considered their boss as "inspirational". Although I've had one or two who've inspired me to come up with new and original swearwords.

lol this is funny but not true. I have had at least two bosses I consider inspirational.

I've had bosses I consider inspirational in the sense that they inspired me to get the hell out of that job.

I know, I'm exaggerating a tad. But I do think the venn diagram between inspirational bosses and the people who'd describe themselves as inspirational bosses probably has very little overlap.

You need to leave. You should have been out like a greyhound from the traps when he demoted you.

Me too MrsD - I can't think of one single inspirational manager I have ever had and I am old!!! Mostly assholes!

And I hope the fired Head or HR takes him to the cleaners!

He sounds nuts and impossible to work with.

Please don't blame it on ADHD, though. I have ADHD, am a good boss, and wouldn't behave like this in a million years.

Sometimes people are just dicks.

Honestly, I've been in an unhealthily intense workplace relationship, and it ended pretty fucking horribly.

I'd back right away from this (with the benefit of hindsight) and go and work somewhere that work becomes...just work.

For a looong time I fought against the 'just work' thing but it killed my mental health to stay somewhere, working with someone, who was sadly really detrimental to me.

It's hard because the intensity makes it seem vital to you somehow. But it isn't.

“It's hard because the intensity makes it seem vital to you somehow. But it isn't.”

hmmm, that rings rather true…

Estella, what happened?