Heard my colleague bad mouth me.

[Knackered2234]

I heard a colleague tell another colleague “ she doesn’t trust me and I’m not to be trusted”

It hurt and shocked me to hear this and I’ve no idea where this has come from.

Im also now paranoid as to how many other people she is planting this seed too.

The other colleague is aware I heard this and had apologised to me stating I shouldn’t have had to hear this and not to get upset by it but I am really upset and I feel stupid being upset. It’s such a personal thing to say. I think I’d have coped better with a personal comment about looks or work but to state I’m not trustworthy or be trusted just seems to have cut quite deep.

Should I approach my manager to make him aware? I feel the relationship with said colleague is not workable at this time.

If your other colleague heard and has spoken to you, it sounds as though it says more about the one bad mouthing you than it does about you. Other colleagues are likely aware she is a shit stirrer and take it with a pinch of salt.
if you hear her say anything again, just say ‘and what do you mean by that?’ and see how she talks her way out of it. It’s not something I’d speak to a manager about at this stage tbh, but only you can decide that.

It must be hurtful that you overheard that but your colleague is entitled to their opinion. Do you know why they don't trust you? This must have come from somewhere. Is there something you have said or done previously that might have caused them to think you can't be trusted?

Some self-reflection might be necessary before you consider next steps. I certainly wouldn't go running to your manager. That would come across as telling tales - the work equivalent of "x was mean to me" - and might well appear that you can't be trusted if you run to your manager to complain someone said you can't be trusted!

I’m genuinely don’t know where this has come from, I had considered her to be fine, always had a laugh together but now I’m completely paranoid wondering where this has come from?

I don’t want to approach her as I really now don’t want anything to do with her.

I suppose I was just shocked and hurt to hear her thoughts.

You MUST talk to your manager about this. They need to understand what is happening in their department and you have every right to expect to be treated fairly without being maligned by a colleague. You don't have to decide on making a formal complaint immediately, but do talk to your manager 'on the record'. Allow them to manage!

Never mind you shouldn't have heard the comment; it shouldn't have been said. Could you talk to your colleague in private first, in a few days when the sting of the comment is less raw?

Things you could ask: what specific behaviour of mine has led to your comments? Have you expressed this view to anyone else? How can we find a way to work together that builds trust between us?' Without these answers, you haven't got much to go on if you talk to your manager and there's a risk of it becoming a bigger issue than you might want it to be. Also, you and your detractor are both grown-ups, probably able to resolve things without the intervention of your manager.

You'd need a preamble eg 'I've been thinking about your comment the other day about me not being trustworthy. It's important that I understand more about why you said that. Can we have 10 minutes to talk things through? We have to work together so we need to find a way forward. Are you free now or do you want to suggest a time over the next few days?'

Don't be so daft. That's got to be the most ridiculous take on this possible.

A colleague has acted totally unprofessionally, regardless of OPs trustworthiness. Discussing this with her manager isn't some tattle tale playground silliness. It's what sensible employees do. Allowing a manager to manage.

Talk to your manager and see if they can get to the bottom of it.

She doesn't realise that I heard it yet. She didn’t realise I was just next door.

I don’t feel I can ask now, the trust ironically is now gone.

I’ve probably taken it more personal as I should but it really hurt and I’m more worried about how many others she is saying this too.

I have a colleague I don’t fully trust but do like them and enjoy working with them. They accepted credit for my work without correcting the assumption. A minor thing probably forgotten. They wouldn’t deliberately “harm” me but they don’t “have my back” if treated badly/work not credited correctly. An ambitious colleague is always going to prioritise their career over supporting a colleague, no matter how nice a person they are otherwise. It’s just life. In fact, I don’t trust any colleague.

It’s tricky.

I’ve made a similar comment previously, and had the comment said to me by others in the workplace.

Some people rub others up the wrong way. It’s for an individual to arrive at their own opinion.

The woman who I last worked with was quite open about her personal life, multiple affairs, talking loudly about her new partners salary and hiding assets during his divorce, not paying utilities as ‘they can’t cut me off anyway, I’ve got kids in the house.’ She was also a big one for gossiping up to managers, creating fuss and highlighting anyone else’s ‘weakness’ to climb herself up the ladder.

I was warned about her and formed my own opinion, and warned others.

As a person who I shared an office with, she could be involved in a chat and a laugh, but I truly wouldn’t have trusted her as far as I could throw her.

I'd ask her why she doesn't trust you, but I'm a gob shite. I'd not do it in a confrontational way, just asking the lines of "I overheard you say this and would like to know why and see if we can find common ground and put it to bed".

I am afraid I am of the view that you need to report this. She is questioning your trustworthiness and honesty with other members of staff and it needs to stop immediately. I would go straight to HR and ask them to nip it in the bud or you will raise a grievance.

In the end, whether you talk directly to your colleague or involve your manager is about what you think would work best for you in your particular workplace. My original suggestion probably reflects my own instincts to deal with things directly if they involve me. Another approach would be to tell your manager and agree together what, if anything, to do next.

When I’ve been in a situation where I’ve queried someone’s trustworthiness, if they said they’d heard me and questioned me directly on it, I’d have been very comfortable listing my point of view.

If she bluffs and lies about saying it, or has nothing to back it up, then you know where you stand with her. If she does raise some points, it’s up to you if you want to reflect on it.

I think going to a manager as a first point of call is very much the action of someone who likes operating in a one up/untrustworthy way.

What total bollocks. The colleague is entitled to have an opinion and express it privately. They're not calling the OP a liar or saying she's bad at her job. They said they don't trust her. Running to her manager with this is entirely 'playground silliness'.

If the OP wants to understand why she isn't trusted, she needs to talk to her colleague (plenty of suggestions on this thread as to how to approach them). Only then will she know if there is something which should be raised to her manager or if colleague has a valid point/perception that OP wasn't actually aware of.

And yes, I work in HR.

I would mention when you have to do something "Of course no problem. Although you know you shouldn't trust me..
Hollow laugh make them look silly

Thank you to everyone who has responded. Had a bit of a sleepless night wondering how I move forward.

I know I have done nothing for this person to doubt my trustworthiness, im going to bring it up with my supervisor as it’s made me very paranoid and uncomfortable.

Hoping that’s the right thing to do. I fear if I don’t and it continues I will be asked why I didn’t deal with it in the first place.

Do you also blame a rape victim. Must be something they did right? Are you the mean colleague cause not sure anything can explain this response you provided.

Thank you for your insight. I had an apology not for what was said but because I overheard what was said.

She justified this by something someone told her a while ago, no details etc. Basically I believe she is making excuses and trying to cover her tracks. In face she basically told me it’s my own fault, she was very confrontational with her apology.

It had really upset me and make me look at my colleagues who I thought I knew in a completely different light, we are a very small team so it is awkward.

I’m really sorry, I’m back again.

Ive not been back into work. I’m ill, bit physical bit mentally. I can’t face the office and dont know what to do. I suspect my working conditions previous to the event has left me extremely stressed and what happened was the icing.

I don’t want to answer phone etc, I’ve had calls from work regarding on the go projects, I know I have to assist them but for some reason I’m really struggling, I just want to sleep.

Are you on illness absence? If so, work should really not be phoning you to speak about work.

Yes, I have been reporting in sick, as I feel I just can not go in and concentrate on the job.

Colleague might be entitled to an opinion but that doesn't mean they are entitled to denigrate op with baseless defamation to others.

You aren't being silly feeling upset about this. You could reframe that 'upset' as disgust and affront, and it would be entirely righteous.

All the above assuming you haven't demonstrated yourself to be untrustworthy.

Absolutely you should complain about this person. Complain factually and with as much calm as you can, but asserting your right to have this taken seriously and such rumour mongering to be stamped out would be reasonable.

Sorry hadn't rtft... So you hadn't earned those comments.

Look yourself in the eye and say how dare this person state you are untrustworthy... Then take it to be management and don't even think of apologising for bringing this problem to their attention, or taking their time or any of the other things nice people do when they don't want to make a fuss.

This colleague has been very unprofessional and you should be angry.

Agree absolutely with HysteriaOfTheWanderingWomb.
This kind of insidious whispering rumour spreading in the workplace is beyond destructive and is certainly a management issue.

They have a duty of care towards their employees, which currently they are failing in, since you have been harmed within the workplace, to the extent of being made ill.
It is best to shed light on the whole situation, not suffer in silence.