Colleagues' Mental Health

[calista12]

Hi all,
I'm just looking for some advice from people who are impartial (neither work related nor friendly) so that I can understand how to approach a situation.

A short summary of my problem I am currently responsible for training a trainee who is new to my line of work. They are extremely negative and their negativity is coming to me and I am now dreading going to work.

They came to me after a fall out with their last mentor (a colleague of mine who is wonderful) and I immediately noticed their immense negativity. They did not like my colleagues and had issues with each of their university mentors. They viewed everything negatively and when I tried to offer solutions, literally spoke over me and ignored me so that what I said went unheard and the negative rant continued.

This has not stopped.

For the past several months, the negativity has remained. Each morning is a bleak tale about how tired they are, how fed up they are, how unhappy they are (because of headache/toothache/tummyache/car troubles/housework). They do not cry but there is a generally despondent and antithetical attitude to everything, with constant complaints about other staff and the workload, which I have reduced massively already (it is far below what trainees should now have and has meant me upping my own to accommodate). I have been empathetic every day now for several months, hiding my own emotions and forcing positivity and doing everything I can to be a beacon of hope, happiness and positivity, but I am struggling a little now and dreading coming into work to see them. Nothing I do helps. To be clear, I have never ever shown my unhappiness to my colleague; I put on a facade of positivity constantly and modelled solutions focused conduct at all times.

They have been offered mental health support but have refused to take it (both from work and their own GP). It feels almost contagious and I am struggling now to continue to be positive.

Last week, they kicked off about something changing and said that they should have noticed and it was unacceptable and I apologised, sympathised, praised them, but then said that things do happen in our job which cannot be entirely predicted and this cannot be prevented - it's part and parcel of it - so I then said we would look together at some strategies for preparing for and dealing with unexpected change in order to make future instances of unavoidable change more palatable (this was then accompanied by a reminder of how well they are doing and a tangible example of something they'd done well so they would know it was authentic)

After this, they went on the sick for a week. My boss called me for a meeting and said my comments had made them feel they weren't cut out for the role because I'd made it seem as though this was the job so their inability to cope with change meant they couldn't do it. It wasn't reflective of what happened.

Throughout the meeting I nodded and tried to frame the meeting as an opportunity for growth in mentoring, but it basically existed as a telling off for me apparently not being supportive. My boss told me of things that my mentee had told to them but they were so negatively depicted that they were almost untrue. For example, the situation above was phrased as me saying change happens, if they can't cope, are they cut out for it? which did not happen ... I'm not blaming my mentee as I believe that when someone is down they see things negatively and genuinely interpret things negatively.

I feel I have no support and nothing I do is good enough and I'm sat here not wanting to go to my job tomorrow. Does anyone have any advice?

"Does anyone have any advice?"

Yes.

Fuck this mentee off. Immediately.

That they refuse help from work or GPs speaks volumes. They want to be the centre of attention yet do fuck all to help themselves.

And if they dont want to help themselves, why should you?? Its NOT your responsibility.

How long is training normally expected to take?
I would take a very factual approach with a list of everything they need trained on and tick off as they've achieved this to required standard. Keep all interactions focused firmly on their work training tasks. Share the programme of training and how slowly they are doing with achieving this with your manager.

When you've achieved everything then cut them loose and have as little to do with them as possible. If they aren't achieving in acceptable timescales then that's a performance issue for you take to line manager and let them deal with

Id stop working with them.they are on to their second mentee and it's still everyone and everything else's fault. I'd also document every meeting, and have notes, because it sounds like they are also happy to drop anyone in it they feel like

They need to be taking responsibility for their health and well-being, and this might need to be spelled out to them.

have you referred to occupational health for advice
how long have they been employed?

(assume this is one person but your title implies several)

the workload, which I have reduced massively already (it is far below what trainees should now have and has meant me upping my own to accommodate)

You need to report and escalate this. Stick to the facts but it sounds like either performance management is required or sick leave to be frank.

My boss called me for a meeting and said my comments had made them feel they weren't cut out for the role because I'd made it seem as though this was the job so their inability to cope with change meant they couldn't do it.

This is when you should have said yes! (although it would have been better if you'd gone to your boss with your concerns rather than your boss coming to you).

You are being way too empathetic. You should be escalating to their line manager and/or your boss. Sure you can do it in a nice way ("I'm a little concerned for x....") but stop bending over backwards for this trainee. They're not performing. And they're affecting your performance now it seems. You're not their mother, you're a colleague.

Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to someone else to recognise that this is a major red flag and means that whatever we put in place, it will never be effective because their underlying mental health, which none of us are qualified to treat, is going untreated.

Thank you. The training takes an academic year and then there are some years of supportive mentoring after that.
I have raised my concerns with the university who have said they can't see them failing; my boss's view seems to be that they don't want our workplace to look 'bad' in the eyes of the uni for losing a trainee ... but my struggle doesn't seem to come into the equation and discussions are based solely on what my trainee is saying; I haven't been given the opportunity to even show the notes from our meetings, which would show my concerns factually.

Yes, this is how I feel. Things I say are twisted and taken back and I'm told that I need to remember how difficult training is and be more supportive ... I was a very different style of trainee - very motivated and passionate - and I do appreciate the differences between us, but this goes further than mentoring; the mental health dynamic means I'm constantly terrified of giving any negative feedback lest it trigger them/be misconstrued and used to put a complaint in against me. They are not adverse to complaining about people.
They complained last week that people were talking about their personal problems in an open space (nothing too over the top - I was there - essentially workload, which is a lot at the moment in our field), saying that they don't want to hear other people's basic problems because everyone has them and they should get on with them so I, as their mentor, should speak to the people involved and tell them to only speak privately ... I didn't feel confident/able to reveal the hypocrisy and nastiness of that comment.

@calista12 you're being way too nice. You're obviously a really lovely person but you can't let this take you down with it.

Summarise your notes in an email and send it to your boss.

I totally agree - I did try to go to my boss but they didn't have any time scheduled and when I tried to grab them in a moment of crisis (mentee crying and saying they were mentally ill), my boss had an important meeting to go to and went away. They then arranged a meeting to speak to me, which was one-sided and when I needed to express my POV, the time was up and it was time to to go.

I also went to my old mentor (who was the first mentor my mentee had) and who is quite high up in our department for help and was told not to discuss the issue with too many people ...

I'm lost.

It feels that preserving my mentee is far more important than giving me the support I need. After the mental health moment, I went home and cried myself out of fear that someone was unsupported and in a crisis. I spoke to ACAS and MIND for help as felt totally unsupported by my work.

Apologies - misplaced apostrophe and it won't let me edit haha!
Tbf it is becoming more because our department now is terrified of saying anything that my mentee might take to someone higher up ... they weren't invited to the pub once (neither was I for that matter) and they took it as not being included and complained that the department was not involving her and making secret plans behind her back. The fact it wasn't true was dismissed; we were all collectively chastised for not including her.

I made the referral to occ health and HR and they were given counselling sessions and a phased return. The phased return was accepted and the extra work picked up by me, and when I asked in our last meeting about the counselling they said it was another form to fill in and they couldn't be bothered. (we can't make the referral apparently, employees must do it themselves, but they wanted it to made for them and are angry that they have fill in the form and send it via email).

Sounds awful. Can you make up some lies to stop having to have the mentee?

Sounds like doesn’t matter what you say or do they’ll complain.

or is there anyone else that can start being in the meetings? Say you are worried about their mental health and think you need a special mental health nurse or something in with you to be safe.

in short stop worrying about the mentee and start looking after yourself!

My difficulty is that I am trying to progress in my role also (hence the mentoring) and I was essentially told that not mentoring then successfully would go against me for that so I don't want to seem a failure.

Thank you for the tip about having someone around; that would make me feel far more at ease as at the moment I do feel terrified that something I say is going to be misconstrued

I've had one similar occasion in my career OP, and I got to the point where I realised the best way forward for me was to say along the lines of 'I think we are at a position now where you have lost faith in my ability to support you and so I will speak to my manager about what the best next steps forward for you might be.'

Now I didn't want to be in that position or have to call it like that, and I had done everything reasonable and could feel my boundaries were about to be eroded and my mental health was taking a toll.

It was the most challenging situation I have had, with a person who was never going to be happy, and I just eventually thought, sod this..I need to extricate myself here in the least confrontational way possible, and that was it.

Ok so the goal is lose the mentee but not make it your fault. There is no way you can make this person be successful, they don’t WANT to be successful.

so use every excuse you can think of to rope lots of other people in. Mental health support, occupational support, emotional support dog? The more annoying for your dept, suggest it to the mentee. They sound like a taker so will grab with both hands. Make up some story about it helping someone you know. Share the love! Start enjoying yourself at your dept’s and bosses expense. Is there training she can be sent on extra as she’s ’so good’ ? How about she shadows the boss for a month?

stop taking in her shit mentally and start sharing out to everyone.

I'm so sorry you have experienced something similar.
I completely empathise with what you're saying about your mental health taking a toll; that's how I feel. I love my job, but I've noticed the past few months I've been noticing bad things and feeling unmotivated, which is out of character for me ... upon reflection, I feel it's because I'm constantly being bombarded with how terrible everything is here that it's getting into my mind.

I have been empathetic every day now for several months, I appreciate you are coming from a good place but this might be enabling their behaviour.

My boss called me for a meeting and said my comments had made them feel they weren't cut out for the role because I'd made it seem as though this was the job so their inability to cope with change meant they couldn't do it. But they are utterly incapable of managing the role and including any form of change, need constant supervision, are avoiding any form of responsibility for themselves, and would appear to need a huge kick up the arse.

They did not like my colleagues and had issues with each of their university mentors. Maybe they are the problem - not everyone else.

If possible put them on a performance management plan and see if they sort themselves out. Make sure there are two of you in any meetings with them so your back is covered.

Well it's true, isn't it? They are not cut out for the role.

Like a pp has said, offer her all the support that is available ( not by you of course!) and then some. Document what has been offered and her response.

Do you keep records of your mentor meetings with her? That would be useful to have.

And have someone in with you as a witness, if you can.

Is the person new and in a probationary period? My thoughts would be if they are like this while in training and new to the role when most people are enthusiastic and keen to impress then it is unlikely that things will change.

Are they a trainee teacher? As wages are now considered low and the hours long, you often don't get the great trainees that you used to, and about 50,% are downright shocking (obviously some are amazing but they seem to be a minority).

OP you go in on Monday and you say you have tried your hardest, but the mentor/ mentee relationship is not working and you cannot continue to mentor this person as you do not believe it is helping them.

You can also say you are now concerned that this person has misrepresented your words, leading to a breakdown of trust so it's not appropriate for the sake of your own reputation to continue.

Be confident and calm, but whatever you do get out of it.

They clearly know you're a good and reliable employee, unless they are very stupid they aren't going to sacrifice you for the troublesome trainee.

You could suggest that as both yourself and other esteemed person were not able to form an effective working relationship, maybe it requires someone with more seniority and experience- like your boss - to pick up the mantle.

Oh and regarding failing at this - I'd take that with a pinch of salt.

But if you don't step back from this and tiresome trainee puts in a formal complaint, you'll be lucky to keep the job you have.

At this stage it's about damage limitation.

When mentee complains about workload/colleagues/life in general or goes off sick, I would be holding a meeting and discuss whether it's the job making her sick/stressed. Rather than criticise, show concern that the job seems to be having a negative impact on her. Ask her about her MH, does she feel it has declined since starting the job? I would make it clear that you have noticed she doesn't seem happy - does she see herself in the role once she has qualified? Is this the role she sees herself in 10 or 20 years?
I wouldn't make anymore concessions/allowances - she doesn't get to choose the bits she enjoys. Make it clear the role is what it is. But the role doesn't seem to make her happy. I would come at it from a MH/staff welfare concern. Tell her you have noticed she focuses on the negative parts of the job, ask her if there is anything she enjoys? Does she feel the job is for her? Make it clear there is a problem but do it from a staff welfare perspective.

Excellent post from @rookiemere you cannot win with this type of person, they twist and manipulate everything. You cannot help them and they will take you down, stop being empathetic and save yourself!

How awful for you. Bullying and toxic behaviour can go in both directions in terms of seniority, and it seems your kindness is being taken advantage of by this self-indulgent crybully.

I don't have any suggestions but there are some good ones from pps. I wish you strength. These energy vampires really suck the joy out of life.