Fears of taking a new job or not with a massive relocation?

[RCJD]

Apologies for the length - stick with me!

TL:DR - A 33-year-old woman in Scotland, skilled in cadaveric work, is unhappy in her new managerial role at a medical school. She’s considering a job offer from a private company outside London that aligns with her expertise. However, the cost of living and the need for a significant salary increase to maintain her current lifestyle are causing hesitation. Despite the potential job satisfaction, she’s unsure if the financial implications and emotional toll of relocating are worth it. She’s awaiting a formal offer to make a decision.

As my background, I've worked in a technical role working with cadavers for anatomy teaching. Mostly roles in university medical schools that involve embalming, medical device testing, surgical simulation on cadavers, health and safety, human tissue regulation so my skills are quite unique and pretty niche and I'm based in Scotland.
I've just moved from a role as a technician to a manager in the medical school, looking after engineering and biomedical engineering departments with some hand in surgical skills for my experience; more money, less heavy lifting (some health issues influencing this), reasonable level of flexibility but I'm not happy. The role is entirely new, entirely new location for me and I feel out of place, useless, not good at my job and I'm just not enjoying it. Everyone is being understanding and saying it'll take months to get used to it.

I applied, rather on a whim, for a job I saw on LinkedIn. Cadaveric jobs don't come up too often so I just thought I'd apply, see what happens. The only issue is the job is based outside of London. It's a private company who want to develop their own cadaveric testing facility for medical devices testing and surgical training - exactly what I used to do, what I enjoyed doing, what I'm good at. I've had three interviews essentially and flew to to visit their offices and the new facility and it's very nice and I really believe that they'll be successful with the venture and the prospect really excites me. Normally I hate interviews, I'm terrible at them and think I ruined it but it was the one experience where I felt confident, knew exactly what I was talking about, the role is very much everything I've already done with respect to operating a cadaveric testing lab.

We're at the stage of discussions where they've said they're going to offer me the job, they are happy with me, my skills and experience and I like them too, but this job is a massive life relocation and both of us are aware it's a big factor.
I've spoken to them and said that I need to see what they are offering in black and white, so they are away to draft an offer and get in touch with me. They've been very reasonable in discussions.
I currently live in Scotland and would be looking at moving to the Newbury/Basingstoke area. 400 miles away and it's hard for me right now to know that if I move down there for the job, I'll not be any better off, probably worse off financially.

As much as I don't enjoy my current role, it's still new, it could get better, I earn £44k, take home of around £2700, of which nearly £1500 is disposable, plus 42 days holiday a year.
Even trying to find a flat to rent down south is approximately £1200 a month, water charges, prescription costs (I didn't even think about that so that's not factored into my calculation).
I worked out that I need to make at least £70k to even be close to the level of disposable income I am now (44k at 56.2% disposable, 70k is 47.2% disposable), without even considering if I want to return to visit family say once a month which would be a £200/£300 dent every time.
It feels insane to me to look at earning nearly an extra £25k on paper to see no benefit to that in my bank balance. And that's only just considering renting, the cost of buying would be considerably more. Plus the holiday allowance is much lower, 25 days a year vs my 42 currently (it's insane, even I feel that's ridiculous).
The salary was never advertised on the role, when we talked about it originally, they were spitballing in the 50k region with other lab managers they've looked at, which is not unreasonable for the position so I've felt cheeky even saying that it needs to be £70k minimum for me. I would have never dreamed in any interview I've had before about asking for more money - such a big amount more (and having them seriously consider it still).
Perhaps I'm worrying for nothing and they may come back 'thanks but no thanks, we don't want to pay that' but that wasn't the impression that I got. Part of me almost wishes it's priced out so I don't have to make a decision.

I don't have much to keep me here in all honesty when you put it down on paper. I'm 33 and divorced, a unique set of skills that make it difficult to find jobs in my field. My family is up here, I'd have to leave my dog, but I have few friends, don't do much other than work, no partner but I still have overwhelming feelings about giving everything up and leaving, especially if I'm not really going to be any better off financially for it. The cost of living in England is so wildy different than in Scotland. I own my flat and buying the equivalent down there is £200,000 more.

In my brain, it just doesn't make sense for me to move my entire life to be less well off down there. My feelings are overwhelmed with the idea of moving, but I am really passionate about the job, I really believe in what they are doing and the potential of it. It uses all my skills and experience and things I enjoy. I know I would be much happier doing it than what I am now. Would enjoying the job more make the sadness out of the move and what would be less disposable income worth it? Not great personality traits but I like being good at what I do, I like to feel wanted and the new job offer is fulfilling that but equally I don't want to commit to the move, hate living down there and want to leave, it's not fair of them either and that has happened with me and another job that wasn't as advertised, I was miserable and returned home.

AIBU? Am I being ridiculous? It's a job offer doing what I want and like, do I need to be better off? But what's the point in working just as hard for less reward when I already have a good pay, own a house, ridiculous holiday allowance, I just don't enjoy what I do (and 4 weeks in to the job I still don't really know what that is)

I think you need to try and imagine how you might feel in six months time if you turn it down and stay put. Realistically what are your future career prospects where you are now. 33 till retirement is a long time. Sometimes in life a big leap of faith is needed, this could be one of those.

So you e only been in your new role 4 weeks, and in that time you've already applied and had a few interviews for this other role? It feels to me like you haven't given the new role much of a chance. It seems early to be throwing your whole life upside down. There must be a reason why you applied for your current role, do those reasons still stand? You mention health issues?

I think I would be quite reluctant to end up with a worse quality of life personally.

Job satisfaction matters. Hating what you do every day will make you absolutely miserable.

Some people are not cut out for management, particularly in large institutions. It doesn't make you a worse person, just someone who prefers technical work.

You could potentially negotiate on the holiday allowance - you might not get 42 days but 30 days plus bank holidays would be more reasonable.

I relocated some years ago, about 250 miles, but to a cheaper area. This was also for the sake of career progression, and away from my family. I don't regret it, but as my parents age it is becoming more of a worry being too far away to offer daily support.

You mention visiting your family once per month - in my experience it's hard to maintain that momentum when you are working full time; you find you have too much to do on your days off

Would it be an option to rent out your flat in Scotland and view the relocation as a trial period rather than necessarily a permanent move? You could give it a year and then make a decision whether to stay or go.

I stopped reading when you said “I’d have to leave my dog”! What on earth are your plans for the dependent living creature who presumably loves you??

You’ve only been in your new job for a very short time. It’s possible that you will get used to it. Do you have some imposter syndrome?

Thank you. It's true, I keep feeling that way. I've expressed to my boss I feel useless and they're very understanding of it because it's an entirely new post and I'm new to it. But it is still giving up all the cadaveric work that I think I realised I enjoyed more now I've given it up.
The position is very reactive, it's go and fix a problem when it comes up - organise to move an office, organise to move furniture, buy equipment, approve purchases, compared to my old job where it was much more of a system for me. I've got ulcerative colitis, the constant heavy lifting and moving of cadavers was straining and getting more difficult, I have to go to the loo 10+ times a day which makes phsyical stuff more difficult compared to now where there's more desk based work which was a selling point. Plus more money, more days off, just as much flexibility. It's a good job by all accounts, but I just don't know why I'm not feeling it.

Thank you. I could negotiate. I did mention it but I already feel cheeky having asked for £20k more than they were thinking about.

Renting it out isn't really an option, I did look into it, I can't change to a buy to let mortgage unfortunately. Plus I wouldn't want to mess them around, I would have to commit to staying for atleast the build/setup of the lab realistically. I have to imagine once I was settled I wouldn't leave that much but it still feels like a whack of money to do so.

Thank you. My dog won't struggle, she's not getting abandoned or rehomed. She lives with my parents, 5 minutes away from me just now, as they have her brother, they're 5 and they've always lived together and he has bad separation anxiety so even when I bought this flat, she didn't come and live with me because her couldn't cope. I go home on my way from work and walk her and weekends. Her living arrangement won't change, she's spoilt up there but of course I'd miss her.

There probably is a part of imposter syndrome. Everyone here looks and feels like a manager, I don't feel like one. I don't know what I expected the job to be like, I guess maybe more managering, but it's not really like that. It's a lot of planning office moves - my boss tells me so and so is getting moved, then I booked in a janitor to move the stuff, there's a lot of that. I feel very middleman-y, I could just go move it myself and the technician in me wants to do that but it's not my job. I probably could grow into it, once I have a few more projects than I do now it might feel busier, more useless, more productive but there's still just a feeling of I don't enjoy it. I could do it for all the other quality of life benefits but I just feel that I'm never going to really have a passion for it, whereas the new job offer I think would fulfill that. I highly doubt I'll see another job like that up here.

But how are you going to deal with the physical problems that you had in your old job in the new Southern job - surely they'll be the same?
what does the new southern job look like in a couple of years time- will you be looking at a management position then or can you stay physical/lab based? Many jobs have a point when you switch from being a technical expert to being more of a manager/jack of all trades - managing the experts and many people find it hard - its hard to avoid unless you can find niche roles as an expert but then you can get trapped and have less mobility.

I think you’d be absolutely mad to move to such an expensive area!

I also live in Scotland and wild horses could not drag me to London where I would have a worse quality of life. I think you need to give your current job more of a chance, or perhaps retrain in something less niche if you want more opportunities to move/develop.

Please don’t take what would be an effective pay cut. I would never relocate (or even just change jobs) for a real time pay cut unless I had extremely clear reasons for justifying it. I’ve done it before and once the excitement of the new job wears off, you’ll be left wondering why your lifestyle is so much harder for no reason. It’s not cheeky to ask for the amount of money that you’d need to make your move worthwhile. Set your value and if they really rate you they’ll find the money for it. You’ll be surprised I think if you stand firm on this. If they can get somebody for less then they will but it still won’t make it an opportunity you should have taken if it means your day to day living costs are so much higher.

Won’t this new job put you back to doing more lifting etc? Is that sustainable?

In the first instance at the new place, the goal is to only work on parts that are considerably less heavy, plus I can design that lab in a sensible way that mitigates lifting bodies at all. It's not that I can't do it, lifting a couple of things here and there is easier than my old job of moving 12 bodies a day but it does highlight concerns that if I get hospital level of sick again it might be problematic and I didn't even think about my medication/prescription costs. I would be in a more managerial position - organising the tissue, legislation, organising the training than the actual putting in and out of parts, they plan to have another technician or two for that but I'm okay with level of involvement - I used to enjoy doing the risk assessments/sops/training plans, that still felt like doing something related even if it's not touching tissue. But you're right, it's still very niche and I'm still going to be trapped in a field with not many other job opportunities. I feel atleast being a manager in my current role doesn't mean I'm stuck applying to university mortuaries anymore, I can take that experience to other sectors if I wanted to, this would be pigeon holing myself again but is that okay because it is what I like?

Thank you. That's what my brain is screaming at me. I look at house prices, any prices really, and just think I'm an idiot for even considering. I've done no end of maths on paper and it still looks daunting the amount I'd need to equal what I get now but the prospect of the job still excites me.

First, thank you for putting your TL:DR at the start! It totally defeats the purpose when it’s at the end of a post 😂

it sounds like your job is a big part of you, and you write so enthusiastically about the job down south. Maybe this is what you need. In a new role, there will be opportunities to progress. And if you don’t like it, you can always come back. Go for it!

Thank you. I think you're right, it has the potential to be a worse quality of life. I can't get over how wildly more expensive it is.
I think any serious retraining is too late now (much regret about not going and getting a plumbing apprenticeship leaving school) but I'm hoping being a manager here would let me take that to other sectors, I don't have to just apply to university mortuaries which was my problem before and taking this new job pigeon holes me back in that area again but I'm still excited by what the new job wants to do and it has a lot of potential to do exciting things in the future, though not really potential for moving up/better jobs in the company.

With apologies to any Basingstoke folk but I really do not like the area, the SE overall is crazy expensive. Don’t do it.

I wouldn't be put off by prescription charges, it's not a deal breaker. . If you have many prescriptions a year you just buy the prepayment certificate at a little over £100. Will be offset by paying less tax than you do in Scotland.

I'm assuming you live in a cheaper area of Scotland so moving to the SE is always going to be expensive so you'd need a pay rise, unless you're in a job so awful you need out now. I've done that move so know how expensive it is but I'm back in an equally expensive area of Scotland! Is there a cheaper area with a commutable distance of the new job?

I'd question the trips back every month, if you're thinking that way I think the move is not right for you.
What will you get out of moving other than another job that you will enjoy and utilise?

I think you need to think long term career wise. Is this job a stepping stone to something? Can you cope with a more physical job a decade down the line?

Not an easy decision as it's lifestyle as well as job. Good luck whatever you decide

You write very well OP, it's a tricky one but I'm inclined to say go for it!

When I make a big decision, I tell myself that almost nothing is irreversible (even if it's a pain in the backside to reverse!) give it a whirl, you don't like it, you come back...

Also now I know what a cadaver is! That is niche!

Thank you. The sensible part of me says why would I take a job that doesn't make me more better off than I am now. Especially when it's a big move, have to sell my house, it's not a simple move.
I understand where you're coming from, I did it before (only 3 hours away) but the job wasn't as advertised, I hated it and I left it with nothing to go to. I ended up alright but I don't want that situation to repeat 400 miles away.

OP I can't get my head around all this technical cadavers, moving bodies etc but it's simple for me.
Only take the job if it can lead to something better, outside London, in the next couple of years.

OR, if you can work from home most of the time!

The SE is so so expensive. Only worth it for people happy to live in tiny flats and enjoy everything London has to offer but that doesn't sound like you.

You should ask for 80K, you have specialist skills and let them negotiate you down.

You're welcome, I always thought that was the point of it, I never understand why people put it at the end.

Thank you. It's taken me a while to real I need to like what I'm doing and I'm quite ambitious about it, for better or worse. I don't think I appreciated it enough in my last technician job and it took leaving it to realise I like cadaveric work, I'm passionate about it so maybe not worrying so much about money and the stress and just going for something I like might be good for me mentally/emotionally.

Thank you. I fear I was ending up waffling by the time I wrote everything down.
Part of me feels like what you've said, what's the worst that could happen? I don't like it, get a new job to come back. It's not the end of the world really, even though it feels like that a little in my mind if it doesn't work out.
I'm glad I could enlighten you, I keep forgetting cadavers aren't something a lot of people come across often.