Am I becoming a workoholic?

TigerLily40 · 2024-05-04T15:30:40+00:00

It has been brought up to me that I focus too much on work outside work and I have done the following - - Focused on work rather than family and friends - Done work related tasks when out socialising and constantly thinking about work - Get frustrated when others don't do work tasks, meetings on their days off and think of them as having no work ethic - Take over tasks at work or I see them as not getting done properly if left to others - work stress affects my sleep and eating habits. I just think about work constantly and have a colleague that calls me all the time about work. I feel I neglect my family for work. I just wish I could get this colleague to stop calling. My husband even said I spend a lot of home time with my colleagues on the phone rather than spend it with family. I was once on the verge of alcoholism a few years ago and have stopped drinking. I wonder if I have exchanged alcohol for work? I rely on work for validation too much and for my confidence boosts or knocks. I just always wanted a career and feel very protective over it. It is very much part of my identity and again, if I get criticized in any way when doing it, it knocks me for six as it is who I am. I just feel a failure at home because i can't shut off. What can I do? I neglect my daughter for a job that would replace me if I died tomorrow.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/05/2024 16:36

Yes, you are.

The obvious starting point is to turn your phone off (or at least block work calls out of your working hours).

It might be too much to go cold turkey but could you commit to being present in your home life in short bursts. Eg, I will do xyz with my daughter for an hour and I will check my phone at the end of that hour. Repeat as often as you can, increasing the time.

Original poster

TigerLily40 · 04/05/2024 16:41

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/05/2024 16:36

Yes, you are.

The obvious starting point is to turn your phone off (or at least block work calls out of your working hours).

It might be too much to go cold turkey but could you commit to being present in your home life in short bursts. Eg, I will do xyz with my daughter for an hour and I will check my phone at the end of that hour. Repeat as often as you can, increasing the time.

@DisplayPurposesOnly thank you for your response. I do think I will end up with massive burnout if I continue and honestly feel like work has turned into an addiction.

I need to maybe do it little by little. I should maybe change the question to am I a workoholic and not am I turning into one. It is difficult admitting you have a problem and thinking I may have to not be so full on when it comes to work.

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MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 04/05/2024 16:44

My work phone and laptop goes off at 5pm and back on at 9am (or whatever hours I need to work). You need to do the same. Will your employer fall apart if you don't work all these extra hours? If so, your boss needs to employ more staff!

Original poster

TigerLily40 · 04/05/2024 16:48

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 04/05/2024 16:44

My work phone and laptop goes off at 5pm and back on at 9am (or whatever hours I need to work). You need to do the same. Will your employer fall apart if you don't work all these extra hours? If so, your boss needs to employ more staff!

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel not my boss phoning me and we don't have work mobiles. This is a colleague who works different shifts and just has to know what is happening and talk about work. Others have had to blank her outside of work because of this. I feel communicating with her just feeds into my own obsession with work

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qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 04/05/2024 16:52

Yes you are a workaholic.

This in particular Get frustrated when others don't do work tasks, meetings on their days off and think of them as having no work ethic is completely out of order.

I have a great work ethic, and then I go home!

Have you considered therapy to find out why you focus so much on work? Were your parents like this?

You can change it going forwwards.

Original poster

TigerLily40 · 04/05/2024 16:57

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 04/05/2024 16:52

Yes you are a workaholic.

This in particular Get frustrated when others don't do work tasks, meetings on their days off and think of them as having no work ethic is completely out of order.

I have a great work ethic, and then I go home!

Have you considered therapy to find out why you focus so much on work? Were your parents like this?

You can change it going forwwards.

@qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty I know it is out of order and starting to come to the realisation how bad it actually is.
No my parents weren't like that at all. I am considering therapy as I have previously discussed with a therapist about my need for validation from my workplace rather than other sources e.g. myself, family etc...
I really do want to change this as I know I'll regret it if I don't. Imagine me looking back and seeing all the time I've lost to a job.

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qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 04/05/2024 16:58

I think discussing with a counsellor could really help. If you want to change it I am sure you can. Good luck

Original poster

TigerLily40 · 04/05/2024 16:59

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 04/05/2024 16:58

I think discussing with a counsellor could really help. If you want to change it I am sure you can. Good luck

Thank you.

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MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 04/05/2024 17:58

TigerLily40 · 04/05/2024 16:48

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel not my boss phoning me and we don't have work mobiles. This is a colleague who works different shifts and just has to know what is happening and talk about work. Others have had to blank her outside of work because of this. I feel communicating with her just feeds into my own obsession with work

Show quote history

Stop communicating with her then......simple.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 04/05/2024 22:29

You need to create boundaries between work and home. Tell said colleague that you are not available for work calls outside of work but will send a handover email for their shift. It is very unhealthy to be always available for work but not for your family. You don't want to look back and have regrets about this.

Loopytiles · 04/05/2024 22:34

Yes that sounds unhealthy.

you could quickly make changes by explaining to your colleague you’ll no longer discuss work out of hours and stop logging in on days off. Even setting aside the detriment to your home life, working on days off, taking over others’ tasks yourself and so on reflects badly on your work performance in others’ eyes.

daisychain01 · 05/05/2024 05:01

I'm a bit confused by your concern.

On the one hand, you actively prioritise your career because you say it's really important validation and you've always wanted a career, but then you say you're in a job that would replace you if you died tomorrow, you pick up calls outside your contracted hours and get annoyed that other people don't violate their work/life boundaries.

seems like you recognise the problem but your behaviour and beliefs about work are the root cause of the problem....

whatisforteamum · 05/05/2024 06:13

I would consider myself a workaholic and you sound like you are going that way.
The difference is I actually get a huge buzz from my job I'm not sure from your post if you do.
For myself I think I have addictive tendencies,.Perhaps ADHD.
In my mind 50s I was working 12/13hr days,researching things online when I was off or even in my one hour between 11 pm and 12pm free time before bed.
I was in a group chat with work.
I swapped to a lot less hours yet still do stuff when I'm off and really miss my old job.
I read online a hard worker dreams of being on holiday
A workaholic will dream of work when they are on holiday.
Nothing wrong with working hard and going the extra mile to build a career in my opinion.

whatisforteamum · 05/05/2024 06:16

I recognise that I too get external validation and identity from my job.

Original poster

TigerLily40 · 05/05/2024 08:12

SilverGlitterBaubles · 04/05/2024 22:29

You need to create boundaries between work and home. Tell said colleague that you are not available for work calls outside of work but will send a handover email for their shift. It is very unhealthy to be always available for work but not for your family. You don't want to look back and have regrets about this.

Having these regrets are my biggest fear

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Original poster

TigerLily40 · 05/05/2024 08:13

Loopytiles · 04/05/2024 22:34

Yes that sounds unhealthy.

you could quickly make changes by explaining to your colleague you’ll no longer discuss work out of hours and stop logging in on days off. Even setting aside the detriment to your home life, working on days off, taking over others’ tasks yourself and so on reflects badly on your work performance in others’ eyes.

Yes it is all unhealthy behaviours.

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Original poster

TigerLily40 · 05/05/2024 08:14

daisychain01 · 05/05/2024 05:01

I'm a bit confused by your concern.

On the one hand, you actively prioritise your career because you say it's really important validation and you've always wanted a career, but then you say you're in a job that would replace you if you died tomorrow, you pick up calls outside your contracted hours and get annoyed that other people don't violate their work/life boundaries.

seems like you recognise the problem but your behaviour and beliefs about work are the root cause of the problem....

Yeah I need to shift my views a little as I always wanted a family too. Was always a big believer that as a woman I could do both very easily but it's proving to not be as easy as that.

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Original poster

TigerLily40 · 05/05/2024 08:15

whatisforteamum · 05/05/2024 06:13

I would consider myself a workaholic and you sound like you are going that way.
The difference is I actually get a huge buzz from my job I'm not sure from your post if you do.
For myself I think I have addictive tendencies,.Perhaps ADHD.
In my mind 50s I was working 12/13hr days,researching things online when I was off or even in my one hour between 11 pm and 12pm free time before bed.
I was in a group chat with work.
I swapped to a lot less hours yet still do stuff when I'm off and really miss my old job.
I read online a hard worker dreams of being on holiday
A workaholic will dream of work when they are on holiday.
Nothing wrong with working hard and going the extra mile to build a career in my opinion.

I unfortunately would dream of work on holiday. I do get a great buzz from my work sometimes but that is starting to subside now. Maybe all work and no play causing that.

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Original poster

TigerLily40 · 05/05/2024 08:16

whatisforteamum · 05/05/2024 06:16

I recognise that I too get external validation and identity from my job.

Trying my best to get it elsewhere.

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Oblomov24 · 05/05/2024 09:56

The getting frustratedly with others bit is bad. My friend works the whole time, even on holiday, but as HoD for a law firm we let her off.

Ilivetosleep · 05/05/2024 10:38

Ex Workaholic here.......ashamed to say I did everything in your OP FOR YEARS!!!

Covid in my profession was horrendous. I wasn't WFH and still out. Having to cover everyone who was self isolating. Realising I wasn't massively present for my kids was the learning I took from Covid.

I started to make plans to leave. I decided to start delegating more. Beginning with understanding that adults work in different ways and just because a member of my staff didn't do a task the way I would or had, then I let go. The work STILL GOT DONE!

I made sure to start to look for a job in an related field that would offer me less responsibility, hopefully similar wages and ultimately more time with my kids. I did it. Giving in my notice was awful. But it was the best decision.

I now have a much better work life balance. I don't work outside of my hours (unless imperative). I don't use my work phone unless I'm on duty.

Don't let work eat you up. Good luck

Original poster

TigerLily40 · 05/05/2024 11:01

Oblomov24 · 05/05/2024 09:56

The getting frustratedly with others bit is bad. My friend works the whole time, even on holiday, but as HoD for a law firm we let her off.

Yeah I know it's really bad. A really bad pov to have

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Original poster

TigerLily40 · 05/05/2024 11:03

Ilivetosleep · 05/05/2024 10:38

Ex Workaholic here.......ashamed to say I did everything in your OP FOR YEARS!!!

Covid in my profession was horrendous. I wasn't WFH and still out. Having to cover everyone who was self isolating. Realising I wasn't massively present for my kids was the learning I took from Covid.

I started to make plans to leave. I decided to start delegating more. Beginning with understanding that adults work in different ways and just because a member of my staff didn't do a task the way I would or had, then I let go. The work STILL GOT DONE!

I made sure to start to look for a job in an related field that would offer me less responsibility, hopefully similar wages and ultimately more time with my kids. I did it. Giving in my notice was awful. But it was the best decision.

I now have a much better work life balance. I don't work outside of my hours (unless imperative). I don't use my work phone unless I'm on duty.

Don't let work eat you up. Good luck

Thank you. Yeah I am looking at changing my work area, even for a little bit. I just need to change a lot and I think maybe admitting I have a problem can be the best step to resolving this.

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Loopytiles · 05/05/2024 11:04

Y indeed. There are a lot of immediate changes you can make, and build on

daisychain01 · 05/05/2024 11:06

When you put all your career eggs in one basket, both psychologically/emotionally and to the detriment of your loved ones, the risk is that if the job goes pear-shaped, the fall will be so much greater and more painful.

it's good that you've recognised the dichotomy, now you need to take steps to set your priorities in a more balanced way, don't delay happiness. It doesn't mean you have to scale back your career, it just seems like you are doing way more than you need to, for no real benefit or reward.

My benchmark has become - do enough to be given a Met Expectation at Annual review but don't bother about busting a gut for Exceed Expectation. The degree of effort to get Exceed just isn't worth it for the sacrifices made. It tends to be awarded to people who are maxing their effort for a promotion, have done excessive hours and over delivered at the cost of the rest of their life or who have achieved more than they're paid for at their grade. Do enough to be a solid performer but don't overdo it, it isn't sustainable year after year.