Resignation...how honest to be?

[Tatiepot]

I've resigned from an organisation I love due to an incompetent and toxic manager. I'm freelance so resigning is a big deal and I've offered a long notice period to soften the blow. Trouble is I can't openly talk about the manager - he's great at looking like he knows what he's doing, it's actually very impressive, but there are a few of us who know exactly how sh!te he is and suffer the effects on our workloads, additional hours (unpaid) and stress levels...which is why I have quit.

A senior manager has asked why I am leaving, copying in the manager, so I have just responded that it wasn't an easy decision and left it at that; I'm working on "least said soonest mended" and I do other work for this business (unaffected by this decision in the short-term, long term who knows) so I don't want to poison the pot, even though I feel very strongly that senior managers should know exactly what's been going on. Similarly with colleagues, some of whom are becoming friends, I've not been able to be truthful.

I hate that I've had to make a difficult decision which makes me look bad (I am a very diligent worker in a specialist area and trade on my integrity) without the ability to say anything. I am hurt, emotionally and financially, through doing this and I so want someone at the top to realise the reality...but I think they just don't want to see it.

If any of you have been in a similar position, how did you deal with it, and get past it? I love my work and it's gutting to have had to give this up because of someone else's temperament and lack of abilities (he clearly lied at interview and ever since) and it's so so hard to see him feted when my reason for leaving cannot be acknowledged.

If you feel like you get on well and can trust Snr manager you could consider telling them in person. But don't put anything other than the vaguest platitudes in writing

Have a chat off the record.

As above, don’t put anything in writing, but I would also be uncertain of speaking to anyone if it will affect your future business.
I am in a similar position at the moment though haven’t quit yet. It’s heartbreaking but I just have to find the right way forward.

I agree with the others above. Phone them and ask to meet in person? I've been in a similar position to you OP and it felt really horrible and unsatisfactory as an ending. I did have an exit interview, which I tried to be honest in, but realistically I don't think it made any difference... Reflected in the fact that the person who caused me to quit is still in the team 6 years later! But I felt at least by being honest I'd had a voice/ opportunity to be heard.

Why shouldn't OP put anything in writing?

Be as honest as you like, if doing so won't hurt your future prospects.

Pretty sure I've worked for this guy!

I agree don't put anything in writing, but if there's anyone you feel safe with, could be an idea to have a word. Knowing these things can be helpful, cumulatively, when organisations finally realise they need to oust someone.

If I was freelance and in this position and I would maybe want to work with them again in future I’d be extremely careful what I said.

If the senior manager or HR wanted to talk about it, I would give them a very subtle “shit sandwich”. eg “I love my work and I hope you have found me to be diligent, committed and effective because I do feel I’ve really grown whilst working here. In many ways I am extremely sorry to be leaving but I’m keen to pursue my work in an environment where I think I will continue to thrive and grow. Sometimes however it has been difficult to do my best work her due to differences in approach that I haven’t been able to resolve with EvilManager. I realise EvilManager is well regarded but it has not always been easy to work for him. I will really miss being in the team, and I do hope we can work together again in future.”

Thanks everyone and eeeek I hadn't even thought about an exit interview cos it will be with him, how will I keep my face straight (poker player I am not!)

Your general agreement on softly softly has really helped me, my personal outrage at what has had to happen is eating me alive atm; heartbreaking and horrible are indeed the word @SilverBranchGoldenPears @mummabubs and my natural temperament inclines me to be brutally honest, but now is not the time, and I just need to hope that as @Stakhanovite says, waiting for the cumulative realisation to strike is probably the game I need to be playing. "Shit sandwich" @UndecidedAboutEverything I've not heard that for a long while and it's made me😁on a dour day, thank you!

If I had a good relationship with the senior manager, I might have a conversation in a "thought you should know for the good of the company" kind of way, but I wouldn't write anything down.

OK, your further advice needed. I've just had a message from Senior Manager demanding to know why I have resigned, and casting doubt on the quality of my work in a very hostile way...not happy at all...I feel like I'm being made the scapegoat here.

I wouldn't say anything. You could come across him in another role in another company down the line. Stay professional and pleasant.

Respond to the critique of your work in a calm, neutral and professional manner. Make an excuse for leaving which is vague.

You’ve resigned - what is the worst that can happen? They can’t fire you! I’d say to SM you’d been intending to go quietly, but seeing as they’ve asked… in confidence it’s due to the dreadful manager.

Looks like your toxic manager has got in there quick to bad mouth you because they are shit scared that you are going to drop them in it. I'd arrange a meeting with the senior manager and be candid but off the record. You need to protect your reputation.

Ask for a 1:1 with the senior manager. Talk it through and I’d probably be honest, with factual examples you can prove.

Good idea, but this phrasing makes it sound like a mere personality clash.

How about 'evil manager has an excellent reputation but having been his colleague/direct report for some time now I'm finding the reality is too far of a departure to make continuing under that leadership no longer mutually acceptable.'

That is pretty damn clear so maybe too much, but you really need to steer and language away from it seeming like just a personality clash or that will only reflect badly on you and put a black mark on your name.

You need to say nothing or subtly signpost to the need to look under the hood.

I think this is best, especially as it sounds like evil manager has got the wind up him and has put in a preemptive strike!

The fact his tone has changed so abruptly suggests Mr Facade is covering his arse.

I’m in a similar position but I’m not freelance.
I work in a role which absolutely should not be seeing the high turnover of staff which it does.
It’s making me feel ill.
In all honestly I think the manager should be hauled over the coals and asked bluntly why they cannot retain staff.
In reality, I know that I will be yet another casualty.
It’s now at the stage where none of my close work colleagues attend any work dos or participate in any ‘well being’ shit.
When asked I’m going to lie and say I have lots of commitments etc so unfortunately can’t spare the time.
It’s an awful position to be in BUT senior managers/HR should wake the hell up and see what’s happening.
Oh and my dd is in a similar position. Absolutely everyone hates her boss.

Then s/he has just outed himself/herself as part of the problem.

Honesty is out of the question now - what matters is just getting away from these people.

The message doesn't make sense: if the senior manager was so unhappy about the quality of your work, then why would s/he be so pissed about you resigning?

Print the message and keep it.

I wouldn't say anything, it won't stay confidential and may impact you in the future (references, reputation etc)

I disagree with many of the comments on this thread. As a freelancer protect your reputation at all costs. I have worked in this kind of role in corporates for many years, operating at a senior level. There are shit people in every organisation and they are recognised. Approach the most senior person that you have a relationship and informally tell them why you have resigned. If you are as good as you say you are it is the correct strategy.

I don't know which sector you are in, but why do you think resigning will reflect so awfully on YOU? Surely people in your sector move away, have changing lifestyles, find better jobs? Are they expected to stay with the same company forever? 😕

I worked somewhere toxic and my boss had no experience of our sector at all! She would book clients 2hrs before my start time- but not tell me, then scream at me for not being there 'on time'.

If you sector is so niche and small, I'd be very cautious saying too much. I've met colleagues many years later and a professional attitude/memory is much better than someone that blabs about others. Only you know the relationship with your senior boss and whether an off the record chat would be beneficial or detrimental in the long run. It will soon become clear to them how incompetent your boss is. I'd suspect that even if you said nothing, glass door or similar will show him up.

They never took notice when I mentioned it in my role and they go back a decade so I didnt push it.
I wish I'd mentioned pay but my thirst for revenge against nasty colleagues disappeared fast and the jacket I wore everyday including weekends? I suddenly fell out of love with it the day I came home after 5.5 years and sat down for a lonely fish and chips at 10pm.
I don't know if it's different if you really feel pushed out for that sole reason

From your senior manager's latest message it sounds like they won't be using you going forward.

I'd still be very circumspect in what I said, though.

Thanks everyone, I have been in touch with the Senior Manager and assured him of my professionalism and commitment and he has responded saying he has not doubted it and is looking forward to working with me on the other contract...so that is a huge relief after a sleepless night.

It is very, very hard as several PP have said, to find yourself in this situation and be on the wrong side of an apparent closing of ranks, led by the toxic manager either not responding to emails or just giving one or two word answers. As many of you have said, he'll hopefully get found out at some point, it's just damn frustrating having to leave a job I love because they can't/won't see that they need to get rid of him.

If they keep pushing for a reason I will say something very bland as you have all suggested, much as it goes against the grain there is no point in being honest as I just don't think they're able to listen. Such a shame.