Resignation...how honest to be?

[Tatiepot]

I've resigned from an organisation I love due to an incompetent and toxic manager. I'm freelance so resigning is a big deal and I've offered a long notice period to soften the blow. Trouble is I can't openly talk about the manager - he's great at looking like he knows what he's doing, it's actually very impressive, but there are a few of us who know exactly how sh!te he is and suffer the effects on our workloads, additional hours (unpaid) and stress levels...which is why I have quit.

A senior manager has asked why I am leaving, copying in the manager, so I have just responded that it wasn't an easy decision and left it at that; I'm working on "least said soonest mended" and I do other work for this business (unaffected by this decision in the short-term, long term who knows) so I don't want to poison the pot, even though I feel very strongly that senior managers should know exactly what's been going on. Similarly with colleagues, some of whom are becoming friends, I've not been able to be truthful.

I hate that I've had to make a difficult decision which makes me look bad (I am a very diligent worker in a specialist area and trade on my integrity) without the ability to say anything. I am hurt, emotionally and financially, through doing this and I so want someone at the top to realise the reality...but I think they just don't want to see it.

If any of you have been in a similar position, how did you deal with it, and get past it? I love my work and it's gutting to have had to give this up because of someone else's temperament and lack of abilities (he clearly lied at interview and ever since) and it's so so hard to see him feted when my reason for leaving cannot be acknowledged.

I'm not sure I understand the dynamics here. If you're freelance, you work for yourself, not them; you don't "resign", you just don't have future availability for work from them and there certainly won't be an "exit interview". You have other clients, blah blah.

Don't put personal criticism on paper. You might want a reference. Request a short 1:1 with someone you trust to speak, 'in confidence'. Could you not do this prior to resigning and possibly action would be taken to improve the shit manager.

I have been in a similar toxic situation with a toxic manager, team lead and department head.

People leave bad managers, not jobs. To date my old manager has had a revolving door of so many people who will not work for him again. This means the business suffers. Management will eventually know this but they need to decide whether to do anything about it.

You do not need to have an exit interview and unless you can provide off the record feedback to someone you trust. But otherwise you are best to let it go in your own interests.

I told my HR everything about why I left (similar to you - a crap manager who all but ruined the team and service).

I really resent the way we feel we have to pussyfoot around our employers with regard to this type of thing.

It's a shame our managers don't have to get references from us!

I know it's confusing - I am freelance but it was a long-term "in house" piece of work. Thank you for the reminder about not having to have an exit interview @DreadPirateRobots I will stick to that when he tries to insist, he likes to show his power in things like that...and I will enjoy being able to demur...small victories and all that!

What is so frustrating is how managers like this are never thoroughly questioned over it.
Surely the top boss/HR can see for themselves the revolving door of staff leaving.
They absolutely must know that staff are reluctant to say too much as they need a reference.

Senior management don't often care about bad managers who repel talent . I really got on with my last boss. He had a lot of integrity and I would say also a tough character when needed. However he never head on tackled my line manager. I've heard of odd fallings out like when she asked for a reward for helping the new sales manager with the sales price list(very easy admin task ) and a task which I had done similar things to all the time without asking for compensation. He replied with it's your job. She argued back and he said do you want to get HR involved. She later went back and fake apologised and grovelled to paraphrase what she said and said he'd been really difficult recently 🙄
But she'll never get a cushy wfh job anywhere else or the chance to be as lazy .

They had a history going back a decade when he was entry level and she had been there several years

When I had a week long handover with the new girl, I asked her to come in early last day as we had very little time together. (I'd unofficially managed people for a couple of years now and our office is casual and flexitime so it was a fair request). My line manager made a massive deal over it and questioned her on Teams. I gave a heads up to my manager but don't know what happened. I was a naive 27 when I started but this lady was 38 and knew the sketch. No person with self respect puts up with that .
I also used to smooth things over with every new temp that came in and rotated every year. I had to downplay the rudeness and the pettiness over logging time( I'd long since stopped running things by her for the hassle and personal attacks like being accused of taking advantage. That wasn't the general culture of the management and after 5 years in the job I'd stopped being so weird about this stuff. I'd grown up a bit)
And I kind of regret smoothing it over for all I suffered with her.

Scapegoating is not unusual. I left a role after just a few months due to insane levels of micromanagement. Once I resigned, my own evil manager and the overall boss treated it as if I had been fired by them, suddenly inventing performance issues, etc.

Some managers are incapable of realising that they are the problem. Once I handed in my resignation, I found out via another member of staff (who also resigned shortly after I did) that I was one of 5 people to resign in an 18 month period due to the awful work culture and micromanagement (in a very small company).

I wouldn't say anything - it's not necessary. Just be professional and discreet.