Both parents commuting to London with young children

[Corilee2806]

I’m on a career break which was meant to be some time to think and work out what to do but I’m more confused than ever!

Civil servant in Westminster for 10 years, however my commute is nearly 2 hours door to door from just outside London. I work 3 days and have mostly got by going in 1 day a week for the last 2 years. However now with the new 60% attendance I’ll be expected to go in 2 days a week and it sounds like this will be enforced ie action taken if not compliant.

My children are 5 and 3 and we don’t use nursery - from September (when I’ll poss be back at work) we’re relying on school wrap around care 2 days a week and grandparents but even then, with the length of the commute it will be a struggle. I’ll be with my son on the other 2 days as he is only doing preschool part time so spreading my hours not an option.

My husband has a full on job, senior role so has to commute to London most days, often out 12 hours. We can live on just his salary pretty easily but I didn’t want this career break to become permanent.

The obvious solution is find a job locally but very limited part time options round here and I don’t want to work full time - and I feel quite pigeon holed as a civil servant.

I feel like all I can do is keep commuting to London one day a week and hope for the best but it’s not ideal. I know 2 days doesn’t sound a lot but by the time you factor in 13 weeks of school hols, very unreliable train service and constant child illness it just doesn’t work…

why am I finding this so hard to find a solution?!

@Corilee2806 an election may change things. I doubt it will happen quickly. One, I am not sure labour is as much of a shoe in as everyone hopes. And even if they do there is so much big stuff to fix that things like civil service terms will see small fry in comparison. If lucky individual line managers may be able to flex for staff more, but I am definitely getting told I need to three line whip my team. No negotiation. And we are having a moratorium on any further flexible arrangements for the foreseeable.

I don't think there will sunny uplands any time soon.

I am very torn about letting go of my career doing something I believe in, but I will only ever get one shot at being a mum. Careers come and go.

Have you considered your local gov OP? It's easy to transfer the pension across.

Fellow CS, although I live in zone 3 so not really an issue.

Is your department counting work from hubs or are you near any agencies etc? My dept have also said we can do the 60% over a week, month or quarter, so could you get it all out the way in a chunk, doing some overnights in London? The other possibility of course is a home working contract, but you'll lose London weighting and I personally don't think it's great for your career not to be seen around or available to brief etc (depending on your role).

Also I think enforcement is going to massively depend on a) department and their ability to monitor and actually house everyone and b) your director. Which isn't great to plan with really.

I read a bit of Melinda Gates' autobiography once.

She took a new job in the wrong direction for her kids' school and was wondering how to manage.

Bill took on some drop offs.

Other dads followed his lead.

Your DH should think about the example he's setting more junior staff.

I also used Koru Kids for a while but the best nanny we had was the young adult son of a friend.

Feels hard because it is hard. I have 2 friends civil servants in Westminster and they’re equally worried about the 60%!

And yes, also agree with your DH leaning in. In my CS dept we have some very senior men role modeling taking on more of the domestic load which I think is really helpful. This is not just your problem.

That doesn’t exist outside London sadly.

OP, I would definitely look at an afternoon nanny. If you can drop off in the morning and then have someone pick up at the end if the afternoon session - 2 days a week - say 1-7, that would work.

otherwise just take a career break for a couple of years.

The problem doesn’t get better after a couple of years, does it? There will still be issues getting back for finish times of after school care?

Is it Koru Kids that isn’t available outside London? I had a quick look but couldn’t really see much for my area. But it sounds great!

Love the Bill Clinton anecdote! In the CS definitely seeing more SCS dads doing compressed hours etc. just a shame not all organisations catching up as quickly.

I think it will take a while to see how the 60% thing bears out and it does cause so much worry for a lot of people - yes it might all be fine but it also might not. So much down to departments, directors and individual line managers! I did think about a home working contract although it does have downsides, but I know people are applying for it and being turned down unless they have reasonable adjustments etc. again sure this varies between departments.

I would get an au pair

Au pairs are more difficult to get post brexit and also more difficult to get outside of major cities.

But it’s worth looking, if you have a spare room, op.

Or a lodger who is willing to do au pair type stuff for reduced rent

OP your 3 yo could still go to nursery for whatever free hours you get (which will be enough for socialisation and school prep) and have the nanny on top.

We only get 15hrs so my 3yo does 5x mornings term time (8.30-11.30) and we have a nanny for 4 full days (9.30-6pm). In the hour before she leaves to pick up DC2 from nursery she does meal prep, tidies the house etc. She then picks up DC1 from school at 3.30 and does the clubs, play dates etc. She also covers holidays, sickness, can stay later if there’s an emergency at work (rare)…it’s a dream.

Before DC2 started nursery she did the same hours. Kids adore her so I’ve kept paying her even for the time dc2 is at nursery, but because nursery is free it makes no difference and she actually does so much useful and helpful stuff in that time.

I’m a lawyer in private practice and I have to say that logging back in and working after the kids are asleep is also just part of life for me. I’m completely used to it now and for me it’s a worthwhile trade off for maintaining career but being able to put the kids to bed most nights. You’re a more experienced parent now and as the kids are older too you might find that the shorter London day + evening work does work as an alternative, if they do start to clamp down on office attendance.

I was in this position (not CS tho). We needed before school care as well as ASC, so we ended up getting a nanny. It was very expensive and my role didnt really offer any progression so im a SAHM for now ....

And where on earth would one find such a creature? Lodgers are likely to have work/study/both hours.

@Compsearch we get 15 hours too. This set up sounds like a dream - this is what we need, after school and holidays. And being able to run them round to clubs etc as they get bigger.

sadly au pair etc not an option as no spare room. I think it will take us a while to find what we need as less options where we live (plenty of full time/whole day Nannies, less part time) but I’m not due back to work til late summer so there’s time. I do have after school club places sorted for 2 days so can get by for a while with some grandparent help too but it’s not a long term solution.

have done logging in the evening to catch up on and off for years and I never find it easy but I don’t mind doing it time to time - wouldn’t want it to be part of my hours every day though. Too much else to do in the evenings!

@Corilee2806 yes it is the dream, but we are paying for a full time nanny even though we don’t need it!

I don’t think it will make sense to do that once dc2 starts school. DH currently works 4 days but may split to 2 x half days (self-employed) so will look to get an after school nanny for those 3 days.

That’s what we did and it did work well though it was expensive. When DC2 went to school our nanny left and I realised how much she’d done!

@Corilee2806 I’m in Herts too. DH and I both in finance, senior roles, need to be in the City 3x a week. We have an afterschool nanny who also cleans and does meal prep.

My bit of Herts has some decent holiday clubs that do 8-6pm and we either juggle early/late in the office (week before Christmas for example) or we have the Nanny working through the holidays.

A couple of parents at school are in CS and they do similar to us in the holidays.

St Albans and Hertford both have decent nanny agencies but Koru Kids is good too.