Both parents commuting to London with young children

[Corilee2806]

I’m on a career break which was meant to be some time to think and work out what to do but I’m more confused than ever!

Civil servant in Westminster for 10 years, however my commute is nearly 2 hours door to door from just outside London. I work 3 days and have mostly got by going in 1 day a week for the last 2 years. However now with the new 60% attendance I’ll be expected to go in 2 days a week and it sounds like this will be enforced ie action taken if not compliant.

My children are 5 and 3 and we don’t use nursery - from September (when I’ll poss be back at work) we’re relying on school wrap around care 2 days a week and grandparents but even then, with the length of the commute it will be a struggle. I’ll be with my son on the other 2 days as he is only doing preschool part time so spreading my hours not an option.

My husband has a full on job, senior role so has to commute to London most days, often out 12 hours. We can live on just his salary pretty easily but I didn’t want this career break to become permanent.

The obvious solution is find a job locally but very limited part time options round here and I don’t want to work full time - and I feel quite pigeon holed as a civil servant.

I feel like all I can do is keep commuting to London one day a week and hope for the best but it’s not ideal. I know 2 days doesn’t sound a lot but by the time you factor in 13 weeks of school hols, very unreliable train service and constant child illness it just doesn’t work…

why am I finding this so hard to find a solution?!

@Lostthetastefordahlias thanks for posting, a lot of what you said resonated! I hope my husband can get into more of a set day like yours has, it sounds similar but I think in his position he has to set the culture and say this is what’s happening, easier said that done though. I would like a set up similar to yours if I can make it work!

I'm a single parent and I employed a nanny housekeeper, in circumstances where I have a senior level job, which can occasionally need me to stay at work for something or other.

Childcare, cleaning, washing, shopping and cooking all sorted, which makes for a very efficient household, and I get to spend real quality time with DC, not rushing around doing chores when I am home.

Could your husband do 4 days a week till your youngest is at school?

PT nannies might be possible

It doesn’t sound THAT bad though

But otherwise have a think about a career shift, dumping your earning capacity not a smart move as you say

Don’t let your DH say, “oh it’s difficult to set the culture…” as an excuse to do nothing. Some men have an unconscious belief that it’s easy for women to ask for flexibility.

It’s difficult for you both! More difficult for you, in fact, cos you have set rules about office days in the CS.

I have found it easier as I got more senior to work my job around childcare and - if it helps him to think of it this way - he would be setting a good example for the firm that whatever family friendly policies they have are for senior and junior staff alike.

Unfortunately no possibility of him reducing his hours, he also earns far more than I do so a pay cut wouldn’t be ideal.

i realise plenty of people do this full time and 2 days doesn’t sound a lot but due to our circumstances it feels like it is! Unsurprisingly, I haven’t been able to find many families locally who have this set up to see how they make it work. Which says a lot.

Round by us, this sort of work is done by older teenagers(college age) who are known to the family. They collect from school as their college timetable allows it, feed/play with/bath/do light housework until parent gets home. Still allows them time to get their homework done other nights, and they're earning without having to travel/do shifts at weekends and stuff. It seems to work well.

DS and DiL had a wonderful nanny who became more of housekeeper. She would give the children breakfast and take them to school, walk the dog, get odd bits of shopping, tidy up, do a bit of light cleaning and cook supper etc.

Obviously it depends what industry your DH is in, but if he is office based (as opposed to say a surgeon) I would push back on his 'I cant change my hours' bollocks. What he really means is he doesn't want to because he (possibly even subconsciously) doesn't want to compromise his career, doesn't want to be seen as uncommitted or unfocused. To get to his position has no doubt meant long hours and hard graft but he is now a parent and like millions of women do as default, he needs to make some sacrifices. Even one pick up or drop off will not only take the load off you, but means he is a more active parent and not just lumping parenting on you. Honestly, I know so many high earning men who do fuck all because they know their wife will do it.

You hire a nanny. It really isn’t rocket science. It’s much better for the kids too as they’re not stuck in wrap around every day and can go to sports clubs / have friends over etc. All their laundry and admin will be taken care of too - eg party gifts chosen and bought/ forms filled in and sent to school / school bags packed with the right stuff for the right days.

A nanny seems like the solution to me. The 3 year old wouldn't need nursery anymore so you'd save money that way.

I’d hire a nanny but your DH can set the culture if he wants to and wfh one day a week.

For those saying just hire a nanny - firstly this is not something I’ve ever been able to consider before as it wasn’t for ‘people like us’ as it tends to be something only very high earners can afford - so it’s a very new concept, hence all the head fuckery about it all! that’s why I’ve posted on this board and hearing different viewpoints has been really helpful. However I’m not going to take my 3.5 year old DS who very much benefits from socialising and a structured environment out of preschool - I know he really needs that so if we can find someone to cover the after school hours that would be best. Or put him back in nursery but that means separate drop offs and then he’s back in school next year anyway.

totally agree with what’s been said about men setting the culture in their organisations. I did used to work where my DH does and I sympathise but he needs to step up now he’s in such a senior role - he has the power to make things better for other working parents too!

At those ages I'd be looking for an after school nanny, perhaps a childcare college student who can pick up from childcare and wraparound care then stay until 7pm or so on the two days you need it, they may be able to do some extra hours in the holidays too. Hands on experience for them too. I wouldn't leave a baby with an older teen but a verbal 3&5 year old is different. Get someone starting a 2 year course in September and you are sorted for 2 years!

Nannies socialise children! They take them to playgroups and activities every day - they’re not sat at home alone in front of the tv!

If you don’t want to stop completely can you look at two days a week which means commuting just once?

Yes I do know nannies take children out and to groups etc, of course! I just think based on my son’s needs and personality he will benefit from the structure of pre school in the run up to starting full time next September.

And yes I’ve considered dropping hours. Just need to find a role or jobshare that would work on that basis which is very doable in CS, less so if I tried to start from scratch and find a new local employer (I’m in Herts which I don’t think I’ve mentioned)

it wasn’t for ‘people like us’ as it tends to be something only very high earners can afford

But you say your DH is very senior - I’m not sure your PLU are quite who you think.

Pre-school doesn’t have to fall by the way. My nanny took my DC to pre-school and collected them and before they went to pre-school used to take them to stay and play / playgroups etc.

Some CS departments or wider public sector roles are still offering remote / almost remote roles. Would you consider that?

I was main CS but recently started working for a public body (found the role on CS jobs) as they only ask me to go in 1-2 days a month. I live on the outskirts of London but a 1.5hr each way commute to Westminster meant I'd barely see my toddler.

My new office is quite a bit further - almost 3 hours each way - so it's a long day but far less frequently. Just takes a bit of diary management to make sure DH is WFH those days for drop off & pick up, but luckily he is mostly WFH too.

After-school nannying through Koru Kids starts at about £15ph all in (i.e. no employers' tax or pension to pay on top) and if you don't need it 5 days a week, it doesn't necessarily add up to buckets of money. I've previously had a privately hired after-school nanny and shortly have a new one I hired through Koru Kids starting.

Look around, not all depts in the CS have gone to 60% in the office, I'm only in 1 day a week for example.

I reckon it will all change after the election anyway.

Your DH really does need to step up though and at least attempt to change his working hours.

I would move closer - I honestly think it's usually cheaper once you factor in transport costs to live in outer London than in the home counties

We have managed this for chunks of time when DDs were small and shared pick ups and drop offs from the childminder, DH is a civil servant, me a lawyer, and we were both in the office every day too, no WFH, though I did four days a week. PIL had DDs for one day a week also, so we paid the childminder for three days a week plus covering some holidays. For a time they had a nanny instead as CM only looked after little children. With WFH some days it would be much easier. Our commutes were an hour to an hour and a half, and nurseries were not flexible enough - pick up time was too early/tight for train times. Plus I liked them being in a home environment, and the CM was at the end of the road - her house was so similar to ours!

@Corilee2806 I am in a similar position and have been doing this sort of commute for about 7 years (notwithstanding 2020-2022 and wfh).

I won't lie to you it is tough and exhausting with children. And I am sorry to burst the "it gets easier as the kids get older" vibe but in my experience it hasn't. As after schools clubs ramped up, their friendship groups and dynamics changed they needed me more. Am seriously thinking of handing my notice in and looking for a job to cover bills that I can do remotely or locally and have a better home, work, life balance.

It is rubbish. I am highly experienced and senior, but I value my family more than work.

@Thingamebobwotsit you’ve summed up how I feel! I’m already approaching there with my 5 year old so can see how this will intensify in the coming years when both children are in school.

I only regularly commuted for a few months before lockdown and it was hard then with 1 baby who was looked after by family so less pressure if trains late etc! Totally different ball game now. It’s even things like the summer clubs start at 9.30 round here - that’s so many weeks of the year!

I am conflicted about giving up my career like you but wondering if I can take the opportunity to retrain and start over - it’s something I’ve been considering for a while (when both settled in school).

I have also set up my CS job alerts for anything more local or remote working - not everything is in Westminster! I have recently come out of a job share and not even sure where that leaves me as the role I was doing is not part time. But as someone says lots will change post election - could be an opportunity!

thanks so much to everyone for the helpful replies, it really has given me a lot of food for thought and different perspective.