Toxic boss, health suffering, how do I handle this?

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Ok this is really long. Thank you in advance if you read it!

I work in an investment role at a bank. It's high pressure and there are stretching targets.

I've been in the role for 2.5yrs and in that time I've never had a fully resourced team, unlike colleagues in the same role. The job was always going to be a big step up for me but the team I was 'given' was also new to the business and so wasn't able to support me to learn the new processes and business culture. I've really struggled as a consequence.

My boss used to be supportive to an extent but when I've said how busy and stretched the team is he's accused me of being negative. Last year when I asked for a few scattered days off (rather than a week together) he asked it this was a sign that I wasn't coping. He then said 'is this role not working?' rather than offering any support. As a consequence I've felt completely unable to mention significant physical and mental health issues I've developed as a result of the workload and stress, for fear of being fired. He did at the time say he had no performance management concerns.

He's become increasingly accusatory and difficult in our 121s and I've continued to be under resourced to the point I have had further health issues. I'm working 60+ hours a week, every week.

I'm having anxiety attacks, have been for tests on my heart, referred to a psychologist etc. I've felt suicidal at times although would never actually on it. I don't have time to exercise or enjoy life with my family.

Suddenly this year he's decided I need to be on a performance improvement plan. Which could be ok except the background provided puts everything I've done in the worst possible light and essentially reads like it's making a case for dismissal. Don't know if that's normal.

It doesn't recognise that I still don't have a proper team and also that I've been given major other projects which I can't delegate.

In response to the resource issue he's now claiming that this is my own fault as my direct reports don't want to work with me. He's blamed me for people leaving who never worked with me at all. He's had conversations with members of the team without me and claims I'm asking others to do my work, that I've been a poor line manager, lots more.

In reality it's been impossible to give my team the level of support I'd like to, as a result of the workload and with all of us being new from the start and learning together. But I'm a good manager.

He's scared I think that he could be blamed for the resourcing issues plus a poor employee engagement survey and is trying to transfer it all onto me.

As part of the PIP he's saying that the new people we are hiring now to support me should work with me but report to a colleague instead. I feel this will make my position impossible as the wider team will assume I'm on the way out.

Any challenge to him however mild (we have a different perspective on things... Etc) - he reacts incredibly negatively and it makes things worse.

I'm being advised by many to go off on stress leave. I don't want to do that as I just want to get on with my deals and projects. But I may have no choice. I've basically accepted I have to leave although it was my dream role and I'm great at most aspects of it.

I'm basically terrified of the meeting I have with him this week and have been mentally going around non stop without coming up with a good way of proceeding.

Any words of advice would be really welcome. I'm hugely struggling.

In short - my advice would be to look for another job before the pip becomes official.

factors to consider: how long is your notice period? If it’s lengthy can you take a risk - resign and find another job before you reach the end of notice?

If you go on sick leave would they enact the pip anyway? Most companies would be cautious and would wait for your return but some companies would press ahead anyway. I know it’s hard for you to answer but one to consider. If you can’t resign and then find a job, depending on the above question, you could go on sick leave for a period, use that time to find a new job then resign.

My more lengthy advice would be - unless your boss suddenly leaves, this isn’t going away. You can argue your point as much as you like but he has set himself on a course that he is unlikely to back down from. I’m absolutely not saying he is right in anyway but he is in the position of power here and your options for a fair assessment of your performance are very limited.

none of that is fair - and that is truly shit. However the most pressing need for you is to exit as cleanly as you possibly can. Unless you feel very confident that there is someone above your boss who will give you a fair hearing, override your boss and approve more resource for your team your best option is to get out.

Thank you so much. This is currently an informal PIP and will be for three months. The next stage is formal.

I was thinking I could resign before the end of the formal stage, but do I need to do it before the end of the informal stage? Why?

My notice period is three months so I guess that would give me six months anyway.

I have a great CV but it's not a good job market now and I'm in a real niche. However, I might be able to pick up some consulting work for a bit.

I feel I should make the point that the PIP is completely unrealistic but I'm also scared that will push him to do something like move straight to the formal stage, shorten the time period or something else bad. I genuinely feel like he wants to break me in some way.

Once the pip is formal they can mention it in a reference - not that they automatically would but it’s definitely a risk that you’d probably prefer to avoid.

Is your manager being supported by an HR person? If so you can go down the route of talking to them and challenging the points he’s raised as issues (for example: you being the reason other people have left) and argue that the pip is unreasonable and not achievable. They may advise him to at least revise the pip. But they may also just let him do as he wishes - not all HR are balanced/fair/comfortable with challenging managers.

On the resignation front - waiting until the end of the informal pip stage doesn’t really make sense. You’ve said you think your boss wants to break you - he may just want you out and this is his very awful way of pushing you. If that’s the case, the pressure on you won’t stop until you’ve resigned.

Going through the informal phase of the pip will amp up the stress that you’re already experiencing and that makes finding another job really hard. I’d be looking for the cleanest route out that would avoid you having to go through that.

You could approach the company, say you feel you’re being treated very unfairly, you fear there’s a plan to get you out in process and you’d like to discuss an exit that avoids any unpleasantness for all parties. They might be happy to settle you out. Do you get a sense that they’ve done that before? Obviously you need more advice before you go down that road.

To be honest I wonder if you and your boss are speaking at a cross purposes

imo from reading your post, you are clearly stressed and perhaps struggling to cope in some respects. Why don’t you go off sick for a couple of weeks/months? You’ve literally said you feel suicidal so I’m not sure what you’re trying to achieve by “powering through”.

i don’t think it’s a he said vs she said situation. I actually think you’re both saying generally the same thing, that you’re stressed. You may feel stressed due to his actions, but it is still likely your stress is also impacting your performance so there might be a grain of truth in his pov too.

you need to declare your health condition, seek OH referral, go off sick, get your own legal advice and only when you return to work, will you have a chance at defending yourself. The truth is you’re not in a good headspace

I wonder if we work for the same bank as this sounds familiar.

I think your boss is managing you out and your relationship has broken down.

In your shoes I would start looking for another job. Stop working such long hours when you are viewed as not delivering despite killing yourself with long hours and no life outside work.

Start looking for another job.

Your health is more important and it sounds like a toxic workplace that will never change.

You say you're in a niche but you will have transferrable skills and experience although you may need to take a pay cut. Why are you wedded to an industry that is destroying you? Is it the money, the status, inertia, what?

Your boss is never going to change, and nor is the industry. From the sound of it they set you up to fail.

Check how many months off sick your contract allows on full pay, get signed off by your GP, polish up your CV, reach out to your contacts, the ones you can trust and find another job.

You can try registering your situation with occupational health and HR but I wouldn't hold my breath for support from either in your industry. I'm guessing your employer thinks unions are a dirty word as well.

Despite what so many materialistically successful people peddle, work is not supposed to make you suicidal. This isn't the 1980s.

I really hope you can find the strength to leave this abusive employer.

Words of encouragement:

This too will pass!

Remember this person doesn't own you, doesn't own your life and once you are free from this situation they never need matter to you again. Keep your self esteem, you have a strong CV and you have specialist skills. Nobody can take those achievements away from you. This toxic manager doesn't want you on his team, but you will be welcomed and valued somewhere else, so find that place.

taking sick leave for stress is a really good move because it will create distance and enable you to think straight. You have every right to use sick leave to escape from this mental torture, no role should require 60 hours per week.

I have a great CV but it's not a good job market now and I'm in a real niche

you will probably need to reinvent yourself and repurpose your skills in a different generalist job. Don't restrict yourself into the niche pigeonhole, be flexible in finding work where your capabilities can be equally applied.

You may need to accept a drop in salary, just to break free of this situation. It really is worth going backwards in a career at a time of crisis, to then move forward. get yourself to safety in a new role where you are needed and valued, then rebuild from there.

Break free from the oppression, don't let it 'own' you.

Thank you all so much, I'm actually in tears to have some supportive words.

I guess my reason for trying to stay in place for as long as possible rather than either going off sick or just resigning is

A. It will be easier to secure a new role from a current role.
B. My industry reputation is dependent on a track record of making deals happen and I've got some exciting ones in progress. I'd like to do them rather than someone else.

But yes I may need to cut my losses.

Why am I in the industry... Fundamentally I love it and find it exciting. I have great contacts some of whom have become friends. And yes money and status too...

Should I mention my health issues in the PIP meeting I have this week or stay silent on them? Is it worth pointing out it's all unachievable?
Or just smile and nod and get through it.

Sorry but you really sound like you need some legal advice, is there a union you can seek support from? Trusted manager?

I'm going to try and speak to a lawyer tomorrow but fundamentally I don't want to put myself through the stress of a legal challenge.

Hi OP, I went through similar, different industry but similar culture.

1. Document everything, every conversation.
2. When you receive the PIP paperwork, have a lawyer look through it with your draft responses. This cost me about 600£ but was worth it.
3. Get advice from lawyer
4. In parallel, look for a job
5. If you need to take sick, do it. It won't impact anything. You will buy time and space to think.

Don't look to fix this. It's not fixable now. Get another job.

Also, that experience you are waiting for, it's an excuse to hang on. It doesn't matter in the grander scheme of things. Don't loose ur confidence.

Your boss sounds incompetent and he is trying to show u r. But he is more powerful.

Put ur energy into looking after ur health and securing another job.

I feel it is always better to be pro active. Look for another job and start applying for some. I find it's the boost I have needed to get me through knowing I am actively doing something for my exit plan.

Yes I've started looking for a new role. It's not a matter of making applications as such, but of contacting headhunters and recruiters to see if there's anything suitable. It wouldn't be advertised. Will probably take quite a while.

Union rep here.

Your PIP objectives have to be SMART; Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound.

If they are not, or you do not feel they are achievable, you need to raise it with HR / call ACAS / your union if you are in one.

I am someone also working in an investment bank... I am confused if you are a line manager how you don't know the PIP process, have you been in the HR employee manual usually its in there? Or HR section of the intranet site?
IB is likely to be trying to push you out by putting you on a PIP, it's their main purpose in this environment. If I was you I'd be looking for a new job, because it's unlikely it will suddenly be amazing and sounds like a rubbish job anyway. Why would you want to stay???? It sounds like you are on your own, doing lots of hours for little reward.

Quite ironic opening this tonight - I've just agreed with my family that I'm going to go sick tomorrow with stress for a while.

This really resonates - not entirely same situation but same industry, bullying boss, stuck at it for over 2yrs in the misguided belief I could overcome.

My advice is he won't change, a PIP is only headed in one direction and HR is there to protect the company not you.

I'd go off sick now - before the PIP meeting happens. And then look for a job while you're off.

Very best of luck - and my sympathy and empathy for how miserable it is dealing with this toxicity.

I agree - I wouldn't be doing the hours to be treated like rubbish either!

I had a toxic boss who tried everything to get rid of me, I stuck it out and was made redundant in the end, but the experience ruined my confidence and looking back I should have got out a lot sooner. Best to find a new job, sadly this kind of behaviour in management is tolerated and there isn’t much you can do, you can’t put a price on your health or confidence.

I'm having anxiety attacks, have been for tests on my heart, referred to a psychologist etc. I've felt suicidal at times although would never actually on it. I don't have time to exercise or enjoy life with my family.

I am sorry you are going through this OP, no job is worth the level of impact on your health and family life. Things are unlikely to get any better, so it up to you now to prioritise yourself and get out as cleanly and quickly as possible. If that means getting signed off while you regroup and apply for something else so be it.

So, I spoke to a lawyer today.

He suggested that since I clearly can't stay, that I set out a Without Prejudice letter suggesting a leaving date, package, agreed narrative etc.

I like this idea as it puts me into some kind of control again. They may not accept it but it's really in their interest as they don't have to go through an annoying and long and uncertain dismissal process.

The health stuff has been going on for longer that a year so is potentially a disability issue which improves my case.

I have this PIP meeting which I've been absolutely dreading tomorrow morning. I'm going to tell him about the health issues in that meeting.

Depending on how the meeting goes, I may then self certify off with stress for a week. Which I really don't want to do.

Then I'll put this letter together with the lawyer.

I am concerned that because he is very spiteful he may not agree to the leaving thing but instead may want to just hurt me as much as possible by dragging it all out.

I’d call in sick tomorrow and give yourself time to rest and recover. I don’t see why you have to tell your shit boss anything about your health? How will that help you? Fuck em. They’d get rid of you in a heartbeat so do what’s best for you. Your lawyers advice is good.

My manager wanted it dragged out and brought up all the dirt he could find to justify the PIP. I didn't attempt a proposal... but I was ready to call him a bully with support from my lawyer if I needed it.

Ur letter plan sounds good. You can ask ur gp to give u longer than a self certified sick leave, my gp gave me 2 weeks and could have gone for longer but it was enough for the organisation to take notice. Going back after a week is going to cause anxiety and nothing more. Find a way to stay off for longer.