Ok this is really long. Thank you in advance if you read it!
I work in an investment role at a bank. It's high pressure and there are stretching targets.
I've been in the role for 2.5yrs and in that time I've never had a fully resourced team, unlike colleagues in the same role. The job was always going to be a big step up for me but the team I was 'given' was also new to the business and so wasn't able to support me to learn the new processes and business culture. I've really struggled as a consequence.
My boss used to be supportive to an extent but when I've said how busy and stretched the team is he's accused me of being negative. Last year when I asked for a few scattered days off (rather than a week together) he asked it this was a sign that I wasn't coping. He then said 'is this role not working?' rather than offering any support. As a consequence I've felt completely unable to mention significant physical and mental health issues I've developed as a result of the workload and stress, for fear of being fired. He did at the time say he had no performance management concerns.
He's become increasingly accusatory and difficult in our 121s and I've continued to be under resourced to the point I have had further health issues. I'm working 60+ hours a week, every week.
I'm having anxiety attacks, have been for tests on my heart, referred to a psychologist etc. I've felt suicidal at times although would never actually on it. I don't have time to exercise or enjoy life with my family.
Suddenly this year he's decided I need to be on a performance improvement plan. Which could be ok except the background provided puts everything I've done in the worst possible light and essentially reads like it's making a case for dismissal. Don't know if that's normal.
It doesn't recognise that I still don't have a proper team and also that I've been given major other projects which I can't delegate.
In response to the resource issue he's now claiming that this is my own fault as my direct reports don't want to work with me. He's blamed me for people leaving who never worked with me at all. He's had conversations with members of the team without me and claims I'm asking others to do my work, that I've been a poor line manager, lots more.
In reality it's been impossible to give my team the level of support I'd like to, as a result of the workload and with all of us being new from the start and learning together. But I'm a good manager.
He's scared I think that he could be blamed for the resourcing issues plus a poor employee engagement survey and is trying to transfer it all onto me.
As part of the PIP he's saying that the new people we are hiring now to support me should work with me but report to a colleague instead. I feel this will make my position impossible as the wider team will assume I'm on the way out.
Any challenge to him however mild (we have a different perspective on things... Etc) - he reacts incredibly negatively and it makes things worse.
I'm being advised by many to go off on stress leave. I don't want to do that as I just want to get on with my deals and projects. But I may have no choice. I've basically accepted I have to leave although it was my dream role and I'm great at most aspects of it.
I'm basically terrified of the meeting I have with him this week and have been mentally going around non stop without coming up with a good way of proceeding.
Any words of advice would be really welcome. I'm hugely struggling.