Husband doesn't support promotion

[Natkjdcjw]

Hi all, looking for some advice, I have been in my job for 18 months and have recently been offered a really good promotion but my husband has become very difficult with my working hours as it will be a mix of days and evenings.

Before getting this job I had been at home for 8 years raising my family, I had dealt with his digs and negative comments about me not doing anything and being lazy the whole time. One day I thought damn it I'm going to get a job and show you how good I actually am.
I found a job and absolutely love it, the place the people, being financially independent again.
He has always had an issue with my job weather it be the days I work or that I choose to do overtime instead of being at home when they are all at school or work.

In the last month I have been offered a promotion which is double pay but also double the hours. but because i have the school run in the mornings doing the early start just isnt possible, so evenings would be the best option with a couple of mid shifts in there too. i have spoken with him tonight about it and he just sees it as i am abandoning my family, but im doing it to better myself and my family.
there is no happy medium i get slated for not working and i get slated for wanting to be sucessful.
i feel so much happier no im somewhere where i am respected for the hard work i put in but i come home to negativity.

thank you

He sounds like a narcissist - you can't win either way.

What do YOU want, as it sounds like you want the promotion. Do it.

Would this salary put you on more money than him- is it breadwinner/jealousy maybe? Controlling?

Whatever you decide, congrats on the opportunity. And don't let a man boss you around.

Look for childcare alternatives, then he has no excuse. Also, no one stopping him from doing more childcare duties.

Well he sounds like a prince
does he work full time?
no you’re not abandoning your family - I think it’s brilliant and a supportive partner should do as well

You can't win because he doesn't want you to. With this type the only thing to do is please yourself and the people who care about you.

And plan to leave because he won't improve.

Well done on the promotion.

So he calls you lazy when you're not working and abandoning your family when you do well and get a promotion? Sounds like he's jealous perhaps?

I will earn nearly as much as him.
I do want this promotion, to be asked out of 150 other people is a privilege and some have been there a lot longer than I have. I was so excited and proud of myself.
After being out of work for so long to find something I love doing made me such a happier person, ok I'm tired a lot more but it doesn't stop me being present with my children, my youngest is 9 so he is growing his independence and doesn't need me around as much.

I just wish one day I would get a hug and a kiss and for him to say well done I'm proud of you.
But all I get met with is more issues which makes me second guess my choices

Either way you can’t win, and that’s exactly what he wants.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Look into your options for childcare so that you’re not dependent on him.

Congratulations 🙌
very well done on the promotion 👏
Of course you should take it and this will only be the start of better things for you .
Dont ever consider holding yourself back for anyone.
You have children to support , they are the most important responsibility in your life .
Never let any man , even a husband , get in the way of that .
good luck 🍀

No respect for you.

It will probably escalate, don't let him grind you down. Every time he is negative, call him out.

I would have a plan.

Tosser.
We are proud of you @Natkjdcjw, you go for the promotion. Good luck and congratulations. 🍾

It sounds like jealousy to be honest, does he believe that women belong in the kitchen / housework etc type thing?

Have you had this out with him before, or have you just grinned and never stuck up for yourself? How did it go down either way?

You deserve better to be honest. He should be celebrating your achievements, as you both end up with a better life really - you get to go on more holidays as a family, and more stability etc, how is that not a good thing?

Sounds like jealousy/narcism.

Out of curiosity when he gets promotions etc, do you normally celebrate it etc, and "idolise" him etc? maybe that's what it is? He wants to be the man of the house?

It's teaching your child to work hard, and that's not a bad thing. If your child is already 9, they'll be walking home from school in a couple more years....

personally I'd have argued about this by now. lol 😂

Definitely accept the promotion. Whatever you do will be right in his mind so put yourself first. As others have said you are not abandoning your DCs. You are supporting them. Also, put some money away and open bank/savings accounts for the children and have your mother/father/sibling for a second signature if they want 2. Don’t let him to access the savings.

Of course he doesn’t want you to take the promotion! He used to be able to make snide comments and put you down and lord it over you making the money. Which made him feel good about himself. And if you take this promotion he won’t be able to any more.

And it makes him look a bit pathetic. All these years out of the workplace and you are now earning nearly as much as him!

Are you definitely being compensated fairly for this promotion? Double the pay, but double the hours doesn't sound like upward progression.

His reaction does seem poor though. Is he worried about the impact or inconvenience this change will mean for him/the family? Have you discussed this with him?

I might be a bit irritated if my husband made a decision about his career that would indirectly, yet adversely impact mine. That's not to say I wouldn't support it, just that a conversation about it all would be important.

So true for the last sentence. Jealous.

We have argued many times, it lead to me swapping a Saturday for a Sunday because me working a Saturday stopped him doing what he wanted (he works on his cars) as he would have to watch the children.
I have always stuck up for myself because I do it for my family. Christmas birthdays etc I spoil them all rotten, and make sure they have good days out when we go. I don't actually benefit much from my wages as I give my family everything but that's exactly what I love to do. And with the new position I can do a whole lot more.

Yes he is very old fashioned in the sense I should be at home with the children and being a housewife, I have never in my life been housewife material I get bored at home even on my days off. I quit my previous job because I knew my youngest would be my last child (I have 3) so I wanted to enjoy every minute with them all. But after lockdown he was in school I was miserable. I needed a purpose and I found one along with a really good bunch of people who are great friends.

Yes whenever something good happens I always make a big deal, I brought him a lovely congratulations present when he passed his hgv test!

I love the man to death but he just can't seem to be happy for me

Yes we have had many conversations over the past few weeks and it always ends up in an argument. I would never make a decision without talking with him and the children.

The only inconvenience it would be to him is that he would have to cook dinner for him and the children which I would always prepare in the day.

Bet you do everything...

Also I only work part time hours now, on just above minimum wage. So I would be working full time hours for double the money

Take the job ditch the husband

So are you going to get double the hourly rate? Because what you’re describing sounds like instead of getting £100 for 10 hours you’ll get £200 for 20 hours. Which is still great if it’s what you want, but a promotion should be an hourly rate increase, whether or not the number of hours increase.

Your husband though, he’s just a good old fashioned dickhead isn’t he? Why do you love him? You sound brilliant to me - you’re hard working, you’ve gone out and done something positive to make your life better, you love your children and family. And he just wants you to slave away at home where he can look down on you.

Thank him for sharing his perspective and tell him you’re doing it anyway. The fucker can’t have it both ways- you either contribute in a meaningful way financially or you don’t.

I took some time away from work when my kids were little as well, and now I’m trying to make up for my lack of private pension contributions. It’s those kind of things that women (including me!) just don’t think of.

Put your own interests first, because he’s definitely prioritising his own.

You say he wants you to be a housewife, but when you were, he belittled you for not earning money.

Now you're earning money, he wants you to simultaneously be a housewife and still do all the cooking, cleaning and running around after him.

He can piss off. You've achieved approximately the same pay packet as him in just 18 months after an 8 year career gap, whilst he's spent his whole life working on his career; maybe he's better suited to be a house husband while you bring home the bacon?

I love the man to death . What do you love about him?

Is your actual hourly rate increasing or would you just be doing more hours?

Congratulations!
Your husband sounds just like my ex- in the end I just did as I wanted to do as there was no pleasing him. I think that this is the only way to deal with this kind of catch 22 situation.

Take the job! Enjoy it! It's wonderful to be an independent adult. Don't sit around waiting to please everyone. Be a man: please yourself and ... shock... people will cope.

If your husband were offered similar he'd just announce it and expect you to celebrate a promotion with him. If he changed his hours, he'd just be expecting you to adapt your life.

I've been in a similar position. I took the job and I've never regretted it. Mr. Tarheel never liked it but he just had to deal.