Husband doesn't support promotion

[Natkjdcjw]

Hi all, looking for some advice, I have been in my job for 18 months and have recently been offered a really good promotion but my husband has become very difficult with my working hours as it will be a mix of days and evenings.

Before getting this job I had been at home for 8 years raising my family, I had dealt with his digs and negative comments about me not doing anything and being lazy the whole time. One day I thought damn it I'm going to get a job and show you how good I actually am.
I found a job and absolutely love it, the place the people, being financially independent again.
He has always had an issue with my job weather it be the days I work or that I choose to do overtime instead of being at home when they are all at school or work.

In the last month I have been offered a promotion which is double pay but also double the hours. but because i have the school run in the mornings doing the early start just isnt possible, so evenings would be the best option with a couple of mid shifts in there too. i have spoken with him tonight about it and he just sees it as i am abandoning my family, but im doing it to better myself and my family.
there is no happy medium i get slated for not working and i get slated for wanting to be sucessful.
i feel so much happier no im somewhere where i am respected for the hard work i put in but i come home to negativity.

thank you

Be ready for him to sabotage you.

It sounds like he wants you to live your life around what he wants from it, but wouldn't do similar.

I think he feels threatened to be honest. Others are right - in all that time your husband didn't go and follow the money, and he could have but was too lazy basically. It's his own fault.

Just do it anyway - worst case you can meal prep and defrost from the freezer. Time for him to learn how to cook...

Are you getting double your current wage per hour? Or is your wage doubting by working extra hours?

Husband is wrong either way.

So many have asked about the hours and wage increases.

So I'm currently on a part time contract up to 20 hours a week with chance of over time so 3 to 4 days always during school times and I work all day on a Sunday. All at just above current minimum wage.

With the new position I can have 35 hours and over time if I choose to. But the wage is double that with a small bonus for working a Sunday. Yes it's an extra 15-20 hours a week but with working evenings it isn't going to make much difference because we don't do anything in the evening, we're both tired from the days work, I will be home all day Doing the things I should be doing around the house.
I always meal plan and prepare as much as I can before I leave in the mornings at 7am now. So if anything I will have more time at home. All he would have to do is collect our son sometimes (he never does the school run) and cook tea. My teenage has his chores to do. So the rest would be normal except I would be at work.

He doesn't like change, that's where the negativity comes from.
But my life needs change, I'm a clever person and I always feel like I'm being held back.

I was a young mum I had my eldest son at 17 I am now 38 so have dedicated the best part of my life to my family I have worked inbetween my children but when I was expecting my youngest I made the choice to be at home.
So I have always put them first and been there for my family.
I just think at nearly 40 I should be able to do something for myself without being made to feel guilty about it.

My parents and my in laws are the only ones that are super excited and have offered help for me with school collections if needed. But my little man has also said he would be happy with going to after school club. So I have support from everyone except the person I look to it the most

He's horrible op.

I bet he doesn't do any school runs, cleaning or cooking does he?

Take the job but reevaluate your relationship.

He doesn't cook or do the school run but I am absolutely fine with that as it's my mummy chat time. I don't drive at the moment I have saved my butt off to do an intensive training course starting April. So if it's raining and he is at home he will take us.
Cleaning wise he is brilliant can't fault him there. When he finishes early I will come home and he will have done all the main bits I do everyday after work.

Well done OP, it’s hard starting again after being out of work for so long and you have done great. Tell him he’s going to have to start splitting the load with kids and chores. I think he enjoyed lording it over you for years and now he can’t, he also doesn’t want to have to do anything at home I expect. It sounds like he put you down a lot instead of encouraging and supporting. How old are your kids? Are you sure you want to actually keep him? He sounds mean, selfish and an utter drag on your positivity.

Havr you posted about him before? Not supporting you? Working on his cars on Saturday rings a bell.

Just take the job and he will have to get used to it. He has no right to prevent you from doing what feels right for you. It might affect him but it sounds like he just doesn't like the prospect of a bit of change and that's not a good reason. (Plus tell him to stop being a whinger.)

The thing is I'm not asking him to do extra around the house or putting more responsibility on to him. I am simply asking him to do the kids tea my eldest son is 20 he no longer lives with us he has moved in with his girlfriend, middle son is 16 he has a number of chores he has to complete to help us, youngest son is just 9 but even he has a couple of little chores he has to complete.
All I am actually asking for is support and for him to bloody cook dinner when I'm not here, and collect our son from school when needed. That will only be a couple of nights a week the other days I will still do during the day.
I'm not asking him to come out in the middle of the night to collect me from work my boss has already sorted that until I pass my test. Which is only a couple of months away.
In my head I don't feel I'm being selfish or unreasonable.
His main concern is that I have to work a Saturday which is his day apparently! (I wish I had a day of the week that was classed as mine!!!!)

Exactly that OP, ask him when "your" day is.

Congratulations on your promotion.

You won't win with this man so you might as well do what is best for you.

Congratulations on the promotion.

His ego is hurt, ignore him. But if I were you I'd negotiate more money for the promotion too. A man would!

As long as you changing your hours genuinely isn’t to the detriment of anyone I would just tell him that it wasn’t a discussion it was an announcement. If he doesn’t like that then too bad.

But I do have to say that doubling your salary for double the hours doesn’t sound like a fair promotion to me, it just sounds like an increase in hours. There’s of course nothing wrong with changing your hours and the response wrt your DH stands. But you need to make sure that you’re being fairly compensated for this promotion. Because from what you’re saying it doesn’t sound like it.

I am another one not quite getting the pay. Will your hourly rate increase by much? Sometimes you do have to be sure it will be worth it, that could be why no one else was interested? I have been in this position twice now, huge jump in responsibility with only a small increase in wage - I also increased my hours to try and make it feel worthwhile.

I am currently a year into a promotion and earning 50p an hour more than before - it will go up eventually but NHS increments are slow.
Do you work in a call centre?

Take the promotion and ditch the husband.

You can’t win with fragile male egos like his. What a twat he is.

The fact you enjoy those times with the dcs when you are cooking/doing the school run doesn’t mean your dh shouldn’t step up and do 50% of those things. And if it’s not that, he should be doing the HW, washing clothes etc…

I agree with other posters, he is a twat.
He is resenting you doing well at work. Both because his routine, where he has all the time for himself to do whatever he wants and no responsibility as a father, is disrupted. But also because, despite not working for 8 years, you’re now doing as well as him!

The bottom line is that he doesn’t want the responsibility of being a dad (see the fact he couldn’t be bothered to look after his own dcs for a day because he wants to ‘play’ instead).
He wants you at home doing all of that.
Im not sure he ever wanted you to be working, let alone full time and doing well.
But rather, he used the ‘lazy’ line to push you to take in more and more with the house and dcs whilst leaving him able to do whatever he wants the rest of the time. And you wouldn’t complain. Plus ofc not working means you were dependent on him so less likely to rock the boat.

And you’ve just chattered the whole balance by daring taking up to his word, get a job, loving it AND being good at it!! How dare you!

As fir what you can do just now….
Take the promotion. Please do take it.
If the issue is a meal in the evening, placate him by having some stuff ready in the freezer to put in the microwave, a slow cooker meal, whatever it is that will require little from him.

And see how he reacts and adapt.

But I suspect he won’t accept it. Because him and his wants will come first well before you.

If I got offered a promotion at work which put my salary close to my husbands he’d be celebrating madly for/with me, not grumbling about the hours I’m away. You’ve almost doubled the family income, how can that be bad?

He would be unhappy if you quit your job, stay in your job or take the promotion.

You might as well do what makes you happy and stop looking to him for validation he's not your support network unfortunately

First of all congratulations going back to the workplace he's never easy and it sounds like you've smashed it.

Just bear in mind that double the work for double the pay means you are actually not getting a pay rise so you are just doing more hours and being paid for them?

That said if it makes you happy and it sounds like it does then go for it. He'll have to deal with it he's not your child you do not have to look after him in such a way

It sounds like you've been offered more hours which you clearly want, so gone from part time to fulltime, just make sure before accepting you are getting market rate for your experience, because once employed its hard to get a pay rise.

In regards to your husband. Either way, he should be supporting you more, if he doesn't then if he achieves anything then treat him the same. I think it's an ego thing, which is sad as the money benefits you both.

If you work Sundays, and he does his car Saturdays - when do you go out as a family? Maybe you need to schedule in some date nights.

Also, can i just ask, do you "NEED" or "WANT" the extra money from working? Big difference here. Maybe he sees it as a want but you see it as a need, so aren't aligned?

How old is he OP?

He sounds abusive

This.