Really struggling, do I leave my job?

[ChloeR81]

I’m really struggling with work and can’t decide whether to leave or stick it out.

I’ve been in the role 9 months, quite senior corporate job, lots of pressure and incredibly high workload. The team are nice but the environment, the chaos, the sky high, unrealistic expectations, working all hours make it really unbearable. I’m also aware that at my level it’s my problem to sort all this out but I just don’t know if I can.

I’m a single parent to an 8 and 10 year old and feel like I’m ruining the last few years of having ‘little kids’ by being in this role. My health is starting to suffer, I’ve lost weight and wake up with knots in my stomach, headaches and stress every day (even the weekend). At the weekend the kids said to me ‘we’ve noticed you’re just really sad all the time now mum’ and it broke my heart a bit.

So do I just leave? I have savings to take a few months out to reset and then get something else, possibly a lower level with less stress. Or do I stay and try and find a way through. I’m so scared of letting people down or damaging my career and reputation. I’m also quite a stressy person so may feel stressed in another, lower paid job and regret leaving.

Really don’t know what to do, feel totally lost. Thank you for any thoughts and advice.

Hi OP, my advice would be to leave this one. If your kids are noticing and you're experiencing the physical feelings you are it's just not worth it.
I totally know what you mean about being a stressy person, I am so similar. But I guarantee you if you find a less stressful role you'll probably be a lot happier and feel a lot more on top of it all that you might get a promotion and work your way up in a more relaxed way iyswim?

Could you look for another job and quit once you’ve found one?

Definitely sounds like you need to leave, it’s just a question of when.

I would definitely find another job. Take a step back if you have to. This culture sounds awful.

Op sounds like continuing isn’t going to get any better. The workload won’t reduce and your ability to make a meaningful change won’t improve. If you can afford it, change jobs. I’d wait till I had a new job first, but you know your circumstances better. Nobody loves their job, but it shouldn’t make you ill.

OP my advice would be to leave if you can afford it. I'm in very much the same situation and feel I never see my children.

I've been in this situation before, and kind of found that once I'd given myself "permission" to leave, it kind of took the pressure off a bit and I stopped caring as much.

Can you have a frank and honest conversation with your manager about how your feeling? Doesn't sound like you have much to lose if you're thinking about quitting anyway.

Thank you all, I’ve been going back and forth in my mind for a few weeks so getting a sense check from others is so helpful.

I've been in corporate roles for 20 years so used to the work. I do tend to get stressed, I’m a perfectionist and a people pleaser, but it’s normally in waves in other jobs and manageable, whereas this is constant. I just can’t stay on top of anything. I feel almost embarrassed leaving though, like I couldn’t hack it.

reddam, have you been in roles that exacerbated your stressy tendencies and also found other roles that didn’t do much?

MeandBobby sorry to hear you’re going through similar. Are you also thinking of leaving?

I’m also aware that at my level it’s my problem to sort all this out but I just don’t know if I can.

This pressure is very recognisable to me, but when I step back I can see it’s a great way for chaotic or unsupportive employers to pass the buck. I firmly believe people at all levels are going to be at their best working in a supportive environment with manageable levels of work and decent resources.

Don’t start thinking this is your fault.

Thank you for the replies. I’m Director level so there is a certain expectation of being able to sort things, but it’s honesty so broken and chaotic and the workload is so high I have no space to think it all through. I’ve always been a high performer in previous roles and here I feel like I’m totally failing. I guess it’s recognising when it’s not a good fit and admitting defeat maybe…

On paper it’s a really flexible role (can work from home a few days, no one is looking over my shoulder etc) but in reality I’m permanently in ‘fight or flight mode’ and so swamped with work my head is always somewhere else, so I feel I’m never enjoying my kids anymore

I feel the same way about my current role. I agreed, against my better judgement, to act up to cover my boss’s job and I am hating it. The workload was already bad and it’s now even worse. When you said you’re in constant fight or flight mode OP that’s exactly how I feel - I’m not doing anything particularly well, just fire fighting constantly.

No advice just solidarity.

This stood out for me:

I do tend to get stressed, I’m a perfectionist and a people pleaser,

... which made me wonder, do you find it hard to delegate? If your work load is so great, should you be delegating more of it?

Sorry to hear that SerenaJoy, solidarity.

hmm, I’m good at delegation but there’s definitely an element of low capability in the team making delegation more challenging and they need a lot more input from me on things then is ideal.

Leave the job.

Being happy is the only thing that's important.

Life is short.

Leave! Your health & kids are more important! I’d take a less stressful, lower paid job, but try and find one before I left so savings can be used to top up wages for a while if needs be. It definitely won’t hurt your career. You would just explain on your CV or in the interview that you wanted less responsibility while your kids were young. Then when they are older you can look to move up the ladder again if you wanted.

Please don’t feel embarrassed. I think this is to be admired and respected. I think people will be inspired at how your deciding to put your health & family 1st.

Don't feel bad. Put your family first. You say you have 20 years experience of doing well in an executive role so this is something you have in the bank and can return to later if you want and also you should have no problem in finding another less stressful role. It does sound like you have been carrying your team. I would get out now before you have a breakdown. Sorry to say it but you are, at the end of the day, just another cog in the wheel and you soon will be replaced.

It sounds like you have unreasonable expectations of yourself to the point that it's unhealthy and harming your relationship with your family. Please do not continue to be a martyr to your own soul.

Leave.
No job is worth feeling like this over.
Your health, your children and your mental health are far too precious.

A year ago I was in a very similar situation.

I was struggling to sleep, I gained weight and my health was really suffering. I was working all hours and I was absolutely miserable. My children are a bit younger than yours but I felt the same, that I was ruining these precious years with them.

I considered absolutely every angle including getting a nanny/buying in more help etc and in the end I just decided it wasn’t the lifestyle I wanted and I resigned.

I now work locally, part-time and at a lower level. I thought about this very carefully and I don’t think it would be the right solution for everyone - I think many people I know would find it frustrating to go down the ladder rather than up, and it is weird to look at my boss and think I used to do her job (although in a different organisation/sector).

My closest friends all understand my decision but I think some of my old work colleagues and acquaintances do think I’ve gone slightly mad. We are just so conditioned to always be seeking promotion/career progression.

I’m so much happier though. I would make the same decision a thousand times over.

@starsinthenightskies it’s so good to hear of someone for whom this is working and who don’t regret their decision.

I’m so wary of encouraging people to do this because it’s such a personal decision and obviously it has a financial impact.

But yes, without a doubt it was the right thing for me. I think the key is to shut out all the noise and really try to work on what makes you happy - not what you feel you should be doing with your life, but rather what you want to be doing.

Like the OP I was always an “achiever” and so it felt counterintuitive to take a step back but I knew it would make me happier.

Sounds awful.

any chance of finding another job?

perhaps trying to see it out until 12 months? That would be easier for your CV.

but yes you should leave

I'm in a similar position although my children are older. I'm at senior level in the NHS. Been in this role for 3 years now, in a different trust to where I've been for 20+ years. It's awful. Workload is ridiculous, I've been given loads of staff to line manage and look after a big department. I'm also in an awkward position of having the person who did my job, before me, still there (demanded another role, apparently, after struggling to cope with staff issues) and someone who is young and ambitious (who applied for the job and failed to get it) watching my every move! This person is also, deliberately, handing work back to me saying they don't have time to do it (I'm her line manager) but they did it for the person in the role before me.

I am also a perfectionist and know that there have been lots of things not done by the person I replaced. For example, I do loads of staff appraisals - they did none. I can give a few examples. So, the workload is crazy. I feel I have been stitched up a bit too as the others at my grade have dumped work on me that they used to do.

I have never struggled in previous NHS jobs (same grade) so know it's this place. Awful culture too - toxic. I feel overwhelmed every day. I feel like I'm failing at the role even though it's the sheer amount of work that is causing the issue. My line manager has left (forced out) so I am without support higher up. Anxiety can be really bad and I have been in the verge of walking out a few times. It's also not my profession and this causes issues, at times.

I took ten days off (annual leave) over Christmas and spent most of it feeling anxious. I decided that enough was enough and applied for a post back in my own profession but 100 miles away. I got the job. Luckily, I can work from home 3 days a week. I'm going to stay over one night a week. About to hand my notice in for my current role. Something had to change as I was heading for a breakdown.

No job is worth affecting your health for, nor your family.

I'm also going through similar. Not a single mum but the higher wage earner, been promoted into a role (global director) that I never really had my sights on. I don't have time to think and I'm constantly chasing my tail. Things are starting to move around me that I'm struggling to respond to- I don't want my department to lose significance but I can't help but feel it'll be my fault/ my limitations when/if it happens. Also a perfectionist and people pleaser.

Also thinking about packing it in. Giving myself 6 months to breathe. Taking a less senior role. I've doubled my income since DC7 was born, taken every opportunity, worked my tail off. I'm tired. I don't want my child's childhood to pass me by.