I did something unprofessional in a board meeting

[ditzzy]

I have to be a bit careful not to out myself here - not that I’m an important person! Just that I think some people on here might know me.

I was in board meeting yesterday. I’m the boss but I have to answer to the board for actions, costs, achievements etc.

I’ve been asking permission to take on an extra member of staff for months. The finances are fine for it; I’ve identified the person but the rest of the board don’t think the extra person is needed because I should be able to do the job on my own. Except I can’t because there’s only 24 hours in a day.

I’ve started applying for other jobs that I know will be better for me (better pay, better use of my skills, better hours) but I really don’t want to leave if I can sort this out (which I just need this one person extra to do).

Halfway through the Board meeting yesterday, on Teams, my heart rate shot through the roof and I started shaking from head to foot. I took myself off camera immediately and muted myself. They all looked a bit puzzled but carried on. I then came back on and with a deep breath said “sorry, I can only define that as an outright panic attack, I really can’t carry on with this right now” so we adjourned the meeting.

It sounds like they all spent the rest of the day running around like loons trying to work out what happened. But I’ve been sent home and asked to stay away until Monday (and told to rest).

anyone here have any experience of this sort of complete meltdown? How do I come back from this?

Reporting to a board in a small organisation with few staff is insanely stressful, speaking from experience. You acted absolutely professionally, and I think it's good the board know how challenging the situation is.

I do, though, have some questions about the dynamic between you and the board. I work in the charity sector so the function of your board may be different if not in that sector, but as the person employed to run the company you should be responsible for its operations. It sounds to me like the board are getting involved in operational decisions to a granular degree. Surely a boards role is not operational but oversight based, otherwise what is your responsibility?

If you have evidenced the need and the financial capacity to take on new staff, it is at best bad governance for the board to stand in your way. At worst it is a misunderstanding of their function as this seems to me an operational decision that should sit with the CEO/company director.

You handled things really well.

I am (was?) in quite a senior position and spent a long time telling management that they couldn't keep piling on my workload and continually adding more and more. I have a diagnosed chronic condition and I needed someone else to take on some of my work. They kept making caring noises about staff wellbeing and doing bugger all about my workload until I eventually broke.

I'm currently on long term sick and don't think I can return. Once I actually got signed off sick it was like hitting a brick wall. I think I kept going on adrenaline and now they are making back tracking noises about getting some 'help' for me, but it's too late. I am likely to retire early on ill health grounds.

I am the CEO so yes, I believe the decision to take on the person rests with me, but the board is split on the decision and blocked it by vote (repeatedly) despite my literal cries for help over the past months.

You’re completely right that it’s an absolute abuse of their power on the board; but my only recourse is to resign which would let down the rest of the team.

I’m currently daydreaming that when I touch base with them on Monday they suggest building a whole extra team. Although that means I’m not following the instructions to forget everything work related for a few days…

The support on here makes more difference than I thought it would.

I have had a real struggle in the past in clarifying with the board which things they are due a vote on and which they aren't. I now present all board agenda items as clearly marked 'for discussion' 'for information' or 'for approval'. For approval is only things which constitutionally require their sign off. Otherwise I proceed as planned but take their advice as I wish or don't.

I would recommend a one to one meeting with your chair of the board to get clarity on what the lines of authority are and try to get them onside, saying that if you don't remedy the staffing situation the position will become untenable within a few months if there is no more support. I would try to avoid emotion and make the business case. Try to use examples from comparable organisations. I am sure given the length of fight you describe you've already done all this. But I think one on one is better than one on however many are on your board.

Wishing you all the best and sorry this is happening. It's lonely and invisible because the rest of your staff don't see these fights so can feel like you're getting it from all sides

@Stilts thank you for being here; it sounds like you get it completely. It helps, and helps me to work out how to frame it better to them.

I came on here to say that anyone would have a visceral reaction to this.

The board are not there to make decisions on Human Resources. It’s your job as leader to make those decisions and the board to hold you responsible. A board should not be denying you the ability to run the organization in this way.

I assume this is a charity. Either way you have my sympathy and as you already know, find a new job.

At the organisations I have worked at (admittedly larger) there's documentation that would set out decisions reserved to the board, delegated to the CEO and delegated to others.

If that doesn't exist it's worth a) considering formalising that if you get to a point where you have some headspace and /or b) not moving somewhere else that doesn't have it in the future.

I agree with this post. Your chair should be supporting you to run this organisation and navigate the board. The board is also badly composed if it's evenly split, there should be a chair casting vote to move things forward.
I highly recommend putting a clear intro to papers (for info/approval/discussion etc) for the future and I agree that the board generally is there to guide, advise and provide scrutiny but not to make operational decisions

First, Gp appointment as urgent.
do not work until you’ve had appointment. Self certify

a panic attack at work is saying something is going really wrong. You’re stressed and anxious. You may have underlying medical issues. You need physical check and a discussion about your work environment to understand what adjustments are needed

it is often a real rocket up the **for a business to receive a sick note that the individual is signed off with stressed, possibly work related stress. It is often the catalyst needed for real urgent changes and a rethink of your role and responsibilities…sometimes taking that to a full organisational rethink

you behaved professionally and impeccably. Nothing you did was wrong, but finding yourself opening up somewhat involuntary to a well-being/ health ( we assume right now) issue is difficult, embarrassing and humiliating and that’s what I guess you’re projecting about.

please get professional help.its a warning sign. You MUST step back from your role until you have the cause identified and being treated and in a more mentally resilient place to start to ease back. That could take weeks. Your body is saying stop, even if you’re perfectionists professionalism is saying “ big girl pants on and suck it up”

been there. Did wrong things. Got very ill. Retired! Don’t get yourself into that situation by trying to power through.

Well it’s not like you didn’t warn them..

Just rest, and go back on Monday and be firm you need the help.

We are all human, don’t worry about it

I agree with all of this.

Remember you are the only person who will put yourself first, looking after yourself is your responsibility.

You have all my sympathy. I felt like this a month ago. I couldn't open my laptop I was freaking out so much.
I am much better now and am fully functioning again.
What helped hugely was:
Meditation every day for at least 10 mins
10 days off work
GP appointment where I was prescribed sertraline
Started counselling
Exercise
Not drinking

I'm not totally better but I would say 80%.

Best of luck to you. As someone above said - listen to your body. You will get through this, but you have to take care of yourself.
The board has behaved appallingly.

What are the boards objections: is it costs?

I think instead of keeping asking, understand the objections and dealing with them is the way forward. For example if it’s cost. Then how can the company recoup that? Is it office space? How can that be adjusted?

you need to understand the objections. Listen to them, then talk through the issues in dealing with them.

I came in to post and strongly support what @Stilts said above. I’m a CEO reporting to a board, and have run into the exact same roadblocks. And a very supportive board member (who is separately a CEO elsewhere) had a sidebar conversation with me and also recommended the ‘for information’, for approval’, ‘for decision’ format. The key I think is having a pre-board meeting with the Chair; also equipping board members with very clear pre-read papers; and a recommended course of action that the Chair is briefed on.

I’ve had the same items on recurring agendas that get rolled over due to groupthink or an overload of prudence. It consumes a huge amount of time (for me) to re-draft something that’s approved in principle, and then nitpicked into stasis.

Watching with interest to learn from others on this thread. My brief is to grow an organisation, and because I’m basically doing everything, I’m burning all the jets just to stand still.

This is really interesting; it's so refreshing to speak with other CEOs and hear their experiences; it is pretty isolating a lot of the time and hard to learn and grow when you are doing it alone and the pressure is on. The person who recommended this board method to me was also a CEO.

I wonder OP do you have any other company leaders in your field that you could start a support group with? This was my first leadership role and I started a support group with 3 other women in their first CEO role in my sector. They have been invaluable for stuff like this because, great as the staff team are, they don't have experience of the challenges I'm facing, and often you really need a neutral sounding board. Maybe you could find an org with a similar portfolio to yours but better staffed, befriend their CEO and ask them to share a bit of anonymised data to help build the case to your board. I did that when I wanted to push for pay rises and it worked a treat.

Been there, done that, unfortunately.
Firstly, you need time off to destress and heal, as hard as it is.
Secondly you need to research what the power of the Board is to overrule your CEO responsibility, and if documents dont exist they need to be created. (If they aren't approved you should absolutely leave and not feel you are letting the team down)
In conjunction you need to understand if office politics are at play here, and who to get onside. I agree with pp that it's odd that there isn't a casting vote on the Board. Apologies but ive worked in large businesses so unsure how yours works
im going to go out on a limb here and say if you are asking for a PA when no other director has one (or you need 2 lol) then you need to start socialising more about the business case for an additional person. Play the other Directors (who are voting against you) by saying i cant do x i am doing y, but an addition to the headcount would resolve this. Constantly. Reasonably delay stuff getting done. Say x company (comparable sector / size) has x and you dont.

I have come back from men's politics on board matters, but honestly, your heath is more important. Hth

Thanks for coming back to reply @Stilts YY to finding some peers! Also my first leadership role. I have some peer organisations, in the same sector but not competing, and have done exactly that, reaching out for peer support. Finding ‘siblings’ you can trust and can reciprocate a listening ear and advice is great. I’ve a mid-year strategy session coming up and will be briefing my chair strongly ten days out so she can steer the board. I think sometimes directors can unwittingly stall progress in the belief that caution is safer. I’m not a director; but I’m charged with executing the strategy. But if the budget isn’t released, I can’t! Another aspect is identifying who on the board is a leader and who is a follower. It’s all too easy for one person to say ‘how about CEO crunches the numbers three more ways and we look at this in two months?’ and everyone nods along. I’ve had to push at meetings to get an agreed action, and often I use the ‘sorry, for the purposes of the minutes, can I clarify if the board has agreed xyz?’ if I feel the chair is not pushing for an outcome.

Hi OP, sorry this happened to you.

I am a psychotherapist (specialise in CBT) and I have treated many many people who have had major panic attacks in work meeting. Most with no warning or history of panic necessarily.

It can really leave its mark and set people on a course of feeling anxious about having further panic attacks in other meetings or situations. We can also worry about being judged for panicking.

My thoughts/advice:

• it's great that you acknowledged and labelled this a panic attack to colleagues - lots of people feel such shame and embarrassment about them. Although it can't have been nice, it's good that you just came right out and said it.

• every time your brain tried to tell you, "they think X of you now, what if this/that" - DONT LISTEN. A large park of my work involved a client gathering evidence to dispute the fact that people are judging them. They are NOT. Gathering evidence time and time again shows that 99% of people either don't care or are just a bit concerned if anything.

• I guarantee a few others in that meeting also struggle with anxiety/panic at one time or another.

• it can be tempting now for people who have had a public panic attack to 'monitor' their bodies for signs of anxiety/panic in further meetings. This is really unhelpful and can trigger anxious feelings itself. If you find yourself becoming 'internally focused'(focused on your body/sensations/anxious thoughts) in further meetings, try to distract yourself and focus 'externally' (on the content of the meeting/speaker/making notes etc).

Hopefully some of the above is relevant to you?

Please remember that anxious/panicky feelings are normal. Worrying more will bring these feelings on more.

It's also a sign that work is indeed becoming really stressful. You're right to take action.

What's expected of all of us these days by employers is utterly absurd. It's the worst I've ever known it since joining the workforce in the late 1980s although some are worse than others. No matter how talented, focused, experienced etc you are, you are still only one person with 24 hours a day to spend. It's no wonder so many of us are burning out.

They won't change, I'm afraid. Leopards and spots. They will never employ that second person while you are still there. Look for a less stressful job.

Please listen to what your body is telling you. You have been ultra professional but go sick (self cert for 7 days) then get signed off with work related stress.
I ended up in hospital as I was so stressed- I stopped eating for a couple of weeks as I felt sick all the time- literally nothing and had a fit and ended up in hospital.
I was still drinking tea and water/coke (Cola!) and coffee smoking 40 a day and though I could do with losing the weight!
No salts/minerals/vitamins plays havoc with your body- who knew!
No job is worth it- I had a month off and went back to a much adjusted workload. Shame it had to come to that to make a difference.

Thank you everyone and especially @Stilts and @SleepPrettyDarling . I was hoping for some understanding, but you two have both come in with practical advice on top.

we’re not a charity (actually a small PLC so we have a lot of official procedures on how to work).

The chair does have a casting vote, the board has five on it so the casting vote isn’t needed often. I do have “pre-calls” with the chair (and sometimes the others) prior to board calls.

The chair is causing a lot of the problem at the moment. We had a new non-exec join a couple of years ago who has strong opinions on how to run much bigger companies and the chair has got so caught up in how brilliant she is that he’s forgotten that we’re tiny and don’t have the resources for the swathe of extra meetings and reports they want (want but never read) and they change their minds every five minutes about what they actually want so everything I present is in an incorrect format but when I change it they want it back to how it was done the first time (I’ve tried saying “well this is how I’ve presented it”; I’ve had to take details out because the chair broke confidentiality during a public meeting so I can’t reveal everything they want any more; all sorts of arguments). The chair is so weak he just says that it be easier if I just do what I’m told, and if I disagree with him on anything then they’ll take it to a vote and he will win.

It used to work so well between me and the chair, it’s just suddenly broken down. I guess I’m mourning that broken relationship.

I do talk weekly with another CEO who is more experienced in the same sector (he’s been a life saver to be frank) and have spoken to him nearly every day this week, and there’s one other I speak to (but have to pay for) from time to time. The other CEO has been more like a chairman than my actual chair recently which really winds up my chair.

I think they now understand the depth of the problem anyway.

I had a really good night sleep last night (oddly I never have any problem sleeping but went to bed early and still slept through until dd came in at 6), I’ve stayed mainly off alcohol for months (a couple of glasses of wine at weekends) because I knew I was getting stressed, but definitely need to make more time for outdoor exercise and to spend with my dds.

@ditzzy

Your situation just sounds worse and worse OP. In your shoes I think I'd just leave them all to their dysfunctional operations and look for another suitable job ASAP. Good luck for the future with whatever you do. 🌹

My thoughts are you are the CEO and if you need extra help this should be unequivocal.
On a personal note you are human, you were not unprofessional, you let them know what was happening at a personal level and this is fine.
Your health comes first. Above everything. Get yourself to the doctors. That is your number one priority. Everything else is just stuff.

You say you don't want to leave. Why not??

I just wanted to check back in here.

My best friend (who handled me during my divorce, negotiated with hospitals for me during pregnancies and miscarriages and is generally amazing, but has also been here herself - she started a new “lower pressure” but still very senior job this week after quitting the one that she was signed off sick with stress from) turned up yesterday, had her husband take my partner away for the night so it was just me and her; ordered take away and gave my dds instructions on waking her up instead of me this morning to make me breakfast in bed.

Im not feeling alone any more, and I’m ready to go in tomorrow and make it clear that either I get the extra people immediately on my team or I get signed off sick and/or resign (being signed off sick during notice period).

Why do I want to stay? I’ve built an amazing team, we’re starting to achieve some really great things and actually officially it’s in my power to set up the board to support me properly! I just need to fully exert my authority to line everything up properly. But in the meantime I’m also applying for other roles.