I realised yesterday I should have retired years ago

[AzureBlue99]

I am 58 years old.

I love fashion, taking care of myself, I am engaged with life, I do stuff. I am happy, like a laugh and not a downer. I am not a beige person.

I am not a high flier but I have done okay for myself. However, can't afford to retire - financially woke up too late to realise I should have been building a bigger retirement pot*

I have no issue with getting older. I enjoy the invisibility to men aspect - that brought nothing but hassle. I am long time married, with absolutely no interest in men apart from as colleagues and^ acquaintances.

But, yesterday, in a meeting, I realise that I am now invisible to everyone apart from women my own age. Male colleagues I used to chat to gave no eye contact unless I "forced" them to by addressing them. Their eyes looked straight through me.There has been no angst, it is just I am now older and no longer worth talking to. Younger females are not much better. I speak up in a meeting but sometimes it is like I haven't spoken.^

I am there, but like a chair is there. Somewhat useful when you need a chair, but pushed to the corner most of^ the time. I haven't had a lot of face to face meetings recently, mainly Teams, so the meeting yesterday brought it up in sharp relief. I am no longer relevant (don't even want to be work wise, happy to let others shine) but why am I irrelevant as a person? I came home, felt down about it. Had a good sleep, woke up angry.

Why should getting older mean you no longer merit any interest at all? I know things have changed. I know older people feel marginalised by society in a lot of ways. But I never expected to have my confidence swiped away by something I cannot help, and that happens to us all, ageing.

The title of this thread - I genuinely think I should have retired three years ago. That seems to be the sweet spot before you are disregarded completely and just there rather than being a vital cog in the wheel. I was okay about getting older, and resigned to working for longer than I wanted to, but now it all feels depressing and damaging to my confidence in facing the future.

Thanks for reading. Just wanted to set this down. I went to sleep with it on my mind, and woke up and it was still there.

I am interested in others views on this, can this be rectified. I have read the excellent book called Hags before, is there any other essential reading?
^

*Anyone reading this in their 20s and 30s - if you can in these tough times build up a pension, please prioritise it. Life is for living but it has a habit of moving on fast and before you know it you are seeking 60 in the near distance. And when you get there it is good to have options.

I haven't seen this. I'm in my thirties but women I work with in their late fifties and early sixties are generally popular and get on very well with the younger women. They're at the same position and senior only in experience. I'm in a very female dominated workplace and we have almost no men so can't comment there.

I'm sorry you feel like that op.

One part of your post terrified me though, I'm 36 and can not afford to contribute to a pension, even though I know how important it is

I think your colleagues and workmates are the issue...

Ageism is a bit problem in many workplace so I sympathise.

I am 53 and work in marketing/comms and I do feel like I am the odd one out sometimes.

The good thing is that I don't see work as my number one priority anymore, I don't get involve in office politics and I am no longer interested in pretending I enjoy socialising with colleagues.

For example, I did not go to last week Christmas party. I don't see the point in commuting 2 hours to go to a dinner I would have to pay for as well and spend the evening drinking with people I don't even like...fine if you are 20 years old but I have more important things to do with my free time.

I am a techie (worked with websites for years for example) but there is a subtle prejudice now and then from people who are younger that I am that I might not grasp everything.

I am job hunting because I am done with my current role. I want something fairly senior to reflect my experience and no longer have to do any of the 'grunt work' or be taken for granted.

@Yesididntdothat That is true. I am not a leader, I have done okay for myself but I am not someone's boss. I am a a regular member of the workplace.

@TheYearOfSmallThings I have not stagnated at all. I put myself up for stuff. I go on training courses. I am big into self improvement and I am learning three languages. But I can't self improve the years away.

It isn't about looks, it is just you are inescapably older, and even if you are merrily going along feeling okay about it, society has decided that you are not as relevant as you once were. Your currency has diminished. Yesterday, my work experience, brought it to the fore for me. Ageing but okay about it, but then, wtf is happening here!?!

I don’t think this is universally true, but it does vary by industry and by your role in it.

However, I highly recommend saving for a comfortable retirement and prioritising your health so you can really make the most of it.

Me. I took early retirement at 53. I was managing a highly stressful, fast moving, government funded project and it all got too much and during covid we decided to buy a house in france and move here. I drew down my private pension at 55 [finally got it 9 months later] and we live off income from that, and my OH's pension in a SIPP plus the income from our house which we rented out back in the UK.

The thing is, I wasn't snubbed, it was like I no longer existed. Went into the room feeling perfectly happy and confident, left feeling disregarded and irrelevant. I brought my whole self to work, as they encourage you to do, but my whole self appears to be a phantom that isn't visible anymore.

I don't feel invisible outside of work at all.

@overthinkersanonnymus Sorry I alarmed you. I was in a position to Dave when younger, I frittered instead. Got much better but too late. I realise how much harder it is to save these days.

You say you want to be invisible to men,then complain about being ignored. I was nursing,my contract said 65, retirement age (I was born in 1950) I could have stay on,"temporary workforce", but the last year, I couldn't sleep in the day at all, and was beginning to feel unwell in the night. We had a nurse on our ward of 72. I was never ignored, either on a professional or personal level. Mainly, I was respected, because of my experience at work and life in general. I was due to retire a little earlier, but DH company liquidated on the spot,so I had to carry on.

@AzureBlue99 This is pretty disheartening to read OP - You clearly work with a narrow minded bunch of ungrateful fuckers who need to value your wisdom & experience a bit more!

I work in mental health and can honestly say if you are hardworking, intuitive and fit in our profession, your age is irrelevant. I am lucky because we are a broad group of all nationalities, genders and ages and we all value each other - middle age is respected and some of the best staff are menopausal women - there is a productive relationship between older and younger staff and we also regularly take the piss out of each other - our handyman is 65 and we’ve all agreed he is ‘ready to retire’ and joke with him about it - our Manager and CSM are late 50s and early 60s and extraordinarily hard workers - people tend to wind down in their 60s by going part time - fuck ‘em I say OP, stay strong and keep going …

@Nannyfannybanny I want to be invisible to men sexually, but not as a person. That is a big difference.

To be honest I've had this experience even as a woman in her thirties. I work in a very male dominated industry and there are many, many times where I've felt like I'm invisible, constantly talked over or ignored.

I can recommend a book called "Feminist Fight Club" which has practical advice for how to tackle this. TL;DR - find an ally at work who can help ensure sure you're not always sidelined.

I'm sorry you feel like this. I retired at 58 and it was not my experience at all. I always felt my views, knowledge and insights were valued, whether by colleagues, my managers or clients/external contacts.

I retired because, although I really enjoyed my job, I felt I could no longer cope with the daily commute of at least 3 hours and because I was constantly stressed by having too much work to do.

Had I known that Covid was coming I might have hung on, because it would have been a lot easier to work at home, but that's another story!

my whole self appears to be a phantom that isn't visible anymore.

I just think there is something else going on here

I'm not saying your colleagues aren't arseholes because we've all had the experience of sitting round a table full of idiots talking to each other and not recognising that they should be listening to you.

But one bad meeting shouldn't have the power to make you go from feeling confident to feeling like an invisible ghost, and deciding this is 100% due to your age, and the ONLY solution is that you (and all women) should have retired at 50 because NO woman is valued in the workplace in her 50s, which clearly is not the case.

I recognise what you are saying.

For me the invisibility came from others assuming I would just cope with whatever was thrown at me. I had become part of the furniture. Useful, dependable and just there. I was 55, my salary had stagnated though privately people acknowledged that I was underpaid for the role.

I wasn't considered a flight risk because everybody expects furniture to stay where it is left.

Then one day I happened to see a job advertised which was the same as I already had but they were offering 50% more money plus better pension and bonus. I applied and got it.

There was total shock when I handed in my notice. Nobody expected the furniture to stand up and walk out!

So get looking. There may be something better for you out there.

Im 35 and I’m defo not like this with older people in my workplace.

The insurance guy who just retired was mint. He just knew everything about his area and was so quick to get back to you. It was great and he was dead nice too. Lots of other people like that who are experts and seem to know everything!

Im sorry your colleagues don’t feel the same way- its not like that everywhere!!

This was me until I did actually give up work age 57 a few months ago.

I was treated with much respect and my views valued, I was still pushed for promotion and things I didn't want. From peri menopause onwards I didn't want to be at the front, probably menopause related anxiety and a new lack of confidence in myself, but it wasn't anyone else's fault. Females up to senior management in my old corporate world were very much treated as equals and had a voice.

Are you on a boat or something? I feel sea sick reading that.

This isn't the case in professional services or law. Age tends to accord more respect plus long experience usually leads to gravitas and an answer to everything or something useful to stay.

I do know what you mean in that there are a few older men and women who get marginalised but they would be lower down the ranks and not putting themselves forward. It's ageism but not necessarily sexism. A younger person might still be seen as having potential.

I think working remotely doesn't help. It has weakened everyone's social skills. As a new graduate I remember the social chit chat with people much older than me was something I had to learn. Knowing what to talk about with people your parents age or older is hard in your 20s! I think it is really sad than younger people are not learning this though because I found amazing support and professional friendships with older women especially.

@AzureBlue99

I've only read your posts so unsure if this has been suggested but have you considered taking a second job over one of the weekend days (or a couple of evenings a week if that works better) and put that straight into additional pension savings or an ISA to bolster your pension? Ie: not use that money for day to day living, but your long term financial needs.

Or, if you work part time, can you increase your hours at work and also increase your own occupational pension contributions as high as your income permits? 🌹

@Luckygreenduck I don't agree. I'm pretty sure I would not have got my new job if it had been an 'in person' interview. In the cold light of day I am late middle-aged, short, fat and plain. In a Teams interview with careful lighting those things were much less important.

In my new company I'm a novelty. It's a tech company so most employees tend to be young and have gained most of their experience in similar tech companies. I have come in from what a former colleague elegantly described as hairy-arsed industry. Nothing shocks me, nothing offends me.

@Sunflower8848 Know what you mean. Have zero idea what happened.using the app, normally do not have an issue.

@Newestname002 A second job? I do not want to work longer hours than I am now.

No ! Most staff now will retire at state retirement age , some legacy 55 retirees with 35 years service but very few left

@AlisonDonut

Were you paid between £35k to £50k per year in this stressful job?