Line managing a very patronising but capable person

[JeeezeLouise]

I am so tired of it. It's making me want to leave my job.

This person is bright. They are also extremely opinionated, critical of everyone and everything, impatient, like a dog with a bone about most things.

I try to be as supportive, responsive, accommodating, positive as possible and praise all their good work.

But I'm constantly feeling like my efforts are just thrown back at me.

I'm senior in age, role and experience to this person.
I am all for people being ambitious, but not at the expense of exhausting everyone else in the team around them.

I just need a rant I guess. If anyone has been in a similar position was a line manager, any tips as to how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.

Can you give some examples and also tell us what your response has been?

I shut down anything unprofessional or gossipy, rinse and repeat, and if the person doesn't get the message tell them pointedly not to do it. You probably need to be more direct and emphasise everyone is different and the need to work together. Some things are irritations but not important in the scheme of things.

Are their criticisms about other people's work and the organisation founded in actual problems or are they nitpicking/ not able to see beyond the one way they would do things?

You need to tell them that they may be right, but their presentation style needs work. Give specific examples.

Ahaha we had a junior like this

Someone had a chat with him about being a little more humble and recognising that whilst he is bright and capable, other people are too, and have experience he doesn’t have. By all means he should share his ideas, but maybe present them as “just a thought” rather than “you should…” or “why haven’t you…” so as not to get people’s backs up.

He is now very senior… in a pushy American company where I suspect his approach goes down better!

Nitpicking. In the extreme.
I always discuss and explore their ideas with them. They just seem to think they know better than everyone else, how their jobs should be done and how everything could be better.
It's not like anyone is asking them a lot of the time.

It's not always wrong & I'll take good ideas forward. It's just the constant trying to impose their thinking on everyone. It's exhausting.

Sounds similar. We are charity sector. So it's not appropriate always.

Tell them! Just say - Ease back on the constant criticism of everyone and everything. It's tiring and unwarranted. I value your opinion - you have good ideas but you undermine them and dilute them with your constant criticisms. Save your unsolicited opinions for the rare occasions when they will benefit all concerned. You can learn as much from a bit of humility as fierce 24/7 critical commentary.

Where are they doing this?

If it's in one-to-one's, just shut it down - have a clear agenda, only discuss the items, and focus on outputs - so reduce any opportunities for discussion.

If it's in team meetings, bring it back to the matter in hand, and have a phrase to use, like, 'that's not relevant to this meeting' and move on.

You are her manager & giving it unneeded oxygen.

Additionally, I'd quite clearly let her know when certain comments or approaches weren't appropriate.

That sounds like what I want to say but it's very aggressive. I wonder if there's a kinder way to say it?

0h God are you my boss? Probably not as I'm quite old and my boss is younger than me.

But just for perspective...I've just started somewhere and I DO offer what I think are helpful suggestions, but I say I am learning and make it clear I don't know enough, run things past the more experienced team members, try to be helpful, make tea etc.

Today I arrived and I wasn't sitting near my team anymore, and I'm beginning to feel my wings are being clipped.
I'd hate to think I'd come accross as arrogant and pushy!

Ha! I don't think I'm your boss @Allwelcone

I've worked in our sector for over 2 decades. This person has done a couple of roles in other organisations before coming to us and they seem to think they know best about everything.

It's not that I don't listen to their ideas. I'm honestly very open to trying new things and don't think I have all the answers.

It's just they seem to want to change everything and are critical of everything. I think they feel they should have my job. But they'd drive everyone nuts!

Confidence is great. But overconfidence coupled with constant criticism just comes across as completely arrogant.

Other people are starting to politely comment. It's just hard trying to find a way to discuss this constructively with them. I don't want to dampen their enthusiasm.

Its just their personality. It's accompanied by a very ambitious hard working ethic. So it's a bit more complicated than just "shutting them down"

Do you think something like asking them to do a self assessment and development plan? His type love to write about who great thry think they are!

3 sections.

1 - Technical skills, the stuff he is good at and you can praise him on (list the headings)

2 - Soft Skills, the stuff he needs to work on and you can use for further discussion (list the headings - communication, team work, internal network, reputation etc)

3 - The development opportunities he wants

Wrap it up by saying you improve items on list 2 and you get opportunities on list 3. Maybe not the bluntly but in a professional manner.

If it fails, manage him out the door.

You need to be showing them just what an impact their constant criticism is having! Maybe point out why people would not like this level of criticism and show them how they can be more helpful by directing their comments to where they are actually necessary?

They're having a massive effect on you: don't hold back from telling them how they are affecting you!

I'd tell that while you are open to new ideas and process change you'd like them to spend more time understanding why things are done in a certain way and then with full understanding suggest improvements. And do tell them what they are saying negatively about a process can come across as a direct insult, as the person they are talking to may be the one that implemented that process that they are saying is rubbish. Be more aware of the way you present your suggestions. Make them constructive rather than critical.

@JeeezeLouise

Have you reflected and engaged any active listening to really understand why they are behaving this way? Are they finding fault with your management of the team and leadership style but saying it in a way so they are focussing on what could improve?

If there are elements of improvement and valid points being made then I can understand how the person might be feeling but that is not to say that you are off the hook.

Team members like fairness and good leadership and it is the responsibility of the head of the team to provide that. I dont think leadership is always about being kind when the morale of the team is at risk and having recently worked with a picky ungrateful unforgiving peer they can definitely split the team and make work unpleasant.

I would say ask the difficult questions e.g.
‘Lisa you seem very critical of ways of working; as your manager what are you expecting from me?’ See what they say and if any merit let them pilot or test their ideas
or
’Lisa your behaviour is starting to impact the wider team. It might be useful for us to revisit the expectations of your role so there is clarity around your autonomy and responsibility; you seem to be working outside of these and there is no need for you to be doing so’ here you are giving them specific guidance on their remit.

They might want your job and they might be able to do it better but it is you in the position of management and leadership - take the feedback, reflect, have the challenging conversation, once you have reflected, and see what happens then I would say!

Also, if brave enough you could say they do not seem happy - provide examples of their criticisms and ask them if this is the role for them as it probably lends itself to the opposite behaviours of what they display.

Good luck 🍀

I would frame it in a more positive way: ‘Alex we value your contributions and you clearly have useful ideas and suggestions. It would be really helpful if you could frame your views in a constructive and positive way so instead of x is rubbish I would really welcome have you considered doing that thing this way as I found it to be really successful in other places I’ve worked. I could draft out a template if that would be welcome?’

So it's a bit more complicated than just "shutting them down"

It's really not. I've managed teams a long time & individuals like this.

You acknowledge the validity of their comments, and in the correct place and at the correct time.

When it's deviating from the purpose of the meeting, or their role, you firmly & politely make it clear it's not appropriate and move the meeting on.

If they are doing it more generally, like with colleagues, in the open office etc, you wait for feedback from their colleagues & then deal with it.

You're being too passive - and too accepting of this behaviour and it's unfair to others (assuming you've other direct reports).

Don't do this!

It's really patronising to suggest someone uses a template to aid their comments or input.

It's also not OP's job.

In terms of the feedback, it's way too vague. It also personalises it. You need to focus on the purpose of meetings, tasks and so on, and why her comments or suggestions don't fit that brief.

I don’t think you need to shut the person down, but you could tell them directly that a constant stream of input on other people’s roles and processes isn’t conducive to good team work. You could ask them to make a note of their ideas and periodically review them together.

@EarringsandLipstick just to be clear the template was meant as an eg so a concrete thing the person could do to take an action forward on something they were complaining about - it was a generic example not meant to be in respect of the feedback itself. Apols for not being clear. I have found that being very specific but framing feedback as something we would like to see rather than the negative or perceived criticism re what someone is doing yields better results.

I was responding to the suggestion that the individual is often complaining. Essentially I’m saying ‘so how would you like things to be done if you don’t like it like this?’ Solutions not problems is the way forwards. I have found it shuts down some of the most annoying complainers but in a way they can’t easily complain about.

It's not shutting the person down. It's shutting down the commentary that is misplaced in that meeting. It's perfectly appropriate & makes it clear what's acceptable practice.

Ah that makes more sense!

so how would you like things to be done if you don’t like it like this?’

This can be tricky. It sounds like OP's colleague would love this - that's what she's all about!
In reality, we can't change everything just because an individual has a good idea.

The way to address it is make high-level decisions, and give them the chance to work out how to deliver it. That way OP
has managerial control but the colleague has autonomy to an extent.