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Original poster

Is it possible to have it all?

70 replies

Justthelifeofamum · 04/10/2023 20:40

Hi all,

I’m a mum to a 3 year old and 8 month old…the dreaded return to work is looming.

To say I had a bad time returning from my previous maternity leave is an understatement. It was a sh*t show. I was trying to get a promotion so refused to work part time but instead condensed my hours to have a day off with my DC.

It was unworkable, I completely burnt out which honestly led to the decision to get pregnant again.

Now I feel like I have to make a decision to either take a significant step back in my career or barely see the kids mid week.

In my industry going part time holds a significant stigma, it’ll set my career back about 5 years, the pay cut is significant and I doubt I’ll get any promotions whilst part time. It’s a very male dominated sector.

Has anyone found anyway to balance both progressing a career and actually seeing your kids mid week without completely losing their mind?

TIA x

OP posts:
autiebooklover · 04/10/2023 22:26

Not me. I had a breakdown that led to me being a sahm for 2 years. On the plus side I now have a job I love. (Part time) but no career.

The only people I know who make it work have iron clad child care. A cleaner and a gardener. Lots of family who support on top of child care. And they don't see much of their kids. But they have good holidays.

purpledagger · 04/10/2023 22:31

could you WFH one day a week? you'll save on commuting time, it's less tiring and you could chuck on a wash/ do house stuff during your break, so you have more time at the weekends.

another option could be to get your OH to work part time or WFH. my OH worked part time and whilst it killed me that i couldn't be with them more - at least he was!

i've always worked full time, commuting to Central London and it meant i barely saw my children during the week. i found that my children needed me more once they started school - they wanted me to pick them up from school one day a week, do after school activities, attend their assemblies, help with school trips and fayres etc. as i kept my career going when they were younger, i has more flexibility when they got older, as i didn't need to be in the office all the time.

Conniethecatapillar · 04/10/2023 22:39

In short no. I've managed to keep some semblance of a career and have chosen not to put my ambitions above my children. It helps that I've not had much chance of promotion anyway haha. I don't think I'll ever regret putting them first but I understand everyone is different and I think if I had the chance to earn millions I might feel differently about it all!

Hedonism · 04/10/2023 22:46

No. Pick one. Kids or career.

Tarantella6 · 04/10/2023 22:51

Does it matter if you press pause on your career for a few years? Go PT, sure people will be promoted round you, but then pick up the pace again in 5 years?

I'm not expecting to retire until I'm 70, I figured I had time to spend a few years dialling it in while the kids were small.

Spudlover · 04/10/2023 22:55

I actually think you can to a degree, but there will be compromises and for a few years you will be run ragged and probably feel like you’re doing everything badly.

I went back full time after DC1, 4 days a week (but full time hours) after DC2.

There were many years of trying to juggle school appointments, after school and holiday clubs etc but then life became relatively easy when they went to secondary.

I am now in a director level job with a good salary but have a decent work life balance. It can work out, it’s just tough for a few years.

Moveoverdarlin · 04/10/2023 22:58

Nope, I know which I would choosing and it wouldn’t be the male dominated career where there is a stigma to working part-time.

VivienneViennetta · 04/10/2023 23:00

Do you have a partner? Having it all is not the same as doing it all. Your partner needs to step up and do half, of EVERYTHING; mental load, sorting birthday presents, washing up, dealing with the school, making breakfast, sorting the kids’ clothes when they go up a size, taking the bins out, making sure you’ve got bread and milk, reading with the children, being on the PTA…

Don'tcallthepolice · 04/10/2023 23:04

Some of these posts assume kids need you most when they are small. In my experience preteens and teenagers need the emotional support of a parent just as much. This is a challenge for parents assuming it's just a few years of dropping out of a career.

onestepfromgrace · 04/10/2023 23:05

Nope it’s a myth women you can have it all often translates to women you will end up doing it all We often read on here that nothing changes for many men when children come along.

However your partner should be sharing it all, does he?

onestepfromgrace · 04/10/2023 23:06

Oh crossed posts with @VivienneViennetta

justwantobeamum · 04/10/2023 23:08

On your death bed will you think “I wish I worked more” or “I wish I saw my kids more” that’s it. That’s all there is to it.

yellowclover · 04/10/2023 23:08

No , you can't have it all.
You can have a combination of it all, and prioritise what you want to

Pinkypurpleflowers · 04/10/2023 23:08

Do you have a long commute? When you say part time, how part time are you meaning? Would 4 days a week really be career suicide?

Pinkypurpleflowers · 04/10/2023 23:10

justwantobeamum · 04/10/2023 23:08

On your death bed will you think “I wish I worked more” or “I wish I saw my kids more” that’s it. That’s all there is to it.

It's not always that simple though. I'd love to work less and see my child more. But I also enjoy being able to pay my mortgage.

arcadiamadia · 04/10/2023 23:12

I have it all I think. But only one DC. I am senior exec in a global company but only 4 days a week and I do two school pick ups a week. Share the load with DH, have active and involved grandparents.

Constantly worry about getting canned at work and having to find a new job, less amenable to work life balance.

But for now - I have it all. Don't know if I would feel that way with 2 or more DC.

CyberCritical · 04/10/2023 23:12

Yes, but I only have 1 DC.

I went back to work when DD was 9 months old, nursery was definitely easier than primary school because there were no long holidays and the hours fit better.

I've had several promotions and quadrupled my salary over the last 8 years and DD is now 9yo and a happy, well adjusted kid.

I WFH which helps a lot, DH is fully committed and shares everything 50:50 so it's not all on me. We don't have family or childcare, never have. MIL is our only close relative and she still works FT so while she will have DD infrequently she's not available for regular childcare so we don't go out much just us. We tend to arrange the occasional day off together and have a day date every now and again.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/10/2023 23:16

I feel like I have it all. I work FT in a male dominated industry so going part time wasn't an option but giving up the career I've worked incredibly hard for also wasn't an option.

I'm able to WFH the majority of the time which helps, nursery is within walking distance which also helps but the most important thing is that I have a DH who also does his fair share so I'm not also doing everything.

I feel like I still get quality time with DC during the week and it is about quality over quantity.

Torganer · 04/10/2023 23:17

Yep, but depends on what you think having it all means. I think I have it all, but others would think differently. My husband and I have well paid jobs we both enjoy. We both work equal hours, earn around the same money, share all household tasks and childcare. We love our family, have little stress, really enjoy spending time together and have space for each of us to do things separately. I honestly love what we have created and feel happy pretty much every day!

Torganer · 04/10/2023 23:18

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/10/2023 23:16

I feel like I have it all. I work FT in a male dominated industry so going part time wasn't an option but giving up the career I've worked incredibly hard for also wasn't an option.

I'm able to WFH the majority of the time which helps, nursery is within walking distance which also helps but the most important thing is that I have a DH who also does his fair share so I'm not also doing everything.

I feel like I still get quality time with DC during the week and it is about quality over quantity.

Omg, I think we have same lives, I could have written this word for word!! 👋

Mother87 · 04/10/2023 23:19

Sorry - nope, not me. Was utterly disastrous. Overworked/stressed - neither a good mother or employee

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/10/2023 23:25

Torganer · 04/10/2023 23:18

Omg, I think we have same lives, I could have written this word for word!! 👋

Show quote history

I could've written yours too except I earn slightly more than my DH. 😂

adhdneedsajob · 04/10/2023 23:28

No. You can't have it all.

adhdneedsajob · 04/10/2023 23:30

I am on the app so I have to paste text rather than attach the picture for this meme I saw this on twitter and I am
Really feeling it today::

Who says women can't have it all? I have depression, anxiety, mom guilt, an extra
15 Ibs, debt, angst, terrible taste, and a soul-crushing busy schedule! You can definitely do it too

TrailingLoellia · 04/10/2023 23:35

Why would anyone want it all? It’s a ridiculous idea imho. You have only so many hours in a day and you have to work to pay bills while also being around for your DC. You & your partner juggle it as best you can for your family. It’s easier if you are not a single parent, so reflect on that privilege of being in a team.